My Letter To Kidnapper 47

Dear Kidnapper 47,

I'll try to be brief.  I would like to thank you for showing some humanity and releasing Dippy pretty much in one piece.  Except for the blood soaked towel, but that is normal for him.  Dippy is likely in need of detox due to large amount of drugs he has been taking, but again that is normal for him.  Anyways he and I will need to debrief his whole experience of being held hostage.  It was your demand for me to switch my allegiance from Atlanta sports to Washington sports.  I refused to give in to such terrorist tactics.  I have refused to switch over and give in despite the threats of Dippy being sent back in 47 Zip-Loc baggies.  You respected my devotion.  It apparently appealed to your devotion to Washington sports.  The FBI did not believe that Dippy was still alive.  Does the FBI ever get anything right?  I thought that Dippy was doomed either way so it really did not matter what I did.  So I chose my heart.  I like Washington, DC as a city.  It's a pretty good place to live if you ignore the street violence, bad schools, horrible traffic, high priced call girls, and a penchant for mayors to be caught smoking crack in hotel rooms.  They have respectable sports teams (if you take out the Nationals who are sadly putrid and the baseball fans deserve better) that make the play-offs.  The Caps, Wizards, DC United, and Redskins all made the play-offs last year.  That is a lot to cheer for.  I like those teams.  However, I don't love them.  I hope they do well.  I'll pull for them. However, when the chips are down I love Atlanta and it's desperate and destitute sports franchises.  I believe that you like as many teams as you want, but I do believe that you have to have a favorite and you stick with them no matter what.  Despite the fact I could make the argument that the owners have screwed the fans in Atlanta so much that you are forced into a divorce I am sticking with Atlanta hoping that some day I will be rewarded for such twisted loyalty.

As I sit in a rat infested hotel in Richmond, Virginia blocks from skid row transvestite prostitutes selling pirated copies of Star Wars: The Clone Wars for cocaine, I am feeling bad for you.  Why you ask?  I finished watching your Redskins look absolutely awful playing on national TV in their first game against the Giants.  I suspected that Jason Campbell and the offense would take awhile to get into the rhythm of the West Coast offense, but I was hoping for better than what was on display in New Jersey.  Campbell looked like a rookie.  There was no run game even with two quality running backs.  Receivers dropped balls and couldn't keep from getting off-sides.  The defense got shell shocked early and then pulled it together enough to not get blown out of the building.  The Giants got sixteen.  I figured that if the Giants got more than 14 then the Redskins would lose by at least four.  I was left wondering:  Are the Redskins that bad or the Giants that good?  I think the Redskins offense was bad.  The Giants overall were very good.  I expected a little more than 7 points from the offense.  Don't they have training camp and four (oh, the Redskins had five) pre season games to work on this mess?  Oh well, the Redskins will likely get at least six more wins than the Falcons this year.  I am picking Atlanta to be 1-15, by the way.  At least, the Redskins don't have to sell off tickets at huge discounts for their home opener so that the game won't get blacked out on TV.  If your home opener gets blacked out on TV then your team should be relegated to the CFL.

I would like to offer you the chance to be a frequent contributor to this post.  I know I shouldn't give you anything because you committed a felony offense that carries more prison time than what Ron Mexico got, but I would like a new voice on this blog to choose mine.  So I invite you to post on this blog or at least to submit posts that I will publish for you.  Just let me know.  Thanks for taking care of Dippy for the last month even though he was against his will, but reading the transcript it does not look like that he knew what was going on anyways.

Fox