Running Diary: Sunday Night NBA Finals Game 5

9:11 pm: It's 5-0 LA, one of the refs looks like he is a gangster. Are all the NBA refs look like they are on the take? Why won't anyone investigate this? It has taken Boston nearly three minutes to score. This is starting to look very much the last game where LA choked like a cat in a laundry mat.

9:13: Bad defense by Gasol. As I suspected he has been over matched mentally and physically throughout the series. What I am wondering is whether or not the effect of having multiple key players on the Lakers side who are European who have played like...Europeans... against a tougher Celtics team is a difference. To me, it appears that it has made a difference. The European players on the Lakers have looked like on several occasions that they are about to throw up on Jack Nicholson's shoes any minute. Several players I am sure have thrown up in their mouths.

9:16: Finally!! A European player shows a brief two seconds of toughness as Gasol manages to hustle to the ball on the rim and get fouled for a three point play.

9:17: Boston calls a timeout as the game is beginning to get a little out of hand. 18-5 Lakers. I am unhappy that the Lakers carted themselves out wearing their white gear. I hate that uniform. They are only to wear yellow and blue. None of this pansy white uni bullshit. Did one of the European players come up with that stupid idea. Let's wear white uniforms tonight!!! We'll look really snazzy. The Lakers don't need snazzy. They need wins.

9:20: I am a blue puppy. I thought I would just say that.

9:21: I wonder if anyone has thought of stabbing Pierce like eleven times before this game. Just a thought. It's happened before.

9:25: Kobe has already been named MVP. Stop chanting "MVP" Laker fans. He didn't deserve it, but he won it anyways.

9:27: In an instant replay of Game 4, the Lakers are blowing out Boston early and lead by 16. Except this time Kobe is involved in the game this time. They need Kobe to take over. The Lakers absolutely can not let the game get into the hands of players that have too many vowels in their names. Also, please do not give us Michael Jackson tunes as you go into chimerical. It's in real bad taste with his allegiance to Qatar and all. Or is it Dubai? Who cares.

9:32: Garnett just got his second foul. This is what LA needs. They need Garnett to go into his crazy person routine and get himself fouled out of the game or maybe get a couple of technicals for yelling at Dyan Cannon's hair.

9:34: I wonder if Luke Walton talks as crazy as his dad, Bill Walton. Now that is a guy that has got to be smoking a lot of dope all the time. He talks just like a pot guy. All over the map leading to absolutely nowhere. I have to say that I like Bill Walton a lot. I did my first ever book report on him like a million years ago. I did not realize into much later that Portland, Oregon was probably the best place for him to play professional ball after leaving UCLA. Especially with all the naturally growing "vegetation" in Oregon.

9:38: It's that baby commercial with the clown. It is so perfect. Just remember that Gacy was a clown.

9:39: Lakers up by 17 at the end of the first quarter. The scary thing is that there are three more quarters to go. We went through this a few days ago. Except the Lakers were wearing yellow in that game and Kobe was only yelling at his teammates. Tonight he is yelling at his teammates and scoring points.

9:42: A soccer player just got a basket for the Lakers. How did that happen?

9:44: Posey just got knocked into the Laker girls by a soccer player wearing a Laker jersey. Kobe is going to get real upset about that. Just look at him on the sideline. He's trying to figure out what to do on his next date right about now. Speaking of soccer, I have been watching parts of the Euro 2008 tournament. This is a great tournament so far. It looks like the Netherlands, Portugal, and Spain have the teams to beat. Those three look real strong early. I watched Russia play Greece yesterday where Greece got knocked out 1-0 when their goalie made an absolutely bone head play for the ball way out of the box and the Russian player kicked back to the middle of the zone where his team mate had an empty net shot. Ugly way to get knocked out of a tournament when you are the defending champion. Russia is not going to make it out of this round as they have to play Sweden on Wednesday. Sweden is the second best team in the group and had their hearts ripped from them by Spain in extra time 2-1 on another bone head defensive play on the ball. There is no way that guy should have been able to get past a double team with the ball to get it through to the net two minutes into extra time. Insane. Sweden will take out years of military losses to Russia by beating them into the ground in a couple of days. Of course, you have to remember that it was Russia who knocked out England during qualifying.

9:51: As expected, the Celtics now have pulled to within 11. The Euro 2008 players on the Lakers team are about to throw up on one of Laker girls. When that happens Kobe will go ballistic because he'll have to deal with sloppy seconds tonight.

9:52: The lead is now nine. Watch out, Paula!!

9:53: Key moment of the game. Garnett just got foul number three after hacking Gasol as he tried to get to the basket. Tough call there. I would not have called a foul there. I wonder how much that ref got paid to make that call. Garnett sits down for the half. He should have gotten a T as he was walking to the bench.

9:55: The Laker defense has completely fallen apart and so has the rest of the team. They can not afford to have Kobe and Fisher sit for long stretches on the bench. When that happens the Euro 2008 players are on the court which only creates a soccer game when no one scores. The result? A 15-0 run.

9:58: Dippy e-mailed me today stating that he had gotten a puppy. He said that he named him Phillip. I asked him what kind of puppy it was and he said in a bizarre text message that it was a "resistance puppy." We need to have Phillip on with Dippy next time. That should be fun. What the hell is a "resistance puppy?" Can someone help me with this?

10:01: I can tell that I am not a true Laker fan because I am actually caring that they have blown another big lead. Posey and Gasol just got tangled up under the basket on the floor. Don't worry folks. Gasol is like a Euro 2008 player he's not going to actually fight anyone. He'll call their mother or sister a name and get head butted...in the chest. That's all.

10:04: Let me apologize to all the soccer fans out there. I actually love soccer. I follow soccer a great deal. I follow it much more than most other stupid American sports degenerates who are hopped up on DayQuil and Concerta. It's just that European soccer players don't belong playing in NBA Finals games. They belong...playing soccer games. Does anyone really want to see Kobe or Garnett trying to play in a Euro 2008 game against Portugal? They would get red carded after five minutes for trying to take the head off an opposing player. Of course, it would be interesting what would happen if Luke Walton and Kobe ended up playing in Amsterdam some time.

10:08: Radmonovich just got yellow carded!!! One more and he's gone. Sorry, I couldn't resist. I just couldn't.

10:10: Kobe has just gone into anti-Kobe mode. He's now passing to everyone and not being aggressive. It's either all or nothing. He either takes all the shots or takes none. Farmar just air balled it from three point land after the Lakers took way too many passes. Kobe needs to take over the series. He can. Does anyone want the game to be decided by Farmar and Radmonovich?

10:12: Fisher and Allen just got yellow carded!!! Uh-oh.

10:13: Another pass by Kobe to Farmar for another three point shot which he misses. Kobe had an open three, but gave the ball up again. That can't happen if the Lakers are to win this game. It just can't. It's like sending your ex-girlfriend to buy condoms for you and your new girl-friend. In either case, you are asking for problems.

10:16: If I weren't a Laker fan I would be really really upset. The Lakers were up by 19 and waiting for the Oswald kill shot and then they went cold. They let Euro 2008 players roll into the game and they started to play like...Euro 2008 players. They completely stopped playing any type of assertive defense. Kobe decided that he scored enough points and passed up shot after shot. He ended up scoring a big fat zero points in the second quarter. The Celtics pushed the physical intensity and broke the Lakers down again. Pierce scored fifteen in the quarter and again made his case for the series MVP. They have now pulled to within three at the half. They have all the momentum. Gasol at the buzzer put his hands on his head as if to say "I can't believe this is happening...again" except in a Spanish accent. Do the Lakers want to win this game? Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't want to have see Kobe's face for another four months. I don't know.

10:22: Bill Walton is on babbling about how he can't understand the Lakers. It's easy, Bill!! Put down the joint. The Lakers are a finesse team. The Celtics are a physical team. In this case and in most cases in today's NBA the most physical team wins (unless you are the Pistons in any play-off series where they did not win the title). The only way the Lakers will be able to do anything is if they go back to what they do best, which is to quicken the pace and attack the basket more aggressively by speeding up the transition game. It might also help if they would play defense.

10:27: I can't watch this Walton father-son piece. It's a mess. I can't do it. I just can't. Bill needs to put the pot down. At least he shaved that beard.

10:31: I am taking a half-time break in order to ingest more DayQuil and Ritalin shots. That is some great stuff. I wonder what Dippy and Phillip "The Resistance Puppy" are doing. I wonder. Maybe I should try calling.

10:32: I forgot to mention that I am still on call. I have been on-call for emergency psychiatric services since 5 pm on Friday. I am not off until sometime in the next ten hours. I am taking the day off tomorrow so I am not sweating it. However, I may have to abruptly end this diary at any minute. How exciting!!!

10:36: Did anyone see Tiger Woods over the weekend? He's walking around all over the course using his club as a cane, wincing in pain after key shots, and MAKING CRAZY SHOTS. He led the Open by one stroke going into today and was not able to pull off the win. He had to hit a clutch 20 foot putt on 18 just to tie a golfer named Rocco. So there will be a death match play-off tomorrow afternoon. Tiger vs. Rocco. My money is going to be on Tiger. It will be close, but I see Tiger pulling it off. I know. This prediction is not a stretch. However, I did notice that in the key fourth round of the tournament where Tiger usually finishes off his prey that he shot his worst round of the tournament. He shot a 73. Hmmm...

10:40: Well, the Lakers continue to slide into the La Brea tar pits. They passed up easy lay-ups and played embarrassing defense and have allowed the Celtics to take the lead. The Lakers don't deserve to win. This is absolutely a mess.

10:42: Finally!! Kobe chases down a ball and hits a fade away and gets the foul. He HAS TO TAKE OVER. I need to write a letter to Phil Jackson. It's too late. Way too late. Isn't Jackson dating the bosses daughter? That next family dinner is going to suck when he blows this game like Tonya Harding in the men's bathroom at a biker bar in Cincinnati. Wait a minute!!! Isn't Tonya from Oregon? It all makes sense now.

10:44: Another stupid defensive series by the Lakers. They left Rondo wide open for a jumper. Just stupid. Jack Nicholson should just take over coaching the team right now. He should tell Jackson: "You CAN'T HANDLE THE KOBE!!!" followed by a kick in the man package.

10:46: I am losing it. That last entry was just stupid. Just like the Lakers defense. And Bill Walton's teeth.

10:52: Just watched a promo for the new movie Hellboy II. I just pulled up Ron Perlman's filmography. He has over 150 credits dating back to 1975 when he was on Ryan's Hope. However, he's going to be known for only for two roles: Hellboy and Vincent from the TV show Beauty and the Beast. Fun.

10:55: I must be in some sort of major haze caused by all the Diet Pepsi I drank with the Ritalin shots. Did I just see the Lakers go out to a seven point lead? How did that happen? Did something happen? Did aliens take over? Did my cat just eat that blue pill on the floor? Did I mention that I am a blue puppy?

10:57: It took ABC close to two hours to show us the celebrities in the crowd. What is David Spade doing? The Lakers ARE actually up by seven. They appear to be playing more aggressively and there are less Euro 2008 players on the court. However, they still look like they are being worn down. They are having too many mental and physical breakdowns.

11:02: Michelle Tafoya just referred to Doc Rivers having a brain in his head. Are people in Boston surprised? What would his image in Boston be like if the Celtics actually finished this thing off? Doc has been skewered every day he has been coach of the Celtics. Even during the play-offs and the Finals he has been criticized relentlessly by Boston fans and writers. Does that change if he wins? How could he be that bad if he leads this team to a title? From what I can see he may not be the best strategist out there, but he appears to motivate his team when they need it the most. Is that bad? Just wondering. People have compared him to Grady Little who was blamed for leaving Pedro in too long in the AL Series Game 6 against the Yankees and then got fired after the Red Sox blew the series...only to have the Sox win the World Series the next year. Would that happen to Doc if he blows this?

11:09: The Lakers are somehow up by six. However, they are still playing listless on defense and passing up easy shots for stupid long range jump shots that they can't make consistently. It's like passing up dating the easy pretty girl/boy for the middle of the road looking ice boy/girl who won't put out. Notice I am trying not to be sexist??? That is the new me!!! Thanks to DayQuil and Ritalin shots I actually think these thoughts through. Viva Ritalin!!! Viva Ritalin!!!

11:14: Phillip the Resistance Puppy called to let me know that Dippy is working the bar at the Wyndham Hotel at Virginia Beach tonight. It must be "Swingers Night" at the hotel tonight. I still do not know what a Resistance Puppy is. Can anyone tell me? I am wondering if it is some sort of sexual thing. However, we are talking about a puppy.

11:17: Odom took a knee in the man package from Pierce. Good one taking one for the team. Somehow it is wrong that Pierce was the one who ended up at the free throw line in this case. Anyways the Lakers are up by nine to start the 4th quarter.

11:18: Nice recovery by Odom who just hit a three point shot to put the Lakers up by 12. I can;t figure this out, but it appears that the Celtics are now the team that is becoming sloppy. They have had major stretches in the play-offs where the team gets haphazard and starts making unforced turnovers on the offensive side the ball. That appears to be what is happening here. Except with a good team (unlike the Hawks, Cavs, and Pistons) the Lakers can make them pay for it.

11:20: Another baby trading chimerical with the puking clown loving baby. The baby apparently has grown some hair and gotten a Blackberry. Watching the baby exclaim: "What a bad girl" when getting an e-mail is rather creepy. Am I the only one who feels this way?

11:23: Finally!! Two big things just happened. One, Farmar took the ball to the basket instead of passing the ball off for a contested shot. Two, Gasol just aggressively grabbed a rebound and was fouled on the play. This is what the Lakers must keep doing. Lakers now up by 14.

11:25: Lakers now up by twelve. They are pushing the ball up the court. They are playing more aggressively. They are using their speed to their advantage. One of the Euro players got thrown down by the Celtics token space alien. How does that happen? The alien is about 6000 years old.

11:29: Great shot by Kobe. Now is time for him to take over the game. We are half way through the fourth quarter. The Lakers up by 11. The Celtics are determined to make another comeback and finish them off. My cat apparently is hallucinating right now. He's crawled into a drawer and is singing Falco's Rock Me Amadeus.

11:33: More ridiculous defense by the Lakers and Posey hits an open three pointer to cut the lead down to four. The Lakers are playing like virgins on prom night. It's messy, clumsy, and painful. I can see how Bill Simmons gets paid the big bucks to write these horrendously long running diaries. I have been writing this piece for the last two and half hours and I am completely spent. I have got to toughen up. I am not a Euro 2008 blog writer after all.

11:38: The Lakers are actually trying to blow this game. Kobe and Odom need to have the ball. They need to be the ones wo take over. The folk with too many vowels can't handle the pressure that the Celtics defense pushes on them. They just can't have the ball in their hands in this situation. They will act like a cat with too much cat nip. There's less than four minutes left and the Lakers have a small two point lead. The Lakers are having to take tough shots. The Celtics are taking advantage of the Lakers Prevent defense.

11:41: Hmm...Pierce and Garnett just got called for wimpy fouls in the last 10 seconds giving them both five fouls each. The money must have just been wired over into the refs off shore accounts in Bermuda.

11:44: Star Tracker: Kobe, 20 points. Pierce, 34 points. Hmmm...

11:48: Four point game with three minutes left. It's time for Dippy to call in to check on how things are going. I would have to say that the Celtics are playing with more grit and determination than the Lakers. They may not be better, but the Celts are tougher. That is the difference. That is what has given them this series so far.

11:50: Garnett just yaked up two bad free throw shot attempts. He is not a clutch player. I wonder if that perception will change if the Celtics win the series. Just like Eli Manning's changed after the Super Bowl. Maybe not. Bad comparison. Manning actually had a hand in the Giants clinching the victory instead of lucking out that his team won like Garnett. Sorry, Eli. I won't do it again.

11:52: Despite themselves the Lakers are hanging on and it seems that the crowd is actually...dare I say...caring. Key rebound by the Lakers. Kobe just missed a death shot three pointer. Odom is doing his best Rasheed Wallace impression. Pierce is on the line for free throw 18 and 19. This is what you get for putting it to your opponent instead of dancing like a bad prom date with your opponent.

11:55: Bad shot by Fisher. Awww......man......Kobe gets a killa steal and slams it home. That's what "killas" do. They make the key play when it is needed the most. Lakers by 4 now with less than a minute to go. I need more Ritalin to make it through this piece.

11:57: Dippy just called for an update. He is on the 17th floor on the Wyndham. That is one of the floors that you have to use your room key to get to the floor via elevator. It definitely IS Swingers Night.

12:00: Fisher blows free throw No. 1 with 24.8 seconds left....ugh!!!....ok....he makes No. 2. Five point Laker lead. I don't know if the Lakers are winning this game or the Celtics are losing this game due to being haphazard and foolish with the ball. Don't know. I have watched this game and I don't know exactly how the Lakers have managed to be up late in the fourth.

12:03: Lakers up by six. Kobe misses one of two free throws. Less than fifteen seconds left in the game. I would have to say that the Celtics have blown this game. They should have won this game. They are tougher than the other team. They just have played a sloppy game where they gave up the ball too many times, made too many unforced errors, and taken dumb shots as well. I will let Simmons have his take on this game from his side. He'll diagnose the problem in this game.

12:06: Typical for the Celtics. Another sloppy play with the ball resulting in a steal by Fisher. Game over. The Celtics should have won this game. They gave it up. They choked. The Lakers managed to win despite their best effort to tank the series. Maybe Doc is not that great after all.

12:08: As I Love LA flows down from the rafters, the Lakers walk off the court facing the impossible task of trying to win two in Boston. I am spent. The Ritalin has worn off. I have to save my cat from jumping off the roof. Good thing my on-call shift ends in eight hours.