Running Diary With Dippy

Dippy and I are here tonight preparing for Game 1 of the NBA Finals in the capital of the state of Virginia, Richmond. One of my favorite places in my heart to live even though when I lived here there were at least three murders a day and more crack than Amy Winehouse and Tatum O'Neal could handle in a week...maybe. Dippy on the other hand also loves Richmond for probably different reasons. Though I am not sure. We are going to do a running diary together as we try to count off the minutes to the first tip of the Lakers-Celtics series. We are in a horrible hotel room watching the TV eating from Bottoms Up Pizza (the best pizza place I have ever frequented...a Richmond staple.)

8:04 pm: Dippy: The Tru Network who used to be Court TV has this show called "Speeders" where there is a camera crew rolling with a traffic cop. On this episode, they are rolling with the North Las Vegas PD. Great. They pulled over an absolute bitch who is "freaking grumpy" when she doesn't it.
Fox: I get grumpy when I don't eat. I threaten to eat roadkill or someones cat if I don't get dinner on time.
Dippy: So what did you do to my rabbit Fluffy a couple days ago. She disappeared.
Fox: I don't know a damn thing about that.
Dippy: Now the show is playing music from CHiPs.
Fox: Exactly. Is this a real show? I mean are these real cops?
Dippy: Of course, they are. It's TV. It's gotta be real.
Fox: Just like the blood on your razors?
Dippy: Exactly....by the way...eeeeehhhhh.....
Fox: Here we go.

8:09 pm: Dippy: This Ahmed guy they have pulled over is more selfish than Kobe.
Fox: But Kobe isn't selfish anymore from what I hear.
Dippy: The only reason why he isn't selfish is because he is the best player on the court. He is so much better than all of his teammates. He is the guy. We've been over this. This isn't new.
Fox: Just like your cut marks aren't new?
Dippy: These cut marks were made days ago.
Fox: You just did that one three minutes ago.

8:12 pm: Fox: Now they are showing a commercial for Yaz that apparently is a birth control pill.
Dippy: Would you feel confident about your birth control pill if it were named "Yaz?"
Fox: Why not? Shouldn't all of our medications sound like drinks you could order at a bar?
Dippy: Like we should re-name Prozac something like "Spark"?
Fox: And re-name Xanax into like...the "Slide."

8:15 pm: Fox: We are with Officer Dotel of the Chattanooga PD. Chattanooga, Tennessee has got to be the 14th ring of hell. The lady he just pulled over is probably a stripper at one of those all night diners they have down there. She weighs about 425 pounds.
Dippy: eeehhh...She probably has a tumor the size of an orange.
Fox: That isn't funny. I mean. Do you really need a cancer blast?
Dippy: My life is a cancer.
Fox: Just stop. "My life is a cancer." WWWaaaaa!!!
Dippy: Stop making fun of me. Stop making fun of me you asshole!!...eeehhh...(55 second pause)
Fox: You make my point. Hey!!! Keep that off the food.
Dippy: You'll be Jesus if you drink it.
Fox: OK. Let's move on. (45 second pause) So whose going to win this series?
Dippy: What?
Fox: Who is going to win this series?
Dippy: Big Brown.
Fox: That's the horse race this weekend. I am talking about the series.
Dippy: Well, you promised the readers they would get a pick from you on the Belmont Stakes. You have to do what you promised.
Fox: No, I don't. I got married once and vowed not to flirt with waitresses, drink hard booze, and cheat. I mean that didn't seem to work out. No one should really take what I say literally anyways. No. They shouldn't. I need another beer. Get me another beer, maggot.
Dippy: (Handing over a beer) So what is your pick for the Belmont? Big Brown is a 2-5 odds.
Fox: Well, unless I do an trifecta with Big Brown winning I am not going to make any money on picking him. His trainer, Richard Dutrow, appears to be a big scum bag. I heard him basically guarantee that his horse would win. He comes off as bad as TO. He also has that cracked toe issue. This has another disaster on the track written all over it.

8:35 pm: Dippy: This Speeders show can not be real. The "cop" is letting two women who look like hookers dance on the sidewalk like pole dancers and they are going to get off the ticket.
Fox: They're lucky that they don't have to do more than just dance.
Dippy: Well, the camera is on...eeehhh...(25 second pause).
Fox: So do you mix the pain and sex together?
Dippy: Yeah, sure.
Fox: You're still a virgin aren't you?
Dippy: Stop!!!!
Fox: So we were talking about the Belmont. I do not think that Big Brown will win. He'll get second. Casino Drive is a good 10-3 line. I am taking him to win a longer race. Guadalcanal will get third.
Dippy: Do you know anything about horse racing?
Fox: No. I just bet on who I think will win.
Dippy: But, you have no idea how to pick who you think will win. You're just looking at the odds and whether or not you like the odds.
Fox: When in doubt. Look at the lines. No, seriously. I don't think Big Brown is going to win. I think that the toe will come back to haunt him. It's a longer race and he isn't going to be able to keep the pace for the whole time. I think Casino Drive is the favorite to beat him.

8:43 pm: Dippy: So we're watching the pre-game now. I couldn't handle watching the Speeders show. I mean unless there was like real sex going on I don't want to watch it.
Fox: So your priorities are in order.
Dippy: A segment on Kobe. Back on the 30th of May last year he was talking about getting traded out of LA. Now, he's talking about his teammates as "his boys" a year later. What a tool.
Fox: A tool that is your only hope to win a NBA title in the next two decades. He is the best player in the league. He is a "killa" on the court.
Dippy: And a rapist off of it.
Fox: The charges went away. He did not have to go to trial. He's presumed innocent.
Dippy: Something did happen in that hotel room.
Fox: Well, of course it did. I know it did. He got his groove on with a Colorado chick and it went down bad and there you go.
Dippy: Speaking of hotel rooms. I heard you had an interesting time in the hotel in Charlottesville recently. They really should never let you go to any conferences.
Fox: Let's say that my image of psychologists has changed. I used to think that they were very uptight and not very personable. All those contact with rats and mazes and everything just messes with their brains. They don't learn how to relate to people. So this one we met at the hotel. She definitely was personable.
Dippy: Wasn't she completely loaded?
Fox: Sure. There was no way she could make it back to her room on her own without help at the end.
Dippy: Didn't she try at one point to get you to grope her?
Fox: Look. There was no groping. She did grab my arms on multiple occasions and at one point pulled my arms down over the top of her head from behind. I am not sure what she wanted. She was feeling no pain as they say. Let's just let it go.

8:55 pm: Dippy: Who the hell is that singing the national anthem? He sucks. This is horrible.
Fox: It's James Taylor. He's been dead for twenty years.
Dippy: This is awful. This sucks.
Fox: Anything that isn't Trent Reznor sucks to you.
Dippy: Reznor is a fucking sell-out.
Fox: They're introducing the Lakers now at the Garden. Oh, it's the TD Waterhouse Garden now. The Garden now isn't the real Garden. The real Boston Garden was always 100 degrees during the Finals. That was special.
Dippy: Here we go. They go the cheesy intro music now for the Celtics. How over dramatic.
Fox: You should talk.
Dippy: eeeehhh...(45 second pause)...eh..there it is.
Fox: So whose your pick for the series?
Dippy: I think the Lakers are going to win in six.
Fox: You have to look at how the series is broken down in terms of who the home team is. Games 1 and 2 are in Boston, the next three in LA, and then the last two, if it gets that far are back in Boston. So LA needs to at least win one game in Boston before going to LA, which I think they can do. But, I don't think that LA will win all three in LA though. So for a Game 6 and 7 they are in Boston. If it gets that far, then I think Boston could pull it out.
Dippy: eeeehhhh....(55 second pause)

9:21 pm: Dippy: So the game has started now. KG has already scored four points and the game is tied.
Fox: The crowd is wearing stupid white T-shirts that say "Gotta Beat LA." This fad of having the whole crowd in one color need to now just go away. It's so stupid now. How sorry do you have to be as a fan base that you need to wear the same color t-shirt to get into the game. You shouldn't have to do that. The Boston fans just have proven how horrible they are as fans. You shouldn't need t-shirts, jumbotrons, and cheerleaders to help you be a part of the game. LA fans are not going to wear the same colored shirts. They know all they need to know to be in the game and urge their team on. They don't need props. If your team's fans need props to get "into it" then it's how demeaning it is that your sex buddy needs "toys" and other things to get off. It's the same concept.
Dippy: So no whips and chains for you?
Fox: No. I don't anything like that. I know you do.
Dippy: Stop making fun of me! Stop making fun of me!
Fox: Get out. Put the beer down. Get out.