Please can MLB become like European football so we can relegate Washington, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and maybe Baltimore and San Diego? No one cares about them!

Twitter suspension Day 21: I am seriously thinking about starting a campaign to become head coach of the Oakland Raiders. I can beat up on my assistants too!

I want to point out one reason why medical costs are so high that no one is talking about: tort law causing MDs to spend six figures on malpractice insurance.

Twitter suspension Day 21: I am enjoying all this free time on my hands. Now I can make regular checks of the air quality in Los Angeles. Smoke = summer fun.

Another summer and another summer wild fire in So Cal. The irony of this is that this time the wildfire is threatening the TV towers of all the LA stations.

El Gordo is doing absolutely great in the first inning for the Nationals. Where was this guy hiding when the Nats were winning. They could have really used him.

Twitter suspension Day 20: This Twitter suspension has gotten so bad that I am strongly thinking of calling a slimey personal injury attorney to take my case.

You have to love British soccer. Saw Tottenham get game winning goal in 95th minute (game was to end on 94th) and Manchedter United winning on an own goal.

Twitter suspension Day 19: Who gets blown out in an exhibition game? Only the Raiders can figure out a way to get destroyed in a pre season game 45-7. Awesome

Twitter suspension Day 19: I feel like I am naked and in the hole from that HBO show "Oz." I am coming to the conclusion that I'm never getting out of this.

Twitter suspension Day 15: Did I mention that the German soccer match is on-line and it's in Spanish? I wonder if I can bet on this game. I have Hamburger SV!

Twitter suspension Day 15: Can anyone explain why I am watching a re-play of a German Bundesliga soccer match at this hour? I've probably sunk to a new low.

Twitter suspension Day 14: I need to remind everyone that, regardless of what the Dos Equis Guy says, I am the most interesting man in the world. So there!

The Ravens back up Troy Smith is in the pre season game against the Jets and he looks awesome throwing the ball to the wrong team. Didn't he win the Heisman?

Listened to a local DC sports radio where people argued over who should be the Redskins 3rd quarterback. Seriously, you all need to argue who should be the 1st.

Ah, nothing like coming home after a terrible work Monday, turn on the TV and see the Nationals being prison sexed by the Brewers. All is normal there at least.

Actually it really is bad when you look at your most recent update and realize that your command of the English language is on par with your average NBA player.

You know things are bad when you are interesting in reading a blog article about how John Parker Wilson should be the Falcons third string quarterback.

Twitter suspension Day 13: When will this travesty stop? I'm watching crazy TV shows, mumbling about blue birds, snorting tic tacs, and worshiping Marlon Brando

I must be missing something but I do not see how, with their lackluster defense and killer schedule, the Atlanta Falcons will be able to do any better than 8-8.

Twitter suspension Day 12: I am watching the DC United-LA Major League Soccer game thinking that it is as sexually stimulating as watching 70's German porn.

Twitter suspension Day 12: They have tortured me to the point that now I think that 2 + 2 = 5 and Major League Soccer is entertaining. Cubans have more rights!

Twitter suspension Day 12: I am going to call Amnesty International as this suspension is based on politics. They're trying to shut down us dissidents! Help!

Twitter suspension Day 12: Thinking of starting a reality TV show showing the effects of this suspension on my psyche. I now want to eat Taco Bell everyday.

Twitter suspension Day 11: My situation is so hopeless that not even Vick's image consultants can help me get reinstated to Twitter. I have Plaxico's lawyers.

Twitter suspension Day 11: My reinstatement back to Twitter is still being processed. I have played both the race card and the deranged psycho lunatic card.

In response to message from Dippy the Pirate Bear: No, I have not ingested four boxes of hallucingenic orange tic tacs. I have ingested seven in three hours.

Twitter suspension day 9: Continue to feel persecuted by the evil blue bird on the Twitter website. It has to be a spawn of Satan and it taunts me now endlessly

Twitter suspension Day 9: I have applied for reinstatement. It is "being processed." What does that mean? Is it a cow being "processed" into SPAM or cat food?

I was planning to knock off a few 7-11s in order to support my HGH "supplement" and orange tic tac addiction, then I heard that Favre was coming back.

In looking at my Facebook photo it is obvious that I have been downing tons of Vicodin over the last ten years and now I can't pee and I'm constipated. Yay!

Is it me or is this Brett Favre thing getting totally out of control? Camera and helicopters et al. Are we going to get an update on when he takes a dump?

Robert Novak has died and Brett Favre has pulled another "favring" by unretiring again. This is way too much excitement for one day. I need to just go home now.

Can someone tell me how the Raiders 20-60 record in the last five years relates to their "Commitment to Excellence"? Is their Crypt Keeper owner dead yet?

Another reason to love the greatness that is the Oakland Raiders organization: The players don't fight each other at camp, the coaches do. This is classic.

I have applied for my reinstatement to Twitter. They said it was "resolved" but my account is still suspended. Vick had an easier time getting back to the NFL.

The quarterback for Montreal could start for all but the following NFL teams today: Patriots, Colts, Chargers, Saints, Steelers, and Giants. Trust me on this.

I would think that Montreal is the most hated team in the CFL since their province has wanted to split with Canada for years. It would be the same for Dallas.

Great thing about the CFL: The fact that there are only three downs instead of four. This equals more passing and more offense. More chances to beat the spread.

Day 5 of Twitter suspension: Watching CFL game between Montreal and Winnipeg. The fact that I knew that Montreal has the best record in the league is very sad.

Dippy the Pirate Bear just called to let me know that he is changing his Super Bowl pick from the Lions to the Eagles and his MVP pick from Jon Kitna to Vick.

Great day! Mrs. Bundchen (Tom Brady) and Hot Tub Boy (Matt Leinart) both played pre season games and the Philadelphia Eagles have just killed their season.

Congrats Philadelphia Eagles fans! Your team has now created a circus and have signed Andy Reid's death warrant as coach. Vick is a dog and coach killer.

Watching Phillies-Cubs game where stupid drunk Chicago guy dumps his beer on the Philly outfielder trying to make a catch. Why doesn't this happen more often?

I know no one wants to read my baseball themed updates but, this weekend is the make it or break it series for the Braves at home against Philly. Tic tacs rule!

Inspired by Klosterman, fueled by orange hallucingenic tic tacs, and feeling angry about Twitter suspension I am downloading old Metallica, Led Zep, and Thrice.

Just turned on the Nats-Braves game and Rob Dibble sounds like the announcer of a monster truck rally in some meth infested city between Raleigh and Columbia.

On day three of Twitter suspension. I'm watching bad re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, reading Klosterman, and trying to score more hallucingenic tic tacs.

I just saw a clip of a Mike Tyson interview. Mike was his classic incoherent self. Sitting next to him a fat white guy with Erik Estrada sunglasses on. Classic

Got a call from the Los Angeles Police to advise me that Dippy had beaten up a taxi driver for not giving him a free ride to the airport. What a loser.

Dippy just called from the Viper Room. He just set fire to his car and is hiding out with Robert Downey Jr. and the Sham-Wow guy doing Jello shots. I love LA.

Eleven hours into Twitter suspension: I want my Twitter back! I did not gamble on pre season football. I did not sell secrets to North Korea. I am innocent.

So I got this cream from some pirate bear guy. He told me it would help my workouts. He told me that there was nothing "bad" in it. Never trust a pirate bear!!

Submitted my request for an appeal of my Twitter suspension. My defense is that I had absolutely no idea what I was putting into my body. I got this cream....

Ten hours into Twitter suspension: I have been visited by Tony Dungy who can not lie. He is now my mentor. I don't see how he is going to help me now. I'm lost

Seven hours into my Twitter suspension: trying to figure out which "supplements" I can legally take. Rethinking Detroit Lions prediction of a 16-0 season.

Yay me! I'm so excited! I have officially been suspended from Twitter! I can apply for reinstatement in a week. I am the Michael Vick of Twitter!

Terrell Owens needs to hit on a better looking white chick than the one that is interviewing him right now. Step your game up Terrell.

Terrell Owens needs to hit on a better white chick than the one that is interviewing him right now. Step your game up Terrell.

I gotta say that Hall of Famer Vince Young looks great on the sideline with a grimace on his face and his hat on backwards with a clipboard.

In looking, more like glancing, the folks who are tweeting about True Blood I can't help but notice how the shows fans cross race and gender

Apparently the show True Blood is the top trending topic on Twitter at this time. I have truly enjoyed the show and I never thought I would

I stand corrected. It was Hall of Fame quarterback Vince Young's second pass in a game in 100 years. Way to step your game up, Vince!

Future Hall of Famer Vince Young threw his first pass in a game in 100 years right to the wrong colored jersey. Next up? The Super Bowl!

Dippy should have his own Facebook and Twitter accounts. He is back with a vengence. He is trying to find Scott Baio in the Viper Room

Just got a call from Dippy the Pirate Bear. He's in LA under a bridge doing lines off a $50 a night hooker. His priorities are in order.

Still bitter at Man U loss. Now watching HOF game realizing that the EPL starts next week, football is starting, and Dippy is back. Awesome!

So the Nationals are up by seven going into the ninth inning looking to win their eighth in a row. Not even the Nats can blow this like Britney Spears can they?

Watching DC United against Real Madrid #DCU : is Real Madrid the NY Yankees of international football? $375 million in contracts!

Dippy and I are still deeply in a funk over Man U's loss to Chelsea this morning. Of course, Dippy is in a much much DEEPER funk than I.

I'm just sick. Dippy just took the spike. Of what I am not sure. United players flop and throw away the same on penalty kicks. Just sick!

Great effort by Rooney in extra time to even the score. Though he was likely off sides so I guess its payback by the refs. Dippy is stoned again.

Why is it that every time United plays Chelsea they get robbed by the refs? Every single match this happens. Two cheap goals and its 2-1 Chelsea

Now United's defense is as shaky as Dippy's vow of honesty, sobriety, and chasity. He called just now to tell me he is calling an "escort"

Play should have been stopped after a United player got body slammed that led to the Chelsea breakaway. But United should have kept playing.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called me to let me know that getting a blow job from a hooker under a bridge is not very cheap in LA. Good to know.

Someone needs to bean Drogba for Chelsea knocking Nani out of the game with an injury. Oh, wrong sport. But, still someone needs to pay.

If Drogba hadn't run right into a drunken Foster would Chelsea have scored that cheap goal? That was as cheap as the cost of a hummer under a bridge.

Dippy called to tell me that he is having nightmares of being kidnapped by some pathological lunatic who called himself 47. Crazy, man.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he was happy that MJ died because he left behind in his LA home lots and lots of good drugs.

The Man U goalie, Foster, seems to be stoned or on heroin right now. He seems lethargic and can't kick the ball well. Dippy says he is proud

Good first half for Man U who hold a goal lead at the half time whistle. Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he likes what he sees.

As I was saying before, Chelsea's defense is as shaky as a three pack a day smoker who quits cold turkey. Or a HGH fueled hamster losing the needle.

Beautiful goal by Nani puts Man U up by a goal early against Chelsea. The Blues defense is as shaky as Lindsey Lohan's sobriety and sanity.

It's sad that the only team that I cheer for that has consistently won anything is actually a soccer team out of England. Man U. has won three titles in a row.

I will be watching Manchester United play Chelsea for a silver plate or something tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'm excited for this game.

Its Saturday night and I am watching a soccer game between Barca and some nameless team from "Drugico". My brain has jumped the shark now.

Earth is now hurtling straight towards the sun which will, of course, supernova and kill us all. All because the Nats have won 7 in a row.

Just read that a guy in Florida is blaming his cat for downloading over 1000 images of child porn onto his computer. Happens all the time!

How on Earth can the Nationals make history if they do stuff like win six games in a row? Man up and lose 15 in a row to get back on track!

C'mon Saito, please please drill one of the Yankee players in the ass! I want to see someone take a run at the pitcher and throw down.

Now it is time for Sox pitcher to throw at a Yankee batter and the cage match is on. Throw in some cat litter, Stoli, and leather and you have a title shot.

Dustin Pedroia just got dotted by a Yankee pitcher after a ball pitched earlier almost took his head off. Its a nine run deficit. Time for a major brawl.

The Boston Red Sox are on the wrong side of a prison sex scene right against the Yankees right now. Where are the guards when you need them?

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

I just picked Steve Smith and Peyton Manning. I know that I am tempting fate. Smith could end up beating up another teammate and Peyton might kill someone.

I'm so thinking of taking Arnez Battle as the #1 draft choice in the draft. He is projected to get no catches for no yards and no touchdowns

Unhappy with my first team in fantasy football, I joined another league. So I'm drafting #1 in 3 minutes. Nothing like a new group of tree smokers.

I'm looking at my fantasy football roster and am wondering which one of them will be arrested for dog fighting, carrying guns, or hitting their girlfriends.

Now deep into the 15th round of fantasy draft. It is time for a kicker. With the 143rd pick, the Coke Snorters pick....Neil Rackers. Yay!!

Can anyone tell me why on Earth I picked Maurice Jones-Drew in the first round of the fantasy football draft? Too much smoking tree I guess

I am driving to work with the rest of the lemmings. Three of four drivers on 460 are driving and doing something illegal at the same time.

I must be smoking a lot of tree, but I'm in the middle of watching the Nats score six runs in the eighth to turn a 4 run deficit into a lead

I have a better chance at going into a nightclub and shooting myself in the leg in New York than the Braves making the play-offs this year.

I am watching the Braves Kawakami get lit up by the Padres. Hasn't anyone learned that bringing pitchers over from Japan is a bad idea?

90,000 at the Rose Bowl for a FC Barca PRE-SEASON game is proof that Americans know what they are doing by supporting great international soccer over the MLS.

Is it me or is "Smiling Bob" from the Enzyte ads reach the Michael Jackson circa Jackie O. period level of utter creepiness? I say "YES!"

I can not help but wonder how much HGH, fertility drugs, and steriods that Stallone and Lundgren ingested while "training" for Rocky IV.

Day 7 without nicotine: I've run up a huge gambling debt betting on WNBA games, MLS matches, and classic tennis matches on TTC. Help me!!

Did the Rocky series jump the shark at III or at IV? Each movie ruins the legacy of the first two classics. Just like Favre with the Jets.

Watching Rocky IV scene where Rocky and Drago are training over really bad porn music. This movie is high on the unintentional comedy scale.

I thought after the annual Pirate fire sale they would be the worst team in baseball, but the Nats continue to prove they have that title.

I wonder what it is like to be a Red Sox fan where in nearly every road game there are more Sox fans than fans of the home team. Joy joy!

So the Braves traded a first baseman for another first baseman? That sounds like a major upgrade. Like switching from frozen Tang to vodka

Shocked that Facebook let me get away with starting a group in order to cheer the next TV weatherman in my town to get busted for smack.