The Football and Movie Gods Are After Me!!

With apologies to my hero, Bill Simmons, I will be providing a running diary of a hour of immersion in popular culture through the magic of digital cable television. WEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

9: 46 pm: I am watching the NFL Network and the Rams are at home against the Steelers. The new VP of Football Operations (Is that same type job as VP of the latrine?) for our favorite choke franchise, the Miami Dolphins, Bill Parcells is starring in an old presser being used by Miller Lite in one of the most clever commercial series in years. I am wondering if they be able to use new Parcells footage in new commercials.

9: 50 pm: Bad commercial for the Patriots and Giants game for next week. If my dream of an 0-16 season died last weekend then the other dream of 16-0 must also die. No better to kill the dream by watching the Giants who are led by a coach who looks like he is in alcoholic daze beat Coach Hoodie and the Hamster Wheel of Child Support Hero Tom Brady.

10:03 pm: The football gods must be pissed about me dissing both the Patriots and the Dolphins on the same blog again and zapped my computer for ten minutes. Maybe I should move on to another subject.

10:06 pm: I can't stop. I just can't. I want to be the first to say it. Tom Brady has been using HGH since his days at Michigan. There I said it. Forgive me.

10:07 pm: I randomly pick another channel and ended up on the E! Network where they are showing (no joke!!) "The View: The E! True Hollywood Story." The world will be ending soon and the only one left standing will be Barbara Walters. Forgive me.

10:11 pm: On CNN, Anderson Cooper is trying to sound studly when he reads the teaser for the story of the family found in California after being lost in the snow for three days. Anderson overacts so much he should be on "The Young and the Restless." It's like watching Tom Brady host a special on how to behave so badly that the mother of your child does not even want you within 500 miles of the hospital. Just too over the top.

10: 18 pm: Ended up on a bad Kevin Costner movie. Am I wrong in saying that he has only been in one good film during his entire career? Am I wrong? Isn't he the most over rated actor in history?

10:31 pm: The movie gods must be mad about me dissing Kevin Costner and zapped my computer again. I will leave well enough alone this time around. Best not to tempt fate three times or my computer will be zapped for good. Anyways, A&E has one of the best shows on TV with the First 48. Murder investigations from beginning to end with real cops, real bad guys, and real dead people. Not always a happy ending here which makes the show more appealing than "Cop Rock."

10:36 pm: Wow, a murder suspect named "Damien." How perfect.

10:37 pm: ESPN News is reporting that Willie Parker, running back for the Steelers, is out with a broken leg. That news is a grease fire for the Steelers hopes for being able to challenge the Colts and the Evil Empire led by Darth Hoodie for an AFC title. I know. My computer will get zapped again for that comment.

10:39 pm: Was everyone using HGH in Major League Baseball in the late 90's into the mid 00's? I know I was. I used HGH right before my last driver's education test. It did not help. This story is getting old and worse than the Black Sox scandal in the early 1900's.

10:44 pm: The Weather Channel is always interesting. It is currently 42 degrees and a wind of 11 miles per hour. They are talking about a lightning sensor alert system. Never thought one existed. Is there a Tom Brady is impregnating another underwear model alarm? I hope so.

10:46 pm: It's a few minutes before 11 pm. Do you know where your President is?

10:48 pm: The SciFi channel is showing a movie called "Showdown at Area 51." In one scene a bald headed guy is kicking the ass out of a cyborg alien hybrid who looks like Danny DeVito. OK, I made up the Danny DeVito part.

10:50 pm: The Comedy Channel is showing "Napoleon Dynamite." This movie is slowly becoming a classic. Is it my step-daughter's generation's version of "The Breakfast Club?" Probably not, but dangerously close. My favorite scene is when the kids are riding by on the bus and see the old farm dude shoot a cow in the head. Perfect. But I am disturbed. Uncle Rico is one of creepiest characters in recent memory. Serial killer written all over the place.

10:59 pm: The writer's strike has to end soon. I am tired of watching old reruns of "The Daily Show," which I don't watch anyways.

11:00 pm: Headline on local news story: Road Rage. A story of an individual who is trying to make a road into his own private drive way. Good ole Pulaski County!!! That's it I am done.