UGA VI Passes Away From A Broken Heart

Beloved UGA VI, mascot of the Georgia Bulldogs athletic program, passed away of heart failure on Friday night at his owner's Savannah home. UGA VI was most noticeably the mascot of the football team who had an air conditioned dog house at Sanford Stadium and first class Delta tickets to road games. He was nine years old. The Bulldogs won two SEC football titles and a football record of 87-27, the most of any previous UGA.

UGA VI has had a very interesting last nine months. Georgia's football program flirted with a BCS Title game bid and eventually landed in New Orleans in a BCS game where they destroyed Hawaii. The basketball team was seeded last in the men's SEC tournament in Atlanta and despite having to play the majority of their games on Georgia Tech's home court due to tornadoes damaging the Georgia Dome they won the tournament by winning four games in three days.

However, I am wondering if UGA VI passed not of heart failure, but of heart break. The Bulldogs baseball team was seeded #8 in the NCAA Baseball tournament and landed in Omaha for the College World Series. Through clutch hitting, stunning come backs, and shut down relief pitching they made it to the final championship series against Fresno State. Georgia went up 1-0 in a come back victory, then it all fell apart. In Game 2, Georgia was up 5-0 and wound up getting whacked 19-10. Then in Game 3, Fresno State pitching game up one run and five hits and won the championship in a stunning upset (Fresno was seeded fourth or last place in their own regional). The loss was deeply heart breaking as Georgia was playing the best baseball in the CWS and was up a game and 5-0. I wonder that this was just too much for poor UGA VI to take. A few days later, he was gone.

Soon a UGA VII will be revealed. UGA VI will have a service in a few days in Athens and be buried at Sanford Stadium along with all his predecessors. One hopes the UGA VII's run will be as fruitful. UGA VI, DGD!

Germany Needs A Prayer Answered To Win

I have not spoken up too much about the UEFA Euro 2008 tournament so I thought on the afternoon before the final match that I would throw my two cents in and put on my gambling degenerate hat and give some sort of analysis of the game. Like I know anything about international football. Dippy the Pirate Bear has been very busy training his Resistance Puppy as well as fighting off a MRSA outbreak. I have no clue what types of training with his puppy he is using, however, one hopes that this training will not involve federal indictments in the future unlike his other enterprises.

It is Germany and Spain in the final match. I have to say first that I am extremely pleased that Italy is not in the final and in fact got knocked out in the quarterfinal round in penalty kicks by Spain. This was a surprise as Spain had a string of several tournaments where they had been knocked out by the Italians--in penalty kick shootouts. The Italian team shows Americans every stereotype they have against football. The Italian players are constantly complaining about calls, flopping all over the field with fake injuries, taking cheap shots on opponents, and crying like twelve year old school girls after their text messaging gets taken away after they sent pictures of themselves flashing gang signs to the local Crips recruiting office. It is miserable to watch. I have no tolerance watching the Italians play when their players complain and cry constantly. I tried to watch them play against Spain and wanted to drink--excessively. I saw so many phantom calls that I thought I was watching Casper the Friendly Ghost. Luckily, Spain pulled it out in a dramatic penalty kick round.

This brings me to another point. Why is it in football that they conclude an important knock-out round match after two overtimes by penalty kicks? They should go to a sudden death goal round to end it all. Whoever scores a goal first (whether it is five minutes or five hours later) wins. It happens in American football and hockey in their play-offs. I would hate to be on a losing side due to penalty kicks when the other goalie got lucky and managed to guess right and dive in the direction of the ball.

Going into the match it is Spain that is the complete team. Spain has an effective offensive strategy that involves attacking from all angles and directions on the pitch. They have attacked from both flanks and the center consistently through-out. They have maintained a solid attack of two strikers throughout which has proven to be effective. They are second in the competition in scoring as well as shots taken. The potential loss of David Villa, the tournaments leading scorer, for the final may hurt, however, Spain remained even more effective in their match against Russia with just one striker. Spain has shot the ball on net more than the Germans and have the most balanced attack on offense between the two sided. The Germans were woeful in attacking on offense from the right flank and it is a glaring weak point. Klose and Ballack are veteran players that are the keys to the German squad staying composed and attacking in their typical surgical manner. The Germans shot the ball on net far less than the Spanish squad, however, their percentage of shots that got into the net (10 out of 23) was significantly higher than the Spanish. Overall, as previously stated the Spanish attack more often and in a more balanced manner than the Germans. The Spanish have the advantage on offense as they will give themselves more chances to score.

This brings us to another advantage for the Spanish squad. Spain is second in the tournament in goals allowed. Their defense and goal-keeping have been solid through the whole tournament. I have not seen any clear let downs (maybe against Sweden) on the defensive side by the Spanish despite the pressure put on them by Italy and Russia in the last two games. The same can not be said for the German squad. The Germans gave up two goals to Croatia, Turkey, and Portugal. All good teams, but the Germans suffered periods of uncharacteristic lapses in concentration on the defensive side that cost them dearly and forced the Germans to work harder than they needed to score goals. The Germans will not be able to get away with giving up easy goals to Spain in this match as the Spanish have given up 0.6 goals a game in the whole tournament.

Spain is more free-wheeling and exciting with a strong defense to boot. Germany is methodical, surgical, and experienced (three titles in five previous final matches) with some defensive lapses.

I will take Spain.

I Am A Sports (Love) Bigamist And Proud Of It

My writing "mentor", Bill Simmons of ESPN came out with 20 rules for sports fans back several years ago. He wrote at the time that one should not root for more than one team in one sport no matter what the circumstances. He also stated that one can not jump on bandwagon teams or wear NBA jerseys in public. He discussed at length pulling for home teams, but gave vague ideas on what to do if you moved three million times as a child. I have written Mr. Simmons, my "mentor", numerous times asking for additional clarification on these rules but I have never gotten a response. This is mainly because Mr. Simmons apparently answers e-mails that are humorously whimsical in nature. I, obviously, do not meet these qualifications.

So I have to say that I root for more than one team in one sport and I have no regrets. This breaks one of the major rules that Mr. Simmons seems to fret obsessively over. However, I have never stuck with one woman (and for the most part neither should anyone and the same is true for women with men) and I have never stuck with just one team. And like my history with women, I have no regrets. Ever.

In 1979, I was seven years old and lived in Atlanta, Georgia. My father took me to my first ever baseball game. The Braves played the Dodgers. Phil Niekro pitched for the Braves and I think Sandy Koufax pitched for the Dodgers (Just kidding. I don't know who pitched for the Dodgers that day). The Braves, as usual and expected during those colorful times, lost by one run. However, I was hooked. I was hooked on the Braves and eventually became hooked on Atlanta sports, period. This was despite living in Boston prior to living in Atlanta only a few years previously. It was not until living in Atlanta was I exposed to sports full scale. In 1980, Atlanta football had a magical run when the Georgia Bulldogs led by Herschel Walker (before he ended up with five or fifteen additional personalities) won the national championship and the Atlanta Falcons led by, pretty boy and booze hound before finding God, quarterback Steve Bartkowski won the NFC West title before losing in a gut spilling NFC Divisional Play-off game loss to the Cowboys. Though this loss was a harbinger of things to come in my Atlanta sports fan experience I was hooked on Atlanta sports. The Atlanta Hawks were the first NBA team I started to root for. It went on and on.

Had I stayed living in Atlanta I probably would have not stepped out on Atlanta's teams. However, it did not work out that way. It turns out that it has never worked out that way with the women in my life either. Go figure. I ended up moving to Jacksonville, Florida and then to the Washington, DC area in the following couple of years. I stayed living in the DC area for four years and then moved out to northwestern Virginia for a few years after that. During this time, I maintained my interest in Atlanta sports teams. However, during the 80's the Lakers and Celtics dominated professional basketball. I picked the Lakers. Mainly because of my interest in the city of Los Angeles. All I can say about LA is that it represents the best and worst in America all wrapped up into a sprawling world of plastic surgery, clogged highways, smog, and every other nationality in the world. To me, LA seemed far away and magical. I became interested in LA as a city and it's sports franchises. I became interested in the Lakers and the Dodgers (and those teams were also pretty good through the majority of the 80s). My best friend in DC created a electric tackle football league where he created a likeness of me who ended up winning three Super Bowl championships for...the Raiders...who happened to be in...LA. Except his version of me was the professional football version of Madonna, which I later figured out probably made me appear looking like a drag queen or Todd Marinovich. Anyways, I started pulling for the Raiders only after they destroyed the Redskins in the Super Bowl.

If anyone asked me what my favorite team was during my formative years I would have picked the teams in Atlanta. However, I also pulled for the teams in Los Angeles because I was obsessed with the city and also I was an electric football hero playing for the LA Raiders.

In 1992, I visited both Los Angeles and San Francisco for the first time. I fell in love with both cities and as a result I claimed the Bay Area's teams as rooting interests as well. The LA Raiders eventually moved back to Oakland so my interest in them...for better or worse...remained. I picked up pulling for the SF Giants (despite their bitter rivalry with the Dodgers) and not the Oakland A's so I did not break the rule of cheering for both a city's teams in the same sport. Somewhere in the mix, Wayne Gretsky ended up in Los Angeles and played for the Kings. In 1993, the Kings (coached by Barry Melrose who had, at the time, the best hockey mullet in the history of the NHL) went to the Stanley Cup Finals against the Montreal Canadians. I remember watching every Kings play-off game that season. I watched the stellar Game 7 versus Toronto where Gretsky pulled off a stunning victory. Then I watched Marty McSorley get called for having too much curve on his stick and the Canadians scoring a crucial power play goal and winning Game 2 and eventually stealing the Cup. The play-off run by the Kings mirrored my relationships with women very closely. A series or relationship should never be decided by anyone's curved stick. Ever.

My interest in LA and it's sports teams dates back to the 80's. In the 90's, San Francisco joined Atlanta and Los Angeles as my favorite American cities. Atlanta was my first love. Their teams will always be my favorites. Just as one's first love will always have a special place in one's heart. However, in real life there always is other women/men and it is the same with sports teams as well. We are not biologically wired to stay with one significant other and nor are we wired in a mobile age to pull for just one sports team either. We have our favorites, but we also have our memories of other experiences good or bad with people and sports teams. We never love just one person. We end up being in lust with more than one person in our lives. Same as sports teams. Just like with relationships I have no shame in this regard. My favorite teams are in Atlanta and I will always love them. There have been other women in my life. There have been even other women in my life during other relationships. I have no regrets for any of this. Life is too short for regrets. The same is true with my sports teams as well. So if that makes me a sports bigamist then so be it. I am not going to be ashamed of it and neither should anyone else.

I 'm Retiring

Transcript from hastily arranged news conference in the basement dungeon of my house where only two reporters showed up. One from the local grocery store insert and a writer from the Moscow Times (they'll show up for anything that could involve booze).

Thank you for coming out here today. I hope the hailstorm did not cause your vehicles too much trouble. I will keep it brief so that you all can go back outside and try to catch the hail falling from the sky.

I brought you all here to let you all know and the world know that I am retiring. Yes, I am retiring. I am retiring from competitive fantasy sports. I know that it is a shock since I have a total of six league championships across three sports and it seems that I am on top of my game. That is all true. However, I am 36 years old and frankly I have grown beyond fantasy sports. Fantasy sports was fun for awhile, but I am too old for this. I am too old to be engaging in a sport that is typically dominated by people who live in their basements in their parent's house without any other responsibilities and also no regular sex. At this point, fantasy sports distracts me from being a true sports fan. I spend most of my time pulling for my "fantasy" players on my "fantasy" teams. I have found myself rooting for these people more so than players on "real" teams that I root for. When I am rooting for Tony Romo to throw another touchdown pass so my team "The Deathmasters" could get an additional four points over a team call "The Black Raiders" while forgetting that the Falcons are being killed for the eleventh straight time, something needs to change. I spent more time in my "career" in fantasy sports rooting for individual players on other teams than my own favorite teams when I can figure out who those teams are. As a fantasy player, I became less of a fan of my team who in fact are...real...and more time rooting for teams that...DO NOT REALLY EXIST except in my own head or on a computer screen. I have a life people. I have other responsibilities. I have to get out of my own basement and live my "real" life. So after the conclusion of the Virginia Death Masters fantasy baseball season I will officially retire from fantasy sports. I will not defend any of my fantasy football titles. I will also not be like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre and I will not be coming back. I will try to actually have real relationships and root for actual real teams. I also hope for regular sex.


Any questions?


Grocery store insert guy: So you are leaving on top?
Fox: Yep. On top. I have won six titles in three sports. Baseball. Football. Basketball. It's time to move on. I am tried of rooting LT since he plays for San Diego not for me. I'd rather suffer the indignity of rooting for the Falcons who will be terrible this year.
Grocery store insert guy: So you weren't getting regular sex?
Fox: No.
Moscow Times guy: Fox, thanks for the vodka shooters. I had one question. Or maybe more. So why are you doing this now? Why not defend your titles? You owe it to your football challengers to defend your title.
Fox: Who are these challengers? I have never seen them. All I can see of them is their screen names. No faces. I wonder if these people were merely figments of my imagination made up by ESPN to make me believe that these were real people.
Moscow Times guy: Aren't you going to miss the excitement?
Fox: I think I will get more excitement by actually rooting for teams that really exist...and getting regular sex.
Moscow Times guy: There's no guarantee that you are going to get regular sex if you retire.
Fox: That is true, but most women I know do not want to have sex with fantasy sports guys. They generally think they are losers and if they do have sex with them it is either out of pity or money. Or both.
Moscow Times guy: George Carlin died today. Your thoughts?
Fox: George made it possible for people to push the limits on PC humor. He was never PC and we loved him for it. It is a sad loss. Without him none of this would be possible. I don't know what he thought about fantasy sports, but I am sure he didn't like it.
Grocery store insert guy: So who are you going to root for now?
Fox: Well, real teams. I root for teams out of Atlanta, LA, and San Francisco.
Grocery store guy: Those teams are awful. How could root for them?
Fox: The fact that they are awful is what kept me in the fantasy sports game longer than I should have. When I played in four football leagues last season I should have retired then. However, I knew the season would be terrible. However, I have to be a real person. I need to live a real life and if that means being a true fan of the teams in one of the worst sports cities in the world then so be it.
Moscow Times guy: Do you think that you will go into the Hall of Fame?
Fox: There's a Hall of Fame? Well, I think that I deserve it. I won six titles in three sports. How many people living in their basements having no regular sex can say that?
Moscow Times guy: The Russian soccer team...the real one...knocked off the Netherlands in Euro 2008 quarterfinal yesterday. You thoughts?
Fox: I am surprised. I had picked the Netherlands to win the whole thing this year. They seemed to be the best team going into the knock out rounds. The Russians played strong defense for a change. They seemed weak in the back line and I am not real confident on their goalie play. They gave up several opportunities to the Netherlands squad, but were able to get away with it. The second Russian goal during overtime was impossible. I have never seen any goal go that way. That goal cut the heart out of the Netherlands so it was not surprising that another goal was given up. I have been telling people to watch out for Russia. They are an up and coming soccer nation these days. Their coach is very experienced in international competition. Their offense and defense are always sketchy, but they find ways to win games. That is what counts. They play hard. They play unpredictably, but they have heart. They don't give up and they find ways to win games they shouldn't. I can't completely go against them in the semi-finals.
Moscow Times guy: What about the other half of the draw?
Fox: Turkey has shocked the world to get this far. They had no business getting past Croatia. They play Germany next and I don't trust the Germans not to lose. The Germans are not as good as they typically have been. They have a lot of holes.
Grocery store insert guy: Are you sick?
Fox: Yes. Temperature of 102. Why?
Grocery store insert guy: You're shivering.
Fox: Maybe we should end this conference.

Running Diary: Sunday Night NBA Finals Game 5

9:11 pm: It's 5-0 LA, one of the refs looks like he is a gangster. Are all the NBA refs look like they are on the take? Why won't anyone investigate this? It has taken Boston nearly three minutes to score. This is starting to look very much the last game where LA choked like a cat in a laundry mat.

9:13: Bad defense by Gasol. As I suspected he has been over matched mentally and physically throughout the series. What I am wondering is whether or not the effect of having multiple key players on the Lakers side who are European who have played like...Europeans... against a tougher Celtics team is a difference. To me, it appears that it has made a difference. The European players on the Lakers have looked like on several occasions that they are about to throw up on Jack Nicholson's shoes any minute. Several players I am sure have thrown up in their mouths.

9:16: Finally!! A European player shows a brief two seconds of toughness as Gasol manages to hustle to the ball on the rim and get fouled for a three point play.

9:17: Boston calls a timeout as the game is beginning to get a little out of hand. 18-5 Lakers. I am unhappy that the Lakers carted themselves out wearing their white gear. I hate that uniform. They are only to wear yellow and blue. None of this pansy white uni bullshit. Did one of the European players come up with that stupid idea. Let's wear white uniforms tonight!!! We'll look really snazzy. The Lakers don't need snazzy. They need wins.

9:20: I am a blue puppy. I thought I would just say that.

9:21: I wonder if anyone has thought of stabbing Pierce like eleven times before this game. Just a thought. It's happened before.

9:25: Kobe has already been named MVP. Stop chanting "MVP" Laker fans. He didn't deserve it, but he won it anyways.

9:27: In an instant replay of Game 4, the Lakers are blowing out Boston early and lead by 16. Except this time Kobe is involved in the game this time. They need Kobe to take over. The Lakers absolutely can not let the game get into the hands of players that have too many vowels in their names. Also, please do not give us Michael Jackson tunes as you go into chimerical. It's in real bad taste with his allegiance to Qatar and all. Or is it Dubai? Who cares.

9:32: Garnett just got his second foul. This is what LA needs. They need Garnett to go into his crazy person routine and get himself fouled out of the game or maybe get a couple of technicals for yelling at Dyan Cannon's hair.

9:34: I wonder if Luke Walton talks as crazy as his dad, Bill Walton. Now that is a guy that has got to be smoking a lot of dope all the time. He talks just like a pot guy. All over the map leading to absolutely nowhere. I have to say that I like Bill Walton a lot. I did my first ever book report on him like a million years ago. I did not realize into much later that Portland, Oregon was probably the best place for him to play professional ball after leaving UCLA. Especially with all the naturally growing "vegetation" in Oregon.

9:38: It's that baby commercial with the clown. It is so perfect. Just remember that Gacy was a clown.

9:39: Lakers up by 17 at the end of the first quarter. The scary thing is that there are three more quarters to go. We went through this a few days ago. Except the Lakers were wearing yellow in that game and Kobe was only yelling at his teammates. Tonight he is yelling at his teammates and scoring points.

9:42: A soccer player just got a basket for the Lakers. How did that happen?

9:44: Posey just got knocked into the Laker girls by a soccer player wearing a Laker jersey. Kobe is going to get real upset about that. Just look at him on the sideline. He's trying to figure out what to do on his next date right about now. Speaking of soccer, I have been watching parts of the Euro 2008 tournament. This is a great tournament so far. It looks like the Netherlands, Portugal, and Spain have the teams to beat. Those three look real strong early. I watched Russia play Greece yesterday where Greece got knocked out 1-0 when their goalie made an absolutely bone head play for the ball way out of the box and the Russian player kicked back to the middle of the zone where his team mate had an empty net shot. Ugly way to get knocked out of a tournament when you are the defending champion. Russia is not going to make it out of this round as they have to play Sweden on Wednesday. Sweden is the second best team in the group and had their hearts ripped from them by Spain in extra time 2-1 on another bone head defensive play on the ball. There is no way that guy should have been able to get past a double team with the ball to get it through to the net two minutes into extra time. Insane. Sweden will take out years of military losses to Russia by beating them into the ground in a couple of days. Of course, you have to remember that it was Russia who knocked out England during qualifying.

9:51: As expected, the Celtics now have pulled to within 11. The Euro 2008 players on the Lakers team are about to throw up on one of Laker girls. When that happens Kobe will go ballistic because he'll have to deal with sloppy seconds tonight.

9:52: The lead is now nine. Watch out, Paula!!

9:53: Key moment of the game. Garnett just got foul number three after hacking Gasol as he tried to get to the basket. Tough call there. I would not have called a foul there. I wonder how much that ref got paid to make that call. Garnett sits down for the half. He should have gotten a T as he was walking to the bench.

9:55: The Laker defense has completely fallen apart and so has the rest of the team. They can not afford to have Kobe and Fisher sit for long stretches on the bench. When that happens the Euro 2008 players are on the court which only creates a soccer game when no one scores. The result? A 15-0 run.

9:58: Dippy e-mailed me today stating that he had gotten a puppy. He said that he named him Phillip. I asked him what kind of puppy it was and he said in a bizarre text message that it was a "resistance puppy." We need to have Phillip on with Dippy next time. That should be fun. What the hell is a "resistance puppy?" Can someone help me with this?

10:01: I can tell that I am not a true Laker fan because I am actually caring that they have blown another big lead. Posey and Gasol just got tangled up under the basket on the floor. Don't worry folks. Gasol is like a Euro 2008 player he's not going to actually fight anyone. He'll call their mother or sister a name and get head butted...in the chest. That's all.

10:04: Let me apologize to all the soccer fans out there. I actually love soccer. I follow soccer a great deal. I follow it much more than most other stupid American sports degenerates who are hopped up on DayQuil and Concerta. It's just that European soccer players don't belong playing in NBA Finals games. They belong...playing soccer games. Does anyone really want to see Kobe or Garnett trying to play in a Euro 2008 game against Portugal? They would get red carded after five minutes for trying to take the head off an opposing player. Of course, it would be interesting what would happen if Luke Walton and Kobe ended up playing in Amsterdam some time.

10:08: Radmonovich just got yellow carded!!! One more and he's gone. Sorry, I couldn't resist. I just couldn't.

10:10: Kobe has just gone into anti-Kobe mode. He's now passing to everyone and not being aggressive. It's either all or nothing. He either takes all the shots or takes none. Farmar just air balled it from three point land after the Lakers took way too many passes. Kobe needs to take over the series. He can. Does anyone want the game to be decided by Farmar and Radmonovich?

10:12: Fisher and Allen just got yellow carded!!! Uh-oh.

10:13: Another pass by Kobe to Farmar for another three point shot which he misses. Kobe had an open three, but gave the ball up again. That can't happen if the Lakers are to win this game. It just can't. It's like sending your ex-girlfriend to buy condoms for you and your new girl-friend. In either case, you are asking for problems.

10:16: If I weren't a Laker fan I would be really really upset. The Lakers were up by 19 and waiting for the Oswald kill shot and then they went cold. They let Euro 2008 players roll into the game and they started to play like...Euro 2008 players. They completely stopped playing any type of assertive defense. Kobe decided that he scored enough points and passed up shot after shot. He ended up scoring a big fat zero points in the second quarter. The Celtics pushed the physical intensity and broke the Lakers down again. Pierce scored fifteen in the quarter and again made his case for the series MVP. They have now pulled to within three at the half. They have all the momentum. Gasol at the buzzer put his hands on his head as if to say "I can't believe this is happening...again" except in a Spanish accent. Do the Lakers want to win this game? Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't want to have see Kobe's face for another four months. I don't know.

10:22: Bill Walton is on babbling about how he can't understand the Lakers. It's easy, Bill!! Put down the joint. The Lakers are a finesse team. The Celtics are a physical team. In this case and in most cases in today's NBA the most physical team wins (unless you are the Pistons in any play-off series where they did not win the title). The only way the Lakers will be able to do anything is if they go back to what they do best, which is to quicken the pace and attack the basket more aggressively by speeding up the transition game. It might also help if they would play defense.

10:27: I can't watch this Walton father-son piece. It's a mess. I can't do it. I just can't. Bill needs to put the pot down. At least he shaved that beard.

10:31: I am taking a half-time break in order to ingest more DayQuil and Ritalin shots. That is some great stuff. I wonder what Dippy and Phillip "The Resistance Puppy" are doing. I wonder. Maybe I should try calling.

10:32: I forgot to mention that I am still on call. I have been on-call for emergency psychiatric services since 5 pm on Friday. I am not off until sometime in the next ten hours. I am taking the day off tomorrow so I am not sweating it. However, I may have to abruptly end this diary at any minute. How exciting!!!

10:36: Did anyone see Tiger Woods over the weekend? He's walking around all over the course using his club as a cane, wincing in pain after key shots, and MAKING CRAZY SHOTS. He led the Open by one stroke going into today and was not able to pull off the win. He had to hit a clutch 20 foot putt on 18 just to tie a golfer named Rocco. So there will be a death match play-off tomorrow afternoon. Tiger vs. Rocco. My money is going to be on Tiger. It will be close, but I see Tiger pulling it off. I know. This prediction is not a stretch. However, I did notice that in the key fourth round of the tournament where Tiger usually finishes off his prey that he shot his worst round of the tournament. He shot a 73. Hmmm...

10:40: Well, the Lakers continue to slide into the La Brea tar pits. They passed up easy lay-ups and played embarrassing defense and have allowed the Celtics to take the lead. The Lakers don't deserve to win. This is absolutely a mess.

10:42: Finally!! Kobe chases down a ball and hits a fade away and gets the foul. He HAS TO TAKE OVER. I need to write a letter to Phil Jackson. It's too late. Way too late. Isn't Jackson dating the bosses daughter? That next family dinner is going to suck when he blows this game like Tonya Harding in the men's bathroom at a biker bar in Cincinnati. Wait a minute!!! Isn't Tonya from Oregon? It all makes sense now.

10:44: Another stupid defensive series by the Lakers. They left Rondo wide open for a jumper. Just stupid. Jack Nicholson should just take over coaching the team right now. He should tell Jackson: "You CAN'T HANDLE THE KOBE!!!" followed by a kick in the man package.

10:46: I am losing it. That last entry was just stupid. Just like the Lakers defense. And Bill Walton's teeth.

10:52: Just watched a promo for the new movie Hellboy II. I just pulled up Ron Perlman's filmography. He has over 150 credits dating back to 1975 when he was on Ryan's Hope. However, he's going to be known for only for two roles: Hellboy and Vincent from the TV show Beauty and the Beast. Fun.

10:55: I must be in some sort of major haze caused by all the Diet Pepsi I drank with the Ritalin shots. Did I just see the Lakers go out to a seven point lead? How did that happen? Did something happen? Did aliens take over? Did my cat just eat that blue pill on the floor? Did I mention that I am a blue puppy?

10:57: It took ABC close to two hours to show us the celebrities in the crowd. What is David Spade doing? The Lakers ARE actually up by seven. They appear to be playing more aggressively and there are less Euro 2008 players on the court. However, they still look like they are being worn down. They are having too many mental and physical breakdowns.

11:02: Michelle Tafoya just referred to Doc Rivers having a brain in his head. Are people in Boston surprised? What would his image in Boston be like if the Celtics actually finished this thing off? Doc has been skewered every day he has been coach of the Celtics. Even during the play-offs and the Finals he has been criticized relentlessly by Boston fans and writers. Does that change if he wins? How could he be that bad if he leads this team to a title? From what I can see he may not be the best strategist out there, but he appears to motivate his team when they need it the most. Is that bad? Just wondering. People have compared him to Grady Little who was blamed for leaving Pedro in too long in the AL Series Game 6 against the Yankees and then got fired after the Red Sox blew the series...only to have the Sox win the World Series the next year. Would that happen to Doc if he blows this?

11:09: The Lakers are somehow up by six. However, they are still playing listless on defense and passing up easy shots for stupid long range jump shots that they can't make consistently. It's like passing up dating the easy pretty girl/boy for the middle of the road looking ice boy/girl who won't put out. Notice I am trying not to be sexist??? That is the new me!!! Thanks to DayQuil and Ritalin shots I actually think these thoughts through. Viva Ritalin!!! Viva Ritalin!!!

11:14: Phillip the Resistance Puppy called to let me know that Dippy is working the bar at the Wyndham Hotel at Virginia Beach tonight. It must be "Swingers Night" at the hotel tonight. I still do not know what a Resistance Puppy is. Can anyone tell me? I am wondering if it is some sort of sexual thing. However, we are talking about a puppy.

11:17: Odom took a knee in the man package from Pierce. Good one taking one for the team. Somehow it is wrong that Pierce was the one who ended up at the free throw line in this case. Anyways the Lakers are up by nine to start the 4th quarter.

11:18: Nice recovery by Odom who just hit a three point shot to put the Lakers up by 12. I can;t figure this out, but it appears that the Celtics are now the team that is becoming sloppy. They have had major stretches in the play-offs where the team gets haphazard and starts making unforced turnovers on the offensive side the ball. That appears to be what is happening here. Except with a good team (unlike the Hawks, Cavs, and Pistons) the Lakers can make them pay for it.

11:20: Another baby trading chimerical with the puking clown loving baby. The baby apparently has grown some hair and gotten a Blackberry. Watching the baby exclaim: "What a bad girl" when getting an e-mail is rather creepy. Am I the only one who feels this way?

11:23: Finally!! Two big things just happened. One, Farmar took the ball to the basket instead of passing the ball off for a contested shot. Two, Gasol just aggressively grabbed a rebound and was fouled on the play. This is what the Lakers must keep doing. Lakers now up by 14.

11:25: Lakers now up by twelve. They are pushing the ball up the court. They are playing more aggressively. They are using their speed to their advantage. One of the Euro players got thrown down by the Celtics token space alien. How does that happen? The alien is about 6000 years old.

11:29: Great shot by Kobe. Now is time for him to take over the game. We are half way through the fourth quarter. The Lakers up by 11. The Celtics are determined to make another comeback and finish them off. My cat apparently is hallucinating right now. He's crawled into a drawer and is singing Falco's Rock Me Amadeus.

11:33: More ridiculous defense by the Lakers and Posey hits an open three pointer to cut the lead down to four. The Lakers are playing like virgins on prom night. It's messy, clumsy, and painful. I can see how Bill Simmons gets paid the big bucks to write these horrendously long running diaries. I have been writing this piece for the last two and half hours and I am completely spent. I have got to toughen up. I am not a Euro 2008 blog writer after all.

11:38: The Lakers are actually trying to blow this game. Kobe and Odom need to have the ball. They need to be the ones wo take over. The folk with too many vowels can't handle the pressure that the Celtics defense pushes on them. They just can't have the ball in their hands in this situation. They will act like a cat with too much cat nip. There's less than four minutes left and the Lakers have a small two point lead. The Lakers are having to take tough shots. The Celtics are taking advantage of the Lakers Prevent defense.

11:41: Hmm...Pierce and Garnett just got called for wimpy fouls in the last 10 seconds giving them both five fouls each. The money must have just been wired over into the refs off shore accounts in Bermuda.

11:44: Star Tracker: Kobe, 20 points. Pierce, 34 points. Hmmm...

11:48: Four point game with three minutes left. It's time for Dippy to call in to check on how things are going. I would have to say that the Celtics are playing with more grit and determination than the Lakers. They may not be better, but the Celts are tougher. That is the difference. That is what has given them this series so far.

11:50: Garnett just yaked up two bad free throw shot attempts. He is not a clutch player. I wonder if that perception will change if the Celtics win the series. Just like Eli Manning's changed after the Super Bowl. Maybe not. Bad comparison. Manning actually had a hand in the Giants clinching the victory instead of lucking out that his team won like Garnett. Sorry, Eli. I won't do it again.

11:52: Despite themselves the Lakers are hanging on and it seems that the crowd is actually...dare I say...caring. Key rebound by the Lakers. Kobe just missed a death shot three pointer. Odom is doing his best Rasheed Wallace impression. Pierce is on the line for free throw 18 and 19. This is what you get for putting it to your opponent instead of dancing like a bad prom date with your opponent.

11:55: Bad shot by Fisher. Awww......man......Kobe gets a killa steal and slams it home. That's what "killas" do. They make the key play when it is needed the most. Lakers by 4 now with less than a minute to go. I need more Ritalin to make it through this piece.

11:57: Dippy just called for an update. He is on the 17th floor on the Wyndham. That is one of the floors that you have to use your room key to get to the floor via elevator. It definitely IS Swingers Night.

12:00: Fisher blows free throw No. 1 with 24.8 seconds left....ugh!!!....ok....he makes No. 2. Five point Laker lead. I don't know if the Lakers are winning this game or the Celtics are losing this game due to being haphazard and foolish with the ball. Don't know. I have watched this game and I don't know exactly how the Lakers have managed to be up late in the fourth.

12:03: Lakers up by six. Kobe misses one of two free throws. Less than fifteen seconds left in the game. I would have to say that the Celtics have blown this game. They should have won this game. They are tougher than the other team. They just have played a sloppy game where they gave up the ball too many times, made too many unforced errors, and taken dumb shots as well. I will let Simmons have his take on this game from his side. He'll diagnose the problem in this game.

12:06: Typical for the Celtics. Another sloppy play with the ball resulting in a steal by Fisher. Game over. The Celtics should have won this game. They gave it up. They choked. The Lakers managed to win despite their best effort to tank the series. Maybe Doc is not that great after all.

12:08: As I Love LA flows down from the rafters, the Lakers walk off the court facing the impossible task of trying to win two in Boston. I am spent. The Ritalin has worn off. I have to save my cat from jumping off the roof. Good thing my on-call shift ends in eight hours.

Father's Day Kudos And What Happens In...Stays In...

I was going to write a blog entry about the Atlanta Braves and my diminished expectations and the demise of the Lakers in the NBA Finals, but I was inspired to go another direction. As is it is Father's Day and I had my once every four months (or longer) phone call...much too long I would say to go without contact, I reflected on something that my father said at the end of our conversation. He said: "Take care of your family." He said it somewhat out of the blue, but I know for him there was a more deeper meaning behind the statement. I thought about it and it hit me. It hit me that this one thing was a major ideal or concept about life that he had passed down to me. I had not fully realized it until that statement. I remembered that my father sacrificed time, money, sweat, blood, and maybe some tears to make sure that our family was taken care of. The eighteen hour days. The moving to a better location with a better job. The folding and unfolding of businesses. Those were the things that he did. Would he have rather spent that time golfing? or with us? or with me? Probably. However, he was driven by that one credo: "Take care of your family." With that credo he did everything in his power to make sure that we had everything that we needed and in most respects what we wanted. That is a value that somehow he was able to hard wire into my personality. My father was and still is a man who is driven to succeed in business not necessarily for his own benefit, but for the benefit of his family. This has been driven home in my life as well. I have been driven throughout my career in an attempt to ensure the security of my family. I have worked two jobs and worked long hours to advance in my career and to make more money. The reason has been the same as my father's, which is to make sure my family is taken care of. This is a value that I have, that I will always have. It is hardwired now. It wasn't when I was a rebellious adolescent when the concepts of working for something did not seem to have value. In graduate school, the hardwiring kicked in. It kicked in probably too late for my father's benefit when I was around. However, it is there now. I will do everything that I need to do to make sure that my current family is taken care of. I will dismantle any and all threats to that security. That is a value that I most proud of. It is the part of my father that I have the most admiration, respect, and love for. He gave me the drive, work ethic, and values that stand with me today. It comes down to taking care of the people that need you the most. I have not been as successful as I would have liked. I have beaten myself up over it, at times. Nonetheless, that drive to succeed is there, hardwired into my heart and mind, given to me through my father. This is a value that I love the most about my father. Dad, I don't tell you enough that I love you and I want to thank you for everything that you have given to me and the values that you have taught. Happy Father's Day to you. Always.

I also want to take the time and thank an individual who has become my "adopted father." He was a colleague at my current place of employment until he was forced to retire during an evil coup that still drives the agency to this day. I come to visit him once a week during an on-call stint. He has opened up his home and heart to take me in. He has provided me with incredible guidance and wisdom over the last three plus years that have helped to keep me relatively sane. He has provided encouragement in these last few years that I have needed in order to stay afloat. Most importantly, he has kept me focused and grounded. For this, I am very thankful. Thank you and a Happy Father's Day as well.

I want to also say to those people who have been a part of or witness to the series of events in my life in the last year that fall into the category of "What happens in (insert city here), stays in (insert city here)" a big thank you. You have shown me mirrors that have reflected back to me where I am in my life. Those reflections have not always been the prettiest, but they have shown in vivid detail where I am in the process, where I need to go, and how to get there. You have provided me with the experiences that have added a new texture to my story that has added colour, joy, hope, longing, and even desperation. To you all, thank you.

It's Hard To Imagine

Years ago, I ended my stint as a songwriter. It has been at least eight years since I put pen to paper and put a new song together. I did not think that I would be writing again. However, the urge struck to let something flow. I worried that as Bono said that once yout put words down on paper then the magic is gone. However, I wanted to let this one fly.


IT'S HARD TO IMAGINE

It seems the lights are out
Losing sight of the dreams of love
The mind is moving like smoke
I don't know what any of this is all about

You have launched me into zero
A fork and a spoon mixed in ice
I never wanted to be your hero
Ever since my heart got mixed in your blender

CHORUS:
I know it's hard to imagine
That I would sit with you as your world snaps
Into a million missing jigsaw pieces
I know it's hard to imagine

You hope that the orange is thin
You hope the street is wet with your sin
You hope I'll turn around and hand you a receipt
You hope I'll forgive your deceit

I hope that you know the water line is cut
I hope you know you smashed my lens
I hope I will learn to crawl when my line cut
I hope you know that my TV keeps running pictures of you

(CHORUS)

You'll never know that the cake is slippery
When you put it through the wire
Your words act like small figures of sand and fire
I am not your creep at the windowsill

Paper money and your heart strings
Thrown away to the winds of my voice
Taken for granted that I'll ever hear what your voice brings
Did you think I wouldn't notice

(CHORUS)

Your pills in my sink
Your lips on my drink
Your last rites being called over my objection
Your last words slipping on the screen

I'll learn what love really is
Once you get your hands across it
Mixing words and thoughts with booze
We all get lost in your loneliness

Kobe's Death Look and Your Barry Zito Update

Well, it's Monday and it's 129 degrees in Virginia today and has been for several days. I was riding around the town I live in yesterday afternoon and given the color of the sky (orange) it appeared that I was driving around in Los Angeles. This is not a good sign for anyone who might have breathing difficulties. I like L.A., but not the air. I don't go to L.A. for the air.

Speaking of L.A., the Lakers are playing like the Lakers of 2006 who shot too many jump shots, never would challenge anyone in the paint, get out rebounded by a bigger team, get all the calls to go against them, and Kobe to take all the shots and shoot death laser glances at his own team mates. He shot Pau Gasol, the true NBA MVP this season, several of these glances during the game last night. Despite the fourth quarter where the Lakers tried to make the biggest come back in the history of the Finals (or any other major sporting event) they collectively look like they are in a dream state. The Celtics role players are playing like...role players. The bench has such an edge right now that many did not expect. Going into the series I was hearing everyone say the Lakers were going to win the series. I reluctantly picked them to win, but I was worried about the home court advantage that Boston has and whether or not the Lakers would throw up every time they walked onto the court. I was saying that the Lakers needed to win last night to go even with Boston and go to LA for three. Now, they are down 2-0, the odds are against them (over 90% of teams down 0-2 lose the series), and they would have to win one game in Boston to win the series. The Lakers need to wake up and stop being intimidated like the Hawks were in their first two games. The Lakers face the prospect that they must win three in a row in LA to have a chance. Even if they did that I am having serious doubts that they could win a Game 6 or 7 in Boston. It is really sad to watch this series so far as I do think that the Lakers at their best are the better team. However, they played in a coma during key parts of Game 1 and 2 and lostt badly. Time to wake up before Kobe ends up killing one of his team mates or being accused of sexual assault.

I don't know if I should laugh at Dippy's diary or never ever let him write on this blog again. I am wondering what you think. I'll go with the majority. On one hand, he is funny and has some, let's say, interesting insights. On the flip side, he made several runs at me and took endless numbers of hits from the bong he built in the leaky dark basement in his mother's house. I don't know. I am not sure it's good for a blog guest columnist to go Ricky Williams during writing a blog entry.

As a Braves fan I am so frustrated at the team and the fact that nearly everyone is on the disabled list or has one step away from it. The Braves blew an opprotunity to cut into the Phillies lead and show everyone that they plan on contending for the duration. Instead the bullpen blows every chance they had to hold the lead or tie, someone blows a simple fielding play, and the bats went cold all weekend. It was ugly. The obvious bright spot and the most intriguing story line is Chipper Jones who hit .570 last week, but also has a partially torn quad. Today, the Braves bought the contract of former major league pitcher Brian Lawrence who started for six games for the Mets last year. Where was Mr. Lawrence pitching when the Braves picked him up? The Camden Riversharks of the Independent League. It only gets better. I think the Braves should strongly consider signing Doc Gooden or Kevin Costner to pitch just to round out the starting rotation.

Now for your update:

BARRY ZITO

Barry had two starts this week and actually won a game in Washington yesterday afternoon. However, he pitched nine and a third and gave up eight earned runs. He walked nine batters and struck out three. Luckily, his team mates actually are giving him some run support by getting six runs for him each game. His WHIP for the week was 2.46 and opponents batted .389, which for Barry Ziti is real bad. Just real bad.

W-L: 2-9 ERA: 5.83 WHIP: 1.87 SO: 35

By the way, Barry is five walks behind the league leader in walks with 40. I have watched several Ziti games and I continue to maintain that his mechanics are totally off. He is off balance in his wind up and delivery. His release point is at a different angle depending on what inning he is pitching.

Andruw Jones is still on the DL.

Mark Kotsay is on the DL in Atlanta. No surprise.

I don't want to jinx Chipper.

Running Diary: Sunday Night-Game 2

Hello, I am Dippy the Pirate Bear. Fox was going to do a running diary of a segment of Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Celtics and the Lakers, however, he is recuperating from whatever bender he was on during the weekend. So, in any event, he's not doing a diary. He asked me between ham sandwiches if I would go ahead and do it. I told him that I would as long as he did not edit my work and that he would let me start late since I had to be at the hotel on the beach where today it was 489 degrees. I had to take some Valium in order to make it through the day. The kids were absolute monsters. I will never ever have kids. Why Fox has a kid is beyond me. He is crazy to be a parent. He's also very old.

10:30 pm: My Lakers are sucking up the joint again in Boston. Kobe has three fouls, less than 10 points, keeps passing the ball away and taking dumb shots. He looks like the Kobe from last year where you could count on him to choke away a game in the series. The Lakers are down by 12 at half-time. Jack Nicholson is probably scheduling lasik surgery so he doesn't have to watch the Lakers anymore. I don't know about you, but I am sick of Van Gundy and Mark Jackson. I just can't listen to their fake banter back and forth. It's so silly.

10:35 pm: ABC is giving us highlights of the first half. We are watching Paul Pierce and his fake injured knee taking the ball to the net. Didn't Pierce get shanked one night like nine times a few years ago? How did he survive? He is so ugly.

10:37 pm: We simply can't rebound. Or apparently guard a three point shooter. This game sucks.

10:38 pm: Fisher throws up another three-pointer that hits the back of the rim. He had a wide open shot. Does he have eye cancer too?

10:39 pm: Great. Hideous shot of Magic Johnson stuffing his face with popcorn. That is what I feel like doing tonight except I would be stuffing my face with hash brownies. That is what I need to make this game less like watching hours and hours of The Dr. Phil Show.

10:43 pm: Pierce drains another three pointer. They said that he took a cortisone shot to the knee before the game. Is that the same thing as if I shot up heroin before going out on the beach and having kids crawl over me with their dirty hands sticky with soda and dad's beer? Pierce, bad knee or not, is the difference in this series. He can hit shots and Kobe is thinking of banging a call girl at the hotel. Someone needs to warn him about giving the stick to a call girl in Boston. That's apparently, according to Fox, what doomed the Hawks a few weeks ago when they were in Boston.

10:46 pm: This move with Mike Myers looks horrible. I would never go to a movie called the Love Guru. Though Jessica Alba looks kinda hot in a weird sort of way.

10:47 pm: Fox keeps talking about this crush that he has. People who know me keep asking who it is. I don't know exactly who it is, but I do know that he never has a crush on anyone that he doesn't know. He finds some celebrities very attractive (for example, Anne Hathaway), but he does not have a crush on her. Fox has to know the person in order to have a crush on them. That I do know. So this person, whoever she is, he knows her. He has met her in some way. He's had some conversations with her. He may have bought her a star or something.

10:53 pm: We can't seem to rebound the ball on the glass. We've taken a total of three free throw shots the whole game. That means we aren't challenging the Celtics physically. This is just like my last date.

10:54 pm: I am so sick of Mark Jackson's voice. I am thinking of turning the sound down and playing my guitar with my face. That would sound better than listening to that tool on the TV. And the guitar strings would feel good on my face, scratching over all of my zits. Let's try it.

10:55 pm: jkdfgqehgfjwghgfjgewfjkewgfjgewfuykqegfjqkhgilugfugehgfhjer.....aaaahhhhh

10:56 pm: Fox thinks he is so cool with that Blackberry, cranberry, crackberry whatever that damn thing he has that he checks for e-mail every 3.2 seconds.

10:57 pm: Kobe has that look. You know it's the look he gets when he is thinking about bending someone over a chair.

11:00 pm: Going into this series I thought that my team would win the series against the Celtics. Now I am having second thoughts. I think Fox is having second thoughts as well. He was telling me that the Celtics experience and home court advantage might carry them. The Lakers seem like they are in awe of the Celtics and the stage they are on. Half the Laker team looks like they're going to throw up in their shoes during key parts of the games.

11:02 pm: The Celtics just went on a 11-0 run. They are now up by twenty. Where is my roach clip? I hope my mother didn't throw it away thinking it was a hair clip. Hold on.

11:03 pm: Hold on. (Gurgling noise)

11:04 pm: Hoolllddd oooonnn. (Gurgling noise)

11:05 pm: Yeah, that was good. Bunny is my friend. He is you stairmaster. I am your turbo lover.

11:06 pm: I have seen those clips for the new Hulk movie. Didn't they already do a Hulk movie? Didn't that guy from Troy star in it? I wonder who would win in a fight. Hulk versus Aquaman?

11:07 pm: (Gurgling noises) Why won't Jackson just shut up and pass me the chips. That fool is like a hamster caught in a shower with Michael Jackson. Oh...another clip of the new Hulk movie. It looks better than the first movie. I wonder who would win in a fight between Hulk and Hulk Hogan? I would vote for Hogan. He's a true American.

11:10 pm: Who's winning?

11:11 pm: I don't know why the NFL has such a problem with Ricky Williams. I mean he has some sort of social phobia or something. He needs pot in order to, like, talk to people or go to the grocery store. I know what it's like, man, to go through life like a ghost. Like the ghost of Trent Reznor. Fox doesn't like NIN too much. He does like that song where it goes...."I wanna fuck you like an animal....You bring me closer to God....fuuccck you like an animal..." I don't know about any of you, but I think that Fox is a complete mess. He's totally out of control. He doesn't have a clue what he is doing. Sure, that idiot lost like 566 pounds or something, but he's a mess. He's the one who is a "dumpster fire."

11:15 pm: Nice alllop Kobe...just two days too late. We're down by like 21 points now man. This team is like the Laker team two years ago. Kobe can feel the chair now. He's half way there. The salsa looks pretty green, man.

11:16 pm: The match-up of the series. It's Kobe versus Pierce. So far, Pierce is winning. Hands down. Whoever does better, their team will win.

11:17 pm: Fox just called and said he wanted his youth back...ha...I'm sooo funnny. Hamster time. (25 second pause) Hamster is my dancer...she walks like a stream of the blood...the blood runs like a cat...a naked cat who knows how to charge his Visa card.

11:19 pm: Doesn't anyone know that mosquitoes are BAD for you? They cause people to get, like, stupid and yellow. Like some sort of liver thing. They turn bright orange. They piss orange juice. Or something.

11:20 pm: Who the hell is Doug Flute?

11:21 pm: It's 93-71 Celtics. This nightmare is over. This game is a tool. Phil Jackson is a tool. My mom is a tool. She says I should go to college. She should talk. She spends her life in the VIP Room and dancing on a pole dressed like a private school girl. That's where she met my dad. I think he's like some sort of fighter pilot. He's probably smashed his plane into the desert. Fox says that I should go to VCU where he went to school. He says that I would fit in well there. What the hell does he know? He's a train wreck. He's the mental health professions own Tommy Gavin. Like he's a good role model. That guy couldn't find mental health if it broke into his house and stole his Crackberry. That's what I should call him from now on...Tommy...Tommy Gavin. Tommy is the lead character on Rescue Me. He's a drunk. He's delusional. He's completely out of control. He wigs out on a frequent basis. He has people who count on him who also hate him with a passion. He also chases women around without mercy. He is on a path of self destruction....(gurgling noise)....eeehhh....that's right...without mercy.

11:23 pm: Isn't it funny that the Tampa Rays catcher and pitcher had to separated during a game in Texas? Just days after getting into a brawl with the Red Sox and they had to separate their best player from killing some other player who looks like he should be in the bald headed version of ZZ Top? (Gurgling noise for 15 seconds)

11:26 pm: Fox got that whole Belmont Stakes thing all wrong. That stupid idiot. I picked a horse that got scratched before the race. His second place pick, Big Brown, got last place. His third place pick, something like Panama canal or some such, got eighth. Good thing that moron doesn't pick horse races. He told me today that he is picking baseball games now. Good luck with that. He asked me to let everyone know to take the Giants over the Nationals and the Blue Jays over the Mariners tomorrow.

11:32 pm: Bathroom run.

11:37 pm: (Gurgling noises for two minutes...on and off)

11:40 pm: (Singing) Blue bunny on my wall. She sits on my lap. She tells me that I am a rubber band. It's in my head. I could have said no. It was the rubberband in my head. My bottle of Xanax feels just fine, cold steel, cold wheel, bunny wheel...

11:44 pm: WTF!!!! The Lakers just pulled in within four of the Celtics with 38 seconds left. Kobe is on the line to cut it to two points. We're they down by 248 points five minutes ago? WTF!!! I mean I see blue bunnies on the wall, but I don't think I am making this up.

11:49 pm: I guess it was just a dream as Fisher just hit a three point shot off the back of the rim for the fifteenth straight time in this game. That's it. We're cooked. Kobe has to get to his date.

How It All Started, Part II

About two weeks ago, I promised you the Part II of the story of what led me into the behavioral health field...last weekend. I was so overwhelmed by the power and grace of Kimbo Slice to go through with Part II. Here is Part I to catch up to speed.

And now, as promised, Part II:

I was born in Denton, Texas in October of 1971. Then I moved. And moved. And moved. My family criss crossed the Eastern U.S. like we were being relocated in federal witness protection. Come to think of it, maybe we were in witness protection.

Anyways, after over twelve moves, we landed in Front Royal, Virginia which is located in the Shenandoah Valley of Virginia about an hour west of Washington, DC. It was my ninth grade year when the dreadful move to Front Royal was made. At that time, I had the following grades: F, F, F, F, F, F, D. By the way, the D was in P.E. I even failed a class called: "T.V." Obviously, I was a honor roll student before the move. My parents made the decision that since the local high school in Front Royal was in their words, "the worst high school in the state" they decided to send me to Randolph-Macon Academy a private military-prep school located in Front Royal. With the assistance (though totally unwanted) of the discipline and motivation that Randolph-Macon provided I managed to pass the ninth grade. My parents were happy that I was doing better in school, not skipping classes, and not doing any drugs.

After a successful tenth grade year academically and athletically (honor roll student and letters in three sports) I moved into the critical college prep year of being a junior. This was the big year to prepare for applying for college through improving my grades in key courses and preparing for the SAT. I had planned to go to college, but I had no idea of what I was going to study or what I wanted to do with my life. Of course, being 15 it made perfect sense that I had no clue what I wanted to do.

That all changed in September 1987. A few days into my eleventh grade year, I was running on the track around the football field as part of cross training I noticed a red-headed girl also running on the other side of the track. She was the prettiest girl that I had ever seen. She was absolutely stunning. I truly mean this. She was stunning beyond the 15 year old boy hormone addled state that I normally was in. Her beauty was deeper and more captivating than anything that I had experienced previously.

While in high school I was extreme;y shy and had a difficult time in starting conversations with people I did not know. This beautiful young woman caused my anxiety to go into full over drive. However, I felt that I had to meet her somehow and talk to her. I wanted to get a closer look. I swallowed my rational thoughts of wanting to run for the hills and hide under a tree trunk and went up to her to introduce myself.

-Hello, it looks like you are new here.
-Yeah, I just got here a few days ago.
-Do you mind if I ask you your name?
-Scottie.

That is when I first met Scottie. Scottie was sixteen at the time and her adopted parents had sent her to Randolph-Macon Academy in order to get her out of their hair. R-MA was a boarding school that allowed thirty girls (versus 270 boys). Scottie was not only physically stunning with her long red hair and her piercing green eyes, but she also possessed a deep Southern accent that I found deeply charming. I quickly learned that she was from South Carolina where she had lived all her life before being sent to this "exile" in Virginia and that she missed being at home. I also learned that she was also quite intelligent and intuitive. She remarked on many things about her life, my life, and life in general that suggested that she was wiser beyond her tender age. It was clear that she understood a number of things about life...that she seemed much older in her world view. Her combination of intelligence, kindness, intuition, and beauty were mesmerizing. I soon had difficulty thinking about anyone else but her. I quickly became very fond of her and after some time spent talking with her and getting to know her I began to feel very light, lost, hopefully, and most significantly I felt like I was falling. Literally.

Scottie initially did not understand why i was taking such an interest in her. She constantly questioned me as to why I would be talking to her when there were other "prettier girls" to talk to. She was shocked when I asked her out on a date. She initially said "no" and that she only wanted to be friends while quickly adding that there were "better" girls out there. Eventually, she said "yes." Scottie disclosed a number of things over time about herself. She reported that she felt a constant state of unease being at R-MA. She felt moments where the urge to eat everything in sight would become overwhelming. She stated that she often felt very sad and that she cried regularly. She indicated that she was very concerned about her weight and commented on how "fat and ugly" she was. I listened attentively to her feelings and quickly tried to pass them off as being typical for someone who was away from home for the first time. I felt that she would eventually get over it.

As time passed, Scottie became more distant. She became angrier. She had more frequent crying spells. Her attention span waned. She started to fall asleep in class. She began to binge and purge food. Some of these things I knew about...some I didn't. The things I knew about I was sworn to secrecy. Scottie did not want anyone else to know what was happening to her because she felt that "adults who've tired to help me before made things only worse." She stated that she would not forgive me if I disclosed any of this "confidential" information.

I began to get worried. Something did not seem right about Scottie, but I did not know what it was. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted to see her smile. I tried to cheer her up, but to no avail. I did not understand why a sixteen year old girl would be so very sad when she had the whole world ahead of her. She was beautiful, intelligent, and young. It made no sense that she would be unhappy with herself and with life in general. I was curious about this dissonance. I began to wonder what would cause a teenager to be unhappy even though they have everything going for them.

I also was deeply in love. For the first time. I would do anything for her. Including keeping her secrets.

As the leaves began to turn red, yellow, and orange on the trees, I got a note from Scottie stating the following:

"Dear Keith,
I am so very sad. I miss home so very much. I have these 'worry dolls' that my mother gave me before I left. I talk to them all the time and I just cry. I hate myself. I don't understand why you feel anything towards me. I don't understand why you like me. I really can't stop crying. I'm so ugly. I'm so fat. I just feel sad and I want to cry all the time. Do you understand? I think that you are the only one who sees me for me. This what I love about you. I have to say though that I don't know if I could go on living. I really want to end my life. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I am thinking of taking a bunch of pills and not waking up. You can't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone.
Scottie."

The whole world seemed to close in on me as I read her words. I asked myself if she was really saying what she was saying. Did she really want to be dead? That made no sense to me. How could a sixteen year old girl want to die? This couldn't be real. This made no sense. I knew that she needed something. I did not know what. I was sworn to hold her words in confidence. What could I do? I did not know what to do. I knew deep in my heart that I loved her and wanted to help her. That I knew. But how?

I tried talking to her. She stated that she meant what she said in the letter. I tried reasoning with her. She stated that life was not worth living. I kept asking why. She explained that she felt this overwhelming "darkness" that had slipped around her body, infecting her soul, and destroying her spirit. This darkness made her feel hopeless and helpless. It sapped all of her energy. It caused, in her words, "empty pain." I tried everything that I could do to help her turn it all around. Nothing worked. I was tempted to go to the guidance counselor at the school, but Scottie kept telling me to hold her secret like a "glass heart" and to "let it go would be to break it."

Frozen by fear on both sides. I froze.

Till the next note.

The next note was more dire than the first note. I illustrated a more elaborate plan for her own death...by her own hands. I learned in this letter a new word: suicide. Maybe I had seen that word before. Or heard it. I did not know what it meant until Scottie explained in writing that her plan was to end her life. Her plan was to commit suicide.

I could not stand by and watch someone I now deeply love go down a path towards self-destruction and death. I loved her too much to stand back and let things "just happen." I feared for her life. I feared that Scottie would take her life. I still did not understand why she felt so horrible about herself and her life so much so that she wanted to "end it all." All I did understand was that I wanted to help her. I wanted to help my first love. And I did not know how.

Even though I was sworn to secrecy. Her notes were too alarming to let go. I knew I was holding on to something I could hold on to by myself. I knew that I did not have the tools to help, but I knew someone else could. I also knew that this was becoming a matter of life and death and that knowledge was more powerful than the fear that breaking her confidence would result in her ending our relationship. I knew that I loved her. I knew that the only choice I had left was to let someone who could help know what was going on.

Reluctantly, but with clear purpose, I walked into the guidance counselors office and gave him the two notes and informed him of my perceptions of Scottie. He thanked me and told me that I had done the right thing.

A day later came the following exchange:
-Keith, I can't believe you broke our promise. I can't believe it. Now they are telling me I can't stay here. I have to go back home. I can't believe that you did this.
-Scottie, I felt I had no other choice. I had to do it. To help you. I love you.
-We're done.

In truth, the school gave Scottie and her family two options: seek professional help here and stay or voluntarily be discharged from the school and return to South Carolina. Scottie and her family chose to leave the school. The next day she was gone. The following day she was checked into a psychiatric facility for adolescents in South Carolina where she was treated for "clinical depression" and "suicidal tendencies."

I was emotionally devastated. I was also very curious. I also found a mission.

Next up: Part III

Running Diary With Dippy

Dippy and I are here tonight preparing for Game 1 of the NBA Finals in the capital of the state of Virginia, Richmond. One of my favorite places in my heart to live even though when I lived here there were at least three murders a day and more crack than Amy Winehouse and Tatum O'Neal could handle in a week...maybe. Dippy on the other hand also loves Richmond for probably different reasons. Though I am not sure. We are going to do a running diary together as we try to count off the minutes to the first tip of the Lakers-Celtics series. We are in a horrible hotel room watching the TV eating from Bottoms Up Pizza (the best pizza place I have ever frequented...a Richmond staple.)

8:04 pm: Dippy: The Tru Network who used to be Court TV has this show called "Speeders" where there is a camera crew rolling with a traffic cop. On this episode, they are rolling with the North Las Vegas PD. Great. They pulled over an absolute bitch who is "freaking grumpy" when she doesn't it.
Fox: I get grumpy when I don't eat. I threaten to eat roadkill or someones cat if I don't get dinner on time.
Dippy: So what did you do to my rabbit Fluffy a couple days ago. She disappeared.
Fox: I don't know a damn thing about that.
Dippy: Now the show is playing music from CHiPs.
Fox: Exactly. Is this a real show? I mean are these real cops?
Dippy: Of course, they are. It's TV. It's gotta be real.
Fox: Just like the blood on your razors?
Dippy: Exactly....by the way...eeeeehhhhh.....
Fox: Here we go.

8:09 pm: Dippy: This Ahmed guy they have pulled over is more selfish than Kobe.
Fox: But Kobe isn't selfish anymore from what I hear.
Dippy: The only reason why he isn't selfish is because he is the best player on the court. He is so much better than all of his teammates. He is the guy. We've been over this. This isn't new.
Fox: Just like your cut marks aren't new?
Dippy: These cut marks were made days ago.
Fox: You just did that one three minutes ago.

8:12 pm: Fox: Now they are showing a commercial for Yaz that apparently is a birth control pill.
Dippy: Would you feel confident about your birth control pill if it were named "Yaz?"
Fox: Why not? Shouldn't all of our medications sound like drinks you could order at a bar?
Dippy: Like we should re-name Prozac something like "Spark"?
Fox: And re-name Xanax into like...the "Slide."

8:15 pm: Fox: We are with Officer Dotel of the Chattanooga PD. Chattanooga, Tennessee has got to be the 14th ring of hell. The lady he just pulled over is probably a stripper at one of those all night diners they have down there. She weighs about 425 pounds.
Dippy: eeehhh...She probably has a tumor the size of an orange.
Fox: That isn't funny. I mean. Do you really need a cancer blast?
Dippy: My life is a cancer.
Fox: Just stop. "My life is a cancer." WWWaaaaa!!!
Dippy: Stop making fun of me. Stop making fun of me you asshole!!...eeehhh...(55 second pause)
Fox: You make my point. Hey!!! Keep that off the food.
Dippy: You'll be Jesus if you drink it.
Fox: OK. Let's move on. (45 second pause) So whose going to win this series?
Dippy: What?
Fox: Who is going to win this series?
Dippy: Big Brown.
Fox: That's the horse race this weekend. I am talking about the series.
Dippy: Well, you promised the readers they would get a pick from you on the Belmont Stakes. You have to do what you promised.
Fox: No, I don't. I got married once and vowed not to flirt with waitresses, drink hard booze, and cheat. I mean that didn't seem to work out. No one should really take what I say literally anyways. No. They shouldn't. I need another beer. Get me another beer, maggot.
Dippy: (Handing over a beer) So what is your pick for the Belmont? Big Brown is a 2-5 odds.
Fox: Well, unless I do an trifecta with Big Brown winning I am not going to make any money on picking him. His trainer, Richard Dutrow, appears to be a big scum bag. I heard him basically guarantee that his horse would win. He comes off as bad as TO. He also has that cracked toe issue. This has another disaster on the track written all over it.

8:35 pm: Dippy: This Speeders show can not be real. The "cop" is letting two women who look like hookers dance on the sidewalk like pole dancers and they are going to get off the ticket.
Fox: They're lucky that they don't have to do more than just dance.
Dippy: Well, the camera is on...eeehhh...(25 second pause).
Fox: So do you mix the pain and sex together?
Dippy: Yeah, sure.
Fox: You're still a virgin aren't you?
Dippy: Stop!!!!
Fox: So we were talking about the Belmont. I do not think that Big Brown will win. He'll get second. Casino Drive is a good 10-3 line. I am taking him to win a longer race. Guadalcanal will get third.
Dippy: Do you know anything about horse racing?
Fox: No. I just bet on who I think will win.
Dippy: But, you have no idea how to pick who you think will win. You're just looking at the odds and whether or not you like the odds.
Fox: When in doubt. Look at the lines. No, seriously. I don't think Big Brown is going to win. I think that the toe will come back to haunt him. It's a longer race and he isn't going to be able to keep the pace for the whole time. I think Casino Drive is the favorite to beat him.

8:43 pm: Dippy: So we're watching the pre-game now. I couldn't handle watching the Speeders show. I mean unless there was like real sex going on I don't want to watch it.
Fox: So your priorities are in order.
Dippy: A segment on Kobe. Back on the 30th of May last year he was talking about getting traded out of LA. Now, he's talking about his teammates as "his boys" a year later. What a tool.
Fox: A tool that is your only hope to win a NBA title in the next two decades. He is the best player in the league. He is a "killa" on the court.
Dippy: And a rapist off of it.
Fox: The charges went away. He did not have to go to trial. He's presumed innocent.
Dippy: Something did happen in that hotel room.
Fox: Well, of course it did. I know it did. He got his groove on with a Colorado chick and it went down bad and there you go.
Dippy: Speaking of hotel rooms. I heard you had an interesting time in the hotel in Charlottesville recently. They really should never let you go to any conferences.
Fox: Let's say that my image of psychologists has changed. I used to think that they were very uptight and not very personable. All those contact with rats and mazes and everything just messes with their brains. They don't learn how to relate to people. So this one we met at the hotel. She definitely was personable.
Dippy: Wasn't she completely loaded?
Fox: Sure. There was no way she could make it back to her room on her own without help at the end.
Dippy: Didn't she try at one point to get you to grope her?
Fox: Look. There was no groping. She did grab my arms on multiple occasions and at one point pulled my arms down over the top of her head from behind. I am not sure what she wanted. She was feeling no pain as they say. Let's just let it go.

8:55 pm: Dippy: Who the hell is that singing the national anthem? He sucks. This is horrible.
Fox: It's James Taylor. He's been dead for twenty years.
Dippy: This is awful. This sucks.
Fox: Anything that isn't Trent Reznor sucks to you.
Dippy: Reznor is a fucking sell-out.
Fox: They're introducing the Lakers now at the Garden. Oh, it's the TD Waterhouse Garden now. The Garden now isn't the real Garden. The real Boston Garden was always 100 degrees during the Finals. That was special.
Dippy: Here we go. They go the cheesy intro music now for the Celtics. How over dramatic.
Fox: You should talk.
Dippy: eeeehhh...(45 second pause)...eh..there it is.
Fox: So whose your pick for the series?
Dippy: I think the Lakers are going to win in six.
Fox: You have to look at how the series is broken down in terms of who the home team is. Games 1 and 2 are in Boston, the next three in LA, and then the last two, if it gets that far are back in Boston. So LA needs to at least win one game in Boston before going to LA, which I think they can do. But, I don't think that LA will win all three in LA though. So for a Game 6 and 7 they are in Boston. If it gets that far, then I think Boston could pull it out.
Dippy: eeeehhhh....(55 second pause)

9:21 pm: Dippy: So the game has started now. KG has already scored four points and the game is tied.
Fox: The crowd is wearing stupid white T-shirts that say "Gotta Beat LA." This fad of having the whole crowd in one color need to now just go away. It's so stupid now. How sorry do you have to be as a fan base that you need to wear the same color t-shirt to get into the game. You shouldn't have to do that. The Boston fans just have proven how horrible they are as fans. You shouldn't need t-shirts, jumbotrons, and cheerleaders to help you be a part of the game. LA fans are not going to wear the same colored shirts. They know all they need to know to be in the game and urge their team on. They don't need props. If your team's fans need props to get "into it" then it's how demeaning it is that your sex buddy needs "toys" and other things to get off. It's the same concept.
Dippy: So no whips and chains for you?
Fox: No. I don't anything like that. I know you do.
Dippy: Stop making fun of me! Stop making fun of me!
Fox: Get out. Put the beer down. Get out.