Dippy and I are back to make our football picks for the whole weekend. Dippy has to work tomorrow at a kid's birthday party somewhere near Hampton's skid row district. I am spending the weekend hiding from my wife. We decided that we were going to do both Saturday and Sunday on the same post this time. So here goes.
Auburn (-10) at Mississippi State
Fox: I heard today that there was a gas panic and people are running around all over the place trying to gas before we all run out and turn the planet into "Planet of the Apes" or something. I thought nothing of it and realized as I was driving by the gas station by my house that gas had gone up 33 cents in the last eight hours. All because somebody was stupid enough to allow a hurricane to be named after Ike Turner who is now dead and coming back to fuck us all up.
Dippy: Are you going to pick this game?
Fox: I don't even know why I chose this game at all. I don't know anything about either team except that Auburn is always better than people think and Mississippi State is in the second tier of the SEC. I am taking Auburn because they are Auburn and MSU is really MSU.
Dippy: Auburn is over rated this year. Trust me they are. MSU is slowly becoming a solid team. Not quite good enough to knock off Tennessee or anything, but they are better than people think. Really. I think Auburn will win, but MSU will keep it close at home. Take MSU.
Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech (-6.5)
Fox: Some of my friends who are VT graduates are headed to this game in Blacksburg, Virginia. I am hoping that Virginia Tech is not as bad as they looked against ECU. Their starting quarterback in the ECU game has got feet like Peyton Manning. They un-redshirted their more mobile quarterback. I am not a VT fan by any stretch, but if you are going to go to a game you hope your team wins. However, the Hokies are not on the same level this year than in past years. This is going to be a down year overall for them as they take the chance to reload. The spread is too high so I am taking Georgia Tech.
Dippy: You have this all backwards. Just like your priorities. You must be stoned or something. It's Georgia Tech that is not very good. They are below dog biscuits. They will be punished for being stupid enough to travel from Atlanta to Virginia. Take Virginia Tech big time in this one. By the way, Fox, have you seen that new vampire TV show on HBO, "True Blood"?
Fox: Am I the only person in the US that thinks that TV shows about vampires walking amongst us is utterly stupid and anyone who watches this stuff has mashed potatoes for brains? No, I have not watched that show and I hope that I never will. I did notice that the blond chick has a huge gap in her teeth which puts her in the gap teeth hall of fame with Strahan and Letterman.
Dippy: Ehhh....
Fox: Stop it. I knew it would take too long to start that mess up again. I am not getting you a towel. Last time I did that I had to throw away my favorite t-shirt because it had your blood all over it. I got drunk just on being exposed to your blood alone.
Virginia at UConn (-10.5)
Fox: It is hard to imagine that UVA could play any worse than they did against USC. Even Richmond gave them trouble in Charlottesville. UConn is developing a strong football program. They are not there yet but they will be something to reckon with. UVA barely beat them the last time these two matched up. UVA is in full blown rebuilding mode and their head coach can not complete a sentence. Take UConn.
Dippy: You know. I hate both these schools. I hate UConn because of Coach Calhoun and Coach Gino. I know they are basketball coached, but the the basketball program is the program at UConn, not football. Both coaches are pompous ego-maniacal blow hards. They have offices right next to each and even they can stand the other to the point that they do not even talk to each other. I am sure that Coach Gino has sexually harassed someone on his team. I am sure of it. He's the biggest asshole in college sports. And that is saying something in a world where you have Saban, Spurrier, Bowden (all of them), Holtz, Knight, Vitale, Coach K, and anyone with the last name Williams.
Fox: Your pick?
Dippy: Shut up, Fox. You're just like Gino. You sexually harass everyone. I see what you do. I see how you operate. You are sick. You are like Christian Bale in American Psycho. Anyways, I am taking UVA just to spite you and every other dope that has anything to do with UConn. Just saying UConn is just right. It means "you" are "conned." Isn't the football coach of Kansas the fatest football coach ever?
Fox: He's close to that guy who coaches Maryland.
Ohio State at USC (-11)
Dippy: Speaking of USC and asshole coaches. We have Pete Carroll who is a smug looking worm of a man.
Fox: What did he ever do to you?
Dippy: No, it's not a matter f what he did to me. It is what he did to everyone. Carroll is a hamster. Just look at him. He is a loan shark dressed up as a football coach. He's also a bad coach. He is so over-rated as a coach. How is it that USC kills out of conference opponents during the regular season and then blows it against Stanford when favored by 200 points? How does that work? It's coaching. USC is a pro team. They are like the Colts. Big games they shouldn't lose. They lose. They lose games when favored by a million. It is all because Coach Carroll runs his team like the Cowboys in the 1990s. The only team that blows big games worse, but against non-conference opponents is Ohio State. Their depth was the only thing standing between them and a major upset last week. Wells is not going to be in the game so USC should run them over.
Fox: Why is this game named "Collision at the Coliseum?" It should not even have a name. This game does not deserve to have a name. Is this game so uninteresting that they had to give it some stupid name to make more important than it really is. Should it not just stand on it's own. USC is #1 (over-rated). Ohio State is #5 (over-rated). That should be it. USC will win big anyways. Name or no name.
Georgia (-7) at South Carolina
Fox: I am so nervous about this game. Last year in Georgia's first SEC game, at home, they lost 16-12 to an unranked South Carolina team. I am hoping that they will remember that it was this game that kept them from being considered for the BCS Championship game. This time South Carolina is ranked, which means nothing, and they are playing in Columbia. This game is tougher than it looks. Last week, I made a slip by saying that last week they were preparing last week to go to Arizona State and inadvertently skipping that there was a game in between. Hopefully, the bad karma will not get me this time. I am not worried about the offense in this game, but I am worried about the defense. They have given up too many points from teams that should not be able to score against them. They have given up too many yards and bent too much. Now they get South Carolina who always find a way to play tough against a supposedly superior team. I think that despite this Richt will get the best out of his players and win by at least ten. Take Georgia.
Dippy: I am watching Anderson Cooper live from Texas awaiting Ike Turner to slam into Houston. I don't know what to make of Anderson Cooper except that I think he plays with toy soldiers and small rodents in the bath tub listening to old Fleetwood Mac records. I don't know. I am hoping that Hurricane Ike Turner does not end up doing coke off a kitchen table and get really crazy slamming into Galveston.
Fox: You should know about small rodents and Fleetwood Mac records. You have done more coke than both Stevie Nicks and Tyler combined.
Dippy: I have a razor and I know how to use it.
Fox: Ooooooo...I am scared.
Dippy: (Swinging razor) Eh...I'll cut you. I'll cut you like your first wife at your divorce hearing.
Fox: Stop.
Dippy: Anyways. Georgia is incredibly under-rated. Mark Richt is under-rated. Moreno will get hurt like Tom Brady. Take the Cock. I mean. Cocks.
New Orleans (-1) at Washington
Dippy: The Redskins have taken on more guys than Sarah Palin and Jessica Simpson combined. They are simply awful. They can't stop anyone and they definitely can't score...just like Matt Leinart with girls his own age. So the Redskins are going to get smashed by a resurgent Saints team. You can't put lipstick on one of those guys in the stands in DC dressed as a hog and hope that it's going to work out any better. Jason Campbell will end up like Vince Young after this game. Take the Saints.
Fox: I have to agree. I was so disappointed in the Redskins against New York. They could not even run the ball with two good running backs. One of their best O-line guys was standing on the bench pacing like Ike Turner during a coke binge...or Jessica Simpson on a binge of Cheetos and Mountain Dew. The Saints actually should have done better against Tampa. Tampa is not that good. Either way, take the Saints.
New England at NY Jets (-1)
Dippy: So is there a moratorium on jumping on Brady now that he has two torn ligaments?
Fox: It depends. He has to lie low for the next year. No over the top story lines. He has to stay out of the media spotlight. I don't want him to be on any magazine covers. No stories about him getting comfort sex. No stories about him on crutches on the sidelines distraught that he can't play. Nothing. He has to stay down. If he does, I'll leave him alone. If not, then I am going after him. Like a spider to a cat. Like a cat to a milk dud.
Dippy: Have you decided who your target will be now?
Fox: After much discussion, I am going with Tony Romo, the Cowboys, and Matt Leinart. You'll see why this season. My pick in this game is actually the Patriots. The Evil Empire always finds a way to win. They will pull it together to beat the over-rated Jets. The Patriots will do anything to make sure they win. They'll hold Brett's wife for ransom if they have to. The Jets are the bitter enemy now of Darth Hoodie. Darth Hoodie will do everything to destroy New York. It does not matter whether or not he has the Random Impregnator playing under the center or not. The Patriots will win.
Dippy: Your hero, Bill Simmons, has been moaning in two columns how the Patriots season is over and that karma is getting it's revenge on the Patriots killing everyone repeatedly last year by running up the score late in the fourth quarter and then blaming the victim...just like Tony Romo. In this case, Brett Favre will prove to the world why the Packers did not want him anymore by throwing up lobs that end up being picked off instead of falling into the receivers hands like last week. He'll sling balls straight into blue and white shirts like he did in his last throw to the Giants. The Patriots will win because the Jets will give it to them to win.
Green Bay (-3) at Detroit
Dippy: How does Millen still have a job in Detroit?
Fox: Because nobody is left in Detroit to notice how bad he is. The Lions organization and the Ford Motor Company are on the same level of slime and ineptness. It is so sad that a once proud franchise that is so incredibly bad now. The Raiders are like this now. The 49ers as well. All proud franchises who are being run into the ground, burned into ash and then thrown into the river being polluted by one of McCain's oil companies that he does not remember he owns. Take the Packers.
Dippy: I am also taking the Packers mainly because I like Aaron Rodgers. I hope that he does well under the enormous pressure that he is under. He did fairly well at home against the Vikings. He should feel a little more relaxed in a visitor stadium. I wonder how he feels when he still sees fans in Favre gear in the stands?
Philadelphia at Dallas (-7)
Fox: A friend of mine said that the Cowboys now are like the Raiders of the 70s where they take on any malcontent that becomes available. They have a guy who makes it rain and shoots up people, a guy that runs guns, a wide receiver that called out his quarterbacks sexual orientation, and a quarterback who instead of preparing for the most important game in his life was in Mexico with his anexoric girl-friend with an insane father who made her that messed up in the first place. My issue with Romo is that I question his dedication. I question his competitiveness. Does he really want to make the sacrifices necessary to win the Super Bowl. I have to say this about Brady. Brady is a competitor. He does what it takes to win. Same with Payton Manning at this point in his career. Romo acts like a fourteen year old kid with good dimples and a mole that keeps wanting to talk to us (thanks, K47, I hope you write an entry soon). Same with Matt Leinart. He does not have the heart to do what he needs to do to take things to the next level. He is drunk on the field and gets caught in a hot tub with fourteen year old girls sucking on his beer bong. What a leader!! I think in this game that the Eagles are under-rated and the Cowboys on the verge of imploding if things start going the wrong way. I am actually taking the Eagles.
Dippy: There is a reason that you went 3-6-1 in your picks last week and I went 5-4-1. It's because you are an idiot. You are on the same cognitive level as Matt Leinart. The Cowboys are a very very good team and it's the Eagles who are on the verge of imploding. The Cowboys should roll by two touchdowns.
Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-9)
Fox: I am tempted to take the Falcons in this game because the line is too high. I am never convinced that Tampa is that good and the Falcons have a new attitude. However, I am taking Tampa. They are playing at home where it will be 400 degrees. They have better consistent play. The Falcons defense is not good against the pass and the Bucs will exploit them even with a low level quarterback. The Bucs defense is ten times better than Detroit. Matt Ryan will have to try to win the game and he can't do it right now. I am taking Tampa.
Dippy: It's your team and you don't believe in them. You are pathetic. The Falcons are for real, man. They are better than anyone thinks. They have attitude and even if they lose they will make Tampa work for it. So take Atlanta.
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