Dear Kidnapper #47

Dear Kidnapper #47,

Why won't you show us your true self? Your true face? Are you the face of pure evil? The face of someone who would sell a drug addicted resistance puppy to a Chinese restaurant? Someone who would kidnap a pirate bear keeping him from the hookers that frequent the Wyndham Virginia Beach Oceanfront hotel? I mean you do not rank up there with the great evil doers in the world like Stalin, Hitler, Pee-Wee Herman, Ozzy Osbourne, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, and both Bush presidents. They would have the fortitude to let us see their faces...and then promptly shoot darts at them in a smoky basement dungeon frequented by starving artists from Richmond. No, you have to hide behind a useless pointless number and crazy ransom notes like the one pictured above. No, true evil will show his/her face to the world. You, on the other hand, show us nothing, but scribbled notes on a legal pad and a silly number. Do you expect me to take you seriously? It seems that you have no honor. You have little courage. You expect me to pick Washington as a favorite sports city just because you say so. I should be swayed by your threats of violence towards a pirate bear because you are a tormented Washington sports fan? Of course, I am only assuming that you are a Washington sports fan. Since you will not show us your face, your favorite team's jersey, or any needle marks I can't tell what exactly you are.

Let me ask this question.

Do you really want me to be a sports fan of teams based in your city of Washington?

Let's look at what has happened to Atlanta sports in my tenure as an Atlanta professional sports team fan:

1. Professional sports teams in Atlanta have won exactly one world championship.

2. The Braves went to the play-offs ten million straight times and won the World Series once.

3. The Falcons went to one Super Bowl. The night before the game one of their star defensive players gets busted for being with a hooker and they played against Denver in Elway's last game.

4. The Hawks have never been to an NBA Finals while in Atlanta. The closest they came was the Eastern Conference Finals in the eighties.

5. The Flames played in Atlanta, then left for Calgary.

6. The Thrashers have been to one NHL play-off series and did not win a game.

7. The star quarterback for the Falcons is now in federal prison.

8. The last Falcons coach left with four games left in the season...for Arkansas.

9. The owner of the Falcons looks like a cross between a shyster used car salesman and a old porn star.

10. A Hawks player recently signed a contract to play basketball...in Greece.

Do I need to go any further? As a sports fan, I have somehow cursed Atlanta sports (or is it vice versa?) During the same time period in Atlanta sports the Redskins won two Super Bowls, played in three, and have gone to the play-offs countless times. The Capitals typically are a play-off team. They won their division last season. They have been to one Cup Finals series. The Wizards/Bullets franchise won a NBA title and played in another Final the following year. They were also a play-off team in the last two seasons (even though they got embarrassed each time by King James each time). The MLS franchise has won four titles. Admittedly, Washington professional baseball is cursed, but they are a retread from Canada and they don't know how to play baseball (or football) in Canada...except in Toronto, but that city is basically a US city anyways.

So do you really want my curse to fall upon the professional sports franchises in Washington? Do you really want that as a Washington fan? If I chose your city, then you get my curse to go with it. That is a promise not some empty threat.

However, I will choose...on two conditions.

1. Brett Favre must decide if he is going to play or not this season. I do not care if he plays for the Texans or an AFL or CFL team. I don't care. He is either retired this season or plays.

2. I want proof of life of the pirate bear.

Fox.