Another Visit From Dippy The Pirate Bear

Dippy is back with us tonight after coming back from a coke bender with Lindsey Lohan. We are watching the Lakers-Spurs Game 5 together.



Fox: So how are you tonight?

Dippy: Little tired. Little wired at the same time.

Fox: Coke benders do that to you?

Dippy: I guess.

Fox: So are you worried right now? The Lakers are down by 16 in the second quarter right now.

Dippy: Not really. I expected that the Spurs would come out strong since they are up against the wall. They are the champions and they are not going to go down for good without a big huge fight even if they are in LA and Cameron Diaz is at the game.

Fox: My theory is that the champion unless the team is completely overhauled is still the team to beat until someone beats them. San Antonio is a team people like to forget about. They do not have any huge charismatic stars. Their second best player is named "Manu". They are from a small TV market. However, they are a modern NBA dynasty. They played overall well all year, but everybody was focused on Phoenix after the Shaq trade and LA after the Pau Gasol trade...err...steal. Houston had a 22 game winning streak I think. Nobody outside of San Antonio talked about them all year. But they are the champions and here they are back in a conference final round. Let me also say this though. LA better win tonight. If they don't then they have to go back to Texas. Nobody wants to go back to Texas. Thelma and Louise did not want to go back to Texas for obvious reasons. The Lakers for the same reason don't want to go back to Texas. If they do, then we will have a Game 7 in LA. If that happens, the number of stars at the game will cause a major security problem. They'll have to declare martial law in LA because of all the stars at the game and the potential for a riot after the game. Matter of fact I want LA to win.

Dippy: Why do you want them to win?

Fox: Everytime they won a title in this decade the people outside the Staples Center tried to burn the whole city down. I would love to see that again. Cars being overturned. Stores burning. Effigies of Michael Douglas being burned. Perfect.

Dippy: What does Michael Douglas have to do with any of this?

Fox: Didn't you see Wonder Boys Douglas was a train wreck in that movie.

Dippy: But he's a great actor. He was great in Basic Instinct.

Fox: You've made my point.

Dippy: LA is not the only place where they burn the city down if their team wins. There's Detroit. They always burn that place down when they won. Matter of fact they do that when they lose.

Fox: So how's Lindsey?

Dippy: I think she's OK. A few nosebleeds, that's all. She's pretty wild when she is hopped up on coke. She dances naked in front of the mirror wearing a Bush mask singing "Paint It Black" by the Stones.

Fox: Interesting.

Dippy: Yeah, it's great. She gives really good lap dances as well.

Fox: Hmm...

Dippy: It's wild that she using a toothbrush to....

Fox: OK, stop there. Innocents might be reading.

Dippy: There is no such a thing as an "innocent."

Fox: True.

Dippy: Sorry to be so cynical. It's my nature. I don't think I can help it.

Fox: You're a dude in a bear suit playing with kids on a beach in the middle of the summer for beer money or cigaraettes or razors. I really don't blame you for being cynical.

Dippy: You're pretty cynical yourself.

Fox: Not really. I am a realist.

Dippy: Oh, is that another word for cynical?

Fox: Sure....(75 second pause)...so what did you think of that no-call on that last shot in Game 4. Wasn't Berry fouled on that play?

Dippy: It sucks that the play-offs in the NBA are more about what the officials do or don't do then the play on the court. We have had some interesting games and series, but here we are talking about a call that didn't happen and nor should it have happened. Berry should have done like MJ or Kobe would have done which is to lean into the defender to make sure there was contact. Berry just jumped up and shot the ball.

Fox: Well, the ball was not in a star's hands. A non-star like Berry would not get that call. Stars only get that call. Berry was not going to get that call. Anyways the refs want the Lakers and Celtics to win anyways. Don Stern will have the ref killed if he called a foul on that play and put Berry on the line for three points to win the game at the end.

Dippy: So you are a conspiracy theorist guy?

Fox: No. Most will blame me for being a conspiracy theorist guy. It's really not a conspiracy. A conspiracy implies that no one knows about the plot except those sirectly involved. That is not the case here. Everybody knows that the refs want the Celtics and the Lakers in the Finals. Everybody who says they don't know this is obviously delusional. When everybody knows about a plan it isn't a conspiracy.

Dippy: The Lakers have pulled to within six now. They're coming back. They are the better team regardless of what the refs do anyways. The Spurs do not have the same amount of offensive weapons that the Lakers do.

Fox: Look at that bad shot by Kobe. That was an ugly air ball.

Dippy: That was terrible. It was like watching my mom shower with that trucker guy she picked up at that rest stop on I-64 in New Kent county.

Fox: Dude. TMI. TMI.

Dippy: Sorry. Larry Odom just hit a great jumper. He really needs to get into the game.

Fox: I agree he is vital. When he is involved in the game the Lakers absolutlely can not the beaten by anyone. He can work with Kobe in the paint and together they can totally control both sides of the court. When Odom disappears, and he does so more so than a narc at a biker rally or a women's prison, and the Lakers look vunerable and Kobe decides either to take every shot or pass to someone else for every shot.

Dippy: Sheed Wallace got fined $25,000 for his expletive laden comments about the refs last night.

Fox: Again, the refs are the big story. Sheed is one of my favorite players. I guarantee you he will get a technical foul during the next game. If he gets another one then he'll get suspended for the next game. That is exactly what Don Stern wants. I love Wallace though. He's like the kid at school that everybody likes to pick on because everytime someone does they go nuts. That's Sheed.

Dippy: The Lakers take the lead on a sweet fade by Kobe.

Fox: They're taking over now. Dyan Cannon is probably taking a leak into her diaper now.

Dippy: Don't you mean Jack?

Fox: No, Jack is indestructable. He's the Terminator. He will live longer than all of us. Trust me.

Dippy: Well, I gotta go.

Fox: What? You have to go? What's up? It's the fourth quarter.

Dippy: I have to get my Molotov cocktail ready for the after-game party after the Lakers win.

Fox: OK, we'll see you next week.

Where It All Started (Part 1)

Dippy was supposed to join me for a chat, but he did not feel well enough to come today. So I am recycling this post from January concerning how your wayward emotionally bankrupt blogger got into the behavioral health field. Also, I am preparing for Part 2 of this story this weekend so I wanted to give everyone a refresher....

Now, from January...


I am often asked why I got into the behavioral health field. Was it your mother? Was it your uncle? Was it your family? Actually, those are good guesses but not the right answer. There is a long story that I will tell in a much shorter version.

It started in Columbia, South Carolina in 1970. That is when a young beauty queen and a handsome athlete had to deal with an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy. They were not married and in Columbia in 1970 you either gave the baby up or got married. They chose to give the baby up. The baby, a girl, was born on October 8, 1970. I am unclear of the girl's original name (I think that it was Sarah), but she was immediately put up for adoption. A couple, a college professor and a mill worker, who could not bare their own children decided to adopt the newborn girl. They had already adopted a boy several years earlier and they badly wanted a little girl. The couple lived in Marion, South Carolina which is a little over an hour away from Columbia and is in a lowlands of South Carolina a half hour from the coast. A quaint Southern town, Marion was the ideal place to raise a newly adopted little girl. Together, they began the process of raising a beautiful newborn. Along the way, as the girl grew, she picked up a new name, Scottie, and flaming red hair. Her hair became her most noticeable and attractive trait.

Scottie did well in school and in sports. She played little league baseball with the boys and her talents flourished. She quickly became known as a tomboy. A title she relished as she beamed with pride for pictures with the trophies she earned, standing at the plate for the next pitch, and crossing home plate with her red hair flowing in the wind. She also became known for her erratic mood swings, impulsive behavior, and a wicked temper. Most people attributed the anger and the mood swings to her red hair. However, this was an unusual struggle for the couple who had a relatively uneventful time with their adopted son. Scottie struggled as a latency aged child with her identity and her own emotions. In her household, however, issues of expressing emotions and developing one's own identity separate from the parents were not supported. Scottie's behavior began to get her in trouble in school as she would be referred to the office for minor offenses that involved not sitting still, emotional overreactions, and being impulsive. Most doctors would have likely classified her as having Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). However, in the late eighties and early nineties in Marion, this was not an issue as protective and patient teachers continued to work with Scottie in an attempt to channel her enormous energy.

As Scottie moved into early adolescence her moods became more erratic, her emotions more edgy, her behavior more extreme, and her need to find an identity of her own more and more apparent. This is all normal for adolescence, however, in Scottie's case her moods and behavior were more and more extreme and abnormal than your typical preteen or teenage girl. Scottie figured out on her own that she was adopted. She demanded to have knowledge of her real parents. Her adopted parents resisted despite her relentless requests. Scottie became increasing more depressed, anxious, and withdrawn as she reached the age of 14. Her adopted parents did not know what to make of Scottie and how to help a young woman who was becoming more troubled as each day passed. Scottie began to engage in binging and purging behavior in terms of eating. She also became more interested in death and dying. Her distressed adopted parents did not know what to do for Scottie and out of desperation and a loss of patience they acted angrily in response to her irrational and impulsive behavior. As her adopted parents became more angry, inpatient, and desperate, Scottie continued to drift deeper into a feeling of emptiness and a burgeoning rage.

Coming Soon: Part 2

Zito Wins!!! Zito Wins!!!

Finally, Zito Wins!!! The most expensive pitching victory ever...clocking in at around 14.8 million dollars. Break out the well aged swiss. More on Zito later.

As the Memorial Day holiday comes to a close and the summer season of discontent begins, I am feeling relaxed as I have had a decent weekend for a change. I have relaxed for three full days, caught some sun, drank beer, and read a rather outstanding new book by a new writer. I will write more about this in a future post. However, the title of the book is Child 44 (hit the link to go to the Barnes and Noble site). Trust me that this is the best novel I have read in several years. You have heard of books that are "page turners"? This is one of them.

The DefCon level in the Fox household has continued to go down. It is now at a DefCon 4. This is the best level that it has been at for several months. I am not sure what to make of it. All of the superpowers (and wanna-be superpowers) are getting along as well as could be expected. The Russian embassy was open for visitors over the weekend. There has been no talk of spies, pandas, giant spiders, nuclear weapons, or any dissolution of treaties. Kim Jong Il is a bit calmer these days. (S)he actually asked for my opinion on something worthwhile. As per my new style, I spoke the truth with very little held back. This tactic works better for me. It is a lot better that people around me know exactly where I stand and where they stand as well. I owe a lot of this to new found mental and physical energy that I have not had in years. My mental faculties are no longer "mush." I am now the sharpest I have ever been. This, of course, means that any one that I write about in this blog had better watch out because I'm coming and nothing is going to stop me. Not even a pregnant (maybe?) bichon frise dog.

I have also managed to lose 35 pounds in the last four months. I have even switched to "light" beer. That is like switching from DIY blunts to filtered cigarettes for me. Good times. Really. I had to go to a smaller pant size because my originals were falling off. OK, everyone stop being jealous. It is perfectly possible to be a complete train wreck and lose 35 pounds. It's called doing meth.

I am hoping not to catch too much grief on my last post regarding Whitewater Hillary's South Dakota RFK assassination reference. I really believe that I am openly speaking the truth about a dark fear that many people close to the campaigns have. That is, that there are forces at work who absolutely do not want either Obama or Hillary to be President and not because they are necessarily Republican. It's because they do not want America to be run by a black man or a white woman. Period. I refuse to believe that their campaigns have not gotten some sort of notice that there are possible security and safety threats out there beyond the typical "I want to knock off a President" killer. P.S. to the Secret Service---I did not reference that I wanted to knock off anyone. Thanks. I will expect your customary letter.

People have written me recently asking about what I have been listening to recently. I am happy to say that I will be devoting a whole segment on this soon. I have found some interesting music in the last few months. Check out a band called MGMT. Interesting stuff. Their song "Time to Pretend" is my new anthem.

Now for your update:

ANDRUW JONES

Well, Andruw is now on the 15-day DL for a busted up knee that he has having surgery on tomorrow. I suspect that he will be out of action for several weeks. This means I will need to find another unsuspecting underachieving millionaire baseball player to hassle. Any suggestions?

AVG.: .165 HR: 2 RBI: 7 OBP: .273 SLG: .271

Andruw's replacement in CF you ask?

MATT KEMP

AVG.: .315 HR: 3 RBI: 28 OBP: .361 SLG: .458

Salary? $406,000.

BARRY ZITO

Two worlds collided this past week. Not the Lohan-Spears feud that could lead to both families to check into adjoining rooms at the next Surreal World house. Wouldn't that be something if VH1 could pull that off? That would be great. On one side of house would be the Lohan family and the other side the Spears family. The prize for the family that stays in the house the longest is a years supply of Lithium and cocaine. No, the two worlds that collided was Barry Zito and the Florida Marlins this past week as Barry finally got his first win of the season. It was not a cheap win either. He threw 108 pitches in 6 1/3 innings while giving up only one earned run and three hits.

W-L: 1-8 ERA: 5.65 SO: 27 WHIP: 1.80

On another baseball note, Chipper Jones of the Atlanta Braves is currently batting over .400. I am debating using him as the replacement Jones on this weekly update, but I am afraid that it will just jinx him. Thoughts are welcome.

The (Un)Spoken Fear

Whitewater Hillary put her foot in her mouth in South Dakota this past week suggesting that she was going to continue to fight on in the Democratic nomination race into June because her husband did not clinch until June in 1992 and that Robert Kennedy was also assassinated in June in California. Maureen Dowd in her New York Times column this weekend suggested that Hillary was merely pointing out that she is staying in the race because "stuff happens."


She's right. Stuff does happen. Scandals erupt. Candidates trip up. They end up in You Tube videos making racist comments. They end up with pictures of them smoking crack. However, Waterwater Hillary was actually spilling, in a fatigued stressful moment, a latent fear that many people have regarding this election cycle that no one was willing to speak about.


Oprah Obama has been compared throughout the campaign as the next Robert Kennedy or the next John Kennedy. People have made this comparison on two levels. In 1960, no body thought that America was ready to elect a Roman Catholic president. But, America did. John Kennedy infused a avalanche of hope and energy to a America that sorely needed a change. This is the second level that Oprah Obama is also riding on. He has infused energy, hope, and change into this election that has not been seen since 1968 when RFK had the nomination in hand and met his tragic fate. Obama comes to this election cycle at a time where change is desperately needed just as it was needed in 1960. No one can or should deny the impact of the result of all of this hope and change that was advertised by JFK and RFK. America has not been the same since the deaths of RFK and Martin Luther King Jr. in the spring of 1968. However, the similarities are stunning. Again, America has now been wrestling with questions regarding whether or not we, as a nation, are ready. This time for an African-American or a woman to be President (a much bigger issue than religion). It would be incredibly delusional for anyone to believe that there are not elements, dark and sinister, in America who would not only not ever vote for a black man or a woman as President, but would stop at nothing to make sure it never happened.


I am not suggesting that anything tragic will happen, but it has been in the back of people's minds. The Secret Service issued a security cardon to Oprah Obama in March, which is the earliest that a cardon was ever issued to a candidate. Whether or not this was done as a direct result to an identifiable threat is unknown, but it is clear that there is a fear factor involved.


Both Obama and Clinton are trying to make history by breaking through a ceiling that very few people thought would be broken in their lifetime. They are both the closest to get within reach of that ceiling in our history. History has shown us, over and over, that people who are trying to break through the racial or gender ceiling that was dominated by one ethic group or demographic did so in the face of incredible odds as well as threats of violence. We should again learn from history and understand that in these historic yet dangerous times that we have two high profile candidates who are in the same boat with their historic predecessors. I suspect that given the historic context that Clinton and Obama are operating under that they have both been subject to threats and other security concerns. Not only because they are candidates for President, but because, sadly, of their gender or race.


Many columnists are roasting Hillary this weekend, but I am not. Though her comments were ill-timed and unfortunate, I am not inclined to destroy her for it. I believe that her statement was a reflection of an unconscious fear that as her and her opponent march towards that glass ceiling that the road may be filled with hidden real dangers. It is history that we must learn from in this case or we may have to relearn it all over again.

Introducing Dippy The Pirate Bear

Tonight we have brought in our special guest columnist, Dippy, the Pirate Bear!!!! He will be joining us regularly to talk about his insights into love, sports, and life in general. So let's get to it:

Fox: How are you doing, Dippy?
Dippy: Uh, not good, man.
Fox: What's wrong?
Dippy: My razor broke.
Fox: OK, that's a problem.
Dippy: Well, that's the razor that I use when I get nervous.
Fox: Whadda mean?
Dippy: When I get nervous I use the razor.
Fox: To do what?
Dippy: (sighing) To cut my arms.
Fox: To cut your arms?
Dippy: Yeah, it relieves my nerves. When I get mad. I cut. I get nervous. I use the razor.
Fox: Are you trying to kill yourself or just relieve tension.
Dippy: You're a tool. I'm sick of people thinking that just because I use my special razor that I'm trying to kill myself. I like physical pain. It helps me fell better. Get off my back!!
Fox: OK, OK. Calm down.
Dippy: (45 second pause) uuuuhhhh.
Fox: (55 second pause) Do you need a towel?
Dippy: No. I'm fine.
Fox: So tell us about yourself.
Dippy: Well, I work for an ocean front hotel on Virginia Beach. I entertain the kids on the beach at the hotel while their parents are getting loaded in the bar.
Fox: So you wear a bear suit and go out on the beach during the summer and entertain children? Dippy: That's right. I wear the outfit. I play for the kids. I keep them busy so they forget their parents are sleeping with the next store neighbor in the hotel.
Fox: OK. (25 second pause)
Dippy: uuuhhh...
Fox: Do you need a towel?
Dippy: No...I'm OK.
Fox: ooo...k. (15 second pause) So how old are you?
Dippy: I'm 18.
Fox: Are you still in school?
Dippy: Yes. I go to high school in Virginia Beach.
Fox: Senior? Junior?
Dippy: Senior. I'm on the six year plan.
Fox: I thought the six year plan was for when you are in college? How does that work when you are in high school?
Dippy: I have spent some time away from home. Away from school. I don't want to talk about it.
Fox: ooo...k. Are you sure you don't need a towel?
Dippy: No. I'm OK.
Fox: So you work in a bear outfit during the summer on the beach playing with kids? Doesn't it get hot?
Dippy: Sure it does. I just learn to deal with it.
Fox: How do you do that?
Dippy: Painkillers.
Fox: Painkillers?
Dippy: Yeah. Vicodin. Lortabs. Anything that takes the edge off.
Fox: That's interesting. (55 second pause) So I know that you are a sports buff.
Dippy: Big fan. I watch a lot of sports on TV. I listen to Jim Rome on the radio.
Fox: Any teams that you follow?
Dippy: I follow the Dodgers. Lakers. Anything in L.A.
Fox: So how do you think the Dodgers are doing? Are you worried?
Dippy: Joe Torre is a tool. They can't hit. Andruw Jones is a tool. Pitching is pretty solid. I just don't understand why Torre lets Andruw play everyday. He strikes out twice as a much as he gets a hit. That for 14.7 million dollars? He probably stopped using HGH or something and now he's completely falling apart like Jason Giambi. We've got a good pitching staff, but we don't have enough bats to win consistently. Middle relief is a problem.
Fox: So how worried are you about the Dodgers?
Dippy: Well we're at least five games out. Arizona is pretty well going to run away with everything. I think they'll come back to Earth at some point. I mean Brandon Webb has got to lose sometime.
Fox: The D-Backs are young, talented, and feisty. They have a ton of talent though. They have got three top starting pitchers and enough bats to get four runs a game.
Dippy: Well, I am worried. Torre is a tool. He looks constipated. Like a hamster.
Fox: Hamster?
Dippy: Yeaaahh...uuuhhh. A hamster. He looks like a hamster that has been drinking Drano.
Fox: Let's move on.
Dippy: Stop looking at me.
Fox: So who do think is going to win between the Lakers and the Spurs?
Dippy: I mean the Lakers should win. Kobe is determined now. He's got that look in the eye. He looks like William Shatner right before he was going to bang an alien chick. He wants to win the title without Shaq. I mean he wants to rub that in his face. He wants to show him the trophy to Shaq and say "I won this puppy without your sorry broken down ass. I did it without any other stars on my team. I did this by myself."
Fox: What about Gasol?
Dippy: Role player. He's not a star. He's going to get rolled by Duncan in the series. He's not a big time player.
Fox: But, the Lakers were a middle of the road Western Conference team before Gasol got there. Gasol gets there on the biggest steal of the trade deadline. I mean the GM of Memphis should be fired like the Pope on a Kool-Aid bender for making that trade. Gasol gets there and now they're in the top four teams in the league.
Dippy: He's not a star. They could have gotten Manute Bol and still gotten to where they are now.
Fox: So what if they had gotten Shaq back then?
Dippy: Don't look at me.
Fox: OK. So what do you think of American Idol? Whose your pick? David A. or David C.?
Dippy: David C. David A. sings like an opera singer whose been kicked in the man package too many times.
Fox: Your kidding right? David C. is the biggest poser there is. He has all these staged fake rock guy moves. He's so fake. He's using moves that Jim Morrison did in 1965. It's so contrived. How can anyone fall for that crap?
Dippy: Don't look at me. uuuuuhhhh.
Fox: You need a towel.
Dippy: How about a gauze pad?
Fox: So we'll see you next week.

Barry Zito-Andruw Jones Update, Anne, Crushes, And Ethical Considerations

I really hesitated on adding a new post this evening that could knock down the see-through top pic of Anne Hathaway from the first thing one sees on this blog. I hope the pic I selected will at least soften the blow...though I don't imagine it will. People have asked me if I will ever fully divulge my crush on this blog. I am hoping that I can without being tasered or assassinated. No. I am really kidding. As I think about it this is more than a simple crush. A crush implies that it is some teen-age high school lust/love sensation. How I feel is a little deeper than that. Can't quite describe it, but it's there. One day I may reveal it, but never ever ever on this blog because a blog is definitely not the best place to name names. I mean I do sorta have ethical principals. I know that blogs do not come with any Code of Ethics, but I have to consider the collateral damage that could be caused by putting up the wrong things on my blog. Trust me, knowing me, there would be total collateral damage if I were to name names. The total damage could reach DefCon 1 level "Three Mile Island Chilli" destruction. I can't drop to that level of ethical bankruptcy in all fairness. I will let you all guess on who or what. I may drop hints, but I'll never pull off the mask in this forum. I deeply respect and care about the other person way too much to cause the collateral damage that would be created. Not here. Not ever.

Anyways, you are due for a Zito-Jones update:

ANDRUW JONES

Andruw Jones went on a small tear at the start of last week which got his average up into the .180's-barely. Then Andruw realized that he was still Andruw and went on a 0 for 11 with five strike out weekend. Classic. He did hit a home run over the past week. I did not get to see it, but I am sure the pitch was thrown up to the plate softball style.

AVG.: .167 HR: 2 RBI: 7 OBP: .275

Oh, just for giggles. Let's make a comparison. Mark Kotsay replaced Andruw in Atlanta in center field for a measly $7 million. What are his stats so far in Atlanta? Thank you for asking.

AVG.: .301 HR: 3 RBI: 19 OBP: .354

As long as Kotsay does not pull his usual injury of the month later on this season that will lead him on the DL for six weeks he will be worth more for Atlanta than Andruw is worth to the Dodgers. Jones is lucky that his manager, Joe Torre, has a lengthy history of working through slumps as opposed to setting someone down no matter how bad it gets.

BARRY ZITO:

Barry made two starts this past week. He lost one of them, gave up 5 earned runs in 11 innings (which actually is better than he was doing prior to going to the pen). His WHIP in his two starts (2.00) and opponents batting average (.366) continue to tell the tale. He is still on pace for going 0-30.

W-L: 0-8 ERA: 6.25 SO: 22 WHIP: 1.90

Running Diary: Sunday Night Madness

It has been a while since my last running diary.  This night is extra special as it is the last night of my emergency on-call shift for the weekend.  It is not as special as Mindy McCready's special night with Roger Clemens though.  I am at a friend's house so I will be commenting on what my friends are watching as opposed to my meandering across the digital cable landscape.

8:47 pm:  Watching the Academy of Country Music awards from Las Vegas.  I know virtually nothing about country music.  I do have one experience from about sixteen years ago.  My band and I were rolling in a beat-up van in Eastern Tennessee trying to get to a gig in Knoxsville.  I was loaded on beer and year old Tic Tacs rumbling through some backwoods oblivion.  The only radio station we could pick up was a country station.  We heard a song about a guy, his dog, his shot-gun, and what did to the dog with the shotgun.  I'll just say that he made Michael Vick proud.

8:51 pm:  Some guy in a dirty hat is singing some song that I have never heard before.  He looks like a drunk serial killer country singer dude.  I wish I was drunk right now.

8:52 pm:  There are more cowboy hats in the crowd then there are brain cells left in Brit Spears head.  I don't know if that is a shot against the crowd or Spears.  I don't know.  All I know is that I am not comfortable with both the number of cowboy hats in the crowd or brain cells left in Brit's head.  I need a beer if I am going to listen to country music.

8:54 pm:  Sh*& man!  It's Dick Clark.  He sounds like he has two hundred marbles in his mouth.  Just like Kurt Cobain in "Smells Like Teen Spirit."  I wonder what Kurt would be doing if he was still alive.  I wonder if he would be going through his Elvis phase where he headlines Vegas shows in sparkled spandex pants and hooked on heroin and painkillers.

8:56 pm:  I need to call home soon.  I am happy to say that the DefCon level is going down in intensity in the last week.  It has dropped from the "2" Medium Salsa level to a level "4" roasted cucumber level.  Russia has decided to lay down her arms and not launch a crazy tank attack on Poland or Canada.  The Ice Princess of Siberia has decided that talking is a good idea during a cold war as opposed to setting fire to the U.S. President's clothes and shaving the words "Dick Head" on his cat's back.  Kim Jong Il was on holiday in the woods somewhere so the risk of some sort of nuclear winter at least this weekend went down significantly, but there is always Monday.  

9:03 pm: The Yankee-Met game is on.  Joe Morgan made the following shocking statement:  "In a tight game like this, one run makes a difference."  I may be in the midst of a tic tac hallucination right now, but that statement clearly shows that Joe Morgan should not be allowed in a broadcast booth.  Frankly, neither should his partner Jon Miller.  The light that Joe and Jon shed on the complexities of baseball games could light a coal mine for about ten seconds.

9:12 pm: Called home.  No major incidents at home.  No tank attacks or giant hamsters attacking the house.  

9:13 pm:  Back at Yankee Stadium Carlos Delgado of the Mets were robbed of a home run in which the ball hit the top of the wall in left field right at the foul pole.  The umpires initially called it a home run, but they changed the call on the field to a foul ball.  Instant replay showed it was clearly a home run.  This is why we need instant replay in baseball.

9:20 pm: Jon and Joe are going to run this foul ball that should have been called a home run into the ground.  This is their MO.  They beat everything they talk about into the ground faster than a F-16 crashing into a mall parking lot in Virginia Beach.  Why on Earth is it so hard to withdraw from Tic Tacs?  Is there any help for this?  Vicodin?  Lifesavers?

9:23 pm:  Glad to see we had a major Triple Crown horse race that did not result in a horse's death.  Big Brown was on cruise control at the end and won by over five lengths.  We actually have a legitimate Triple Crown threat.  I would not put any money on Big Brown to win the Triple Crown because he will be such a favorite that you will not be able to win any money on just him to win.  However, go for a trifecta, at least you will know one horse that will be in the top three.  I'll give you my picks on the Friday before the race.  I know nothing about horse racing so it should be interesting, but I can't resist being the degenerate gambler that I am.

9:32 pm: Back at Yankee Stadium, Joe and Jon are still beating down the foul ball that should have been a home run play.  It is nineteen minutes past that play now.  They will probably go on for another thirty minutes.  They beating this thing down more than Keith Urban has had to beat his thing down since marrying Nicole Kidman.  Mark my words that guy is going back to rehab in the next four months.  I can not imagine marrying Nicole Kidman, but dealing with a pregnant Nicole Kidman would drive anyone to booze and Tic Tacs.

9:36 pm: I have to admit that I only watched a small amount of the Game 7 between the Celtics and the Cavs in the pot den that the new Boston Garden is.  From what I could tell (and the statistics bear this out) it was a classic star player vs. star player competition.  Paul Pierce finally had the game that showed Boston fans that he could step up his game when it matters by dropping 41.  LeBron who is desperately trying to channel his Michael Jordan karma dropped 45 in his best game of the series.  However, Pierce's teammates are ten times better than Pierce's.  The result?  The Celtics won 97-92.  As I watched the game I never truly believed that the Cavs were going to win.  The Celtics controlled the tempo of the game and even though they allowed Cleveland to keep it close in the second half they stayed at least one step ahead the whole game.  They were able to rest their Top Three for stretches during the game as they never were truly threatened.  However, in order for them to make the Finals they will need two things to happen instead of one.  First, they need to get the iffy calls from the referees that they were going to get anyways because Don Stern wants a Laker-Celtic Finals so badly he'll have the refs killed if they don't call things the Celts way 90% of the time.  Secondly, the Celtics need to win at least one game in Detroit against the Pistons.  I am looking forward to watching Rasheed Wallace get kicked out of a game in this series when a call goes against him.  Trust me.  It will happen.  And when it does he'll be right.  On another note, LeBron might be the "Second Coming" and all of that nonsense, but in looking at his game now in comparison to when he came into the league there is no difference. Jordan, Magic, Kobe, Bird et al. all tinkered year after year with their game during the off season to become better and better.  They each added elements to their games year after year to make themselves better.  King James has not.  His game is the same that it always has been.  He continues to have no offensive mid-range game.  He is great in the paint and from the perimeter.  Anywhere else is no man's land.  he has to develop a game in the "middle" in order to become better.  If that happens he will be unstoppable.

9:50 pm:  Anyone notice that the NFL Network shows re-plays of NFL games from last season?  On Sundays they started with Week 1 of 90 minute re-plays of the top games of that week.  Then each Sunday afterwards they go to the top games of the following week and on and on.  First, I absolutely love this idea.  They take the pertinent 90 minutes of the game and play just that.  They intermix NFL Films shots and pressers of the coaches and players after the game to give the game an added context.  This is genius.  I watched the Chargers-Colts match-up from Week 10 where Peyton Manning (Eli's older brother) threw eighteen interceptions to Shawn Merriman and still the Colts had a chip shot field goal chance to win.  The Chargers still won the game.  I wonder if I can bet on "next" Sunday's games and win money?  Two tickets to Vegas please!

9:57 pm:  In order to get off the Tic Tacs I am going to start gambling excessively on baseball, Arena football, and WNBA games.  I'll post my picks occasionally.  I wonder if I'll do better than Pete Rose.  I wonder what finally caught Pete in the end?  Was it the fact that he bet on his own team or that he was just so bad at it?  Speaking of gambling, Charles Barkley does not want to be a role model, but he is definitely my gambling role model.  That guy has got to be in the Gambling Hall of Fame for "forgetting" to pay back $400,000 in gambling debts.  Classic.  I want to move to Alabama just so I can vote for him for governor. He is my gambling hero.

10:02 pm:  Jon and Joe are still bringing up that foul ball play.  It's now forty-six minutes after the play.  Give it a rest, guys.  Isn't there something else you can talk about?  Like ED medication or strippers?

10:03 pm:  Can anyone name three Tampa Bay Rays players after B.J. Upton and Scott Kazmir?

I am a baseball degenerate and I could not name any other players on the Rays and they were leading the AL East going into the weekend.  I watched their series against the Cardinals in St. Louis (which guaranteed that they would lose) and they reminded me of the 1991 Atlanta Braves team in terms of their youth, energy, and inexperience (seven of their twelve pitchers were born in the 80s.)  I need to research this more and give you all a more cogent explanation, but I see the comparisons.  I watched how the Rays would not give up the fight and also make bad mistakes that would cost them games (like leaving 100 runners on base on Saturday in a one-run loss).  They have great talent, they are maturing into a winning team, and they have no idea where they are.

10:17 pm:  Did I read somewhere that Jason Giambi of the Yankees was wearing a gold thong?

I don't think I am hallucinating.  There is a brown bear in a pirate outfit sitting next to me.  He has a needle in his arm and is acting like Nikki Sixx.  Gold thongs and HGH.  Great combo.

10:19 pm:  Apparently, the bear's name is Dippy.  He says that he is a pirate bear.  Riiiigggghhhhhtttt.   

10:20 pm:  Just saw a promo for the TV remake movie, Get Smart.  The movie looks absolutely stupid.  I have to say that I think Anne Hathaway is extremely hot.  I am absolutely not joking about this.  I think that she is stunning.  I get dizzy when I see her.  I will gladly endure the Get Smart movie in order to see her on-screen.  It was her that kept me from tearing all my fingernails out while watching The Devil Wears Prada. I had not noticed her before that movie.  I normally do not get crushes on celebrities since I don't know them.  Anne is an exception.  Speaking of people I do know, I have another crush as well.  She is a nu....khqerhwlkjerwhlkjhrelktjhklwejrhtlkktlhkj4.

10:23 pm:  I reeaallly wwwiiisssshh I wwwoooouuulllddd nnnnooottt gggeeettttt ttttaaassseeeerrrredddd evvvvveeerry tttttiiiiimmmmeeee III bbbrrrriiinnngg  thhhhiiiisss  uuuuuppp......fjkhfkerjlhlkjerhwltkjherjk

Honesty, House, Dippy, And Zito-Jones Update

I have heard from a lot of people on both sides of the fence in the last few days regarding my recent posts that have resembled part confessional, part therapeutic, part trash, and part insane. Like Manhunter or House, M.D. insane. I had someone exclaim to me that "they have therapists for that" in regards to my recent blogs. It is clear that an outsider (or even an insider) would look at these recent blog entries and state clearly that I am turning into a complete train wreck or a dumpster fire. In my own defense, I have decided back on New Year's that I would become more brutally honest and not back down from controversy. It took me several months and a medical crisis later, but I have reached that goal. I'm not perfect. I get the urge to avoid rocking the boat greater than a heroin addict craves the needle (or Dippy the Pirate Bear craves water...more on this later). I slip and try to avoid the chaos in the moment by doing things only to put it off later. Though I am progressing through this major lifestyle change it comes off as being off center for me. Though I imagine that most people would find using this forum to use as a confessional regarding my derailing personal life a bit over the top. However, I am delivering what I am promised...brutal and uncensored honesty.

Speaking of House, MD, which is one of the very few shows that I will actually watch on TV with great interest. I admit like many people I am a huge fan of the show. I'll also admit that I wish I was more like House. As I think about it, I imagine that many people would also love to have the filters removed from their brain that keeps them for saying what they really mean. I certainly would. On House, it's pure drama (though the penchant for having someone code right at the fifteen minute mark is waaaayyyy too predictable) and I am fascinated by puzzles and complex character studies. Yes, I am a moron. Or am I?
Tonight's episode probably was one of the best episodes that I have seen this season and definitely set the stage for a cliffhanger of the end of the season. I have to say that people like particular shows that feature people who they wish they could be or remind them of themselves. A character that fits this profile for me is the Gil Grissom character on CSI. I'll let you all mull on that for awhile. Those of you who truly know me will make the connection easily (if they are familiar with CSI, that is.)

One of the most memorable imprints of the blur that was the Virginia Beach conference was a door at the elevator on the first floor of the hotel we stayed in. The door led to the beach access at the back of the hotel and it featured an advertisement for "Dippy the Pirate Bear." This led me to go in all sorts of directions. So I imagine that this is a mascot for the hotel and the kids staying on the beach. I also imagined a strung out emo guy from the local high school in a pirate bear outfit in 100 degree weather on the beach entertaining the kids. This image seemed so ridiculous and is bound to cause the following exchanges between the kids and their parents:

Kid: Mommy, Dippy just fell and he's not breathing. What's wrong?

Kid: Daddy, Dippy is stumbling around and asking for water. He's scaring me.

Kid: Mom, why is Dippy whipping out his wee-wee?

Kid: Mommy, why is Dippy smell like Daddy's juice?

Kid: Daddy, why is Dippy floating on a surfboard? What's wrong???

Kid: Daddy, why is Dippy on fire???

This has to be one of the worst jobs ever.


Now for your favorite Zito-Jones update:

BARRY ZITO:

Barry took a little break from his harsh duties getting lit up as a starting pitcher in San Francisco and making $14 million a year. He rested in the bullpen for over a week a got no game action. He went back into the starting rotation (mainly because the Giants needed a warm body) on 5/7 in Pittsburgh and gave up only two earned runs in five innings. He managed to strike out five batters. But, let's not forget that he was pitching against the Pirates. I am hoping that the Giants keep trotting him out there as he is on pace to go 0-30.

W-L: 0-7 ERA: 6.95 SO: 16 WHIP: 1.87

ANDRUW JONES

Andruw went an improved 3 for 14 this week. That is a stellar Ted Williams-like .214 clip. Again, no homers. One big RBI. Torre continues to roll him out there even though he is jumping over the plate like someone jumping on a grenade every time a Class A pitcher throws a curve ball.

AVG.: .170 HR: 1 RBI: 5 OBP: .277

Manhunter Insane, Coming Out Of A Coma, And Other Brain Matter

I have just returned from one of the weaker professional conferences that I have ever attended. The saving grace of the whole three and a half day beer fest was the fact that it was in Virginia Beach right before the tourist season started. The weather was nearly perfect for the entire stay. I was able (as my somewhat absurd posting showed) to enjoy the weather, women, and wine (beer) throughout the trip. I didn't sleep much during the trip due to "socializing" and "light refreshments" which lead to my acknowledgement that I have been in a coma for about six years. There were times that I felt that I had been abducted my UFO's and had some sort of weird probing experiments performed. My post on Wednesday I am sure appeared that I had been abducted by something. On one end of the spectrum, I felt that I was continuing my slow decent into pure insanity. This is reminiscent of nine years ago where I slipped into personal and professional purgatory. In May of 1999, I watched my first marriage end as well as getting too emotionally involved in a case I was working on. A divorce in of itself is enough to make anyone absolutely crazy. Then to top it all off I got involved in working a case in which a middle aged emotionally and physically abusive man got blown away by his wife in their bedroom while their two year old was slipping and the six year old was watching TV in the living room. I got too caught up emotionally in this case and it nearly made me Manhunter insane. I started thinking, feeling, and acting like the murderer the further I got involved in the case. I had gotten into the head of someone else and I could not get out. I am here to tell you that this actually does happen. The sad irony of it all is that I tried to get my colleagues to pull me out of a complete dumpster fire of a situation and all I got was reassurances that I truly was not insane and that everything would be "O.K." This led to six months of a living hell with my career in the balance. My career survived and I survived, but scarred. The flip side to what is happening is that I was able to get a level of clarity near the end of my trip (despite the "light refreshments", "socializing", and little sleep). This clarity has led me to challenge myself and the status quo of my current life. The status quo in my life is full of quicksand. In the end, I am convinced that life is way too short to be unhappy. Life is too short to keep my lips shut. Life is too short to not let simply let things ride. Life is too short to be around people that I can not challenge. I try not to live in a world with regrets, but I admit that I have them. I regret a number of major decisions that I made around six years ago which I am still paying for now. I made these decisions because I did not have the guts to state how I really felt and what I truly believed. I made the decisions because I was trying avoid a conflict that eventually happened anyways. As a result, I am where I am at now personally and professionally. I am unhappy right now with both major aspects of my life. So it is time for a major change in both areas. Why? Because life is too short to be unhappy and it is even worse to remain unhappy when there is something that can be done about it. I do not know what I am going to do exactly. I am simply weighing all the options. I will say that I am not keeping my mouth shut anymore. I am not willing anymore to sit on my hands and let things happen that I do not agree with. I am not willing anymore to let my life drift by. In the last several months I have come back from serious medical problems and I have transformed my body. Now it is time to transform my spirit, heart, and mind. It will not be easy, but it must be done. I have risen from a coma and I need a haircut.

It is Mother's Day. I tried to call my mother twice. I was unable to reach my mother or any member of my immediate family. I left messages. I have not received a call in return. I suspect that this part of a grudge that my family has against me for not following through on my duties as a family member. I am extremely thankful for both my mother and father for the opportunities that they gave me to be who I am and who I wanted to be. They allowed me the room to grow and the room to become my own person. They gave me the best of each of them. They gave my opportunities that allowed me to go into my profession and to excel within it. For this I will always be thankful. I do not blame them for any aspect of my childhood. It is a waste of time to blame one's parents for being an absolute train wreck. Yes, they taught me directly and indirectly about how to live in the world, make decisions, and become the person that I am. Yes, they, for better or worse, shaped my personality. However, they are not responsible for the decisions that I make now. I can't blame them for where I am now. I am where I am now in my life because of the decisions I have made as an adult. I have made some great decisions and I have made some very ugly decisions. I have made ugly decisions purely out of a hard driven need to practice the joy of avoidance. One day I will elaborate further on this issue, but this post is already a downer so I will stop here while I am barely ahead. Just remember boys and girls, you can't blame your parents for everything bad in your life when your are 36 and have not lived at home full-time since you are 17. You just can't. If you do, then you probably need to return home.

The new album, Narrow Stairs, by the band, Death Cab For Cutie, is coming out this week. Death Cab is both an excellent band and an excellent name for a band. The band's name fits their music nearly perfectly. The best word I can use to describe their music is melancholy. The band's name is dripping with emo driven young adult angst. Perfect. Death Cab's last album, which most of their fan base described as a "sell-out", was released three years ago and was one of their better efforts. I have been looking forward to this release for several months for two reasons. First, this year so far in music has been completely mediocre. There have been no releases so far this year that I can say is better than a 3.0 GPA album. There have been too many albums that have had too many throw away songs. There have been three releases that I have this year that I have enjoyed after further listening: Elbow, The Seldom Seen Kid; R.E.M., Accelerate; and a cheesy Moscow electronica band called London. London is fronted by a vixen named, hold your hats everyone!, Lolitta! On Lolitta's website, Lolitta.ru, she claims that she is 16 and has numerous photos and videos wearing extremely short English school girl skirts. She also has a completely pathological fetish over anything Harry Potter. There is a link from her web site to the band's website, which leads to another site where you can download for free their album. The band has had a number of appearances on Russia MTV. Yes, there is such a thing. It is a bad year for music when I am listing a cheesy Russian electroncia band fronted by a singer who is openly trying to lure sex offenders as one of my favorites so far this year. No wonder she gets 5,000,000 hits a day on her website. I am praying that Death Cab's album will get this year in music back on track. Secondly, I think...I forgot. Let's move on.

Whitewater Hillary is losing superdelegates to Oprah Obama. It is time to put an end to this thing. It is time for Hillary to move on. It is time for her to throw in the towel. I suspect that she will wait as long as possible hoping that Obama will end up in a scandal involving oceanfront hotels and "light refreshments" followed by "socializing." I guess it could happen to anyone.

One of the Bush twins is off the market...officially. Knowing her track record she was not officially off the market until she said "I do" and I suspect that even that does not make it complete certain. Nonetheless, she is technically "unavailable", which makes her completely attractive to me...on second thought, even I will pass on her.

I do have a crush though...I have had this crush for quite awhile....jfjwfkjwehfkjewhgfklerhhekjlghjkehlkjhewrjkglhjkglhekjlghwekjlhgkjle.....(that's my head hitting the keyboard as I just got tasered by the bunny living in my house.)

Tomorrow you will get the now infamous Zito-Jones update!!!

On The Loose

It is about 10:45 pm Eastern Time and I am overlooking the ocean, half-drunk on damn fine beer, and chatting up the woman in the hotel room next to mine.  It's true.  I am on the loose in Virginia Beach at another conference.  I am all about conferences in locales that also double as resorts.  This is perfect.  The hotel I am at is a distance from the VABeach Boardwalk, which from my oceanfront balcony are glimmering orange lights in the distance.  I am watching F-16 fighter jets buzz the hotel up the street on their way to crash their planes into the Naval Base nearly five miles away.  Boy, the fire is terrific.  The wind has picked up and the salt air feels just like...salt air.  I need more beer.  I'll be right back.

It is now past 10:45 pm.  Still on a hotel balcony overlooking the ocean.  I am still aware of some of my senses.  I can still read the keyboard though I have an overwhelming need to take my clothes off and try to jump into the pool from the balcony.  This explains all those deaths at spring break from people jumping off balconies.  They are drunk and thinking they can fly.  

I just watched Kobe Bryant pick up his first career NBA MVP Award.  I think the whole thing is completely off-base.  Kobe is one of the best players in the league.  He is a Hall of Fame player on the first ballot.  He has a number of rings.  Yet, this year he is not even the MVP of his team.  The MVP on his team is actually Pau Gasol.  In fact, Kobe should just hand over his trophy to Pau right there on the court.  If it was not for Pau then Kobe would be watching Chris Paul of the Hornets lift the award to a bunch of screaming hooligans and an owner who is a sleaze bag in The Big Easy.  Up until the trade that brought Pau to LA, the Lakers were a middle of the road Western Conference team with few folk thinking they could win the title.  Now, the Lakers are a #1 seed in the toughest conference and the team to beat (next to the Celtics) for the title.  Pau gave the Lakers an inside athletic presence and another option on the floor.  Teams could no longer just key on Bryant in order to make someone else beat them.  All the other starters in the floor for the Lakers were shaky and inconsistent at being to provide the help the Kobe needed to lead the Lakers to a higher level than a 45 win team.  Gasol has the athleticism to play in the middle, in the paint, and to clog up the middle on defense.  He has been consistent throughout his time in gang title town which is much more than anyone else on the floor could say (except Kobe).  Furthermore, I am opposed to Kobe getting the MVP when he was openly trying to get himself traded to anywhere but Atlanta because he did not like his team, his coach, and his bosses.  He slammed everyone all summer and now he's the MVP.  What's next?  Naming Roger Clemens as the AL Cy Young this year?

Can someone tell me why I am attracted to women who are completely unavailable at any deeper level?  I chase women who are emotionally, sexually, or intellectually unavailable on a consistent basis (or at all!!!).  This is so ridiculous.  If she is absolutely unavailable (and pretty and smart) then I am attracted to her like a gerbil to a wheel or an addict to a needle.I know that it is totally insane to do this.  However, I have done it more times than I can count.  The worst part of it is that I have married someone who fits this twice already.  Is there a point where I would learn not to commit myself to those people who are not able to commit fully to me?  Is this too much to ask for myself?  I should never be let loose alone in a city with access to beer and women.  Period.  It's bad news in the end.  Trust me.  Gone there too many times and have the cut marks (from broken beer bottles and steak knives) to prove it.  

11:10 pm:  All is quiet.  Except the waves of regret and passion smashing into the shores of my consciousness.  Good grief.  I am a dope.

11:11 pm: When will my neighbor next store come back?  She seems interesting and attractive (and probably totally unavailable, which obviously means that I am in to her even though I just met her thirty minutes ago).  I need to stop.

11:13 pm: The planes have learned their lessons about crashing into the local naval base causing such a beautiful fire.  They have stopped flying all together.  Now I can only hear the waves, the wind, and my sanity crashing on the concrete below.  FORE!!

11:16 pm: What the hell am I doing here?  Where did the UFO come from?  Cut!!!

1:00 am:  What have I been doing for the last hour and a half or so?  Talking to the attractive and interesting woman next store.  That's what.  Also, adding more beers and cigarettes to the mounting count.  Who is counting?  I stopped somewhere around one awhile back.  I am trying to figure out when I need to wake up in the morning to have some visual and physical sanity left.  During my conversation that bordered on being flirty (Is this even a word?) with the woman next store (I am not mentioning names) the battery died on the laptop.  So now I am pathetically typing as the battery is being recharged.  This is the curse of bloggers with laptops.  I did have fun talking to the woman next store (and, yes, it appears that she is also unavailable...I told you...I'm attracted to the unavailable...it's a curse.  I can go hundreds of miles from home and it will still be the same...told you!)

1:10 am:  I forgot.

1:12 am: Uh...I still forgot.

1:15 am: What would happen if?

1:16 am: Don't even think about it.  I know how the mind works.  It twists things into beautiful patterns of rationalizations and innuendos.  It happens every time.  Just stop now.

Go to sleep.

1:18 am: I just remembered what I wanted to write about.  The primaries in North Carolina and Indiana were yesterday.  Oprah Obama won in North Carolina easily and almost pulled out of dramatic comeback in Indiana.  I hate to say it, but I think it is time to end this Democratic race.  I really did not want anyone to pull out because the race was so close.  I have been torn about all the candidates.  However, the writing is on the wall.  Whitewater Hillary is not going to win.  The math does not pan out in her favor.  Eventually, Obama is going to get the delegates that he needs to win the nomination.  It is time for Hillary to bow out.  This was not her year.  We all thought at one point that it would be.  We all planned that she would run in 2008 and she could win it all.  Tough luck and a Kennedy like speaker figure rose from the ranks in rapid succession (you could see it coming as far back as 2002).   I remember when Obama won the election to get into Congress.  I heard him speak and it reminded me of a Kennedy speaking.  It was uplifting, eloquent, and inspiring.  I knew then that many years later he would be on the verge of a big-time White House run.  I said to myself: "He could be President and he, too, could diddle an intern with a cigar."  It is time for Hillary (who also had her own vision for dealing with interns) to fold.  The Dems should now rally together to win what should be an easy election.

1:26 am:  I have done enough for one night.

 

Your Zito-Jones Update And A Thought About The Derby

Now your favorite Monday blog entry!!!

Your Barry Zito-Andruw Jones update.  Both make somewhere near $14 million a year and for what?   Both have the most insane contracts in baseball when one looks at what they are paid contrasted with their production.  Zito is a former Cy Young Award winner who had a 94 MPH fastball and a curve ball that rolled off a table.  Jones hit 51 home runs a couple of years ago.  Now?  Zito's fastball is now around 80 MPH and his curveball now resembles a broken flattened comma.  Jones is on pace to strike out twice as many times as getting a hit.  

Well worth the money.  Sad that any fan paying for a ticket, buying merchandise, and watching the Extra Innings packages are paying for it.  But, hey don't worry we are all paying for a war that was supposed to have won five years ago and $4 million a gallon for gas.

BARRY ZITO:

Barry got "demoted" to the bullpen right after the last post.  He stated in the local media that his problems on the mound were mostly "mental" and that he was not injured.  Either way he is mechanically all over the place.  I don't think that he is injured physically.  I just sense that his brain is not connected to his body and his mechanics are completely haywire (not using his legs for increased velocity).  There has been no change in his numbers since he has not been used for nearly ten days now.

W-L:   0-6           ERA:    7.53             SO:  11             WHIP:  1.95

ANDRUW JONES:

The Dodgers had their eight game winning streak snapped by Colorado on Sunday.  Andruw was a complete non factor going 3 for 16 with no homers and five strike outs.  He got the day off on Thursday and on Sunday, but according to his manager, Joe Torre, he will continue to play regularly in order to get our of his slump.  Andruw's slump is now over a month long and he is on track to strike out 186 times and hit five home runs.  Interesting stat?   Jones has 16 hits and 15 walks as well as 34 strike outs.  I will not rest until he is introduced as a Las Vegas 51 (the Dodgers Triple AAA team) where he will swing at curve balls nine feet off the plate (instead of five feet now) against a Sacramento Bee.  The other question I have is:  If Andruw stops hitting homers what will his hot girlfriend do (see above pic)?   Because everybody knows:  "Chicks dig the loonnng balllll" 

AVG.:   .163           HR:   1              RBI:    4            OBP:    .274

Just a note on the tragedy at the Kentucky Derby on Saturday evening which was incredibly sad and surreal.  On one side we have the unfiltered joy of a victory for the owners, trainers, and jockey for Big Brown after a clearly dominant and decisive race.  As we saw pictures of celebration and joyful interviews in front of TV cameras, Eight Belles was being euthanized right on the track.  Incredibly sad and surreal.  Even more jarring for me is hearing the trainer for Eight Belles, Larry Jones clearly indicate that she "gladly gave her life" to racing.  I need your help with this.  I don't know much of anything about horse racing.  I don't know much about horses period.  So I am not going on a rant about racing being unethical, inhumane, or dangerous.  I don't know enough to make a cogent opinion.  It's just that my immediate reaction to Mr. Jones was to say "WTF!  A horse chose to give her life to racing???   Am I crazy or just naive???"  Please tell me if I am off base.  The other thing that I have found out that the mortality rate on the track of race horses is 1.9 deaths per 1,000 races.  With as many races that go off around the country each day that translates to two deaths a day.  Does this make sense?  Is this acceptable?  Help me.

Boston Massacre

I wanted to be the first person to type in the above title. It is ten minutes till three in the afternoon and the score of Game 7 between Atlanta and Boston is:

Boston 72 Atlanta 37

There is two and a half minutes left in the third quarter. The game is essentially finished and I suspect that there will be even more blood letting in the next few minutes. Marvin Williams was run out of the game earlier for slamming Rajon Rondo to the court in an obvious attempt to injure under the guise of stopping an easy lay-up. This marked the end of the game, the series, and the season. Atlanta at that point had been shooting under thirty percent from the field and only had been on the free throw line for four shots. The Hawks had completely done the exact opposite of what worked in Game 6. They played one on one. They took too many perimeter shots. They allowed the Celtics to man-handle them throughout the game. They lost their composure. They played like youngsters.

I can't be too hard on this team though. I'd like to, but I simply can't. Though this loss is embarrassing to say the least. The Hawks have left their mark on the first round of the play-offs. They have left their mark on the Celtics by providing the blue-print for possibly the Cavs and the Pistons to knock them off. They have left their mark on their fans.

The Hawks played in Boston ten years ago in an epic Game 7 match-up. Doc Rivers was the point guard for the Hawks. The Celtics were led by their Big 3 of Bird, McHale, and Parrish. The Hawks had the "Human Highlight Reel" Dominique Wilkins. What people may not remember is that the Hawks had been up 3-2 in the series and played Game 6 in Atlanta. They lost Game 6 in Atlanta and despite Dominique's 47 points lost a bitter kick to the knee Game 7 to the Celtics in Boston. The Hawks, at that moment, were at their zenith with the city of Atlanta and their fans. They sold out nearly every game in the Omni (a horrible but cute arena) and there was a buzz about them all over town. After Game 7, it was all gone. Nine straight years of losing records, diminishing crowds, changes in ownership, and two uniform changes followed. The ownership group is one of the most inept and disorganized in all of sports. Coach Woodson and GM Billy Knight (no relation to a chair throwing psychopath of a coach by the same name) don't talk to each other despite their life-long friendship. The GM is one of the worst in the history of sports. Taking Sheldon Williams over Chris Paul in the draft two years ago should be enough to convince anyone that GM Knight has been terrible and should be sent to Siberia with Isiah Thomas and the Siberian Ice Queen. Sorry, I can't let that one go.

This series despite it's seventeen total technicals should be the coming of age for this young team. Despite looking terrible, jittery, and in awe in Games 1,2, (and 7) they played with energy, chemistry, heart, and courage by standing up against absurd odds to a more talented and more experienced team and took them all the way to the edge. They played with composure and unselfishness. They stood up from the mat when it mattered. They came together. They showed how talented and young they are. A nucleus of Williams, Josh Smith, JJ, Horford, and Law has shown to have huge up-side potential as seen in this play-off run. The team is full of talent and fierce athleticism. The fans were energized by the young Hawks run. A buzz fell onto the city of Atlanta about the Hawks for the first time in ten years. It would be an absolute shame and travesty for the ownership group to continue their pattern of gross malpractice and misconduct by breaking the team apart. Let's hope that despite the ownership's basic instinct to make irrational business moves that they can stay together to build on their enormous progress and potential. I am convinced that the GM needs to go before the next draft in the hopes that someone else will be picking the next first and second round draft choices. This may mean that Woodson may have to go as well. However, there are a number of top coaches out there for the taking with huge potential to turn the Hawks into a more cogent, organized, and more disciplined squad. The fans are now back on the team's bandwagon (Bibby's comments about Boston's fans also hold true for Atlanta fans times 300). There is now too much potential that it would be horrible to see it go down the tubes now.

Just like in 1988.

Everyones Favorite Family Cold War Update

I am still in the midst of a Mountain Dew hang over from last night's celebration of the Hawks keeping their season alive and giving Mike Woodson one more game to coach before his bosses ax him for leading the team to the play-offs. They did it last fall to the Thrashers coach after he led them to their first ever play-off appearance. At least in that case Bob Hartley was actually on speaking terms with the GM. With Coach Baldy it's a different matter.

However, enough about the Hawks.

People have asked for another Family Cold War (that turned hot) update for this week. As it stands today, we in the Fox4NX household are only at about a DefCon 3. That level was reduced from 2 (1 is full-out war) today. It is a fragile peace. Earlier in the week, the superpowers in the home realized (what a shock!) that their world had some significant environmental issues. Russia (my ex) continued to lay out vast amounts of propaganda in order to prove her point that the U.S. (me) was unresponsive, uncaring, emotionally bankrupt, and had stolen all the toilet paper. Again, as with most of Russia's propaganda it took the form of old baggage from several days and weeks ago that she decided that now was the time to unleash it on an unsuspecting world. The U.S. admits that, at times, he is emotionally bankrupt and unresponsive. It is the same song and dance (the waltz at quarter speed) that has been going on since the Treaty of Virginia was enacted in 2002. It was this treaty that led to the current uneasy alliance. However, neither side in each other's opinions has lived up to all the points in that treaty. Thus, the two superpowers are where they are now. In a cyclical blame game of unmet wishes and mandates. The other side wishes not to live up to their end of the deal as long as the other does not in return live up to theirs. So, all the tanks and missiles are lined up across the borders. The current peace of today is as uneasy and fragile as Jennifer Aniston and TomKat.

North Korea (played extremely well by our 12 year old daughter) has ratcheted down it's propaganda in return for favors. After attacking nearly everyone over the previous weekend, Kim Jong Il has decided for the time being that it is not worth it to piss everyone else off. The U.S. denied several requests by North Korea to lift sanctions citing that Kim Jong was only being nice now in order to get what (s)he wanted. So far, very few sanctions have been lifted against North Korea and it is only a matter of time where there will be a RPG battle with Russia over PopTarts and Fanta. The U.S. has decided that in an effort to avoid another full out nuclear attack that he will stay out of any battle involving Russia and North Korea. The U.S. further states that if the czarina of Russia requests aid during a battle over anything involving more than food rations and soda trafficking that it will provide assistance.

FAMILY DEFCON LEVEL: 3 (medium salsa)