Ladies And Gentlemen Of The Jury: The Case Against Sarah Palin

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to begin my opening statements in this case.  This case is all about the issues.  It is all about promises.  Promises made to a party.  To a nation. Promises that either have already been broken and promises that have no chance of coming true.  Why? Because the defendant in this case, GOP Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin has no intentions to keep them.  She has no intention to keep these promises because it is not in her nature to do so.  In fact, it is impossible in this case for her to do so.  She is being forced to attempt to adopt and parrot the GOP line.  She has put herself out to the public as a regular Jane.  A regular mom.  A hockey mom, in fact.  She and her running mate, John McCain, have advertised themselves as "mavericks" ready to go out into the world and change the system.  To change Washington, DC politics.  They state they are against special interests when in fact the people that are running their campaign are big business lobbyists of the highest caliber.  The defendant claims that she is a fiscal conservative.  However, the population of the state of Alaska where she is the governor has the highest state income tax burden per capita of any state in the country.   The state of Alaska spends more per person than any other state in the country.  This does not sound like fiscal conservatism.   She says she is against pork barrel projects, yet she has lobbied Washington, the very place she wants to "reform", for multiple pork projects that have literally in some cases gone "nowhere."  Her record for fiscal reform and limiting government spending is sketchy to say the least.  Her state is virtually controlled by the oil industry.  Citizens of Alaska get kick backs from the oil companies as hush money so that they will not complain that some of their tactics might be harmful to the environment.  All thanks to the defendant who has either supported these policies or looked the other way.  The defendant's coming party at the GOP convention provided us with a sample of her stated platform.  The below CNN segment provides evidence of where her stated platform at the GOP convention differs or is similar to the facts of the case--her actions while in office:  




Ladies and gentlemen, this is not about the defendant's family.  It's not about her daughter's pregnancy.  Those are off limits, even for me.  This is about her contradictions.  It is about what she says and does that is a snow job.  It's fraudulent.  It is simply a smokescreen thrown on the public.   So much so that it is insulting to anyone with a critical brain that looks beyond the smokescreen.

The defendant has continued to try to pound home the idea of change.  That she and her running mate will bring "real" change.  I present to you that I will prove that there is no such change coming under their administration.  In fact, it will more of the same.  The same ideas, rules, special interests, back pocket deals, and lobbying for the elite that got this country into a war it should have never started and a financial crisis that it should have seen coming.  Note the clip of Gov. Palin's interview below:

Listening to the defendant speak, it isn't the language of change.  It is the language of more of the same.  The language of a third Bush term just with different people behind the desk.  The defendant, if she were put in the vice presidential slot, one heartbeat away from the Oval Office, would give us the same litany of broken down policies and empty promises that we have seen in the last eight years.  Ladies and gentlemen, I will provide beyond a reasonable doubt that Sarah Palin is a fraud to her own political party and logically a fraud to the people.  She is the image of style over substance.  There is "style" if one could call it that, but when the evidence, the substance is presented it contradicts itself and the image of the defendant to such a degree that you will have no other reasonable choice but to find the defendant--guilty as charged.

Does Georgia Need To Do This Again?

In one of the most brazen moves in Mark Richt's time at the University of Georgia, he ordered his team to make sure they got an excessive celebration penalty when they scored their first touchdown against Florida last year in Jacksonville.  It turned out to be a pivotal moment for UGA as it fired the team up and gave them the inspiration they needed to finish off Florida handily and dominate their way through the rest of their schedule. Most folks criticized Richt for doing this or allowing this to occur, but all in all it was a huge moment for his team.

With Georgia playing without much inspiration, I am wondering if they need to do something like what they did against Florida again in the desert tonight at Arizona State.

Check out what UGA did below:



What do you think?

Gambling With House Money

I am doing emergency service behavioral health on-call work this weekend, which is why I made my picks early this weekend and I may have to run off.  I have two weeks left in my fantasy sports career.  Nobody took me up on my offer to join their fantasy football league.  Cowards!!!  Nonetheless, I somehow made the championship final fantasy baseball as the #4 seed.  I have the rest of the MLB regular season to go.  I am so happy to be walking away.  I have enjoyed the football season so much more by being able to focus my attention on the teams and players I care about and not whether or not someone slings the ball backwards on the one yard line thus causing someones team to take a gut wrenching fantasy loss.  I get to simply suffer when my team loses, not my fantasy teams.  I began to care more about my fantasy teams then real teams.  That was disturbing to everyone around me.  I was checking everyday for a hour a day (or more) to make sure my four fantasy football teams last year were doing ok.  My significant other wanted to send me to rehab...in South Korea where apparently they have inpatient rehab programs for internet addiction.  I am not busy on Sundays with my lap top refreshing fantasy scores every minute while one TV is playing whatever insipid game the networks were carrying in my region of the world.  I am glad I'm not doing that anymore.  I am not even giving fantasy advice to people who are still lurking the net looking for fantasy football nuggets.  It's over.  Done.

Like Michael Jordan leaving basketball for gambling huge money on his own golf game, I have moved onto degenerate on-line gambling with play money.  I have moved on to wagerline.com, a web site where sports degenerates can gamble with play money (called units) on every thing being contested under the sun.  I have "bet" on college football, the NFL, MLB, CFL, and even the WNBA.  I place about fifteen "bets" a day.  If you earn enough units in a given sport during a week or during the whole season then you become eligible to win actual real money.  So I don't lose anything (except time and the love of everyone in my home) and have something to win if I know what I am doing.  Of course, it is debatable whether or not I know what I am doing.  I have "bet" using point spreads in every college game being played today.  I even pick some over/under games.  So far, against the spread I pick correctly around 56% of the time on college games.  In pro football I am only one game over .500.  On wagerline.com, if you lose then you lose more units than you "bet" so if you are at .500 then you are in the hole as far as units are concerned.   I have learned that I have no business picking CFL and WNBA games.  None.  Though I am tempted to pick Connecticut in their WNBA play-off game this weekend.  Why?  Because wagerline.com will assist you in your picks in two ways.  The first way is that let's you know for each game the percentage of people who have picked one team or the other.  It also allows you for each game to see what the "experts" have picked.  The experts are what the website has tallied as the best handicappers for the teams involved.  Thus, whoever knows the team the best in terms of picking their contests is considered an expert on that team.  So you can go with the crowd or against it.  It is unclear how wise this crowd is, but at least you know what others are thinking even if you don't know anything about the teams that you are betting on.

I know that this is like one step away from on-line or real gambling with actual real money.  It is like the guy who is an alcoholic who goes to the bar and orders an O'Doul's.  It's just not that big of a leap towards the Coors.  Possibly the same thing here with on-line play gambling.  I will say that there is not as much excitement as in real gambling.  However, I think this is more fun because you really aren't losing anything (except time and maybe sex).  So since I have now a more vested interest in the Akron-Army game on ESPNClassic (I took Akron and the points), I'll click onto that game while looking over my shoulder for Sarah Palin's Terminator robots who I am sure are still after me.

Running From Sarah Palin And Your Pro Football Picks

Dippy and I are hiding out from the goons that Sarah Palin have sent to kill us both for last night's post. I can't tell you where we are for fear that they will find us. They have sent black helicopters and Terminator robots from the future to come and get us. This is worse than that Easter Bunny that came after me last Easter. I have never seen an Easter Bunny with an semi-automatic handgun. I am not clear why they would want Dippy except for the fact that he made sexual references towards the governor of Alaska, which is both disturbed and apparently illegal. Dippy has let me know that the government is bailing out large banks with bad debt. So not only I have to pay off my bad debt I now have to pay off some bank's debt so that their CEO can continue to keep his yacht and stable of hookers? This is Capitalism Gone Wild. These banks may have survived the Great Depression, but there is no surviving being utterly stupid. If you are stupid enough to give out a loan or mortgage to someone who by all accounts can not afford it, then you are stupid and do not deserve being bailed out by taxpayers. Everyone out there has their own "Bill" out there. "Bill" is that friend or family member who is always asking for money, but everyone knows based on his track record that he is not going to pay it back. Everyone around "Bill" who knows him knows that by giving him money that is simply giving money away. Then "Bill" meets "Tom" who ignores all of this and thinks they're going to be smart and make a profit off of "Bill" by charging weird interest rates that change as time goes on and he goes ahead and gives him money. Years later, "Bill" has not given much of the money back and never will...mainly because he never has. Not necessarily because "Bill" is a freeloader. It's just with all his good intentions he just can't do it. These banks and loaners that give away these loans and mortgages and now are sucking the rest of us dry by being bailed out by us, they are the "Tom"s. So the US government, horribly in debt, is now taking on the horrible debt of large banks. How does this not end in total disaster?

Oh, well. Dippy and I need to make our professional football picks.

Miami at New England (er, the Evil Empire, -12.5)

Fox: Everyone needs to remember that the Evil Empire has the easiest schedule in the league. Everyone must remember that Joey Porter can not keep his mouth shut. As a result, the Evil Empire has bulletin board material and a college team to play against this week. I wonder who would win between Miami and USC on a neutral field. As Tom Brady is trying to impregnate Brooke Hogan, the Patriots will roll all over the Dolphins. Take the Pats, er, Evil Empire.

Dippy: Miami is better than you think. And Miami has lots of good cocaine available. The Pats might win, but they won't cover. Take Miami.

Dallas at Green Bay (+3)

Dippy: Interesting game. Rodgers is playing well so far, but he is not playing the Lions this week. You have to look at the fact that the two teams the Packers have beaten are a combined 0-4. Dallas is so much better talent wise than Green Bay. It is not time enough yet for them to self-destruct. It's not frigid in Green Bay right now. Take Dallas as T.O. and Pac-Man score touchdowns this weekend.

Fox: Anyone else notice that Cowboys are now the new Raiders? The Cowboys have made it habit for well over a decade of bringing in malcontents and locker room cancers in order to reform them enough to win. The Cowboys now are that team. Even Tony Romo is like Ken Stabler. It's crazy. I really want to take the Packers in this game, however, I just can't. The Packers are one of the weakest 2-0 teams and it will show this weekend. Dallas it is.

Arizona at Washington (-3)

Dippy: You ever hear from Kidnapper 47?

Fox: No, I have not heard from him or her for awhile. Since you were released.

Dippy: I really connected with that guy.

Fox: Dippy, he or she doped you up like crazy and kept you captive for over a month threatening to kill you if I didn't drop Atlanta sports teams in favor of Washington's. He or she also killed your resistance puppy, er uh, drug dog. You probably have Stockholm Syndrome.

Dippy: I don't buy all that. I just wondering if Kidnapper 47 was around so I could talk to him. That's all.

Fox: Whatever then. Any sighting of those Terminator robots?

Dippy: No.

Fox: I told you not to make those sexual comments about Palin. I knew we'd end up on the run.

Dippy: It was you that called her a fraud. They are after you....you, I said. Ehhhh....ehhh....ehhh..

Fox: I knew you would crack under the pressure. Well, anyways I am taking the Cardinals in this game as they will outscore the Washington offense. The Cardinals will not have the same secondary as the Saints. Campbell is not going to roll up 300 plus yards again. The Redskins are vulnerable to the pass. The Cardinals have a good quarterback and two great receivers. Take the Cardinals.

Dippy: In honor of Kidnapper 47, I am going to take the Redskins. Matter of fact, I am taking the Redskins in every single game for the rest of the season no matter what happens. Take the Redskins. Redskins 287 Cardinals 2.

Fox: Geez.

New York Jets at San Diego (-9.5)

Dippy: The Jets are a factor with Favre, but they are so over-rated. The Chargers psyche is destroyed. Just gone. Blown game last week because the referee was on the take with the line being San Diego by one point. That ref couldn't let the Chargers cover. So the quick whistle trick. Boom, Denver wins. Boom, outta here. Take the Chargers who may be psyched out, but they are also pissed off and the Jets are not really that good.

Fox: Too many points for a team that is 0-2 and lost two straight heartbreaker games. The Jets will be in every game as long as Favre is still standing. I am not sure that the Jets can win, but the Chargers are not going to win by more than ten.

Kansas City at Atlanta (-5.5)

Dippy: Can you believe that Atlanta is favored in this game? I thought you said that they would not be favored in any game this year.

Fox: This is all because the Chiefs are worse than Sarah Palin on a water diet. They are awful. When you lose to the Raiders who are owned by a dead guy by as badly as they did, then you are the worst team close to ever. I am not sure how Coach Edwards keeps his job after this week. I think, on the other hand, the spread is too high. I think Atlanta will win, but only by a field goal at the end. Elam will kill the Chiefs again just like he did when he was with Denver, but take the Chiefs.

Dippy: Uh. I am so sick of picking Atlanta games. The Chiefs are truly bad. They don't have an offense or a defense. I did not really think that anyone would be as bad as Atlanta, but then the Chiefs came along. I think if the Hawks played the Chiefs they would win. Take Atlanta and excuse me while I run from the approaching Terminator robot that looks just like Sarah Palin. RUN!!!!

Your College Picks With Dippy And Fox

As Sarah Palin continues her beauty contest tour of complete hypocrisy and drivel, Dippy and I are pondering the financial markets.  We are thinking of cashing our 401K's in and investing in any company based out of Cuba.  We think that will be a more sound investment that putting our money into AIG and any long standing brokerage firm.  Equally as sound is making college football picks because it is clearly obvious that neither one of us know what we are talking about.  However, neither is any candidate running in the Presidential election.  At least we're trying.

Mississippi State at Georgia Tech  (-8)

Fox:  Let's just admit that we don't know anything about these two teams.  Why are we even picking this game.  It's like picking whether or not a dog will cross the road or not.  

Dippy:  Or a alcoholic chicken.

Fox:  You know all about that.  More than me.  I have a natural dislike for Georgia Tech that has dated back thirty years now.  I never think they are any good.  They barely lost at Virginia Tech last weekend and I am not sure what that even tells us.  This line simply is too high.  Mississippi State is better than an eight point underdog even if it's on the road.   I am taking Mississippi State.

Dippy:  Don't you know anything?  I mean you think Sarah Palin is a fraud.  You think that John McCain has had too many botox injections.   You think that the markets are unsound.   You keep crying wolf about Skylab like it's going to fall out of the sky or something.

Fox:  It did.  About thirty years ago.

Dippy: Well, you know what I am talking about.  You are a silly crazy person with a chip on his shoulder.  Get over yourself.  Take Georgia Tech.

Virginia Tech at North Carolina (-3)

Dippy:  Ehh...

Fox:  OK, I'll start this one.  You're busy with your pet razor.  North Carolina looked impressive against Rutgers.  They were throwing the ball all over the place.  They ran all over them.  However, it was Rutgers and they are on a downhill spiral.  Virginia Tech rebounded against Georgia Tech, but they are in a rebuilding mode.  They are playing a great deal of young guys who have talent, but lack overall experience.  Tech will be better as the year goes, but they are out of sorts right now.  I do not think that the Tar Heels will have two big games in a row on the road.  They are not as good as Virginia Tech and they will lose by more than a field goal.

Dippy:  Did you see Tina Fey play Sarah Palin on "Saturday Night Live" last weekend.  It was, as you say, classic.  She got it right on.  It made me want to nail Sarah Palin.  

Fox:  You are sicker than I thought.

Dippy:  Palin is hot, man.  Those glasses she wears.  I mean...I'd like to rip them off her face and...

Fox:  No, no, no...we're not going there buddy.  Send it to Penthouse.  Not here.  What about the Tar Heels and Hokies game?  You have got to pick something.  Anyways, Sarah Palin is a complete phony.  She says that she is like the rest of us.  She says that she is a conservative.  She is neither.   Her state is the highest tax state in the country per capita.  Her state is the highest spender per capita than any state in the country.  She lobbied the feds to get tons of money earmarked to her state on pet projects that we complete pork barrel projects.  How does that make her a fiscal conservative?   Sarah Palin is a beauty queen, a politician, and a rich woman and don't think she doesn't have money to burn probably mainly kick backs from oil companies that have been allowed to destroy her state, don't let her "small town" presentation fool you.  That does not make her like us.  Not everyone is a beauty queen.  Not everyone can be a cut throat politico.  Definitely, not everyone is rich.  She says all this crap about being a hockey mom.  That's great.  Does she now, as governor of Alaska, still drive around being a "hockey mom"?  Probably not.  She may have done that years and years ago, but she is not that now.  Simply put, she is not truthful.  She tries to come off as being "real" and "genuine" but she is none of those things.   Her state gives everyone $2,000 a year as a result of the oil industry?  That's not fiscally responsible or conservative.  

Dippy:  Whow...pal.  Isn't this a football pick blog entry?  Speaking of football picks I think that North Carolina is under-rated.  They have had a lot of down years in Chapel Hill, but it all changes this weekend as they put football back on the map at UNC by knocking off Tech in Blacksburg.   

Florida at Tennessee  (+7.5)

Fox:  I am not done with Sarah Palin.  I know, Dippy, that you think she is hot, which makes you extremely disturbed.  It makes sense that you would be attracted to her.  You are so into the swinger thing at that hotel you work for.  I am not done.  I am just piling up evidence on how much a fraud she is.  I'll write an entry about it.  Just wait.  Once I get all of my evidence together I'm ending this story by running her into the wall.

Dippy:  Isn't that last line from a Geico chimerical?  Anyways, Florida is the team in the SEC East that nobody is talking much about.  Everybody is focused on the Georgia Bulldogs and their run towards a possible national title shot.  Meanwhile, Florida has simply reloaded and still has their top quarterback, running back, and wide receiver on offense.  They have a huge chip on their shoulder for having a down year last year.  They are #4 right behind Georgia and they have played better than Georgia all year.  They will wipe the floor with Tennessee even though the game is in Knoxville.

Fox:  I have to say that you are right about Florida.  They have been impressive all year.  They have had those style points that Georgia has lacked.  This is their first SEC test, in Knoxsvillle, but I am sure that Urban Meyer is telling his team that they aren't getting enough respect.  That no one thinks they are as good as Georgia and on and on.  They want so badly to do better than last year.  This game in Tennessee will be a showcase for them to show everyone that they are a very very good team.  Take Florida.

LSU at Auburn (+2.5)

Fox:  You know.  I can't let go of this Sarah Palin thing.  I just can not believe that people are being so snowed by her.  Doesn't anyone see out there that she is a fake.  That she is not what she is making herself out to be?  She is a former beauty queen.  They are trained to act like someone they are not.  Add the fact that she is a politician and it's a hundred times worse.  I guess I have to save the rest for another post, but just listening to her pisses me off.  This is going to be an interesting game.  This will be a huge test for both teams.  I am worried that Auburn doesn't have an offense.  They won their last game 3-2 in a game they should have won by two touchdowns.  They have a stellar defense that will keep matters close.  However, LSU is really that good.  They are the better team overall.  They will win by at least three points even though they will be at Auburn.  I just don't think they're going to score enough against the Tigers defense.

Dippy:  I am sorry that you are so against Sarah Palin.  I think she's hot with those glasses.  Her voice makes her hotter.  Really.  It does.  

Fox:  Well, wear a rubber next time.

Dippy:  I'll try.  So in this game I believe in the opposite.  I am not sold on LSU.  I think that they are over-rated.  I don't believe that their offense has enough weapons on the field.  Their defense is not as strong as last year.  I think that Auburn will win this game, at home, in a close game.   I am taking Auburn.

Georgia at Arizona State (-7)

Fox:  Georgia slipped another slot in the polls even though they avenged last years loss to South Carolina by a touchdown in South Carolina.   This might be the last "easy" game they will have until they hit Georgia Tech at the end of the regular season.  Georgia is trying to get their wheels rolling.  They have a lot to prove on Saturday night in front of a large cable audience.  They are getting tired of the snubs.  They will get some style points against an over-rated ASU team.  Take Georgia by at least the same number of points as Sarah Palin's dress size.

Dippy:  Palin's dress size?  What are saying?  That her dress size is higher than seven?  That's pretty low.  Don't go down to the lowest denominator with jumping on her weight.  Stick to the issues.  

Fox:  That is the whole point.  No one is looking at Palin's issues.  They are not looking at what she really stands for.  Does she stand for her economic record in Alaska?  Or does she subscribe to McCain's message that is as clear as the fluid in Britney Spear's augmented breasts?  That is my whole point.  Look at what she stands for.  Look at what she has done not what she is saying she will do.  Best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.  Simple as that.  

Dippy:  Well, we have to finish this post before we get nailed by the Secret Service.  This is Georgia's moment.  They have an Arizona State team that is completely over-rated.  No one ranked legitimately in the Top 20 should lose to UNLV under any circumstances.  Ever.  Georgia will kill them.  Take the Dawgs.

Dippy

Last week:   4-5-1

Overall:        9-9-2

Fox

Last week:    7-2-1

Overall:        10-8-2

I Am Not Worried...About The Ranking

On Sunday, as I was hoping that somehow everyone favorite statutory rapist Matt Leinart would get into the game against Miami, Georgia's football team ended up dropping again after a win in the polls.  I tried to remember if this has ever happened this early in the season.  I couldn't recall.  I couldn't recall a time where the #1 team drops to #2 after a win.  This week it was from #2 to #3 after #1 USC rolled OSU (over-rated) and then #3 Oklahoma won by 41 to leap frog Georgia.  What did Georgia do this past weekend?  They played their first conference game in South Carolina and won 14-7.  Sure, it was not a stellar game in which they scored 40 points and won by four touchdowns.  It was an ugly win.  Still, it was a win.  In conference against a team that beat them last year on the road on national TV.  Las Vegas expected Georgia to win by seven.  They won by seven.  They just did not get any style points.  In the world of the internet, insipid blogs (like this one), and style over substance teams have to win by huge numbers to get the votes.  And it works.  It worked for USC in the first week and it worked for Oklahoma in week 3.  Georgia got style points in week 2 and they kept their ranking.  I have always been a firm believer that you should not lose your ranking if you keep winning.  Keep winning and you keep your ranking.  However, the rest of the world is in the same hot tub with Leinart and Tony Romo drinking Zimas through a bong.  It does not matter if you just win.  It's not enough.  You have to go Grand Theft Auto on a team and get noticed and you get the credit.  

In the end, am I really worried about being #3 in mid-September?

No.  I am not.  It does not matter if Georgia is #3 now.  It matters whether or not they will be #2 or #1 in mid-December.  So now, I am not worried about where Georgia is ranked.

What am I worried about besides whether Bank of America and Microsoft end up owning every company in the US in the next week or that Ron Mexico will get out of prison and his rights still being owned by the Falcons?   

I am worried about the schedule.   Georgia's schedule.  I knew going into the season that the schedule was going to be very tough.  Tougher than Jessica Simpson's face after taking off her make-up.  Tonight I looked at it again.  And almost dropped my Frosted Flakes mixed with Coors Light on the floor.   This is what I saw:

9/20   at Arizona State

9/27    vs #9 Alabama

10/11   vs  Tennessee

10/18   vs  Vanderbilt

10/25   at  #6 LSU

11/1    vs  #4 Florida (in Jacksonville, armpit of the world)

11/8    at Kentucky

11/15  at #10 Auburn

11/29  vs  Georgia Tech

There is no easy game on the schedule.  Every team is capable of being Georgia on any given afternoon.  But FOUR top ten teams?   Three in less than a month?  LSU, Florida, and Auburn all being road games?  What happens if Georgia wins the SEC East?  Well, probably another game against a top ten school (Auburn, Alabama, and LSU are all SEC West teams).   Georgia may not win any style points against this run of killer squads with killer talent, but at least they will have earned their wins.  They will have played the toughest schedule in the country.  The only schools that compare to this schedule...are other SEC schools.  USC's highest ranked opponent on their schedule from here out is ranked #17 and there are no other ranked teams on the docket.  They even get to play the two best teams in the state of Washington--Washington State (0-3) and Washington (0-3).  Oklahoma has three teams ranked in the top 20 left on their schedule, but all at home.  If Georgia survives with one loss then their ranking should take care of itself.   Winning against a schedule playing five games against top ten teams (if one includes the SEC title game) with only one loss should guarantee them a shot at the BCS title.  In this case, winning will take care of their ranking.  Once strength of schedule is factored into the mix there is no contest....Georgia just can't lose to trap games to Vanderbilt or Tennessee (again).

Now, you will need to excuse me I need to drive to my step-daughter's school (now owned by Bank of America), using my car (owned by Bank of America), and come back to my house (owned by Exxon/Mobile a new subsidiary of Bank of America).

Your Weekend Football Picks

Dippy and I are back to make our football picks for the whole weekend.  Dippy has to work tomorrow at a kid's birthday party somewhere near Hampton's skid row district.  I am spending the weekend hiding from my wife.  We decided that we were going to do both Saturday and Sunday on the same post this time.  So here goes.

Auburn (-10) at Mississippi State

Fox:  I heard today that there was a gas panic and people are running around all over the place trying to gas before we all run out and turn the planet into "Planet of the Apes" or something.  I thought nothing of it and realized as I was driving by the gas station by my house that gas had gone up 33 cents in the last eight hours.   All because somebody was stupid enough to allow a hurricane to be named after Ike Turner who is now dead and coming back to fuck us all up.  

Dippy:  Are you going to pick this game?

Fox:  I don't even know why I chose this game at all.  I don't know anything about either team except that Auburn is always better than people think and Mississippi State is in the second tier of the SEC.  I am taking Auburn because they are Auburn and MSU is really MSU.

Dippy:  Auburn is over rated this year.  Trust me they are.  MSU is slowly becoming a solid team.  Not quite good enough to knock off Tennessee or anything, but they are better than people think.  Really.  I think Auburn will win, but MSU will keep it close at home.  Take MSU.

Georgia Tech at Virginia Tech (-6.5)

Fox: Some of my friends who are VT graduates are headed to this game in Blacksburg, Virginia.  I am hoping that Virginia Tech is not as bad as they looked against ECU.  Their starting quarterback in the ECU game has got feet like Peyton Manning.  They un-redshirted their more mobile quarterback.  I am not a VT fan by any stretch, but if you are going to go to a game you hope your team wins.  However, the Hokies are not on the same level this year than in past years.  This is going to be a down year overall for them as they take the chance to reload.  The spread is too high so I am taking Georgia Tech.

Dippy:  You have this all backwards.  Just like your priorities.  You must be stoned or something.  It's Georgia Tech that is not very good.  They are below dog biscuits.  They will be punished for being stupid enough to travel from Atlanta to Virginia.  Take Virginia Tech big time in this one.  By the way, Fox, have you seen that new vampire TV show on HBO, "True Blood"?

Fox:  Am I the only person in the US that thinks that TV shows about vampires walking amongst us is utterly stupid and anyone who watches this stuff has mashed potatoes for brains?  No, I have not watched that show and I hope that I never will.  I did notice that the blond chick has a huge gap in her teeth which puts her in the gap teeth hall of fame with Strahan and Letterman.   

Dippy:  Ehhh....

Fox:  Stop it.  I knew it would take too long to start that mess up again.  I am not getting you a towel.  Last time I did that I had to throw away my favorite t-shirt because it had your blood all over it.  I got drunk just on being exposed to your blood alone.

Virginia at UConn (-10.5)

Fox:  It is hard to imagine that UVA could play any worse than they did against USC.  Even Richmond gave them trouble in Charlottesville.  UConn is developing a strong football program.  They are not there yet but they will be something to reckon with.  UVA barely beat them the last time these two matched up.  UVA is in full blown rebuilding mode and their head coach can not complete a sentence.  Take UConn.

Dippy:  You know.  I hate both these schools.  I hate UConn because of Coach Calhoun and Coach Gino.  I know they are basketball coached, but the the basketball program is the program at UConn, not football.  Both coaches are pompous ego-maniacal blow hards.  They have offices right next to each and even they can stand the other to the point that they do not even talk to each other.  I am sure that Coach Gino has sexually harassed someone on his team.  I am sure of it.  He's the biggest asshole in college sports.  And that is saying something in a world where you have Saban, Spurrier, Bowden (all of them), Holtz, Knight, Vitale, Coach K, and anyone with the last name Williams.  

Fox:  Your pick?  

Dippy:  Shut up, Fox.  You're just like Gino.  You sexually harass everyone.  I see what you do.  I see how you operate.  You are sick.  You are like Christian Bale in American Psycho.  Anyways, I am taking UVA just to spite you and every other dope that has anything to do with UConn.   Just saying UConn is just right.  It means "you" are "conned."  Isn't the football coach of Kansas the fatest football coach ever?

Fox:  He's close to that guy who coaches Maryland.

Ohio State at USC (-11)

Dippy:  Speaking of USC and asshole coaches.  We have Pete Carroll who is a smug looking worm of a man.  

Fox:  What did he ever do to you?

Dippy:  No, it's not a matter f what he did to me.  It is what he did to everyone.  Carroll is a hamster.  Just look at him.  He is a loan shark dressed up as a football coach.  He's also a bad coach.  He is so over-rated as a coach.  How is it that USC kills out of conference opponents during the regular season and then blows it against Stanford when favored by 200 points?  How does that work?  It's coaching.  USC is a pro team.  They are like the Colts.  Big games they shouldn't lose.  They lose.  They lose games when favored by a million.  It is all because Coach Carroll runs his team like the Cowboys in the 1990s.  The only team that blows big games worse, but against non-conference opponents is Ohio State.  Their depth was the only thing standing between them and a major upset last week.  Wells is not going to be in the game so USC should run them over.

Fox:  Why is this game named "Collision at the Coliseum?"  It should not even have a name.  This game does not deserve to have a name.   Is this game so uninteresting that they had to give it some stupid name to make more important than it really is.  Should it not just stand on it's own.  USC is #1 (over-rated).  Ohio State is #5 (over-rated).  That should be it.  USC will win big anyways.  Name or no name.

Georgia (-7) at South Carolina

Fox:  I am so nervous about this game.  Last year in Georgia's first SEC game, at home, they lost 16-12 to an unranked South Carolina team.  I am hoping that they will remember that it was this game that kept them from being considered for the BCS Championship game.   This time South Carolina is ranked, which means nothing, and they are playing in Columbia.  This game is tougher than it looks.  Last week, I made a slip by saying that last week they were preparing last week to go to Arizona State and inadvertently skipping that there was a game in between.  Hopefully, the bad karma will not get me this time.  I am not worried about the offense in this game, but I am worried about the defense.  They have given up too many points from teams that should not be able to score against them.  They have given up too many yards and bent too much.  Now they get South Carolina who always find a way to play tough against a supposedly superior team.  I think that despite this Richt will get the best out of his players and win by at least ten.  Take Georgia.  

Dippy:  I am watching Anderson Cooper live from Texas awaiting Ike Turner to slam into Houston.  I don't know what to make of Anderson Cooper except that I think he plays with toy soldiers and small rodents in the bath tub listening to old Fleetwood Mac records.  I don't know.  I am hoping that Hurricane Ike Turner does not end up doing coke off a kitchen table and get really crazy slamming into Galveston.

Fox:  You should know about small rodents and Fleetwood Mac records.   You have done more coke than both Stevie Nicks and Tyler combined.  

Dippy:  I have a razor and I know how to use it.  

Fox:  Ooooooo...I am scared.

Dippy:  (Swinging razor)  Eh...I'll cut you.  I'll cut you like your first wife at your divorce hearing.

Fox:  Stop.

Dippy:  Anyways.  Georgia is incredibly under-rated.  Mark Richt is under-rated.  Moreno will get hurt like Tom Brady.  Take the Cock.  I mean.  Cocks.

New Orleans (-1) at Washington

Dippy:  The Redskins have taken on more guys than Sarah Palin and Jessica Simpson combined.  They are simply awful.  They can't stop anyone and they definitely can't score...just like Matt Leinart with girls his own age.   So the Redskins are going to get smashed by a resurgent Saints team.  You can't put lipstick on one of those guys in the stands in DC dressed as a hog and hope that it's going to work out any better.  Jason Campbell will end up like Vince Young after this game.  Take the Saints.

Fox:  I have to agree.  I was so disappointed in the Redskins against New York.  They could not even run the ball with two good running backs.  One of their best O-line guys was standing on the bench pacing like Ike Turner during a coke binge...or Jessica Simpson on a binge of Cheetos and Mountain Dew.  The Saints actually should have done better against Tampa.  Tampa is not that good.  Either way, take the Saints.

New England at NY Jets (-1)

Dippy:  So is there a moratorium on jumping on Brady now that he has two torn ligaments?   

Fox:  It depends.  He has to lie low for the next year.  No over the top story lines.  He has to stay out of the media spotlight.  I don't want him to be on any magazine covers.  No stories about him getting comfort sex.  No stories about him on crutches on the sidelines distraught that he can't play.  Nothing.  He has to stay down.  If he does, I'll leave him alone.  If not, then I am going after him.  Like a spider to a cat.   Like a cat to a milk dud.  

Dippy:  Have you decided who your target will be now?

Fox:  After much discussion, I am going with Tony Romo, the Cowboys, and Matt Leinart.  You'll see why this season.  My pick in this game is actually the Patriots.  The Evil Empire always finds a way to win.  They will pull it together to beat the over-rated Jets.  The Patriots will do anything to make sure they win.  They'll hold Brett's wife for ransom if they have to.  The Jets are the bitter enemy now of Darth Hoodie.   Darth Hoodie will do everything to destroy New York.  It does not matter whether or not he has the Random Impregnator playing under the center or not.  The Patriots will win.

Dippy:  Your hero, Bill Simmons, has been moaning in two columns how the Patriots season is over and that karma is getting it's revenge on the Patriots killing everyone repeatedly last year by running up the score late in the fourth quarter and then blaming the victim...just like Tony Romo.  In this case, Brett Favre will prove to the world why the Packers did not want him anymore by throwing up lobs that end up being picked off instead of falling into the receivers hands like last week.  He'll sling balls straight into blue and white shirts like he did in his last throw to the Giants.  The Patriots will win because the Jets will give it to them to win.

Green Bay (-3) at Detroit

Dippy:  How does Millen still have a job in Detroit?

Fox:  Because nobody is left in Detroit to notice how bad he is.  The Lions organization and the Ford Motor Company are on the same level of slime and ineptness.  It is so sad that a once proud franchise that is so incredibly bad now.  The Raiders are like this now.  The 49ers as well.  All proud franchises who are being run into the ground, burned into ash and then thrown into the river being polluted by one of McCain's oil companies that he does not remember he owns.  Take the Packers.

Dippy:  I am also taking the Packers mainly because I like Aaron Rodgers.  I hope that he does well under the enormous pressure that he is under.  He did fairly well at home against the Vikings.  He should feel a little more relaxed in a visitor stadium.  I wonder how he feels when he still sees fans in Favre gear in the stands?

Philadelphia at Dallas (-7)

Fox:  A friend of mine said that the Cowboys now are like the Raiders of the 70s where they take on any malcontent that becomes available.  They have a guy who makes it rain and shoots up people, a guy that runs guns, a wide receiver that called out his quarterbacks sexual orientation, and a quarterback who instead of preparing for the most important game in his life was in Mexico with his anexoric girl-friend with an insane father who made her that messed up in the first place.  My issue with Romo is that I question his dedication.  I question his competitiveness.  Does he really want to make the sacrifices necessary to win the Super Bowl.  I have to say this about Brady.  Brady is a competitor.  He does what it takes to win.  Same with Payton Manning at this point in his career.  Romo acts like a fourteen year old kid with good dimples and a mole that keeps wanting to talk to us (thanks, K47, I hope you write an entry soon).  Same with Matt Leinart.  He does not have the heart to do what he needs to do to take things to the next level.  He is drunk on the field and gets caught in a hot tub with fourteen year old girls sucking on his beer bong.  What a leader!!  I think in this game that the Eagles are under-rated and the Cowboys on the verge of imploding if things start going the wrong way.  I am actually taking the Eagles.

Dippy:  There is a reason that you went 3-6-1 in your picks last week and I went 5-4-1.  It's because you are an idiot.  You are on the same cognitive level as Matt Leinart.  The Cowboys are a very very good team and it's the Eagles who are on the verge of imploding.  The Cowboys should roll by two touchdowns.

Atlanta at Tampa Bay (-9)

Fox:  I am tempted to take the Falcons in this game because the line is too high.  I am never convinced that Tampa is that good and the Falcons have a new attitude.  However, I am taking Tampa.  They are playing at home where it will be 400 degrees.  They have better consistent play.  The Falcons defense is not good against the pass and the Bucs will exploit them even with a low level quarterback.  The Bucs defense is ten times better than Detroit.  Matt Ryan will have to try to win the game and he can't do it right now.  I am taking Tampa.

Dippy:  It's your team and you don't believe in them.  You are pathetic.  The Falcons are for real, man.  They are better than anyone thinks.  They have attitude and even if they lose they will make Tampa work for it.  So take Atlanta.

Now That Brady Is Hurt, Who Do I Target Now?

Eight minutes into the season my favorite quarterback in the NFL, Tom Brady, went down with a left ACL tear that ended his season.  The jury is out whether or not it ends the Patriots season since they are the Evil Empire of the NFL and who knows what kind of unethical trick that they will  pull to remain in the thick of things.  The Colts, Chargers, Steelers, Jags, and maybe the Broncos now have reason to be hopeful.  Many people have stated that the Brady injury is bad for the league.  I totally disagree.  Now the season is more interesting and intriguing.  It is now no longer a given that the Patriots will win 12 to 15 games this year and being the number one seed in the AFC.  Some other team, maybe the Jets or the Bills, actually has a chance to win the division or at least be in the play-offs.  I am very interested in seeing how this all works itself out in the long run.

However, for me (and I am completely selfish), I am not as hopeful for the season as a wayward degenerate on-line sports gambler (I was 56% this weekend betting on everything from baseball to the CFL) blog writer.

I started this blog in December of last year.  Tom Brady was and is my favorite punching bag.  Not using protection, knocking up a pretty actress, dumping the pregnant actress, date another pretty underwear model all food for the machine that is this blog.  Now, he is gone.  For the season.  I was hoping to have the entire season to rain written haymakers at Brady.  I was planning to be openly critical of every single move he made on the field and even more so off the field.  I was ready.  Everyday I was ready to jab Brady with witty barbs about condoms, razors, gerbils, and edible underwear in bath houses in Boston.  I was really looking forward to it.  Now, it makes no sense.  He's not on the field.  He's hurt and gone for the season.  He is not on the front page as a target for my venom.  He will be irrelevant this season.  And that is the worst shot of all.  He will not be in the harshest public eye that he craves.  He will not be sought by reporters after every game which is what he needs as badly as he needs a cafe latte with skim goat milk from a Starbucks that he can walk to in a designer sweater made in a sweatshop in Thailand.  The whole point of writing disturbing blog posts about how Brady loves gerbils and garden hoses is predicated on the fact that he gets so much attention.  Now, he's out of the spotlight.  That hurts him the hardest and it hurts me because my target is gone.  I have to now find another target.  I always have to have a target.  In baseball it was Barry Zito and Andruw Jones for being horrible underachievers when you look at how much they are getting paid.  So who is going to be now?  Who can I target?   

It seems that Vince Young could be a nice target.  He wimped out of the first game of the year at home because he was being booed by the home fans for playing horribly that he did not want to enter the game at one point, faked an injury, and then went out and got hurt for real.  That makes for a great target...until the Titans called the police because he couldn't be found at home last night and they feared for his mental health.  When your employer calls the police because they are afraid that you are so emotionally fragile that you are teetering on the edge then your career with that employer is over.  Employers never want to deal with that mess no matter how concerned they seem.  Trust me.  It is for these reasons that make Young off limits for me.  I can't in good conscience go after him.

What about Brett Favre?  He is now a verb for unretiring within three months of retiring.  He plays for the Jets.  Problem is that he played pretty well in his first game and didn't cost them the game...however, it was the Jets.  Unless he completely falls apart there is no point in making him a blog target.  Unless he cheats on his wife with Sarah Palin.  

What about Ocho Cinco?  Too easy.  He is so ridiculous that even I can't top how ridiculous he is because he does it so well on his own.

What about the Raiders?   Too easy.  Al Davis is probably dead and they are propping him up to be seen like El Cid or the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie's.  That team is the biggest train wreck right now.  They played miserably last night as they were getting blown out by Denver.  Maybe they need to move again...to Las Vegas.

Tony Romo?  That might be the ticket.  He's handsome.  Dates an blond airhead.  Plays quarterback for the highest profile team in the league.  Wears his hats backwards trying to be a cool fourteen year kid. However, I can't think of what to blast him on.  Does anyone out there have any ideas?  The long and short of it is that I need a new NFL target to mercilessly blast every week.  Please send me your ideas.  I know that there has to be many to choose from out there, but I can't figure it out as I am in mourning that I can't rag on Brady for the rest of the season.  Help!!!

Too Good To Be True?

As the Falcons went ahead of the Detroit Lions 21-0 late in the first quarter, I was thinking like any true Atlanta sports fan that this was way too good to be true.  Matt Ryan's first pass in the NFL goes for a 62 yard touchdown to Michael Jenkins.   Michael Turner gets two touchdown runs of 66 and 5 yards respectively.  All in the first quarter.  I thought to myself that there were still three quarters left and this is too good to be true.  The Falcons will get punched back in the mouth and taste their own blood and that will be the end of it.

As I expected, and probably by many others as well, the Lions stopped trying to run the ball and went to the passing game and scored 14 in the second quarter to make the game interesting. However, something unexpected happened....

The Falcons held on.  They did not crawl into a shell in a bunker.  They continued to fight and battle.  They did not fall into the old pattern of "Oh no.  Here we go again" which would have led this psychologically fragile team to get run out of the building the rest of the way.  That would have happened last year and the year before and the year before etc. etc.  It did not happen.  The Falcons actually executed their game plan almost perfectly.  The Lions were hoping to put the Falcons in the position to put the game into Ryan's hands and then blitz and confuse him to the point that he would make typical rookie mistakes.  This would have led to the Lions taking apart a loose secondary with home town hero Calvin Johnson.  It did not happen.  Well, maybe the Calvin Johnson part, but there was no way around that as the Lions played from 10 to 17 points behind for the second half.   The end result was a shocking 34-21 victory.

Coach Mike Smith promised a tougher team.  We got it.  We saw it.  We saw an offensive line with attitude that led to a stunning 318 yards rushing.  Michael Turner got 220 of those yards.  Norwood "chipped" in with 96 of his own.  It takes toughness to pile up all of those yards.  Yes, I know that a few years ago the Falcons led the league in rushing.  However, that is when they had Ron Mexico at quarterback whose only consistent ability was to run the ball (as well as giving out pot and STDs) and utilizing a finesse runner in Warrick Dunn.  In this game, the Falcons pounded the Lions into submission.  By the mid way in the fourth quarter the Lions had given up under the intimidation.  And it was intimidation.  The Falcons pushed the Lions defense all over the field.  This was a show of grit and toughness that has not been seen in an Atlanta football team in a while.  This offensive toughness allowed Matt Ryan to not have to win the game.  This allowed him to get his feet wet.  He completed only nine passes (out of 13 for 161 yards), but he threw no interceptions.  He only threw maybe two bad passes.  He did not try to force things.  For a rookie QB, this was excellent.

The defense held the Lions to 62 yards on the ground, which was a strong showing by a defense that did not stop anyone on the ground last year.  The Falcons held the Lions to 3.o yards a carry during the game.  This is more than respectable.  In contrast, the Falcons averaged 7.8 yards a rush on offense.

The pass defense had to hold up under the pressure of Jon Kitna.  OK, I am being overly dramatic.  Kitna is not Tom Brady (who had to leave the game against Kansas City with a left knee injury that some are calling season-ending...Geez...I don't like the guy, but I don't want him hurt...I just want him to lose), but the Lions had to resort to throwing the ball around early.  They managed to exploit some key mis-matches in the secondary.  The Falcons held the Lions when it counted the most.  I hope that the secondary can shore up the holes, however, the personnel will not allow for that this year.  

All in all, I was shocked at the performance.  I witnessed a team that was big on toughness.  Both physical and mental.  This is what Coach Smith was brought in for.  He has preached physical and psychological toughness.  His practices emphasize this over and over again.  At least in the first game the message has been sent.  We may be short on talent.  We may not be faster or stronger.  But, we will be tough.  We will fight you until the end.  We won't pack it in.  If this message is the true message that we see for the rest of the season, then for this year, it will be enough for me.  I just hope that today was not a fluke.  It was the Lions, you know.

Your Pro Football Picks With Dippy...And Fox, Too

As Dippy and I almost choked on our tongues watching Ohio State completely look ahead to next week and their match-up with USC and was actually trailing going into the fourth quarter to Ohio, we took the time to come up with our pro picks for Sunday.

Kansas City at New England (-15)
Fox: The first week of the NFL season is a hard one to pick because you aren't sure what you are going to get from certain teams. A prime example is New England. Is Tom Brady's foot amputated? Is he now stuck with a STD? Has he blown all his cash on HGH? Who knows? The Pats may have the Super Bowl Loser Blues (every other team has had this in the last five years), but they are the least likely to experience it. Coach Hoodie will not allow it to happen. He'll kill off some referees if necessary. New England will make a statement against a horrible KC team. Take the Pats.
Dippy: The line is way too high. Take KC. Fox, I really think you need to get over your hatred for Tom Brady. Didn't you actually buy a Patriots hat this summer?
Fox: What? You must be off the wagon.

Arizona (-1) at San Francisco
Fox: Has this O'Sullivan guy actually started a real NFL game before? I am not sure. I don't trust a first time starter in the first game of the year ever. Arizona is not a good team, but the 49ers are worse. It does not matter if the game is in San Francisco. Take Arizona.
Dippy: I would really be off the wagon if I picked San Fran in this game. There will be an office pool somewhere where people in the Bay Area will get to pick which Bay Area team will win more games: Cal, Stanford, Raiders, or 49ers. My money is on Cal. Arizona should win in San Francisco.

Dallas (-5.5) at Cleveland
Fox: This looks like a sucker bet. Cleveland's stock has been falling all pre-season. Dallas is absolutely loaded. It looks like a mis-match. Dallas is only favored by 5 1/2 at Cleveland. This is harder than it should be. Derek Anderson faded in the last two months of the season last year. He is over rated. The Browns defense is as terrible as they look. Take Dallas. Is there a pool on how long it will take for Pac-Man to get arrested again now that he is reinstated. This should be somewhere. I'd go for eight weeks.
Dippy: I'd go for twelve. I don't know about this one either. I think that Cleveland will do better than you think. The pre-season is nothing when it comes to a predictor of the regular season. Just look at the Redskins...er...ok. Well, I am still taking the Browns.

Carolina at San Diego (-9.5)
Dippy: Fox, you used to live in Charlotte. You were there in the dark days of Rae Carruth. That must have been fun when they were going 1-15 and Carruth was on trial. The Panthers rebounded in 2002 and have not been the same since. The window has closed on Carolina and John Fox. Steve Smith is suspended for pounding one of his teammates into the ground..again. Jake is coming off Tommy John surgery. The Panthers are a shell of themselves. San Diego will run a circle around a listless Panther team.
Fox: Yes, I lived in Charlotte and I wish I was still there. I was there for the whole Rae Carruth thing. That is when Charlotte joined the big time when a city's sports athletes become police blotter material. Sex, drugs, and money were the factors in that case. Carruth is still in prison. Ron Mexico is getting out way before he ever will. I initially thought that this line was too high. However, San Diego is at home. Jake is coming off Tommy John. No Steve Smith and an aging defense that is hanging on like a gerbil in a dishwasher. Take San Diego

Detroit (-3) at Atlanta
Fox: The Falcons will not be favored to win any game this year. They will likely be 1-15 or 2-14. This will be one of the worst seasons in Atlanta history which is saying an awful lot. I survived the Gerald Riggs era. This is a new era. Of what I am not sure. I'll let everyone know in a few years. This is Matt Ryan's first game and I never pick a rookie quarterback in playing in his first game. John Elway was torn apart in his first game in Pittsburgh and Ryan is not Elway. This will be a bloodbath of a season and it is too bad that the Falcons get Detroit in the first game because later in the year they would have more of a chance. Tomorrow the Falcons don't have a chance to win. Take Detroit.
Dippy: I don't think that the Falcons will be as bad as you think, Fox. Coach Smith is creating a defense with a nasty attitude. They are going to play aggressive on defense and they will try to physically punish opponents. This is the only way they can win because they aren't going to score many points. However, I would not be surprised if the Falcons defense makes a name for themselves this season. They may not win, but teams will have to fight for their lives in many games to be able to avoid an embarrassing loss. I am taking Detroit because the point spread is just low enough to be worth the risk.

Your College Football Picks With Fox and Dippy

Dippy has been released by his kidnapper in mostly one piece.  He desperately needs a debriefing and detox, but otherwise he is great.  He returned to work at the Virginia Beach Wyndham hotel just in time for the Tropical Storm Hanna swingers party tonight.  That party has got to last a few days.  Before he left for the beach we sat down and picked five college games.

West Virginia (-7) at East Carolina

Fox:  These games really suck this week.  This is lowest spread I could find of teams that people would be familiar with.   WVU killed Villanova, they'll have to settle it for good on the basketball court, and East Carolina got a late blocked punt against Virginia Tech of all teams to get a punt block off of.  I wonder what effect the weather will be for this game.  Either way WVU should win by about ten.  

Dippy:  Fox, you are so stupid.  I can not believe how stupid this pick is.  East Carolina is much better than you think.  WVU is on a downward spiral, which is what their fans deserve for what they did with their fink of a former coach when he ran off to Michigan.  You can not count out any of the Holtz family in a game.  WVU might win, but I am taking East Carolina in this one.

Ohio at Ohio State (-33)

Dippy: Ohio State is the best team in college ball, but only in the regular season.  Typically, I don't ever go for a spread this high.  In this case, Ohio State is likely to win by around 40.  They are that good.  They are monsters.  They'll knock 'em into next week, Rock.  They don't have a chance.

Fox:  OK, calm down.  The point spread is way high.  It does not matter.  Ohio State is underrated for a change.  I'm taking OSU.

Georgia Tech at Boston College (-6.5)

Fox:  I don't know anything about these two teams.  I only selected this game because Georgia Tech is in Atlanta.  I hate both of these teams with a passion.  BC does not belong in the ACC.  They should have stayed in the Big East.  Georgia Tech is going to be somewhere north of putrid this year.  I am taking Boston College out of principal.  

Dippy:  You should never ever bet with your heart.  It fucks you every time.  It's like going after the woman you know is dangerous but she makes your heart skip too many beats.  I know, Fox, that there is someone at work that you know is completely dangerous for you, but you are totally attracted to her despite the fact that she is so incredibly dangerous.  I know you.  It's true.  You haven't changed your ways.  You are attracted to dangerous women.  Always at work.  What's wrong with you.

Fox:  Is this you sober?  I am not sure I like this.  

Dippy:  Am I right, asshole?

Fox:  Of course you are right.  Your pick?

Dippy:  Dumb ass.  I am taking Tech just to screw with you.  

Miami (Fla.) at Florida (-23)

Fox:  A few years ago this would have been a great game.  The point spread looks real high even though I think Florida is underrated.  I am taking the Gators.  They should crush Miami.

Dippy:  Point spread is too high.  This is an in-state game.  Tensions will be high.  Miami will play over their heads and they'll find a way to keep it close.   Take Miami.

Central Michigan at Georgia (-24)

Dippy:  Here we go.  Again, with Georgia.  Georgia this.  Georgia that.  I can't stand it.   Georgia should be ashamed of themselves for giving up 21 against Georgia Southern.  They were and I say were the number one team in the country going against a I-AA school.  Automatically they should have scored at least 50 and won by at least four touchdowns.  Now they get a I-A school in Central Michigan who is being paid six figures to show up to get killed and even though I hate myself for saying this, I know Georgia will prove something by wiping this team out by at least 28.  I am taking Georgia....eeehhh....ehhh.

Fox:  I thought you were not going to do that anymore.   Just give me the razor.   Geez.  What's with you?  No, and I am not getting you a towel.  Get your own towel.  Richt was so pissed after the game last Saturday that he put the Dawgs through killer practices this week.  He pushed the fundamentals and conditioning this week and it will show on Saturday.  They should win by 35.  Take the Dawgs in this prep game for their trip out to Arizona State.

My Letter To Kidnapper 47

Dear Kidnapper 47,

I'll try to be brief.  I would like to thank you for showing some humanity and releasing Dippy pretty much in one piece.  Except for the blood soaked towel, but that is normal for him.  Dippy is likely in need of detox due to large amount of drugs he has been taking, but again that is normal for him.  Anyways he and I will need to debrief his whole experience of being held hostage.  It was your demand for me to switch my allegiance from Atlanta sports to Washington sports.  I refused to give in to such terrorist tactics.  I have refused to switch over and give in despite the threats of Dippy being sent back in 47 Zip-Loc baggies.  You respected my devotion.  It apparently appealed to your devotion to Washington sports.  The FBI did not believe that Dippy was still alive.  Does the FBI ever get anything right?  I thought that Dippy was doomed either way so it really did not matter what I did.  So I chose my heart.  I like Washington, DC as a city.  It's a pretty good place to live if you ignore the street violence, bad schools, horrible traffic, high priced call girls, and a penchant for mayors to be caught smoking crack in hotel rooms.  They have respectable sports teams (if you take out the Nationals who are sadly putrid and the baseball fans deserve better) that make the play-offs.  The Caps, Wizards, DC United, and Redskins all made the play-offs last year.  That is a lot to cheer for.  I like those teams.  However, I don't love them.  I hope they do well.  I'll pull for them. However, when the chips are down I love Atlanta and it's desperate and destitute sports franchises.  I believe that you like as many teams as you want, but I do believe that you have to have a favorite and you stick with them no matter what.  Despite the fact I could make the argument that the owners have screwed the fans in Atlanta so much that you are forced into a divorce I am sticking with Atlanta hoping that some day I will be rewarded for such twisted loyalty.

As I sit in a rat infested hotel in Richmond, Virginia blocks from skid row transvestite prostitutes selling pirated copies of Star Wars: The Clone Wars for cocaine, I am feeling bad for you.  Why you ask?  I finished watching your Redskins look absolutely awful playing on national TV in their first game against the Giants.  I suspected that Jason Campbell and the offense would take awhile to get into the rhythm of the West Coast offense, but I was hoping for better than what was on display in New Jersey.  Campbell looked like a rookie.  There was no run game even with two quality running backs.  Receivers dropped balls and couldn't keep from getting off-sides.  The defense got shell shocked early and then pulled it together enough to not get blown out of the building.  The Giants got sixteen.  I figured that if the Giants got more than 14 then the Redskins would lose by at least four.  I was left wondering:  Are the Redskins that bad or the Giants that good?  I think the Redskins offense was bad.  The Giants overall were very good.  I expected a little more than 7 points from the offense.  Don't they have training camp and four (oh, the Redskins had five) pre season games to work on this mess?  Oh well, the Redskins will likely get at least six more wins than the Falcons this year.  I am picking Atlanta to be 1-15, by the way.  At least, the Redskins don't have to sell off tickets at huge discounts for their home opener so that the game won't get blacked out on TV.  If your home opener gets blacked out on TV then your team should be relegated to the CFL.

I would like to offer you the chance to be a frequent contributor to this post.  I know I shouldn't give you anything because you committed a felony offense that carries more prison time than what Ron Mexico got, but I would like a new voice on this blog to choose mine.  So I invite you to post on this blog or at least to submit posts that I will publish for you.  Just let me know.  Thanks for taking care of Dippy for the last month even though he was against his will, but reading the transcript it does not look like that he knew what was going on anyways.

Fox        

DIPPY IS FREE TO GO: A LETTER TO FOX

Dear Fox:

 I have decided to let Dippy go home, back to the warm waters and bear costume-scorching sun of Virginia Beach.  I have been contemplating giving Dippy back to you for a couple of reasons:

1)      The 47-3 drubbing the Washington Redskins suffered at the hands of the Panthers on Saturday has vastly dimmed the optimism I have recently had for their success this year.  Watching this “dress rehearsal for the regular season” was extremely disconcerting and tortuous, sort of like having an old fling...(CENSORED BY FOX)

2)      Ever since I accosted Dippy, your recent blogs have been rather pedantic, lacking their usual flair that comes from having Dippy by your side to give his commentary on a variety of subjects.  I am returning him to you in hopes that there will be future conversations between you two jaded lost souls for people in every continent to enjoy.

Additionally, I have read your latest blog, in which you seem to continue to desperately cling to your love for Atlanta sports.  I agree with you: the Falcons won’t be good for several years; the Braves’ 14-year run is a distant past; the Hawks will continue to lose their players to countries such as Greece, Angola, and Mauritius; and the Thrashers probably won’t be there in a few years.  But hey, at least the Georgia Bulldogs will be good this year, although their ranking keeps dropping with each arrest.  Hey, there’s always the Georgia Force!  But I am going to admit something to you.  You called my bluff!  I was trying to act like I was going to hurt someone you care about in an effort to convert you to Washington sports because I truly believed this might be the year the Skins actually make a good run in the playoffs.  I knew you were struggling with your loyalties, and I attempted to take advantage of that.  I was going to kidnap your daughter, but I was afraid she would run my cell phone bill way up.  So Dippy seemed to be the next logical choice.  In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Dippy, partly because, at heart, I am a lover, not a fighter, and partly because Dippy had access to all kinds of drugs, and I was afraid he could kick my butt with the help of a drug-induced psychosis.  To that end:

I have provided you with a transcript of my last conversation with Dippy.  I have to apologize, because Dippy seems quite disoriented.  He hardly ate anything the whole time he was under my supervision.  Instead, as the picture I sent you shows, he chose to consume only alcohol and pills, and occasionally snort cocaine if it was on a stripper’s breast. 

K47: Okay Dippy, you are free to go home now!

Dippy: Uuuuuggggggghhhhh. What? Who are you?

K47: I am the guy who kidnapped you.

Dippy: I was kidnapped? I thought I was at a rave, with all the drugs I was doing!

K47: Yeah, I gave those drugs to you because I thought they would make you happy!

Dippy: You were right man!  Uuuuugggggghhhhhhh! How long have I been gone?  Like three hours?

K47: Ummm.  Actually, it has been a month.

Dippy: Holy crap!  I wonder if my girlfriend is asking about me, or if she is banging some other guy now.  What month is it?  Did the Lakers win the NBA Championship?  When do the Olympics start?  Did I miss the AFI concert?  Uuuuuuggggghhhh!  Get me a towel!

K47: Woah, slow down Dippy.  I think you have lost all sense of time and reality.  Those drugs really messed you up, didn’t they!  Maybe Fox can answer all your questions.

Dippy: Oh God, not that guy! He can’t make up his mind about anything.  I remember he was questioning whether he should stay loyal to Atlanta sports.

K47: Actually, that is why I am letting you go.  He called my bluff, and is sticking with Atlanta.

Dippy: Did the Lakers win?

K47: Ummm, no.  As everyone had predicted two months before the season began, the Celtics beat the Lakers.  Dippy, you hadn’t been kidnapped yet when the Celtics won.

Dippy: Ugggghhhhhh. Sunstroke, Memory, Gone.

K47: Yeah, and apparently Kobe Bryant has to visit Shaq so he can tell him how his ass tastes.

Dippy: What?

K47: Nevermind, talk to Fox.  So what are you going to do now that you are free?

Dippy (blood dripping from his wrist): Uuuuuggggghhhh! I think I will just sit in my room taking these pretty blue pills and listen to Forever the Sickest Kids over and over.

K47: So basically the same thing you did while you were with me.  Dippy, you need help!  Talk to Fox!  I am sure he wants your perspective on the Democratic Convention, among other issues.

Dippy: Seriously, can you get me a towel, man?

K47: Good Bye Dippy. 

Random Thoughts: Washington Edition

Last night I posted an Atlanta edition of random thoughts. Tonight I am switching gears again and focusing on Washington sports mainly because the laxatives no longer work and I need something to do when sitting on the throne of the gods.

** Redskins fans should be very worried about the start of the season. Coach Zorn installed the West Coast offense for his quarterback's ten millionth system in the last five years in football. Things started off well for Jason Campbell in the pre-season as the Redskins starters seemed to be able to move the ball fairly well. As the pre-season has worn on the offense has regressed into a shell of Art Shell. The offense now looks awful and I am not sure that Campbell is going to be able to pull off this new system in the near future. I think that it will take longer than most thought for this offense to gel. The Redskins fans need to give things a chance and not be too quick to hit the "boo" button early. It's going to take time. The current line has the Giants favored by three up to four points in their match-up Thursday night. I would take the Giants in this game. The offense is still trying to get it's wheels moving after being stuck in the mud for the last two to three weeks. The defense will be solid, but not stellar. Jason "Dancing With The Stars" Taylor's playing status will be a game time decision, but he really would not be a difference maker in this game anyways even if he was to play. Taylor is not interested in playing professional football. Coach Tuna in Miami knew it and so did anyone who witnessed his horrible dancing. He had to go. Now, Washington has yet another washed up high priced veteran that Snyder is famous for collecting. If Taylor plays against the Giants this week I would be surprised and if he makes a difference then I will check myself into rehab for sex addiction just like Fox Mulder.

** With absolutely no one looking (including me) the Nationals have now won seven in a row. All at home. They took three from the Dodgers (a team that should know better than to lose games it should win in a pennant race), three more from the Braves (the race for last is on!!!), and one from Philadelphia (who should also know better). Tim Redding is the best starting pitcher that the Nationals have and he pitched five and a third of no-hit ball until the wheels fell off. The Nationals relievers walked three straight batters and hit another in the sixth to cut their lead from 6-0 to 6-3. However, unlike what usually would happen to the Nationals, the relief staff held on to the 7-3 win. The Nationals need to win 10 games over the next month to avoid getting the 100 loss chain around their neck. For them to be able to avoid the 100 loss ceiling would be an accomplishment. This team has been smashed by injuries and unmet expectations of it's young players all year. Their best closer has been gone for the whole year and their best hitter has been gone for significant time for a team that could not afford any injuries. The Nationals rank at the bottom or near the bottom in most every team category. They have been essentially putrid all year and show no signs of any major improvement any time soon. The Nationals rank 26th in MLB in team payroll, which does not tell the whole story. The story is not how much a team spends it is how it is spent. Tampa Bay is 31st in team pay-roll and they have the best record in the AL. Jim Bowden has had six years now to play GM. He has been a complete failure during his tenure. There were a couple of seasons where the team hit 83 wins, but in fact the team has gotten worse every year for the last three. It's time to send him on his way...to Atlanta.

** So do I have this straight? The GOP Vice-Presidential candidate's 17 year old daughter is five months pregnant? OK. This should be interesting. I am actually going to stand down from commenting on this issue. It would be bad karma for me to make any comment about this situation. I'm taking a pass and I am happy that Obama is telling his folks to do the same.

** I watched way too much CNN today (which is a TV generated laxative in the worst way) as they were covering the landfall of Hurricane Gustav in Louisiana this morning. Things could have been a hundred times worse for New Orleans and they are not quite out of the woods at this time, but there was a huge sigh of relief this afternoon as the storm rolled further and further northwest of NOLA. I loved how CNN tried to be responsible by riding the fence between encouraging "iReports" from citizens in the storm's path and the safety of those same citizens. I love the media. Anything for a story. "Get us those iReports...Make sure you dodge that huge piece of steel siding flying through the air at 100 mph...Be careful of all those downed power lines...Send your iReports to us anyways...Even though you don't have power...Good luck!!" I did enjoy the one "iReport" of someone in Lafayette who stated they had all the supplies they needed plus "beer and wine." This is exactly what I expect from Louisiana residents in the face of a possible natural disaster!! Of course, if you were watching FoxNews you could have gotten Geraldo Rivera slumming around near the levees. I thought Geraldo was in prison somewhere for tax evasion being "exploited" by a white supremacist gang.

** Was anyone surprised that Virginia got rolled by 45 by USC? If you were, then you have been hanging around Ricky Williams and Chad Ocho Cinco for way too long, man. UVA did not have a chance to even score 10 points against USC in a game that simply was only played "for the money."