Around a year ago I began a spiral of self-destruction and soul searching that involved dancing with the devil, looking down the cliffside, diving off the cliff, catching my own fall, medical crises, lost conferences, and eventual rebirth. This rebirth occurred as part of my own metamorphasis that has caused deep scars and a new sense of self. This past year has been a year of deeper self-reflection, discovering a darker image of myself in the mirror, dancing with both the angel and devil that brought me to this point, and a new light that has illuminated everything into a clarity I have never seen. This clarity has created hope, but has illuminated the messes that I have created. Again, I have risen like a phoenix from the flames. Now, I am using a shop-vac to clean up the mess that was left behind from the year long spiral.
As music is the soundtrack of life. I wanted to make mention of songs I have listened to through this journey as a way to clear the air and release the energy that the journey has created.
You're A Wolf-Sea Wolf
This song is about dancing with the devil...who just happens to be dressed up as a much younger attractive woman. This song involves an intellectual temptation that is deeper than the obvious physical temptation. Either way the road goes with this devil (or angel) it ends badly on the rocks below the cliff side.
The Heinrich Maneuver-Interpol (Re-Mix)
This re-mix of the Interpol album from last year is charged with longing for the future, but feeling trapped by the ghosts of love past and the need for something new to freshen the pot. The lyric: "I don't want to take your heart/I don't want a piece of history/I don't want to read your thoughts anymore", says everything to me.
Goodnight, California-Kathleen Edwards
One day, Kathleen Edwards will get her due as a top song writer. This lovely song from her most recent album provides a glimpse into the depths of her lyrics that drip with reconciliation mixed with loss. This is one of my favorite songs that I listen to on my drive to and from work. The beat fits with the passing of miles, trucks, and rolling hills. As I listen, I feel the sadness embedded in walking away from everything. Walking away from the table with all your heart's chips on the table...and not looking back...not because you want to, but you have to in order to save yourself.
You Got Growin Up To Do-Joshua Radin
Love is tough. Love is complicated. It's worse when you can't give anymore and then the only healthy option for them and you is to just walk away. This song reflects that sentiment. This song is simple. It's power is it's simplicity.
Running Up That Hill-Placebo
This 2007 remake of the Kate Bush classic is particularly fitting song for me and this time of my life. It reminds me again that no matter how much I want to take away someones pain and to "trade places" with them and "make a deal with God" that it is impossible. People have to find their own way out of the staircase of self-destruction. This is something I must always remind myself of as it is my natural inclination to take on more than I can handle and to rescue people from themselves.
Fell on Bad Days-Rubyface
This song is from the TV series, Rescue Me, soundtrack. The show is one of the very few shows I will actually watch. I have referenced it on a few occasions in this blog. This songs speaks of a journey through life's broken glass and fire...and coming out the other side. The ending mantra of "It doesn't feel so bad..." fits how my journey this year as led me to the other side of a tunnel where I have found rebirth and the past "does not feel so bad." Another line speaks of "I hear your voice in the wind...and it's tempting" which also speaks to the journey as well.
Devil-Stereophonics
Also from the Rescue Me TV series soundtrack. I have dealt with a multitude of temptresses over the last year both of flesh and of the heart. These have taken on many different forms. All of those forms have represented both the angel and the devil simultaneously. In the past year, I have danced with both and has this song depicts I have made it to the last dance realizing the temptations for what they are.
Deeper and Deeper-Dave Gahan
This song is about pure anger and lust mixed together. This song holds absolutely nothing back. At times, I'll hear this song and it gives me the ability to get into the mindset that I need to do the things I need to do that are not so savory. It also reflects the person I turned into for the greater part of the last year. A person that is in all of us, believe me it is...it's just that most of us fortunately do not live in that person for long.
Time To Pretend-MGMT
This song has quickly become my favorite. This song, to me, is about lost youth and the constant chase after it is lost to run after it: "I'm feeling rough/I'm feeling wrong in the time of my life...This is our decision to live fast and die young/We got the vision now let's have some fun" This song virtually says it all for me. This "happy" song with the sharp lyrics reflects the whole year for me in a nutshell. What is on the surface has not reflected the journey in my heart and soul that has led me to the other side...a year older...a year wiser...a new year filled with hope...with a year's worth of cuts and scrapes to show for it all.
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