Random Thoughts

I am on-call this weekend and I am also living out of a suitcase as I am now separated from my wife. Something about getting fed up with simply marking time versus living led to this decision. One of my relationship rules is that you can not simply mark time in a relationship for too long. If you are not living and growing in a relationship then it dies. I just simply had to call the time of death.

I have many bullet points to talk about as I am on-call and could get called out at any point along the way.

** OJ is now going to prison for at least nine years. He told the judge in his sentencing hearing that he was stupid and that he did not know what he was doing was illegal. So holding people up in a hotel room with a gun and not allowing people to leave the room in order to steal "your stuff" back so that the "gold diggers" won't get their hands on it. That can't be illegal. No, not in Vegas. Everything is legal in Vegas. Especially with all those security cameras around trying to stop "stupid" stuff from happening. OJ really thought that he could do anything in Vegas and have it stay there. Of course, he felt the same way about L.A., too. OJ, you are not stupid, you are a thug. Enjoy the meat that will be provided by a disgruntled offensive lineman in the shower in segregation.

** The Lions are on their way to a dream season. I believe that if they dream hard enough. Love themselves hard enough. Try hard enough. Achieve their dreams hard enough. That they can pull off the dream season of 0-16. The schedule is in their favor. Tomorrow they play against the Vikings who need a win to stay in the division hunt. They next go to Indianapolis who also needs to win for play-off considerations. The Saints come to Detroit the weekend before Christmas in order for Brees to throw for 600 yards. The last game of the season is at Green Bay who hopefully will need a win in order to make the play-offs. I am worried about the last two games. If the Packers and Saints are out of contention then their only motivation to win is to not to lose to Detroit (which may not be enough). The sad thing is that Coach Marinelli is a pretty good guy and it might be even a good coach...somewhere else. However, Coach, I want you to not look at any game film. Run the ball 100 straight times into an eight man front. Use your quarterback in the defensive backfield. If you go into overtime and win the toss, please select defending. Do whatever it takes to lose. You will be proud of your accomplishment. This is the worst team in history and you are in charge. Go for it!!! Don't choke and win a game just to win one game. There's no glory in that. The glory is losing all of them. You will make history. That is what it is all about. That and the fact that Detroit is a wasteland.


** Some guy named Plaxico who is a wide receiver in the NFL who never practices (he is in the AI hall of fame) shoots himself accidentally in the leg in a nightclub last weekend. Let's take a look at the logic of all of this. You are in the NYC. It is 2:00 am. Nothing good happens when you are out at that hour. You are carrying way too much cash on you. In NYC at 2 am twenty dollars is carrying too much cash. You have a gun. You have a loaded gun. In your pants. Near your man package. Now, that is OJ stupid. It is so sad when a such a logical mind like Plaxico's goes to waste. He is lucky that he did not blow off his man package and for being so rational he should get whatever he deserves.

** Speaking of AI, he missed a practice!! Shocker!! Call the dogs. He has his own Hall of Fame for missing practices. He told his team, the Detroit Pistons, that he would never do it again. Right. I believe that as much as I believe that Tom Brady will stay down for the rest of the season.

** I am proud of you, Tom. You have heeded my warning and stayed down since Thanksgiving. I really want you to come out into the light. Get out of the S&M chamber that you are being held "captive" in and stand on the sidelines as Matt Cassell takes your Evil Empire team to the play-offs. I am afraid that this might really happen. Can't we have one play-off without the Evil Empire? Please? Just one play-off run is all I ask. My warning still stands for you, Tom. Just stay down. Don't go to any soup kitchens with any cameras around. Don't get in front of any cameras. If you don't heed this warning then I will come right after you. Do you have a fascination with using lunch meat and fruit in your S&M chamber? What about small animals like a hamster or a gerbil? Do you have Richard Gere's number on speed dial?

** Does anyone else think that Nick Saban is the anti-Christ? One hopes that Florida wins this afternoon in the SEC Championship Game against Saban's Alabama team and promptly throws the whole BCS into chaos again. Florida is this year's Georgia from last year. At least in this case, the best team right now (Florida) will get a chance to play in the conference title in order to prove that they belong in the top two in the country. Let us also hope that USC and Oklahoma somehow loses which will make things a little simpler.

** It is sad that the only time that the NHL gets any press what so ever is if someone brutally attacks another player on the ice or if someone goes rogue and puts their foot in their mouth. Sean Avery, whose reputation is the same as Rasheed Wallace and Britney Spears on a bad day, was suspended for six games for making comments about "his sloppy seconds." The NHL is a great sport. On TV, it basically sucks. However, it is a great sport with great athletes who do amazing things. There is, in hockey, like in most sports "a code" that players must follow. I am not sure what the "code" is in the NFL where players shoot themselves in the leg and run pot across state lines and horde large cache of arms and commit murder for hire and gamble excessively on cat shows etc. etc. However, in the NHL, you can't talk about things on camera that though they might be true (you are naive if you think otherwise), but should be kept in the locker room. That breaks the "code." The locker room is like Vegas or Lindsey Lohan. What happens there. Stays there. What goes into Vegas and Lohan stays in Vegas and Lohan. Period. So, Avery crossed the "code" and he was punished deservedly so. I just hope that hockey can reach a level that what we hear on the sports radio shows is the great sport on the ice as opposed to thug rogue elements.

Only Tom Brady

Only Tom Brady could lure me out of my hiatus. However, I sent a warning several months ago. I stated to Tom and the world that as long as he stayed down that I would not go after him this season. All Tom had to do was stay down. Stay out of the spotlight. Stay out of camera shot. Nurse your knees and have your supermodel girl-friend nurse everything else. Just stay away from the public eye. Let the Patriots be mad at you for using your family vet to operate on your knee. Let your girlfriend run out and get the wrong condoms. Have Caoch Hoodie hand over the reigns of the Evil Empire to another quarterback. Just don't come out into the light. Be a vampire like Bill from TrueBlood and stay out of the daylight.

So as I am sitting in Lexington, Virginia on Thanksgiving I pop open SportsCenter I see Tom wearing a stupid green hat feeding people at a shelter somewhere. He had his usual shit eating grin with reporters up in his grill asking him how his knee is or how his knees could take the pounding in the S&M chamber that his girl-friend makes him visit each day. His dominatrix girlfriend was also there just kicking herself for having to spend any time with anyone who might be a consumer of a Goodwill training center in Roxbury, MA. Since the media piranhas decided to descend on the happy couple serving pumpkin pie, Tom felt compelled to smile, giggle, dodge questions, and act like the NFL's version of Zoolander. Trust me it gave me the holiday spirit. I mean it was as touching as watching one of the movies on the Lifetime Movie Channel. You know about those movies. Made for $50,000 featuring a woman who has amnesia, a false identity, and a former lover that tried to run her over with a Jeep Cherokee who eventually goes insane and kills about ten people just like the BTK killer. So touching that I want to eat more turkey and five day old doughnuts.

So now, Tom, I am letting you know since you failed to completely meet your end of our deal by going out into the light (I don't care if it was charity work...you could have done it outside of the cameras and the public eye) when you should have stood down that the deal is off. I am going after you, the Evil Empire, and the Hoodie. It's over. You break a deal with me you break a deal with the devil. And the devil always gets pay back. Thank you for helping me to get out of my personal life for enough time to come right after you.

Thinking Of Tom...Not In A Gay Way, Though

So Tom Brady's injured knee is infected and that may compromise the repair surgery that was done to repair both of his ligaments. If it does not get better they will have to do the whole surgery over, which means that he could be out of action (football wise) for much longer than anticipated. The kicker to this is that he did not have surgery using the team doctor he instead went to a doctor that his family recommended. The only medical stuff I know about is from House, M.D. so I have no clue whether or not this was a botched surgery, but I have never heard of this happening to anyone else...uh...except for Peyton Manning and I don't know what his deal is except he was last seen holding back the San Diego Chicken in a TV commercial (as if anyone under 30 knows who the Chicken is). I almost feel sorry for Brady at this stage. He did not trust the team doctors because none of them have his best interest in mind (they all work with Darth Hoodie who would replace Tom's knee with a cyborg knee from Terminator) and you can't trust a surgeon that your family finds because they don't have a clue how to pick a surgeon....obviously. So Tom is screwed. Personally, if I needed a surgeon I would immediately go to the web-site that lists all of the doctors who have license violations for botched surgeries and then call them and ask where they sent their permanently injured patients to. More form Tom's knee at a later date.

Now That Brady Is Hurt, Who Do I Target Now?

Eight minutes into the season my favorite quarterback in the NFL, Tom Brady, went down with a left ACL tear that ended his season.  The jury is out whether or not it ends the Patriots season since they are the Evil Empire of the NFL and who knows what kind of unethical trick that they will  pull to remain in the thick of things.  The Colts, Chargers, Steelers, Jags, and maybe the Broncos now have reason to be hopeful.  Many people have stated that the Brady injury is bad for the league.  I totally disagree.  Now the season is more interesting and intriguing.  It is now no longer a given that the Patriots will win 12 to 15 games this year and being the number one seed in the AFC.  Some other team, maybe the Jets or the Bills, actually has a chance to win the division or at least be in the play-offs.  I am very interested in seeing how this all works itself out in the long run.

However, for me (and I am completely selfish), I am not as hopeful for the season as a wayward degenerate on-line sports gambler (I was 56% this weekend betting on everything from baseball to the CFL) blog writer.

I started this blog in December of last year.  Tom Brady was and is my favorite punching bag.  Not using protection, knocking up a pretty actress, dumping the pregnant actress, date another pretty underwear model all food for the machine that is this blog.  Now, he is gone.  For the season.  I was hoping to have the entire season to rain written haymakers at Brady.  I was planning to be openly critical of every single move he made on the field and even more so off the field.  I was ready.  Everyday I was ready to jab Brady with witty barbs about condoms, razors, gerbils, and edible underwear in bath houses in Boston.  I was really looking forward to it.  Now, it makes no sense.  He's not on the field.  He's hurt and gone for the season.  He is not on the front page as a target for my venom.  He will be irrelevant this season.  And that is the worst shot of all.  He will not be in the harshest public eye that he craves.  He will not be sought by reporters after every game which is what he needs as badly as he needs a cafe latte with skim goat milk from a Starbucks that he can walk to in a designer sweater made in a sweatshop in Thailand.  The whole point of writing disturbing blog posts about how Brady loves gerbils and garden hoses is predicated on the fact that he gets so much attention.  Now, he's out of the spotlight.  That hurts him the hardest and it hurts me because my target is gone.  I have to now find another target.  I always have to have a target.  In baseball it was Barry Zito and Andruw Jones for being horrible underachievers when you look at how much they are getting paid.  So who is going to be now?  Who can I target?   

It seems that Vince Young could be a nice target.  He wimped out of the first game of the year at home because he was being booed by the home fans for playing horribly that he did not want to enter the game at one point, faked an injury, and then went out and got hurt for real.  That makes for a great target...until the Titans called the police because he couldn't be found at home last night and they feared for his mental health.  When your employer calls the police because they are afraid that you are so emotionally fragile that you are teetering on the edge then your career with that employer is over.  Employers never want to deal with that mess no matter how concerned they seem.  Trust me.  It is for these reasons that make Young off limits for me.  I can't in good conscience go after him.

What about Brett Favre?  He is now a verb for unretiring within three months of retiring.  He plays for the Jets.  Problem is that he played pretty well in his first game and didn't cost them the game...however, it was the Jets.  Unless he completely falls apart there is no point in making him a blog target.  Unless he cheats on his wife with Sarah Palin.  

What about Ocho Cinco?  Too easy.  He is so ridiculous that even I can't top how ridiculous he is because he does it so well on his own.

What about the Raiders?   Too easy.  Al Davis is probably dead and they are propping him up to be seen like El Cid or the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie's.  That team is the biggest train wreck right now.  They played miserably last night as they were getting blown out by Denver.  Maybe they need to move again...to Las Vegas.

Tony Romo?  That might be the ticket.  He's handsome.  Dates an blond airhead.  Plays quarterback for the highest profile team in the league.  Wears his hats backwards trying to be a cool fourteen year kid. However, I can't think of what to blast him on.  Does anyone out there have any ideas?  The long and short of it is that I need a new NFL target to mercilessly blast every week.  Please send me your ideas.  I know that there has to be many to choose from out there, but I can't figure it out as I am in mourning that I can't rag on Brady for the rest of the season.  Help!!!

Tom Brady Isn't Me And Your Zito-Jones Update

It has been awhile since I posted an update on our favorite (or at least my favorite) overpaid baseball players. I have been flirting with another sports city and have been caught leaving their apartment late at night. Just like A-Rod!! It is true and not a rumor that I have been re-kindling an old old flame of sports cities: Boston. Yes, Boston. When I was three years old (I think) I moved to the Boston area and slowly became influenced by osmosis into the Boston sports melodrama of futility. This was 1974 when I moved there and then left somewhere in 1978 to Atlanta. I became familiar with the Celtics (in a major downturn in fortunes soon to be changed by Larry Bird and his mullet), the Bruins (everybody played street and ice hockey, including me, and dreamed of being Bobby Orr), the Red Sox (winner of the prize of pulling defeat out of victory over and over...just like Atlanta!!), and the Patriots (only slightly better than the Falcons of today). Except now, the owners of the Boston sports franchises actually are trying to win. The owners of the Atlanta sports teams have done their best to live in a world where it is OK to be no better than .500, run the team into the ground, fight amongst themselves in court, and treat fans like me for granted. The fact that I lived in Boston for a significant part of childhood, the fact that the owners care about winning, and the most recent success of the Boston sports teams have made this sports city the solid "10" in the bar full of "6's." I have to admit and I know that you all will call me a bandwagon jumper that I have pulled for the Boston teams all my life. In 1986, I owned a busted Red Sox cap trying to will the Red Sox to win Game 6 only to see what my sports life would turn into when Buckner lost a little rolling white ball in a field of green and brown. I was actually pulling for the Celtics during their run of titles in the early 80's. I loved the Boston Garden. I pulled for the Bruins during their bitter series against the Canadians every play-off year. I even (as tears roll down my face in shame) wanted the Patriots and (OMG) Tom Brady to win their first Super Bowl against the Rams. When the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 I could barely watch fearing that some sort of crazy event would occur that would cause them to lose yet again. When they finally won I was relieved. I have discovered that my disdain for Boston sports came out of a primitive defense mechanism that is used by grade school boys who will push girls they actually like into a mud puddle as a way to cope with the fact that they like the girl. For me, it was awe and envy. I hated Tom Brady because he wasn't me. I hated him because I was not him. I didn't have a hot model girlfriend who goes by one name to sleep with (I did back around let's say, 1991...and I have been chasing the hot young model ever since...see 1997, 1999, 2001, and 2007). Tom Brady is the coolest guy in the room. He is what everyone would want to be and 99.9999% of us will never ever get there. So no wonder there is a love-hate thing going. I have always disliked franchises that I had the most respect for (see the 49ers in the 80's and 90's). I still don't like Coach Hoodie. Why? Because he is a cheat and he has the personality of a snapping turtle. However, I have been lured by the distant past of my childhood where futility was woven into the fabric of both my personal and sporting life. At the time, I just didn't know it. By the way, the first baseball card I ever owned? Carl Yastrzemski.

Of course, if I even start actively pulling for any team in Boston they'll start losing...just like in Atlanta. Forgive me.

Now your stinking update:

ANDRUW JONES:

Andruw went on the DL for quite awhile due to a bum knee (and also a bum swing, but that was not mentioned in the official record). He came back over the weekend in San Francisco an went 1 for 10 with 1 RBI and 5 strike outs. Back to where he left off!!!

AVG.: .161 HR: 2 RBI: 8 OBP: .262 SLG: .259

How often is one's slugging percentage lower than their OBP?

BARRY ZITO (ZITI):

Barry has actually won two out of his last three games and his drive towards 30 losses seems to have lost steam. However, there is always 20 losses. His best game of the year was yesterday at home against the Dodgers (who are simply awful offensively). Nonetheless, he pitched seven strong innings giving up two earned runs and striking out 10. I watched parts of this game and I noticed for the first time that his mechanics and mental game were both sharper. He may turn this dumpster fire of a season around after all. I hope so because the ace of the Giants is a 24 year old kid who looks like he is 14, wears a wool hat in 90 degree weather, weighs about 174 pounds, and throws a 98 MPH fastball with a lot of movement.

W-L: 4-12 ERA: 5.73 SO: 60 WHIP: 1.78

THE EVIL EMPIRE HAS FALLEN!!!!!!!!!

THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!

The Giants have shocked the world by coming back against the Evil Empire and winning the Super Bowl!!!!
Zoolander couldn't get it done when dynasty called and stripped to her panties. Peyton's little brother now has a name. How would have believed that Eli would win the Super Bowl (and be the MVP) let alone throw the game winning touchdown pass with less than a minute left. The Giants had a plan. The plan was to hold on to the ball as long as possible. Score when they could. Hit Zoolander consistently and hard. Don't give them the big play down field. Play perfectly. The Giants did not play perfectly, but well enough. I have never seen a team so able to execute their game plan against the Evil Empire so effectively in the last seven years let alone in the Bowl. Yet, the Giants did it. They did it well enough to clinch their fourth straight upset in the playoffs and winning probably the best Super Bowl in history. This is why the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year. It was proven tonight. This is why they play the game. The team led by a coach that is lucky to still have his job after last season and the first two games of this season. The coach who looks like he has been on a bender for four years and now has alcohol related dementia is now holding the trophy that the Evil Empire believed that it was their destiny to hold. Coach Hoodie cemented himself in my mind and heart forever and forever as completely evil beyond the bar set by Satan by walking on to the field with one second left and walked into the tunnel with the rest of his drones before the game was officially over. The Patriots did not have enough people on defense initially to allow the Giants to run the kneel down. Pure classless. And people ask me why I hate the Patriots. The dream of the perfect season died tonight. I did not believe it would happen. I will admit that I did not believe that they could do it. I predicted a blow-out of Redskins-Broncos 56-10 proportions. I don't care. I am excited. Even giddy (which for me is incredible) that the dream is dead. The Dolphins can have their champagne and Mercury can do some more blow off a South Beach hooker's ass. I wish I was there just see it all. Though I imagine that an ambulance would need to be called to get the defibrillator out to revive half the team. Either way. Big party in New York and Miami. Chaos and doom in Boston. The world at least for one night is in order.

I Was About To Order A Cease Fire, But!!!!

I do not know what I will be writing about after tomorrow night. In more than twenty four hours the pro football season will be over and a new champion will be crowned. All season we have watched the schizotypal personality (or lack there of) of Coach Darth Hoodie. I have ranted endlessly taking shot after shot at Tom "Zoolander" Brady. We have witnessed the Patriots blow out teams on fast tracks throughout the fall and find ways to win games they should lose in the winter. We have endured the Evil Empire spying on their opponents and getting caught doing it. The only negative word we heard from and about Randy Moss was right before the conference championship game and it was a non-story in the end. The Patriots set record after record for offensive explosiveness. We have watched them accumulate a perfect record and a chance at history. We have never seen anything like it in NFL history. In the salary cap age, we have a team that has made all the right moves at all the right times in regards to who to sign, who to pay, who to let go, and who to play. We have seen a coach that everyone on the team appears to believe in no matter how insane he looks. He has made all the right moves and I do not believe that he has cheated every single game. Regardless of advantages the Patriots may have had they still have had to execute the plays on the field. They have gotten lucky on calls (even though I still think the refs were paid off by the Empire in Baltimore). It has been astonishing to watch. I do not think we will see anything like it again in any of our lifetimes. Let me be clear that I have disliked the Patriots since they won their first Super Bowl against the Rams. I have ranted on Tom Brady ever since he became a male model. This vinegar is not new. People have accused me of being jealous of Zoolander and the Empire and their success. No one can argue that four Bowl appearances in this decade makes the Patriots a modern day dynasty. My teams during the decade have fallen completely apart. The Falcons are now the worst NFL franchise. The Raiders are run by a man who has been literally dead for the last ten years. The 49ers spent themselves into oblivion like the Russians in the arms race during the Cold War. The situations with these teams leave very little room for hope that they can be turned around in the near future. As a fan of Atlanta city sports franchises I see things going down hill and years and years of futility ahead to go with the years of futility and heartbreak since 1995 (the Braves lone World Series in Atlanta). The Hawks are young and hopeless. The Thrashers are young and hopeless. The Braves are getting younger and more hopeless. So I do have reason to be bitter. However, this bitterness is based not on the futility of my teams. It is based on the futility of all the other teams to stop the Patriots and their drive towards dynasty status and possibly in 24 hours immortality. A teacher told me that you can not be angry at something that you do not care about. That is true in my anger towards the Patriots. They have rolled along giving their middle finger to the rest of sports and now they have done the close to impossible. I respect them, but that does not mean I have to like the Empire and not want them to fall. They could make history tomorrow and there is a part of me that actually was willing to call a truce with the Patriots for the sake of history. I was ready to write a post declaring a cease fire and supporting the Patriots going 19-0. I was really ready to do it. Then one thing happened: Bootgate.

Earlier during the paparazzi stage of the hype towards Sunday's crowning of the Evil Empire as immortal gods, we saw Tom Brady in a removable boot walking around New York City to his underwear modeling eating disordered girlfriend's apartment on TMZ. Then we saw more video with no boot. Then reports stating that Zoolander was hobbling, then reports of him walking with no issues. The Evil Empire acted exactly like their Cold War Reagan namesake, the Soviet Union, and provided us with propaganda and cloak and dagger antics in response to Tom's ankle, his being away from practices, and shaving. Then I remembered that the Patriots have listed Brady as questionable for the entire season. If Brady was "questionable" with injuries then Brittany is actually the better parent rather than K-Fed. This is what I expect from Coach Darth Hoodie who has done nothing but gives lies, half-lies, mini-lies, big lies, and white lies the entire season when questioned about anything. It is a closed fiefdom like North Korea, Cuba, China, and Russia. And that is what I can't deal with. With Bootgate I was reminded that the Patriots and their entire organization is ironically--Un-American. That is why I have to pull for their opponents because they must fall just like the Iron Curtain nearly twenty years ago.

My picks:
Patriots (-12) over Giants
The Patriots will be on a similar track as they were in the early fall and under the same weather conditions. One has to remember that all throughout the first part of the season when the Patriots were playing in good passing weather on fast turf they killed everybody by throwing the ball all over the field and they took no mercy on anyone. Now, they are playing after an extra week to prepare on a fast track and in ideal weather conditions. The Patriots also want to prove that their game at the end of the regular season was a fluke by destroying the Giants in front of the world. The Giants defensive line will not be able to pressure Zoolander consistently enough to throw him off his game. The Giants offense will likely be able to move the ball on the Patriots but will not consistently score enough touchdowns to keep pace. The game starts around 6:30 p.m. Eastern time and it will be over by around 8:00.
Over (57 points)
The Patriots on a fast track will score at least 38 points on the Giants secondary. They will throw the ball all over the field to all of it's weapons. The Giants might be able to shut down Moss, but they will not be able to shut down everyone else for the entire game. Too many weapons. The Giants have enough weapons to keep it interesting for the first hour and will get some cheap points after the game is well decided. I expect they will score at least twenty points.
Fox4NX Under (-130/85 blood pressure)
There will be no drama as the game comes down to the wire. It will be boring for the last two hours after Tom Petty loses a hip on stage at the halftime show. Not enough to get too excited about. Besides, I am on a ton of medication and pee every two hours. Not enough to beat the blood pressure spread.

A Letter To Peyton's Little Brother

Dear Eli,

I wanted to write you to just to give you a little pick-me-up. You may need it as you prepare to battle the Evil Empire next Sunday. I am happy that you were not photographed around New York City with and with out a removable cast entering and exiting a model's apartment. Though I have to say that your squeeze is pretty hot as well. Is she still your squeeze after you made her watch the game last weekend at Green Bay outside in -3 degree weather because you feared the "Tony Romo-Jessica Simpson jinx." If I were her I would have dumped you the moment the game started. Then sued you for sexual harassment or something. Don't you understand that you can not leave your significant other in cold like that in enemy territory? Ever. What else do you make her do? Drink battery acid? Watch your father's old game films? Make her watch outtakes from your brother's commercials in a continuous loop until she vomits? Sorry, this was supposed to be a motivational letter. I'll get back on track even though it is hard for me to do after taking two or three extra doses of Ritalin (with Coors Light chaser).
Even though you look like you are about ten years old and should be the manager for a junior high football team you have made a remarkable turn around in the last month. I have never seen such an incredible and improbable turn around in fortunes in such a short period of time. It's like a reverse Mike Tyson after he got knocked out by Buster Douglas. You went from an inconsistent quarterback who was being questioned about everything from your leadership skills to your hair cut to a consistent heady sophisticated quarterback that led his team to three straight road victories in the playoffs (and at least a touchdown underdog in the last two games). You have thrown no interceptions in the play-offs. You have thrown four touchdown passes and your passer rating is over 100 in the playoffs. Your opponent next week is the NFL's version of Zoolander in Tom Brady. Right now he is busy impregnating half of Kansas and perfecting his smile. His coach is drinking Thorazine and coming up with a game plan to completely kill you and your team so thoroughly that you will not exist anymore. He is planning to erase you from all of history. Your parents will not remember you and your brother will not have an Oreo licking opponent anymore if Coach Hoodie has his way. I am pleading with you to not let that happen. I do not care what you and your team do in the face of such sure force and power. You can cheat if you want. I'll give you a pass. Steal their signals. Have someone club Tom Brady's throwing arm with a baseball bat. Kidnap his girl-friend and tape her in bed with Junior Seau. I know that your coach almost died last weekend from frostbite. His head almost exploded or cracked open. He looked like a drunk on a four week bender. By the way, didn't Jimmy Johnson on Sunday look like William Shatner as the night wore on? Pretty soon I was expecting that he would start doing a priceline.com commercial or asked to be beamed up. Again, your coach looks like Uncle Pete after seven margaritas. Don't let that deter you. The goal is to beat the Patriots. The goal is to destroy the dream of the perfect season. The goal is to allow the '72 Dolphins to really enjoy their champagne. It's the goal to make Mercury Morris happy even though I am not sure anything else can make him happier as it seems he still does a lot of cocaine. The goal is to make history. Two brothers winning successive Super Bowls? A major upset? That is the goal. I know that you can do it. I know that you have the ability. I know you have the pedigree. Now, it takes a perfect game from you and your teammates. Your team is ten times better now on the field with you as their leader. Tiki is gone and Shockey is learning to braid his hair. So it is you now. You obviously lead in a quiet manner through example. OK, its time to put it all together one last time. It's you versus Zoolander. It's Uncle Pete against the Darth Hoodie. You don't want to be forgotten. Do you? Who were the losers in the last four Super Bowls. I don't remember who lost those games mainly because of all the margaritas I had last night, but that's beside the point. Just remember: you can win. You can make history. You can be immortal. Take it...or you'll be back home watching the Teletubbies.

Signed,
Fox4NX

Running Diary: Saturday Night Football

Again, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and with my apologies to Bill Simmons I will write my running diary of a segment of TV viewing:

10:12 pm: The Patriots are winning 21-17 over Jacksonville late in the 3rd. It has been a watchable game so far. Each team has answered each other's scores. I picked Jacksonville based on the spread so this is going well so far too. Because of serious headaches (I think that I have a tumor caused by Tom Brady's stubble) I am not hitting the Irish Stout as I had planned.

10:15 pm: As much as I rag on Brady, but one has to be impressed that he is currently 22 of 23...make it 23 of 24 as they just scored another TD. Pats now up by 11. The line was 13. OK. I am safe as long as they don't score again. Maybe I should take some more Advil.

10:19 pm: It is gut check time for the Jags. Down by 11 late in the 3rd. They need to answer or it will be over before 10:30.

10:20 pm: Ad came on for David Letterman. Katie Holmes is a featured guest next week. So Tom lets her out of the house? You mean he lets her out of the alien pod she has to sleep in waiting for the next comet to roll by? Where is the baby? Oh I forgot, the baby is already on the spaceship to Venus.

10:23 pm: Huge jump and grab by the Jags Wilford. Huge first down for them. They also get the call for spearing late. Is it me or is the Foxborough crowd nervous? I know my cat is nervous. He's eating plastic wrappers from my wife's cigarette packages. I have to stop the cat now unless I want to go to the kitty emergency room again.

10:27 pm: Another huge first down by the Jags in the red zone. This time Jones-Drew catches a screen and bowls over a defensive back for the first down. I have to admire the fact that the Jags are refusing to give up in the face of Darth Hoodie. I wonder what his presser will be like after the game. Wait a minute!! He does not have any personality. I already know what it will be like. It will be like watching my six hour home movie of my trip to the Deep South I made in 1991. After five minutes you have a blinding headache watching it and you are praying that the giant gerbil comes out of the woods and eats the camera person. Did I only take Advil earlier?

10:33 pm: Jags now are down by 8 with about 9 1/2 minutes left in the game. They made the right decision by taking the points in the red zone instead of giving the game away by going for it on 4th down. The Advil has not kicked in yet as I still feel like a sledgehammer is hitting my head. I need a comet to take me away.
The cat did not finish all the plastic. You never ever want to go to any emergency room at this hour. Not a people ER or a pet ER. I went to a pet ER in North Carolina with my cat who fell down and would not get up. It wasn't pretty.

10:39 pm: Patriots go down the field and get a field goal and the lead is 11. It would have been 15 if it wasn't for a shoe string tackle several minutes earlier. The Jags are still alive in this game with under 7 minutes to go.

10:42 pm: Now is not the time for a trick play on a kickoff. Coach Del Rio needs to be fired and go invent some salsa or a sharper ax for the locker room. He needs the comet ride to stop here before taking the TomKat baby to Venus. This is the moron who had a tree in the locker room and ax to chop it with. Then the punter chopped half his leg off with the ax. Maybe I am exaggerating a little here. He did not chop half his leg off only a piece of his leg off. This reminds me of that story where the punter at a small Colorado college shanked the other punter he was competing with for a starting job. How many Coors were consumed before he came up with that plan? How many tapes of Nancy Kerrigan did he view prior to the act?

10:49 pm: Another cat in the house puked up her dinner, of course, on the carpet. Yaaaay Me!!! I am the only person still awake to clean it up.

10:52 pm: The Patriots Harrison picks off a pass on 4th and 6 with about 4 minutes left. I am now going to puke up my dinner.

10:56 pm: Stallworth for the Patriots just converted a third and long by diving for the first down. This pretty much puts a fork in the Jaguars. I wonder what jaguar tastes like? Chicken? Snake? Gator? Can you put hot sauce on it? Fried gator is pretty good actually. I had it in a restaurant just outside of Gainesville, Florida. Ironic isn't it?

10:59 pm: Ad for the next Rambo movie. Absolutely perfect. That guy must have had a combination of botox, HGH, steel rods, and crazy glue to look like a complete space alien. He must be on his way on another comet to Saturn. Someone should really get Sly to stop. He's going to end up like Lyle Alzado.

11:05 pm: The game is now over. I am going to have a heart attack to go with my tumor. I just saw two things I would never see in the same generation. I saw Coach Hoodie smile and actually hug his children and then I noticed that the Pats only won by 11 and I am right on another pick. I am going to have to give myself a triple bypass right now. I am doing it with only Advil as an anesthetic. I feel like I will be OK though since I have taken about 100 in the last two days. (I'm kidding just a little. No need to call the rescue squad yet. Wait till I start the surgery)

11:10 pm: Should I go find Coach Hoodie's presser? Any thoughts on this? I am really debating this in my head. On another note as I quickly roll to ESPNews, which college basketball team currently has a better record? Virginia Military Institute or Michigan? If you answered Michigan you would be wrong. VMI is 9-6 and Michigan is 5-8. Where is the Fav Five when you need them? I was clicking around earlier today and saw at the beginning of the 2nd half of the UNC-NC State that UNC was up 46-15. Just stupid.

11:18 pm: COACH HOODIE PRESSER!!!!!! HOW EXCITING!!! GET THE POPCORN KIDS!!! GET THE BATTERY CABLES OUT!!! ATTACH THEM TO MY __________!!!!!! GET THE PADDLES OUT!!!! I NEED CPR!!!!

11:21 pm: Next up: Zoolander Presser. Can't wait. His smile will be blinding. I need my shades. I need more Advil.

11:22 pm: Hoodie presser is now over. Anyone notice that no one asked him any real questions? What are they afraid of? Do they think if they ask the wrong question they'll get whacked by Darth Hoodie's minions? Wait. I already know the answer to this question. Never mind. Questions I would ask Coach Hoodie:
1. Did you make sure Tom got his child support payment in on time?
2. Did you take Nyquil before or after the game?
3. Who dressed you today?
4. Where is the body buried?
5. Is it true that you had a hit on Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo?
6. Who ordered the "Code Red"?

11:26 pm: ZOOLANDER PRESSER!!!! WAKE THE KIDS!!! GET MY SUNGLASSES OUT!!! HIDE THE WOMEN!!! HIDE THE SHEEP!!

11:28 pm: Doesn't anyone else notice that Tom tries to smile after every word he utters? What's with this? Nobody asks him any real questions either. Some questions I would ask are as follows:
1. Didn't your pre-school bust you for using performance enhancing drugs to learn your colors faster than everyone else?
2. Have you got your visitation set yet?
3. How much is your child support payment? $200,000 a week? $400,000?
4. If Gisele gets pregnant, will you dump her too?
5. Do you know how to put on a condom?
6. Isn't Randy Moss your "special wide receiver"?

A Letter To Bill

Dear Mr. Belichick,

Tomorrow your team, the "Evil Empire" New England Patriots, will be playing for a 16-0 season. This is a momentous occasion for everyone. I congratulate you and your team even though your quarterback is the NFL's version of Zoolander and has been using HGH since he was a five year old youngster living in the Bay Area. I have several pieces of advice for you this coming new year. First, you need a image make over. You are by far the worst dressed head coach in the history of the league. Not even close. Cut-off hoodies, pants that look like they were laundered two years ago, clothes that do not match, and head bands that would make Olivia Newton-John quiver all yell out "homeless person." This look is not working and has been getting worse since you started coaching. One gets the idea that you are slowly turning into Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver or you are on an escalating dose of Vicodin. Not sure which. My suggestion is to allow your wife (if you have one who will even talk to you) or call girl to dress you before games. That will improve your image quickly. Secondly, stop cheating. It is obvious that you are continuing to cheat in one way or another. If you are not videotaping other team's signals you are paying off referees. You are doing something sinister. Like taking coins out fountains, making deals with Satan, intercepting audio from opposing team's helmets, or defrauding the government by claiming that your in-game wardrobe is a "business expense."
Whatever you are doing, please stop. Third, control Zoolander. This year, Tom Brady managed to impregnate a hot actress and then dump her so badly that she would not even allow him near the hospital when the baby was born. Now he is trying to impregnate a hot underwear model. This world needs less Tom Brady's so he has to be stopped. Only you, Bill can stop him. Get him some condoms. Make sure he makes his child support payments. Encourage him to become a monk. He's out of control and needs to be stopped before we have a whole team of Tom Brady's out there who will go 65-0 in twenty or so years. Just like in the Terminator, the fate of humanity rests entirely on Tom Brady not impregnating anyone else. Fourth, if you go 19-0, please retire. For your own sake. If you go 19-0 then you would have achieved everything in coaching that one can do and much more. You don't need to do anymore. If you continue coaching beyond this year then all of the HGH, Vicodin, and Boston call girls will eventually catch up with you. I am afraid if that happens you will end up like Elvis keeled over on the toilet. Not pretty (especially if you are wearing your cut off hoodie at the time). I know that you believe that you do not need any advice. Just consider this an intervention or a warning or a prophecy. Just consider what I have advised before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Fox1073