Pulling a Favre

Awhile back I officially retired from fantasy sports. More specifically, I retired from fantasy football within months of the rush to get mock fantasy drafts in order, to start leagues, and to send smack to all your fellow league owners that your team--aptly named the Vultures or the Village People--would kill their team who was also aptly named. I stated that I wanted a life outside of fantasy sports to do things like (a) have a job (b) take care of my family (c) have regular sex (d) cheat on my taxes and (e) all of the above.

So I retired. Then I stated that I would not pull a Favre. Yes, Favre is now a verb. When one retires and then un-retires within four months or less it is called "a Favre" or Favring. So I exclaimed that I would not be coming back. That I would not pull a Favre. I deeply devoted myself to retirement and was planning the rest of my life. I vowed that when August came that the juices would not be flowing and if they were they were as a result of desiring more pleasurable things such as sex, booze, and movies starring Anne Hathaway.

However, as Barry Bonds and I were talking about how no one was calling either one of us to get into any games, it all hit me. I am retired. I am not going to be playing fantasy football this year. I won't be praying for three weeks of the pre-season that my starting quarterback would not get hit by a bus or run his motorcycle into a passing car. That I would not be hoping that the star linebacker of my defense would not end up with two torn knee ligaments. Or that my star running back would not be indicted for federal drug conspiracy (by the way, anyone can get busted by the feds for drug conspiracy...say hello to any drug dealer whether you know them or not will get you five in Leavenworth). I am not in it. And it makes me feel sad.

I am missing the game like I miss regular sex and playing in a band. Rough. Very rough.

So I am making this announcement to all league managers and commissioners....

Invite me to your league and I will join. Yes, that means that I would be pulling a Favre. So sue me. Or send me to the gulags. I don't care. I will join the first league that calls (or e-mails, or texts, or sends a pigeon) and only one. It does not matter what league and where. The first league that contacts me with an invite will get my best effort. I have six league championships to my credit so you are playing with fire, but at least I am not on performance enhancing drugs (unless you count blood pressure medication) and I have not been indicted...yet.

If no one contacts me before the first NFL game of the season, then I am staying retired and will likely stay that way to spite all you sorry asses. I learned how to say that from Barry Bonds who feels the same way about all the MLB teams that won't call him. Though they have many more reasons to NOT call him no matter how many people end up on the DL (yes, I am talking to you, Tampa Bay).

So click the mouse, or the keyboard, or whatever. Invite me back and I will join. Otherwise, it's your loss (and my family's gain--maybe).