Introducing Dippy The Pirate Bear

Tonight we have brought in our special guest columnist, Dippy, the Pirate Bear!!!! He will be joining us regularly to talk about his insights into love, sports, and life in general. So let's get to it:

Fox: How are you doing, Dippy?
Dippy: Uh, not good, man.
Fox: What's wrong?
Dippy: My razor broke.
Fox: OK, that's a problem.
Dippy: Well, that's the razor that I use when I get nervous.
Fox: Whadda mean?
Dippy: When I get nervous I use the razor.
Fox: To do what?
Dippy: (sighing) To cut my arms.
Fox: To cut your arms?
Dippy: Yeah, it relieves my nerves. When I get mad. I cut. I get nervous. I use the razor.
Fox: Are you trying to kill yourself or just relieve tension.
Dippy: You're a tool. I'm sick of people thinking that just because I use my special razor that I'm trying to kill myself. I like physical pain. It helps me fell better. Get off my back!!
Fox: OK, OK. Calm down.
Dippy: (45 second pause) uuuuhhhh.
Fox: (55 second pause) Do you need a towel?
Dippy: No. I'm fine.
Fox: So tell us about yourself.
Dippy: Well, I work for an ocean front hotel on Virginia Beach. I entertain the kids on the beach at the hotel while their parents are getting loaded in the bar.
Fox: So you wear a bear suit and go out on the beach during the summer and entertain children? Dippy: That's right. I wear the outfit. I play for the kids. I keep them busy so they forget their parents are sleeping with the next store neighbor in the hotel.
Fox: OK. (25 second pause)
Dippy: uuuhhh...
Fox: Do you need a towel?
Dippy: No...I'm OK.
Fox: ooo...k. (15 second pause) So how old are you?
Dippy: I'm 18.
Fox: Are you still in school?
Dippy: Yes. I go to high school in Virginia Beach.
Fox: Senior? Junior?
Dippy: Senior. I'm on the six year plan.
Fox: I thought the six year plan was for when you are in college? How does that work when you are in high school?
Dippy: I have spent some time away from home. Away from school. I don't want to talk about it.
Fox: ooo...k. Are you sure you don't need a towel?
Dippy: No. I'm OK.
Fox: So you work in a bear outfit during the summer on the beach playing with kids? Doesn't it get hot?
Dippy: Sure it does. I just learn to deal with it.
Fox: How do you do that?
Dippy: Painkillers.
Fox: Painkillers?
Dippy: Yeah. Vicodin. Lortabs. Anything that takes the edge off.
Fox: That's interesting. (55 second pause) So I know that you are a sports buff.
Dippy: Big fan. I watch a lot of sports on TV. I listen to Jim Rome on the radio.
Fox: Any teams that you follow?
Dippy: I follow the Dodgers. Lakers. Anything in L.A.
Fox: So how do you think the Dodgers are doing? Are you worried?
Dippy: Joe Torre is a tool. They can't hit. Andruw Jones is a tool. Pitching is pretty solid. I just don't understand why Torre lets Andruw play everyday. He strikes out twice as a much as he gets a hit. That for 14.7 million dollars? He probably stopped using HGH or something and now he's completely falling apart like Jason Giambi. We've got a good pitching staff, but we don't have enough bats to win consistently. Middle relief is a problem.
Fox: So how worried are you about the Dodgers?
Dippy: Well we're at least five games out. Arizona is pretty well going to run away with everything. I think they'll come back to Earth at some point. I mean Brandon Webb has got to lose sometime.
Fox: The D-Backs are young, talented, and feisty. They have a ton of talent though. They have got three top starting pitchers and enough bats to get four runs a game.
Dippy: Well, I am worried. Torre is a tool. He looks constipated. Like a hamster.
Fox: Hamster?
Dippy: Yeaaahh...uuuhhh. A hamster. He looks like a hamster that has been drinking Drano.
Fox: Let's move on.
Dippy: Stop looking at me.
Fox: So who do think is going to win between the Lakers and the Spurs?
Dippy: I mean the Lakers should win. Kobe is determined now. He's got that look in the eye. He looks like William Shatner right before he was going to bang an alien chick. He wants to win the title without Shaq. I mean he wants to rub that in his face. He wants to show him the trophy to Shaq and say "I won this puppy without your sorry broken down ass. I did it without any other stars on my team. I did this by myself."
Fox: What about Gasol?
Dippy: Role player. He's not a star. He's going to get rolled by Duncan in the series. He's not a big time player.
Fox: But, the Lakers were a middle of the road Western Conference team before Gasol got there. Gasol gets there on the biggest steal of the trade deadline. I mean the GM of Memphis should be fired like the Pope on a Kool-Aid bender for making that trade. Gasol gets there and now they're in the top four teams in the league.
Dippy: He's not a star. They could have gotten Manute Bol and still gotten to where they are now.
Fox: So what if they had gotten Shaq back then?
Dippy: Don't look at me.
Fox: OK. So what do you think of American Idol? Whose your pick? David A. or David C.?
Dippy: David C. David A. sings like an opera singer whose been kicked in the man package too many times.
Fox: Your kidding right? David C. is the biggest poser there is. He has all these staged fake rock guy moves. He's so fake. He's using moves that Jim Morrison did in 1965. It's so contrived. How can anyone fall for that crap?
Dippy: Don't look at me. uuuuuhhhh.
Fox: You need a towel.
Dippy: How about a gauze pad?
Fox: So we'll see you next week.