I 'm Retiring

Transcript from hastily arranged news conference in the basement dungeon of my house where only two reporters showed up. One from the local grocery store insert and a writer from the Moscow Times (they'll show up for anything that could involve booze).

Thank you for coming out here today. I hope the hailstorm did not cause your vehicles too much trouble. I will keep it brief so that you all can go back outside and try to catch the hail falling from the sky.

I brought you all here to let you all know and the world know that I am retiring. Yes, I am retiring. I am retiring from competitive fantasy sports. I know that it is a shock since I have a total of six league championships across three sports and it seems that I am on top of my game. That is all true. However, I am 36 years old and frankly I have grown beyond fantasy sports. Fantasy sports was fun for awhile, but I am too old for this. I am too old to be engaging in a sport that is typically dominated by people who live in their basements in their parent's house without any other responsibilities and also no regular sex. At this point, fantasy sports distracts me from being a true sports fan. I spend most of my time pulling for my "fantasy" players on my "fantasy" teams. I have found myself rooting for these people more so than players on "real" teams that I root for. When I am rooting for Tony Romo to throw another touchdown pass so my team "The Deathmasters" could get an additional four points over a team call "The Black Raiders" while forgetting that the Falcons are being killed for the eleventh straight time, something needs to change. I spent more time in my "career" in fantasy sports rooting for individual players on other teams than my own favorite teams when I can figure out who those teams are. As a fantasy player, I became less of a fan of my team who in fact are...real...and more time rooting for teams that...DO NOT REALLY EXIST except in my own head or on a computer screen. I have a life people. I have other responsibilities. I have to get out of my own basement and live my "real" life. So after the conclusion of the Virginia Death Masters fantasy baseball season I will officially retire from fantasy sports. I will not defend any of my fantasy football titles. I will also not be like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre and I will not be coming back. I will try to actually have real relationships and root for actual real teams. I also hope for regular sex.


Any questions?


Grocery store insert guy: So you are leaving on top?
Fox: Yep. On top. I have won six titles in three sports. Baseball. Football. Basketball. It's time to move on. I am tried of rooting LT since he plays for San Diego not for me. I'd rather suffer the indignity of rooting for the Falcons who will be terrible this year.
Grocery store insert guy: So you weren't getting regular sex?
Fox: No.
Moscow Times guy: Fox, thanks for the vodka shooters. I had one question. Or maybe more. So why are you doing this now? Why not defend your titles? You owe it to your football challengers to defend your title.
Fox: Who are these challengers? I have never seen them. All I can see of them is their screen names. No faces. I wonder if these people were merely figments of my imagination made up by ESPN to make me believe that these were real people.
Moscow Times guy: Aren't you going to miss the excitement?
Fox: I think I will get more excitement by actually rooting for teams that really exist...and getting regular sex.
Moscow Times guy: There's no guarantee that you are going to get regular sex if you retire.
Fox: That is true, but most women I know do not want to have sex with fantasy sports guys. They generally think they are losers and if they do have sex with them it is either out of pity or money. Or both.
Moscow Times guy: George Carlin died today. Your thoughts?
Fox: George made it possible for people to push the limits on PC humor. He was never PC and we loved him for it. It is a sad loss. Without him none of this would be possible. I don't know what he thought about fantasy sports, but I am sure he didn't like it.
Grocery store insert guy: So who are you going to root for now?
Fox: Well, real teams. I root for teams out of Atlanta, LA, and San Francisco.
Grocery store guy: Those teams are awful. How could root for them?
Fox: The fact that they are awful is what kept me in the fantasy sports game longer than I should have. When I played in four football leagues last season I should have retired then. However, I knew the season would be terrible. However, I have to be a real person. I need to live a real life and if that means being a true fan of the teams in one of the worst sports cities in the world then so be it.
Moscow Times guy: Do you think that you will go into the Hall of Fame?
Fox: There's a Hall of Fame? Well, I think that I deserve it. I won six titles in three sports. How many people living in their basements having no regular sex can say that?
Moscow Times guy: The Russian soccer team...the real one...knocked off the Netherlands in Euro 2008 quarterfinal yesterday. You thoughts?
Fox: I am surprised. I had picked the Netherlands to win the whole thing this year. They seemed to be the best team going into the knock out rounds. The Russians played strong defense for a change. They seemed weak in the back line and I am not real confident on their goalie play. They gave up several opportunities to the Netherlands squad, but were able to get away with it. The second Russian goal during overtime was impossible. I have never seen any goal go that way. That goal cut the heart out of the Netherlands so it was not surprising that another goal was given up. I have been telling people to watch out for Russia. They are an up and coming soccer nation these days. Their coach is very experienced in international competition. Their offense and defense are always sketchy, but they find ways to win games. That is what counts. They play hard. They play unpredictably, but they have heart. They don't give up and they find ways to win games they shouldn't. I can't completely go against them in the semi-finals.
Moscow Times guy: What about the other half of the draw?
Fox: Turkey has shocked the world to get this far. They had no business getting past Croatia. They play Germany next and I don't trust the Germans not to lose. The Germans are not as good as they typically have been. They have a lot of holes.
Grocery store insert guy: Are you sick?
Fox: Yes. Temperature of 102. Why?
Grocery store insert guy: You're shivering.
Fox: Maybe we should end this conference.