There Will Be No Deal

Dippy the Pirate Bear and Phillip the Resistance Puppy have been respectively kidnapped and dog napped. Dippy was last seen somewhere in the Wyndham Virginia Beach hotel lobby cavorting with groupies and swingers. Phillip was captured moments later somewhere near Lynnhaven Mall trying to buy cigarettes.

All I got was the above note that appears to be some sort of ransom note. It implies, I am guessing, that I need to pick a sports city to formally align myself. Well, I have to say to everyone that I do not negotiate with kidnappers or dog nappers only other degenerate gamblers and on-line poker players...and maybe most attractive women. So there will be no deals. There will be no strange meetings on a bridge where I get killed by a sniper over dog biscuits. It won't happen.

I have been torn between two cities, neither of which are great in terms of sports, Washington, D.C. and Atlanta. I have given my reasons for choosing either city throughout the last several months. Many of you have commented about how to decide one's allegiance to a sports city and it's teams. Atlanta is where I was living when I started being interested in sports and Washington, DC is more like my current "home" city. Though some of you may have figured that I have flirted with Boston, but that probably has more to do with being a bandwagon jumper than anything else (though I live there for three years before moving to Atlanta). I used to live in Charlotte, Dallas, Jacksonville, western Pennsylvania amongst other places. My sports fan "mentor", Bill Simmons, does not have an answer for the dilemma of someone who has moved to various different places throughout their life (and believe me I have written to him several times since he seems to have these RULES for being a sports fan). However, most people have told me that there are no real rules for being a sports fan...that you like who you like. On the other hand, most have stated that you should have a favorite and that you should not root for two teams in the same division or conference. So who the hell knows.

All I know is that I am not making any deals with kidnappers or dog nappers around choosing a side. I consider Washington sports teams to be the "home" teams and I have had an unwritten rule that you should root for the home team in every professional sport that the particular city owns. If there is a sport that your city does not have then you can go "free agent" and pick another team somewhere else. So when I lived in Charlotte I pulled for that city's teams and the regional teams (such as the Hurricanes, for example). When I lived in Jacksonville there were no major sports teams (they had only the Suns which were and still are a Double A minor league baseball team) so I remained with the last city--Atlanta. After Jacksonville, I ended up in suburban Washington, DC and I secretly rooted for the Redskins, Bullets (now the Wizards), Capitals, Maryland, and the Baltimore Orioles (no baseball in DC in 1981 through 2004). I secretly rooted for the home teams because I feared that I would labeled as a "dork" by the neighborhood kids for pulling for the home team. The story goes on and on. For the exception of my self-imposed exile in Charlotte I have lived in Virginia for over half my life. So go figure.

Atlanta is like a first love. You never forget her/him regardless of how horrible, good, silly, insane, psychotic, or stupid the relationship was. It will still hold a special place. So, Atlanta has stuck with me. I have not been able to fully let go. Just like Iran and nukes or Lindsey Lohan and Xanax.

It is not like I hate the other teams from other cities that I have lived in. I still have a passing interest in Charlotte and Jacksonville and Boston etc. It is just that Atlanta is the first love that you never forget and always will have a special place and Washington is the "home" city. Go figure. Hence, the struggle to "decide" on a "favorite."

So this is my message to the dog nappers and kidnappers:

Do what you want. Feed them both ten day old tacos and stale grape juice. Give them electro shock to their "packages." Make them watch the new X-Files movie a hundred times. Don't allow Dippy near a razor. Don't let Phillip "resist." It will not matter. I will not make a deal. I will not bargain with their lives. I will decide when I choose to decide. I will not let you or anyone else dictate when I make up my mind. It will all happen on my terms. Not yours. No matter how many spiked jalapenos you send me.