Another Visit From Dippy The Pirate Bear

Dippy is back with us tonight after coming back from a coke bender with Lindsey Lohan. We are watching the Lakers-Spurs Game 5 together.



Fox: So how are you tonight?

Dippy: Little tired. Little wired at the same time.

Fox: Coke benders do that to you?

Dippy: I guess.

Fox: So are you worried right now? The Lakers are down by 16 in the second quarter right now.

Dippy: Not really. I expected that the Spurs would come out strong since they are up against the wall. They are the champions and they are not going to go down for good without a big huge fight even if they are in LA and Cameron Diaz is at the game.

Fox: My theory is that the champion unless the team is completely overhauled is still the team to beat until someone beats them. San Antonio is a team people like to forget about. They do not have any huge charismatic stars. Their second best player is named "Manu". They are from a small TV market. However, they are a modern NBA dynasty. They played overall well all year, but everybody was focused on Phoenix after the Shaq trade and LA after the Pau Gasol trade...err...steal. Houston had a 22 game winning streak I think. Nobody outside of San Antonio talked about them all year. But they are the champions and here they are back in a conference final round. Let me also say this though. LA better win tonight. If they don't then they have to go back to Texas. Nobody wants to go back to Texas. Thelma and Louise did not want to go back to Texas for obvious reasons. The Lakers for the same reason don't want to go back to Texas. If they do, then we will have a Game 7 in LA. If that happens, the number of stars at the game will cause a major security problem. They'll have to declare martial law in LA because of all the stars at the game and the potential for a riot after the game. Matter of fact I want LA to win.

Dippy: Why do you want them to win?

Fox: Everytime they won a title in this decade the people outside the Staples Center tried to burn the whole city down. I would love to see that again. Cars being overturned. Stores burning. Effigies of Michael Douglas being burned. Perfect.

Dippy: What does Michael Douglas have to do with any of this?

Fox: Didn't you see Wonder Boys Douglas was a train wreck in that movie.

Dippy: But he's a great actor. He was great in Basic Instinct.

Fox: You've made my point.

Dippy: LA is not the only place where they burn the city down if their team wins. There's Detroit. They always burn that place down when they won. Matter of fact they do that when they lose.

Fox: So how's Lindsey?

Dippy: I think she's OK. A few nosebleeds, that's all. She's pretty wild when she is hopped up on coke. She dances naked in front of the mirror wearing a Bush mask singing "Paint It Black" by the Stones.

Fox: Interesting.

Dippy: Yeah, it's great. She gives really good lap dances as well.

Fox: Hmm...

Dippy: It's wild that she using a toothbrush to....

Fox: OK, stop there. Innocents might be reading.

Dippy: There is no such a thing as an "innocent."

Fox: True.

Dippy: Sorry to be so cynical. It's my nature. I don't think I can help it.

Fox: You're a dude in a bear suit playing with kids on a beach in the middle of the summer for beer money or cigaraettes or razors. I really don't blame you for being cynical.

Dippy: You're pretty cynical yourself.

Fox: Not really. I am a realist.

Dippy: Oh, is that another word for cynical?

Fox: Sure....(75 second pause)...so what did you think of that no-call on that last shot in Game 4. Wasn't Berry fouled on that play?

Dippy: It sucks that the play-offs in the NBA are more about what the officials do or don't do then the play on the court. We have had some interesting games and series, but here we are talking about a call that didn't happen and nor should it have happened. Berry should have done like MJ or Kobe would have done which is to lean into the defender to make sure there was contact. Berry just jumped up and shot the ball.

Fox: Well, the ball was not in a star's hands. A non-star like Berry would not get that call. Stars only get that call. Berry was not going to get that call. Anyways the refs want the Lakers and Celtics to win anyways. Don Stern will have the ref killed if he called a foul on that play and put Berry on the line for three points to win the game at the end.

Dippy: So you are a conspiracy theorist guy?

Fox: No. Most will blame me for being a conspiracy theorist guy. It's really not a conspiracy. A conspiracy implies that no one knows about the plot except those sirectly involved. That is not the case here. Everybody knows that the refs want the Celtics and the Lakers in the Finals. Everybody who says they don't know this is obviously delusional. When everybody knows about a plan it isn't a conspiracy.

Dippy: The Lakers have pulled to within six now. They're coming back. They are the better team regardless of what the refs do anyways. The Spurs do not have the same amount of offensive weapons that the Lakers do.

Fox: Look at that bad shot by Kobe. That was an ugly air ball.

Dippy: That was terrible. It was like watching my mom shower with that trucker guy she picked up at that rest stop on I-64 in New Kent county.

Fox: Dude. TMI. TMI.

Dippy: Sorry. Larry Odom just hit a great jumper. He really needs to get into the game.

Fox: I agree he is vital. When he is involved in the game the Lakers absolutlely can not the beaten by anyone. He can work with Kobe in the paint and together they can totally control both sides of the court. When Odom disappears, and he does so more so than a narc at a biker rally or a women's prison, and the Lakers look vunerable and Kobe decides either to take every shot or pass to someone else for every shot.

Dippy: Sheed Wallace got fined $25,000 for his expletive laden comments about the refs last night.

Fox: Again, the refs are the big story. Sheed is one of my favorite players. I guarantee you he will get a technical foul during the next game. If he gets another one then he'll get suspended for the next game. That is exactly what Don Stern wants. I love Wallace though. He's like the kid at school that everybody likes to pick on because everytime someone does they go nuts. That's Sheed.

Dippy: The Lakers take the lead on a sweet fade by Kobe.

Fox: They're taking over now. Dyan Cannon is probably taking a leak into her diaper now.

Dippy: Don't you mean Jack?

Fox: No, Jack is indestructable. He's the Terminator. He will live longer than all of us. Trust me.

Dippy: Well, I gotta go.

Fox: What? You have to go? What's up? It's the fourth quarter.

Dippy: I have to get my Molotov cocktail ready for the after-game party after the Lakers win.

Fox: OK, we'll see you next week.