A Letter To Bill

Dear Mr. Belichick,

Tomorrow your team, the "Evil Empire" New England Patriots, will be playing for a 16-0 season. This is a momentous occasion for everyone. I congratulate you and your team even though your quarterback is the NFL's version of Zoolander and has been using HGH since he was a five year old youngster living in the Bay Area. I have several pieces of advice for you this coming new year. First, you need a image make over. You are by far the worst dressed head coach in the history of the league. Not even close. Cut-off hoodies, pants that look like they were laundered two years ago, clothes that do not match, and head bands that would make Olivia Newton-John quiver all yell out "homeless person." This look is not working and has been getting worse since you started coaching. One gets the idea that you are slowly turning into Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver or you are on an escalating dose of Vicodin. Not sure which. My suggestion is to allow your wife (if you have one who will even talk to you) or call girl to dress you before games. That will improve your image quickly. Secondly, stop cheating. It is obvious that you are continuing to cheat in one way or another. If you are not videotaping other team's signals you are paying off referees. You are doing something sinister. Like taking coins out fountains, making deals with Satan, intercepting audio from opposing team's helmets, or defrauding the government by claiming that your in-game wardrobe is a "business expense."
Whatever you are doing, please stop. Third, control Zoolander. This year, Tom Brady managed to impregnate a hot actress and then dump her so badly that she would not even allow him near the hospital when the baby was born. Now he is trying to impregnate a hot underwear model. This world needs less Tom Brady's so he has to be stopped. Only you, Bill can stop him. Get him some condoms. Make sure he makes his child support payments. Encourage him to become a monk. He's out of control and needs to be stopped before we have a whole team of Tom Brady's out there who will go 65-0 in twenty or so years. Just like in the Terminator, the fate of humanity rests entirely on Tom Brady not impregnating anyone else. Fourth, if you go 19-0, please retire. For your own sake. If you go 19-0 then you would have achieved everything in coaching that one can do and much more. You don't need to do anymore. If you continue coaching beyond this year then all of the HGH, Vicodin, and Boston call girls will eventually catch up with you. I am afraid if that happens you will end up like Elvis keeled over on the toilet. Not pretty (especially if you are wearing your cut off hoodie at the time). I know that you believe that you do not need any advice. Just consider this an intervention or a warning or a prophecy. Just consider what I have advised before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Fox1073