DIPPY IS FREE TO GO: A LETTER TO FOX

Dear Fox:

 I have decided to let Dippy go home, back to the warm waters and bear costume-scorching sun of Virginia Beach.  I have been contemplating giving Dippy back to you for a couple of reasons:

1)      The 47-3 drubbing the Washington Redskins suffered at the hands of the Panthers on Saturday has vastly dimmed the optimism I have recently had for their success this year.  Watching this “dress rehearsal for the regular season” was extremely disconcerting and tortuous, sort of like having an old fling...(CENSORED BY FOX)

2)      Ever since I accosted Dippy, your recent blogs have been rather pedantic, lacking their usual flair that comes from having Dippy by your side to give his commentary on a variety of subjects.  I am returning him to you in hopes that there will be future conversations between you two jaded lost souls for people in every continent to enjoy.

Additionally, I have read your latest blog, in which you seem to continue to desperately cling to your love for Atlanta sports.  I agree with you: the Falcons won’t be good for several years; the Braves’ 14-year run is a distant past; the Hawks will continue to lose their players to countries such as Greece, Angola, and Mauritius; and the Thrashers probably won’t be there in a few years.  But hey, at least the Georgia Bulldogs will be good this year, although their ranking keeps dropping with each arrest.  Hey, there’s always the Georgia Force!  But I am going to admit something to you.  You called my bluff!  I was trying to act like I was going to hurt someone you care about in an effort to convert you to Washington sports because I truly believed this might be the year the Skins actually make a good run in the playoffs.  I knew you were struggling with your loyalties, and I attempted to take advantage of that.  I was going to kidnap your daughter, but I was afraid she would run my cell phone bill way up.  So Dippy seemed to be the next logical choice.  In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Dippy, partly because, at heart, I am a lover, not a fighter, and partly because Dippy had access to all kinds of drugs, and I was afraid he could kick my butt with the help of a drug-induced psychosis.  To that end:

I have provided you with a transcript of my last conversation with Dippy.  I have to apologize, because Dippy seems quite disoriented.  He hardly ate anything the whole time he was under my supervision.  Instead, as the picture I sent you shows, he chose to consume only alcohol and pills, and occasionally snort cocaine if it was on a stripper’s breast. 

K47: Okay Dippy, you are free to go home now!

Dippy: Uuuuuggggggghhhhh. What? Who are you?

K47: I am the guy who kidnapped you.

Dippy: I was kidnapped? I thought I was at a rave, with all the drugs I was doing!

K47: Yeah, I gave those drugs to you because I thought they would make you happy!

Dippy: You were right man!  Uuuuugggggghhhhhhh! How long have I been gone?  Like three hours?

K47: Ummm.  Actually, it has been a month.

Dippy: Holy crap!  I wonder if my girlfriend is asking about me, or if she is banging some other guy now.  What month is it?  Did the Lakers win the NBA Championship?  When do the Olympics start?  Did I miss the AFI concert?  Uuuuuuggggghhhh!  Get me a towel!

K47: Woah, slow down Dippy.  I think you have lost all sense of time and reality.  Those drugs really messed you up, didn’t they!  Maybe Fox can answer all your questions.

Dippy: Oh God, not that guy! He can’t make up his mind about anything.  I remember he was questioning whether he should stay loyal to Atlanta sports.

K47: Actually, that is why I am letting you go.  He called my bluff, and is sticking with Atlanta.

Dippy: Did the Lakers win?

K47: Ummm, no.  As everyone had predicted two months before the season began, the Celtics beat the Lakers.  Dippy, you hadn’t been kidnapped yet when the Celtics won.

Dippy: Ugggghhhhhh. Sunstroke, Memory, Gone.

K47: Yeah, and apparently Kobe Bryant has to visit Shaq so he can tell him how his ass tastes.

Dippy: What?

K47: Nevermind, talk to Fox.  So what are you going to do now that you are free?

Dippy (blood dripping from his wrist): Uuuuuggggghhhh! I think I will just sit in my room taking these pretty blue pills and listen to Forever the Sickest Kids over and over.

K47: So basically the same thing you did while you were with me.  Dippy, you need help!  Talk to Fox!  I am sure he wants your perspective on the Democratic Convention, among other issues.

Dippy: Seriously, can you get me a towel, man?

K47: Good Bye Dippy.