Running Diary: Sunday Night Madness

It has been a while since my last running diary.  This night is extra special as it is the last night of my emergency on-call shift for the weekend.  It is not as special as Mindy McCready's special night with Roger Clemens though.  I am at a friend's house so I will be commenting on what my friends are watching as opposed to my meandering across the digital cable landscape.

8:47 pm:  Watching the Academy of Country Music awards from Las Vegas.  I know virtually nothing about country music.  I do have one experience from about sixteen years ago.  My band and I were rolling in a beat-up van in Eastern Tennessee trying to get to a gig in Knoxsville.  I was loaded on beer and year old Tic Tacs rumbling through some backwoods oblivion.  The only radio station we could pick up was a country station.  We heard a song about a guy, his dog, his shot-gun, and what did to the dog with the shotgun.  I'll just say that he made Michael Vick proud.

8:51 pm:  Some guy in a dirty hat is singing some song that I have never heard before.  He looks like a drunk serial killer country singer dude.  I wish I was drunk right now.

8:52 pm:  There are more cowboy hats in the crowd then there are brain cells left in Brit Spears head.  I don't know if that is a shot against the crowd or Spears.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am not comfortable with both the number of cowboy hats in the crowd or brain cells left in Brit's head.  I need a beer if I am going to listen to country music.

8:54 pm:  Sh*& man!  It's Dick Clark.  He sounds like he has two hundred marbles in his mouth.  Just like Kurt Cobain in "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  I wonder what Kurt would be doing if he was still alive.  I wonder if he would be going through his Elvis phase where he headlines Vegas shows in sparkled spandex pants and hooked on heroin and painkillers.

8:56 pm:  I need to call home soon.  I am happy to say that the DefCon level is going down in intensity in the last week.  It has dropped from the "2" Medium Salsa level to a level "4" roasted cucumber level.  Russia has decided to lay down her arms and not launch a crazy tank attack on Poland or Canada.  The Ice Princess of Siberia has decided that talking is a good idea during a cold war as opposed to setting fire to the U.S. President's clothes and shaving the words "Dick Head" on his cat's back.  Kim Jong Il was on holiday in the woods somewhere so the risk of some sort of nuclear winter at least this weekend went down significantly, but there is always Monday.  

9:03 pm: The Yankee-Met game is on.  Joe Morgan made the following shocking statement:  "In a tight game like this, one run makes a difference."  I may be in the midst of a tic tac hallucination right now, but that statement clearly shows that Joe Morgan should not be allowed in a broadcast booth.  Frankly, neither should his partner Jon Miller.  The light that Joe and Jon shed on the complexities of baseball games could light a coal mine for about ten seconds.

9:12 pm: Called home.  No major incidents at home.  No tank attacks or giant hamsters attacking the house.  

9:13 pm:  Back at Yankee Stadium Carlos Delgado of the Mets were robbed of a home run in which the ball hit the top of the wall in left field right at the foul pole.  The umpires initially called it a home run, but they changed the call on the field to a foul ball.  Instant replay showed it was clearly a home run.  This is why we need instant replay in baseball.

9:20 pm: Jon and Joe are going to run this foul ball that should have been called a home run into the ground.  This is their MO.  They beat everything they talk about into the ground faster than a F-16 crashing into a mall parking lot in Virginia Beach.  Why on Earth is it so hard to withdraw from Tic Tacs?  Is there any help for this?  Vicodin?  Lifesavers?

9:23 pm:  Glad to see we had a major Triple Crown horse race that did not result in a horse's death.  Big Brown was on cruise control at the end and won by over five lengths.  We actually have a legitimate Triple Crown threat.  I would not put any money on Big Brown to win the Triple Crown because he will be such a favorite that you will not be able to win any money on just him to win.  However, go for a trifecta, at least you will know one horse that will be in the top three.  I'll give you my picks on the Friday before the race.  I know nothing about horse racing so it should be interesting, but I can't resist being the degenerate gambler that I am.

9:32 pm: Back at Yankee Stadium, Joe and Jon are still beating down the foul ball that should have been a home run play.  It is nineteen minutes past that play now.  They will probably go on for another thirty minutes.  They beating this thing down more than Keith Urban has had to beat his thing down since marrying Nicole Kidman.  Mark my words that guy is going back to rehab in the next four months.  I can not imagine marrying Nicole Kidman, but dealing with a pregnant Nicole Kidman would drive anyone to booze and Tic Tacs.

9:36 pm: I have to admit that I only watched a small amount of the Game 7 between the Celtics and the Cavs in the pot den that the new Boston Garden is.  From what I could tell (and the statistics bear this out) it was a classic star player vs. star player competition.  Paul Pierce finally had the game that showed Boston fans that he could step up his game when it matters by dropping 41.  LeBron who is desperately trying to channel his Michael Jordan karma dropped 45 in his best game of the series.  However, Pierce's teammates are ten times better than Pierce's.  The result?  The Celtics won 97-92.  As I watched the game I never truly believed that the Cavs were going to win.  The Celtics controlled the tempo of the game and even though they allowed Cleveland to keep it close in the second half they stayed at least one step ahead the whole game.  They were able to rest their Top Three for stretches during the game as they never were truly threatened.  However, in order for them to make the Finals they will need two things to happen instead of one.  First, they need to get the iffy calls from the referees that they were going to get anyways because Don Stern wants a Laker-Celtic Finals so badly he'll have the refs killed if they don't call things the Celts way 90% of the time.  Secondly, the Celtics need to win at least one game in Detroit against the Pistons.  I am looking forward to watching Rasheed Wallace get kicked out of a game in this series when a call goes against him.  Trust me.  It will happen.  And when it does he'll be right.  On another note, LeBron might be the "Second Coming" and all of that nonsense, but in looking at his game now in comparison to when he came into the league there is no difference. Jordan, Magic, Kobe, Bird et al. all tinkered year after year with their game during the off season to become better and better.  They each added elements to their games year after year to make themselves better.  King James has not.  His game is the same that it always has been.  He continues to have no offensive mid-range game.  He is great in the paint and from the perimeter.  Anywhere else is no man's land.  he has to develop a game in the "middle" in order to become better.  If that happens he will be unstoppable.

9:50 pm:  Anyone notice that the NFL Network shows re-plays of NFL games from last season?  On Sundays they started with Week 1 of 90 minute re-plays of the top games of that week.  Then each Sunday afterwards they go to the top games of the following week and on and on.  First, I absolutely love this idea.  They take the pertinent 90 minutes of the game and play just that.  They intermix NFL Films shots and pressers of the coaches and players after the game to give the game an added context.  This is genius.  I watched the Chargers-Colts match-up from Week 10 where Peyton Manning (Eli's older brother) threw eighteen interceptions to Shawn Merriman and still the Colts had a chip shot field goal chance to win.  The Chargers still won the game.  I wonder if I can bet on "next" Sunday's games and win money?  Two tickets to Vegas please!

9:57 pm:  In order to get off the Tic Tacs I am going to start gambling excessively on baseball, Arena football, and WNBA games.  I'll post my picks occasionally.  I wonder if I'll do better than Pete Rose.  I wonder what finally caught Pete in the end?  Was it the fact that he bet on his own team or that he was just so bad at it?  Speaking of gambling, Charles Barkley does not want to be a role model, but he is definitely my gambling role model.  That guy has got to be in the Gambling Hall of Fame for "forgetting" to pay back $400,000 in gambling debts.  Classic.  I want to move to Alabama just so I can vote for him for governor. He is my gambling hero.

10:02 pm:  Jon and Joe are still bringing up that foul ball play.  It's now forty-six minutes after the play.  Give it a rest, guys.  Isn't there something else you can talk about?  Like ED medication or strippers?

10:03 pm:  Can anyone name three Tampa Bay Rays players after B.J. Upton and Scott Kazmir?

I am a baseball degenerate and I could not name any other players on the Rays and they were leading the AL East going into the weekend.  I watched their series against the Cardinals in St. Louis (which guaranteed that they would lose) and they reminded me of the 1991 Atlanta Braves team in terms of their youth, energy, and inexperience (seven of their twelve pitchers were born in the 80s.)  I need to research this more and give you all a more cogent explanation, but I see the comparisons.  I watched how the Rays would not give up the fight and also make bad mistakes that would cost them games (like leaving 100 runners on base on Saturday in a one-run loss).  They have great talent, they are maturing into a winning team, and they have no idea where they are.

10:17 pm:  Did I read somewhere that Jason Giambi of the Yankees was wearing a gold thong?

I don't think I am hallucinating.  There is a brown bear in a pirate outfit sitting next to me.  He has a needle in his arm and is acting like Nikki Sixx.  Gold thongs and HGH.  Great combo.

10:19 pm:  Apparently, the bear's name is Dippy.  He says that he is a pirate bear.  Riiiigggghhhhhtttt.   

10:20 pm:  Just saw a promo for the TV remake movie, Get Smart.  The movie looks absolutely stupid.  I have to say that I think Anne Hathaway is extremely hot.  I am absolutely not joking about this.  I think that she is stunning.  I get dizzy when I see her.  I will gladly endure the Get Smart movie in order to see her on-screen.  It was her that kept me from tearing all my fingernails out while watching The Devil Wears Prada. I had not noticed her before that movie.  I normally do not get crushes on celebrities since I don't know them.  Anne is an exception.  Speaking of people I do know, I have another crush as well.  She is a nu....khqerhwlkjerwhlkjhrelktjhklwejrhtlkktlhkj4.

10:23 pm:  I reeaallly wwwiiisssshh I wwwoooouuulllddd nnnnooottt gggeeettttt ttttaaassseeeerrrredddd evvvvveeerry tttttiiiiimmmmeeee III bbbrrrriiinnngg  thhhhiiiisss  uuuuuppp......fjkhfkerjlhlkjerhwltkjherjk