What Am I Doing Here?

As I am watching Bob Costas sleepwalk his way through the Olympic prime time segment of the Beijing Olympic marathon every single night, I am wondering why I am here sitting in my kitchen with six month old mail piled up all over the place with nothing to write about.

There does not seem anything in my mind that is happening that really appeals to me as a subject of writing. The Russians signed a truce with Georgia and agreed to pull their troops out of their advanced positions in Monday. Well, it's Friday, and they kinda sorta have moved a little bit. Meanwhile, they blew up a key bridge just for giggles. Nothing to write about here. None of this news was very surprising. I considered sending Russian President for Life Putin a letter stating that he had made his point and could now pull back his troops. His point was that Russia is back as a military force ready to push around other countries again that dare rattle their cage and that the US is so spread thin that they will not make a move to protect one of it's stated allies. This fact must make the Ukraine, Poland, Latvia, Estonia, and Lithuania feel very secure. The Ukrainians are extremely worried that they are next on the list of Russian prom date massacres and have stated as much in their discussions with the US and their neighbors who are also quivering. The Russians in the last five years poisoned a presidential candidate, cut of gas and oil supplies, and massed troops at the border just to menace their border guards. Ukraine is Russia like Kansas, Iowa, and Nebraska are to the US...key agricultural land, which Russia is sorely without. What? Siberia is not a place to grow corn?

So do I talk about Michael Phelps who, by himself, made the Olympics relevant again in the US? What is there to talk about that has not already been said? Phelps is a phenom. Phelps is the most gifted athlete in the last two years. He has more gold medals than any other athlete ever in any sport. Phelps looks like he is 15. He seems quirky. His diet is somewhere around 12,000 calories a day, which is 11,990 calories more than the Olsen twins combined consume in a day. What I wonder about Phelps is when he chooses to pack it in as a world class athlete (what else does he have to prove?) and hangs up the speedo racer suit that helped everyone break world records this year, what will his diet be like then? Will he continue to consume the Olsen twins every day? If so, will he bloom out to the weight of Tony Soprano or Marlon Brando? Will he then end up on The Biggest Loser? If he ends up on that show, then I am watching that. I am not watching him swim again. There's no point in that. No real drama there. But, ten years down the line when he weighs 463 pounds and is on a reality TV show trying to lose weight because he can't stop eating large pizzas with pepperoni every night followed by a 54 oz. milkshake from Sonic? That is something I want to see.

What about writing about the upcoming election? What is there to say about a botox addicted grumpy Republican running against Oprah? What is exciting about that? One married into $100 million dollars and the other....umm...umm...umm...I don't know...he probably has $100 million in a slush fund in Grenada. Who knows? My only thought right now is that I am praying that Oprah Obama does not pick my governor as the VP candidate. First off, selecting Tim Kaine would be a disaster for him and the state of Virginia. Kaine has no national Q rating. He really is not someone that would inspire those undecided voters in Oklahoma or Texas to vote for Oprah. If the state loses Kaine then all bets are off in Virginia and everything that he has gained here will go completely out the window. He also would get to opt himself out of the biggest budget mess that Virginia has seen in 15 years and we simply can't allow that. It's a rule. You're not allowed to leave office with a $1 billion deficit early. No way. You've got to stay and deal with it. Gov. Terminator in California is dealing with it so must everyone else. My message to Oprah Obama is to pick Wesley Snipes as his running mate.