My Message To Kidnapper 47: I'm Sticking With Atlanta

Dear Kidnapper 47,

The FBI handlers have told me that the more time that goes by without word about the kidnapped victim (Dippy the Pirate Bear) the less likely that the victim is still alive. They also advised that since there was no true proof of life there is no way to tell for sure whether or not the emo kid in a pirate bear costume is still amongst the living. They suggested that I make an appeal, in public, to the kidnapper and appeal to the fact that the victim is not some sort of play thing (though some swingers in Va. Beach would say otherwise), but a living being with emotions and even a family. Personally, I have not seen Dippy's family in the year after the big insurance scam bust at their house. However, Dippy is a living being and one should consider that before doing something crazy.

Your demand to choose Washington, DC sports though tempting in many ways over Atlanta is simply stupid in the end. Why would I give in to your demands when there is still no guarantee that Dippy is even still alive? The FBI tells me that Dippy could already be dead. So what is the point in giving in now? There is no proof of life. There has been no communication from you in weeks. Nothing. There is no real incentive to do what you say.

Listen, it would be easy to reject Atlanta sports. Real easy and very tempting. The Falcons will be underdogs in every game this year. The Braves are incredibly depressing with little hope in sight. The Hawks have done nothing to improve their team and in all likelihood they have damaged it more than anything else. On an on I could go. However, the biggest rule in sports fandom is that when you are young and you pick a team that's it that is your team forever. No turning back. You can cheat all you want, but you can never divorce your first sports love. Ever.

So what comes down to is that I have principals that I will not completely compromise. I was tempted to give in to your demands, but with the fact that even if I did give in there is no guarantee that Dippy comes back with all his fur together, I am not going to give in. I will not give in. It is Atlanta or else. There will be no negotiation. Do what you need to do with Dippy, but I am not budging. You can try to pressure me, but it will not work. I will not give in to your demands. So if that means that Dippy comes back in 56 freezer bags then so be it.

Yours,
Fox