A Letter To Cheeseheads

Dear Cheeseheads,

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my office escaping my employees who secretly want me dead. Wait a minute, they actually do want me dead. They want me to be pushed to insanity like Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights. I turn on the Crackberry and read the e-mail headings in the nearly 3,000 e-mails I get daily. Most of these e-mails are from mobsters or pimps, but that is of little concern. I find a news alert stating that your favorite icon in Green Bay. Your #4. Your favorite Vicodin savior. Your Brett Favre announced his retirement from 17 years of NFL football. Most for your team--The Packers. Then I learned that there was no melodramatic tearful press conference where he announces in front of clicking cameras and hideous close-ups that he is finished. No on-field interview as snow was flying around Lambeau. No interview with Barbara Walters or Oprah Obama. He let us know that he was retiring by leaving voice mails and letting it officially be announced through the team's leadership. I felt a little miffed that Bret did not announce this to you face to face. He has been so honest and up-front with his up's and down's with you all throughout his time in Green Bay. Up until now. This was like finding out you were getting a divorce through your mailman delivering the divorce papers. I quickly got over Brett stiffing you until I heard interviews with you immediately after the announcement that Brett was not coming back from Mississippi this summer. I heard your reactions of full-blown grief, shock, and mourning. I heard how nothing was ever going to be the same again. I heard how the sun will never shine on Lambeau Field again. I heard how you needed to cry over your loss. Once I heard all of this, I knew that I needed to write you with several thoughts.

First, Brett Favre is not dead. I repeat. Brett did not die in a plane crash like Clemente. He did not get eaten by a bear. He did not get run over by a speed boat running cocaine into Miami. He did not die. Brett is definitely still alive. With this in mind, I have to say that you are over reacting. You are reacting as if your mother died or your favorite pet. You are acting as if you are going to go to his funeral and have his #4 jersey draped over a yellow and green coffin (and I KNOW that one exists!!!) and some sort of salute involving turkey shooters and bratwurst. Calm down. Brett is still alive. You are still alive. You do not need to act as if he did. You are being more melodramatic than Brit Spears. Stop, wake up, and smell the cheese.

Second, Brett may not be completely done. It is March. The season starts in six months. Training camp is in four months. Every NFL player is exhausted in March. Every player is looking in the mirror and asking themselves if they really have another year left in the tank. Favre, of course, is mentally tired. He is a NFL quarterback. He is one of the best quarterbacks ever to play. He holds the career mark for interceptions. However, Favre physically is in good shape. Physically he is able to play at a very high level. He still has the ability to lead his team into the play-offs and beyond. I definitely imagine after Favre kills a few animals and hits a golf ball one too many times into a creek or does another commercial for acid reflux disease that the fire will return. The competitive drive will come back and he'll be dying to get back on the field. I will not believe that he is completely retired until Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap for your team in a real regular season game--in September.

Third, please please give Aaron Rodgers a chance. I know that he is not Brett. No one is going to be Brett. Brett is an all-time gamer. He is one of the best. Notice that I did not say was. I said is. I am not convinced that he is really done. However, in case he is then I need to tell you to give Rodgers a chance. I do not know how good he will be. I do not know if he will be able to lead your team to the promised land. I do not know if he will develop a gambling habit or a Vicodin addiction or have a desire to see dogs kill each other. I do not know and neither do you. I do know that your team felt that he had the athletic ability and potential to be your starting quarterback. I do know that you will destroy any chance he has to be an effective quarterback who will lead the Packers to victory if you turn on him the moment he has a bad game. If a rainstorm of boos come from you every time he throws that ill-timed interception or dart into the dirt thirty yards away from any receiver, then you will kill him. Once that happens, then he is no good to you and a long line of really horrible quarterbacks will follow. Then you will be--The Atlanta Falcons. A train wreck of a team where no one who has any talent wants to play (except back-up running backs gunning to prove themselves). You did not know Favre was going to be Favre until you gave him a chance. Please give Rodgers the same chance. Don't destroy his psyche by Week 4. If you do, then you get what you dish out. Trust me.

Good luck to you. Cut back on all the beer and brats. See a doctor. Stay healthy.

Signed,

Fox 4NX