8:42 pm: Belmont is playing against a shaky Duke team. There is eleven minutes left to go in the 2nd half and Belmont leads by two. My brackets (all 1,000 of them) will fall apart with a Duke loss. Also, Kansas State is giving USC a run for it's money and I am sure I took USC on at least 900 of my brackets. Duke really isn't Duke anymore are they? They have been shaky and over rated for years now just because they have Duke across their chests. It's the same concept that lead to Kentucky being placed in the tournament even though they were terrible outside their conference and lost their first game in the conference tournament to an inferior Georgia team. Duke as a whole is completely narcissistic in their overall approach to the game and probably life in general. They are like the woman or man at the bar who is a 6 and they think they are a 10.
8:47 pm: Duke and Belmont are tied and I just really need more Advil as a tooth is beginning to fall out of my head. That's probably because I have not seen a dentist in five years since I nearly died the last time I was in a dentist chair. I'm still not going. I don't care what happens. I will just drink more vodka and listen to Cyndi Lauper oldies.
8:49 pm: I hate commercials. Especially commercials that have happy families driving around in a vehicle that I can't afford. And really, are there any happy families? Speaking of which, I can't seem to find mine. My uncle calls me up today stating that he tried to call my parents and the number was disconnected and there was no listing of them when he called 411. We have not gotten any word that they had moved or have a new number. My family is really screwed up, I think. They are probably on the run from the Russian or Irish mob, I am not sure which. I suspect I will find out they are being chased by that killer from No Country For Old Men.
8:53 p.m.: My brain is about to explode. Kansas State is now up by eight over USC. I really dislike any school from the Big 12 or Big Ten. If those schools could be wiped from the NCAA for being irrelevant to real competition then that would be fine. Those conferences think they are great conferences. They truly are not. The Big 12 has had one champion in the tournament in 50 years, just to name one example. Belmont is staying close to Duke and Coach K looks more and more like a killer rat every moment.
8:59 p.m.: I still hate commercials. I hate commercials for cell phones, cell phone hustlers, erectile dysfunction medication, and puppets.
9:02 p.m.: I have just watched an exchange between Duke and Belmont where each team ran up and down the court taking three point shots and missing. Is this what we should expect from these players in the NBA where no one can hit a consistent shot except for Kobe, Nash, and King James? Can't wait. Belmont is still close and I am close to shredding my bracket sheets and a few fingers (since I am going to lose them anyways to pay my debt to the Russian mob for picking bad games and to get my parents back).
9:06 p.m.: Belmont is pretty scrappy. They believe they can beat Duke here. Duke is so damn over rated anyways. They think they are so hot. Gosh!
9:07 p.m.: Belmont just pulled within one with a great jump shot. Duke is like a stale beer that stays in your frig for five years until you get desperate for a beer during that illegal mob boss party that you had to hold to get your family back.
9:09 p.m.: Belmont is now up by one and Coach K looks like he is on death row. Did I just see Vince Gill jumping in the stands? Where's Elvis? Where's my family?
9:10 p.m.: Sloppy shot by Belmont as the shot clock was winding down. Good defensive stop by Duke for a change. Now about a minute left and a Belmont one point lead. Don't they know that they are a 15 seed? Don't they know if they win then they will be cursed forever? I mean anyone who beats Duke will have a swarm of beetles attack their campus and eat all their pizza. By the way, an 11 seed (Kansas State) is going to beat a 6 seed (USC).
9:15 p.m.: A great running through the lane lay-up by Duke's Henderson to put them ahead by one. Belmont goes down the court with ten seconds left and lose their minds, fail to take a timeout, and take a bad shot. Then they get a jump ball call and throw the ball away. I guess that is why they are a 15 seed and are from the Atlantic Sun conference.
9:22 p.m.: Duke wins the game by one and Coach K gets a call from the President staying the execution. So we will have to deal with Coach Rat Face for another game on Saturday. I was really hoping that Duke would lose so that the aura of Duke basketball would get smashed again by them losing another first round game. But no, I never ever ever get what I want when comes to sports or love. Gosh!
9:25 p.m.: Can anyone tell me why BYU has a basketball team? Isn't that illegal? USC just lost which killed about 900 of my brackets. I just lost the Russian mob bracket pool. This means that I will have to hand over the deed to the house and only be able to contact my family by carrier pigeon as they will be working for the rest of their lives in a Russian sweat shop some where north of the Artic Circle. I need more vodka.
9:30 p.m.: Does anyone else think that the Old Spice Hair and Body Wash commerical is patently homo-erotic? Is it only me that catches these things? Where is my Coors Light?
9:34 p.m.: As I am thinking about it now I think that guy from No Country For Old Men is probably on his way to my house to collect on the Russian mob bracket bet. I am not sure what to do about it. I am wondering if begging for mercy will work. Probably not. Maybe if I set the house on fire he'll think I got killed in a house fire. Probably not. Maybe I should just take a handful of LSD hits and pretend that none of this is really happening.
9:37 p.m.: He's coming through the door now....I'm hiding under the table...I have got my LSD hits with me. I left my gun in my car. Oh, well. Cheers!! Maybe I can make a deal. I'll trade my life for my robot, Stanley. Stanley is a killer gay robot who was sent from the future to keep me alive until 2016 when I run for President of Iraq and win. He is also supposed to keep me away from chasing women. He is not doing a good job at that however.
10:00 p.m.: Still hiding....
10:02 p.m.: Still hiding...
10:04 p.m.: Still hiding...
10:07 p.m.: Popping LSD hits...wait a minute...didn't I do that already? Oh, well. Cheers!!!
10:10 p.m.: Found out that the US State Department has issued a "Fact Sheet" warning about going to Beijing for the Olympics. The State Department warns that Americans can be subject to surveillance while in their hotel rooms, offices, and brothels (I made that up, sorry). I have firmly maintained that the U.S. should boycott the Beijing Olympics. There is a long list as to why: The "Fact Sheet", Tibet, Horrible Pollution, Major Human Rights Violations, Severely Unbalanced Trade, Sweat Shops, Communism, The Korean War, and Jackie Chan.
10:25 p.m.: Look!! West Virginia is being coached by a drunk guy!! If WVU wins this game against Arizona (not an easy task) then Coach Drunk Guy will go against Coach Rat Face on Saturday. I am pulling for Coach Drunk Guy. I mean Coach Hudgins looks like he can drink anyone under the table and beat the living crap out of you at the same time. I would have loved to play for that guy when I was playing. It would have been great to have keg parties with the Coach. Since WVU was one of the colleges that accepted my sad college application in 1988 I will always root for them against anyone except VCU and Georgia.
10:29 p.m.: UCLA (another favorite of mine) is up by 18 in their game. I would hope so since they are a #1 seed. If UCLA loses this game then I will let the guy from No Country For Old Men find me under my kitchen table. Of course, I am thinking that my daughter will actually tell him where I am out of spite anyways. I might as well give up.
10:31 p.m.: OOOHHHHH pretty colors....blue, pink, red all spinning together like a hamster caught in the dryer. Pass the Doritos and ammunition. God is a cat. God is a dog. God is a toenail clipping. Look blood!!!
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