Relationship Rule #145: Don't Make A Sex Tape

There are many rules in relationships. Some involve toothpaste, toilet paper, communication, and trust. I have come tonight to state another one: Don't ever ever ever make a sex tape. The are many solid reasons to not make a sex tape. First, no one really wants to see it beside those who made it (and even that part is questionable). Case in point, this week Amy Fisher, famous only for shooting her lover's wife in the face as a teenager, reached an agreement with a production company so that her sex tape that she made with her husband can be promoted and released. This is the last thing that anyone really needs or wants who does not have some sort of pathological fetish or some other sexual disorder. I would rather watch endless episodes of "Knight Rider" or "The Fact of Life" then watching an Amy Fisher (or anyone else's) sex tape. Another reason for not having a sex tape is you can lose control over it when things goes bad. Amy Fisher stated that her husband sold the tape to the production company when they were in a "rocky" part of their relationship. In other words, "my husband got mad at me for burning the pancakes in the fireplace, slamming the Honda into a pole, and shaving the words "kick me" on the dog so he's going to take our sex tape to be sold by a production company run by Tony Soprano." She and her husband (the stars of their absurd love fest) reported that they have now reconciled. Obviously, these two must be made for each other. Point is: when things go bad your "romantic" love fest caught on tape can end up in someone's hands (literally). When this happens, anything happens. Next thing you know the sex tape ends up on YouPorn (yes, this site actually does exist) or sold to someone in the porn industry. At that point, it can't be erased (especially after it has been downloaded about 3 million times in Thailand alone). My last point on this subject is if your relationship needs to have a sex tape to "spice things up" then your relationship is already in trouble (which could lead to the first two reasons). If you have to cheapen and demean your relationship by making porn to add a little flavor then your relationship is crippled. One of my cardinal rules in a relationship is do not let things get boring. There are a number of ways to keep things interesting that do not involve manufacturing porn. Go on a vacation. Go out on the town. Go out on a date (with each other). Have a food fight. Look for UFO's. Exercise together. Start a hobby together (that does not involve manufacturing porn). If you have to go that level then your relationship has gotten so empty, stale, and pointless that it needs to end. There are many ways to spice things up in the bedroom besides making something that could end up downloaded by 5.5 million people in Russia alone.

Other Notes On The Weekend:

I was a full 0-4 picking this weekend's Wild Card match-ups. This is why I am posting inane irreverent blogs and not on TV picking games. Luckily, I had no money on any of these games or I would be selling plasma tomorrow. I have to hand it to the Jaguars for managing to weather the comeback by the Steelers in the fourth quarter. As the Steelers were coming back, you could see them lose composure. They were screaming at the refs, getting into smack-offs with the Steelers players, and making multiple mental errors. However, on 4th and 2, Gerrard managed to gallop his way into field goal territory for the winning kick at the most critical point in the game. I had erroneously predicted that he would not hold up under the pressure. I will say (and this is unique for me) that I was dead wrong. He may have been the only player on Jacksonville's team to hold it together at the moment. Luckily, he had the ball in his hands. What I also failed to realize is that Coach Tomlin for the Steelers would be chasing two point conversions that he did not need when it matters most. A playoff rookie coach mistake. These mistakes cost him and his team the game.
Did anyone notice that huge smiles on the faces of Eli Manning and Norv Turner at the end of their games? Looked like they had pulled off robbing a casino. They definitely got the monkeys off their backs this weekend.