Running Diary: Sunday Night-Game 2

Hello, I am Dippy the Pirate Bear. Fox was going to do a running diary of a segment of Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Celtics and the Lakers, however, he is recuperating from whatever bender he was on during the weekend. So, in any event, he's not doing a diary. He asked me between ham sandwiches if I would go ahead and do it. I told him that I would as long as he did not edit my work and that he would let me start late since I had to be at the hotel on the beach where today it was 489 degrees. I had to take some Valium in order to make it through the day. The kids were absolute monsters. I will never ever have kids. Why Fox has a kid is beyond me. He is crazy to be a parent. He's also very old.

10:30 pm: My Lakers are sucking up the joint again in Boston. Kobe has three fouls, less than 10 points, keeps passing the ball away and taking dumb shots. He looks like the Kobe from last year where you could count on him to choke away a game in the series. The Lakers are down by 12 at half-time. Jack Nicholson is probably scheduling lasik surgery so he doesn't have to watch the Lakers anymore. I don't know about you, but I am sick of Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. I just can't listen to their fake banter back and forth. It's so silly.

10:35 pm: ABC is giving us highlights of the first half. We are watching Paul Pierce and his fake injured knee taking the ball to the net. Didn't Pierce get shanked one night like nine times a few years ago? How did he survive? He is so ugly.

10:37 pm: We simply can't rebound. Or apparently guard a three point shooter. This game sucks.

10:38 pm: Fisher throws up another three-pointer that hits the back of the rim. He had a wide open shot. Does he have eye cancer too?

10:39 pm: Great. Hideous shot of Magic Johnson stuffing his face with popcorn. That is what I feel like doing tonight except I would be stuffing my face with hash brownies. That is what I need to make this game less like watching hours and hours of The Dr. Phil Show.

10:43 pm: Pierce drains another three pointer. They said that he took a cortisone shot to the knee before the game. Is that the same thing as if I shot up heroin before going out on the beach and having kids crawl over me with their dirty hands sticky with soda and dad's beer? Pierce, bad knee or not, is the difference in this series. He can hit shots and Kobe is thinking of banging a call girl at the hotel. Someone needs to warn him about giving the stick to a call girl in Boston. That's apparently, according to Fox, what doomed the Hawks a few weeks ago when they were in Boston.

10:46 pm: This move with Mike Myers looks horrible. I would never go to a movie called the Love Guru. Though Jessica Alba looks kinda hot in a weird sort of way.

10:47 pm: Fox keeps talking about this crush that he has. People who know me keep asking who it is. I don't know exactly who it is, but I do know that he never has a crush on anyone that he doesn't know. He finds some celebrities very attractive (for example, Anne Hathaway), but he does not have a crush on her. Fox has to know the person in order to have a crush on them. That I do know. So this person, whoever she is, he knows her. He has met her in some way. He's had some conversations with her. He may have bought her a star or something.

10:53 pm: We can't seem to rebound the ball on the glass. We've taken a total of three free throw shots the whole game. That means we aren't challenging the Celtics physically. This is just like my last date.

10:54 pm: I am so sick of Mark Jackson's voice. I am thinking of turning the sound down and playing my guitar with my face. That would sound better than listening to that tool on the TV. And the guitar strings would feel good on my face, scratching over all of my zits. Let's try it.

10:55 pm: jkdfgqehgfjwghgfjgewfjkewgfjgewfuykqegfjqkhgilugfugehgfhjer.....aaaahhhhh

10:56 pm: Fox thinks he is so cool with that Blackberry, cranberry, crackberry whatever that damn thing he has that he checks for e-mail every 3.2 seconds.

10:57 pm: Kobe has that look. You know it's the look he gets when he is thinking about bending someone over a chair.

11:00 pm: Going into this series I thought that my team would win the series against the Celtics. Now I am having second thoughts. I think Fox is having second thoughts as well. He was telling me that the Celtics experience and home court advantage might carry them. The Lakers seem like they are in awe of the Celtics and the stage they are on. Half the Laker team looks like they're going to throw up in their shoes during key parts of the games.

11:02 pm: The Celtics just went on a 11-0 run. They are now up by twenty. Where is my roach clip? I hope my mother didn't throw it away thinking it was a hair clip. Hold on.

11:03 pm: Hold on. (Gurgling noise)

11:04 pm: Hoolllddd oooonnn. (Gurgling noise)

11:05 pm: Yeah, that was good. Bunny is my friend. He is you stairmaster. I am your turbo lover.

11:06 pm: I have seen those clips for the new Hulk movie. Didn't they already do a Hulk movie? Didn't that guy from Troy star in it? I wonder who would win in a fight. Hulk versus Aquaman?

11:07 pm: (Gurgling noises) Why won't Jackson just shut up and pass me the chips. That fool is like a hamster caught in a shower with Michael Jackson. Oh...another clip of the new Hulk movie. It looks better than the first movie. I wonder who would win in a fight between Hulk and Hulk Hogan? I would vote for Hogan. He's a true American.

11:10 pm: Who's winning?

11:11 pm: I don't know why the NFL has such a problem with Ricky Williams. I mean he has some sort of social phobia or something. He needs pot in order to, like, talk to people or go to the grocery store. I know what it's like, man, to go through life like a ghost. Like the ghost of Trent Reznor. Fox doesn't like NIN too much. He does like that song where it goes...."I wanna fuck you like an animal....You bring me closer to God....fuuccck you like an animal..." I don't know about any of you, but I think that Fox is a complete mess. He's totally out of control. He doesn't have a clue what he is doing. Sure, that idiot lost like 566 pounds or something, but he's a mess. He's the one who is a "dumpster fire."

11:15 pm: Nice alllop Kobe...just two days too late. We're down by like 21 points now man. This team is like the Laker team two years ago. Kobe can feel the chair now. He's half way there. The salsa looks pretty green, man.

11:16 pm: The match-up of the series. It's Kobe versus Pierce. So far, Pierce is winning. Hands down. Whoever does better, their team will win.

11:17 pm: Fox just called and said he wanted his youth back...ha...I'm sooo funnny. Hamster time. (25 second pause) Hamster is my dancer...she walks like a stream of the blood...the blood runs like a cat...a naked cat who knows how to charge his Visa card.

11:19 pm: Doesn't anyone know that mosquitoes are BAD for you? They cause people to get, like, stupid and yellow. Like some sort of liver thing. They turn bright orange. They piss orange juice. Or something.

11:20 pm: Who the hell is Doug Flute?

11:21 pm: It's 93-71 Celtics. This nightmare is over. This game is a tool. Phil Jackson is a tool. My mom is a tool. She says I should go to college. She should talk. She spends her life in the VIP Room and dancing on a pole dressed like a private school girl. That's where she met my dad. I think he's like some sort of fighter pilot. He's probably smashed his plane into the desert. Fox says that I should go to VCU where he went to school. He says that I would fit in well there. What the hell does he know? He's a train wreck. He's the mental health professions own Tommy Gavin. Like he's a good role model. That guy couldn't find mental health if it broke into his house and stole his Crackberry. That's what I should call him from now on...Tommy...Tommy Gavin. Tommy is the lead character on Rescue Me. He's a drunk. He's delusional. He's completely out of control. He wigs out on a frequent basis. He has people who count on him who also hate him with a passion. He also chases women around without mercy. He is on a path of self destruction....(gurgling noise)....eeehhh....that's right...without mercy.

11:23 pm: Isn't it funny that the Tampa Rays catcher and pitcher had to separated during a game in Texas? Just days after getting into a brawl with the Red Sox and they had to separate their best player from killing some other player who looks like he should be in the bald headed version of ZZ Top? (Gurgling noise for 15 seconds)

11:26 pm: Fox got that whole Belmont Stakes thing all wrong. That stupid idiot. I picked a horse that got scratched before the race. His second place pick, Big Brown, got last place. His third place pick, something like Panama canal or some such, got eighth. Good thing that moron doesn't pick horse races. He told me today that he is picking baseball games now. Good luck with that. He asked me to let everyone know to take the Giants over the Nationals and the Blue Jays over the Mariners tomorrow.

11:32 pm: Bathroom run.

11:37 pm: (Gurgling noises for two minutes...on and off)

11:40 pm: (Singing) Blue bunny on my wall. She sits on my lap. She tells me that I am a rubber band. It's in my head. I could have said no. It was the rubberband in my head. My bottle of Xanax feels just fine, cold steel, cold wheel, bunny wheel...

11:44 pm: WTF!!!! The Lakers just pulled in within four of the Celtics with 38 seconds left. Kobe is on the line to cut it to two points. We're they down by 248 points five minutes ago? WTF!!! I mean I see blue bunnies on the wall, but I don't think I am making this up.

11:49 pm: I guess it was just a dream as Fisher just hit a three point shot off the back of the rim for the fifteenth straight time in this game. That's it. We're cooked. Kobe has to get to his date.