THE EVIL EMPIRE HAS FALLEN!!!!!!!!!

THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!
THE GIANTS WIN THE BOWL!!!

The Giants have shocked the world by coming back against the Evil Empire and winning the Super Bowl!!!!
Zoolander couldn't get it done when dynasty called and stripped to her panties. Peyton's little brother now has a name. How would have believed that Eli would win the Super Bowl (and be the MVP) let alone throw the game winning touchdown pass with less than a minute left. The Giants had a plan. The plan was to hold on to the ball as long as possible. Score when they could. Hit Zoolander consistently and hard. Don't give them the big play down field. Play perfectly. The Giants did not play perfectly, but well enough. I have never seen a team so able to execute their game plan against the Evil Empire so effectively in the last seven years let alone in the Bowl. Yet, the Giants did it. They did it well enough to clinch their fourth straight upset in the playoffs and winning probably the best Super Bowl in history. This is why the Super Bowl is the biggest game of the year. It was proven tonight. This is why they play the game. The team led by a coach that is lucky to still have his job after last season and the first two games of this season. The coach who looks like he has been on a bender for four years and now has alcohol related dementia is now holding the trophy that the Evil Empire believed that it was their destiny to hold. Coach Hoodie cemented himself in my mind and heart forever and forever as completely evil beyond the bar set by Satan by walking on to the field with one second left and walked into the tunnel with the rest of his drones before the game was officially over. The Patriots did not have enough people on defense initially to allow the Giants to run the kneel down. Pure classless. And people ask me why I hate the Patriots. The dream of the perfect season died tonight. I did not believe it would happen. I will admit that I did not believe that they could do it. I predicted a blow-out of Redskins-Broncos 56-10 proportions. I don't care. I am excited. Even giddy (which for me is incredible) that the dream is dead. The Dolphins can have their champagne and Mercury can do some more blow off a South Beach hooker's ass. I wish I was there just see it all. Though I imagine that an ambulance would need to be called to get the defibrillator out to revive half the team. Either way. Big party in New York and Miami. Chaos and doom in Boston. The world at least for one night is in order.

I Was About To Order A Cease Fire, But!!!!

I do not know what I will be writing about after tomorrow night. In more than twenty four hours the pro football season will be over and a new champion will be crowned. All season we have watched the schizotypal personality (or lack there of) of Coach Darth Hoodie. I have ranted endlessly taking shot after shot at Tom "Zoolander" Brady. We have witnessed the Patriots blow out teams on fast tracks throughout the fall and find ways to win games they should lose in the winter. We have endured the Evil Empire spying on their opponents and getting caught doing it. The only negative word we heard from and about Randy Moss was right before the conference championship game and it was a non-story in the end. The Patriots set record after record for offensive explosiveness. We have watched them accumulate a perfect record and a chance at history. We have never seen anything like it in NFL history. In the salary cap age, we have a team that has made all the right moves at all the right times in regards to who to sign, who to pay, who to let go, and who to play. We have seen a coach that everyone on the team appears to believe in no matter how insane he looks. He has made all the right moves and I do not believe that he has cheated every single game. Regardless of advantages the Patriots may have had they still have had to execute the plays on the field. They have gotten lucky on calls (even though I still think the refs were paid off by the Empire in Baltimore). It has been astonishing to watch. I do not think we will see anything like it again in any of our lifetimes. Let me be clear that I have disliked the Patriots since they won their first Super Bowl against the Rams. I have ranted on Tom Brady ever since he became a male model. This vinegar is not new. People have accused me of being jealous of Zoolander and the Empire and their success. No one can argue that four Bowl appearances in this decade makes the Patriots a modern day dynasty. My teams during the decade have fallen completely apart. The Falcons are now the worst NFL franchise. The Raiders are run by a man who has been literally dead for the last ten years. The 49ers spent themselves into oblivion like the Russians in the arms race during the Cold War. The situations with these teams leave very little room for hope that they can be turned around in the near future. As a fan of Atlanta city sports franchises I see things going down hill and years and years of futility ahead to go with the years of futility and heartbreak since 1995 (the Braves lone World Series in Atlanta). The Hawks are young and hopeless. The Thrashers are young and hopeless. The Braves are getting younger and more hopeless. So I do have reason to be bitter. However, this bitterness is based not on the futility of my teams. It is based on the futility of all the other teams to stop the Patriots and their drive towards dynasty status and possibly in 24 hours immortality. A teacher told me that you can not be angry at something that you do not care about. That is true in my anger towards the Patriots. They have rolled along giving their middle finger to the rest of sports and now they have done the close to impossible. I respect them, but that does not mean I have to like the Empire and not want them to fall. They could make history tomorrow and there is a part of me that actually was willing to call a truce with the Patriots for the sake of history. I was ready to write a post declaring a cease fire and supporting the Patriots going 19-0. I was really ready to do it. Then one thing happened: Bootgate.

Earlier during the paparazzi stage of the hype towards Sunday's crowning of the Evil Empire as immortal gods, we saw Tom Brady in a removable boot walking around New York City to his underwear modeling eating disordered girlfriend's apartment on TMZ. Then we saw more video with no boot. Then reports stating that Zoolander was hobbling, then reports of him walking with no issues. The Evil Empire acted exactly like their Cold War Reagan namesake, the Soviet Union, and provided us with propaganda and cloak and dagger antics in response to Tom's ankle, his being away from practices, and shaving. Then I remembered that the Patriots have listed Brady as questionable for the entire season. If Brady was "questionable" with injuries then Brittany is actually the better parent rather than K-Fed. This is what I expect from Coach Darth Hoodie who has done nothing but gives lies, half-lies, mini-lies, big lies, and white lies the entire season when questioned about anything. It is a closed fiefdom like North Korea, Cuba, China, and Russia. And that is what I can't deal with. With Bootgate I was reminded that the Patriots and their entire organization is ironically--Un-American. That is why I have to pull for their opponents because they must fall just like the Iron Curtain nearly twenty years ago.

My picks:
Patriots (-12) over Giants
The Patriots will be on a similar track as they were in the early fall and under the same weather conditions. One has to remember that all throughout the first part of the season when the Patriots were playing in good passing weather on fast turf they killed everybody by throwing the ball all over the field and they took no mercy on anyone. Now, they are playing after an extra week to prepare on a fast track and in ideal weather conditions. The Patriots also want to prove that their game at the end of the regular season was a fluke by destroying the Giants in front of the world. The Giants defensive line will not be able to pressure Zoolander consistently enough to throw him off his game. The Giants offense will likely be able to move the ball on the Patriots but will not consistently score enough touchdowns to keep pace. The game starts around 6:30 p.m. Eastern time and it will be over by around 8:00.
Over (57 points)
The Patriots on a fast track will score at least 38 points on the Giants secondary. They will throw the ball all over the field to all of it's weapons. The Giants might be able to shut down Moss, but they will not be able to shut down everyone else for the entire game. Too many weapons. The Giants have enough weapons to keep it interesting for the first hour and will get some cheap points after the game is well decided. I expect they will score at least twenty points.
Fox4NX Under (-130/85 blood pressure)
There will be no drama as the game comes down to the wire. It will be boring for the last two hours after Tom Petty loses a hip on stage at the halftime show. Not enough to get too excited about. Besides, I am on a ton of medication and pee every two hours. Not enough to beat the blood pressure spread.

Relationship Rule #5: Watch What You Don't Say

Communication is seen as an essential piece in the cog of a functional relationship. However, it goes deeper than that. We all communicate with our partners and significant others. We do it all the time every day and every moment that we are with our loved one (or mistress or dominatrix, well, maybe not your dominatrix who won't let you look at her anyways). There are two main forms of communication. There is verbal communication which is what we say (or don't say). Then there is non-verbal communication. Non-verbal communication is our body language, eye contact, and facial expressions that tell the other person the messages that we may be unable or unwilling to say with our true voice. Most will say that our non-verbal communication is really our true voice (just ask our buddy Bill Belichick) because a lot of our non-verbal communication is sub-conscious (or slightly below our awareness in the moment). It is also very powerful in how it effects those around us. A defensive posture (arms crossed showing we are closed to the other person) suggests being stand offish and not open to listening. You don't want to do this when your partner is talking about renewing your vows, offering sex, or telling you that your son ran off with a weather cult as it will likely put (and piss) them off even if it is not your intent. If you choose (or not choose) to not make eye contact with your partner he/she may feel that you are either not listening or not telling the truth. If you maintain eye contact then it communicates that are you listening, paying attention, and more likely to tell the truth. One bit of an aside here, just because someone makes eye contact with you does not always mean they are telling the truth. This has more to do with where and how they are using their eyes. If your hands are on your lap and you leaning slightly forward towards your partner then that suggests openness and welcoming communication with the other person. Your facial expressions are quite telling as well. Grimacing or having a scowl on your face when your partner is trying to talk to you is a recipe for having an open invite to sleep in the garage. You can make a scowl or grimace only if your partner says something that suggests that is the appropriate response. An example is if your partner tells you that they wrapped your Ferrari around a power transformer. This should cause a grimace or other angry look on your face. A facial expression that is appropriate smiling and warm will communicate that you are open to listening and sharing information. Studies involving parents and their newborn babies illustrate the power of non-verbal communication. When the mothers or fathers would make eye contact, smile, and have open body posture with their baby then the baby would smile, giggle, and make eye contact. When the parents showed no eye contact, had no expression or a scowl on their face, and closed body postures then the baby would cry incessantly. The researchers offered that 94% of the impact positively or negatively in communication was the non-verbal communication. Thus, proving a point that how you say something is more important then what you said. The best person to help you become more aware of your non-verbal communication is your partner. Ask your significant other how they perceive and feel about your non-verbal communication. Try to be open to the answer as it may be a surprise to you, but it will also be helpful in improving your relationship. Awareness of something is always the first step to change.

Other random rants:

The writers strike needs to end soon. I don't know a lot of the details and who is mad at who and who won't sit with who in the cafeteria, but to me it does not matter. What matters is that TV viewers of our favorite shows are now being held hostage by a guy who drinks 29 shots of vodka in one sitting and has not slept since 1987. These are our TV writers who are holding us hostage as our favorite shows are now in re-run status out of production. We are now getting game show and reality TV overload which will eventually do more damage to the TV industry than the 1994 baseball strike did to baseball. I turned on network TV tonight and found two game shows and American Idol. I realize that these types of shows are quite popular. However, one of my philosophical points is that too much of anything is always bad. We will reach that point very soon. If we reach that point then I am pulling an Elvis and shooting my TV for good and then I will be drinking 29 shots of vodka and not sleeping, which is pretty much what I am doing now anyways.

Read the news today and found out that the coroner report on Ike Turner came out. Cause of death: Cocaine overdose. Now remember that Ike was 76 when he died. Of course, the fact that Ike died of a cocaine overdose is no surprise. If it was a surprise to you then you really should only be allowed to watch VH1.

Speaking of VH1, I was at a friend's house last night and saw parts of Celebrity Rehab. No, I am not kidding. No, I am not talking about Celebrity Fit Club. No we're talking about rehab. Drug and alcohol rehab. Now mostly everybody there was virtually unrecognizable from when they were really famous. The folks there also have mostly (with maybe one exception) been relegated to D-List status. Of course, one of the reasons they may have hit D-list status is because of the drugs and booze. However, watching one of the untalented Baldwin brothers (they all probably need some sort of help) discussing the possibility that he could have cocaine in his fat cells left me wondering: why am I watching this? This is like watching a twenty-five car pile-up over and over. Or watching re-runs of Ellen or watching midget porn. Disturbing, but riveting at the same time. Let me know when Gary Coleman or one of the members of the band Poison show up.

I want to thank everyone for contributing to my Presidential campaign for 2012. We are off to a great start and only $50,000,000 behind Hilary. We are well on our way. I guess I need a platform or something to run on. I'll go with the Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite plan: "A vote for me and all your wishes will come true" or something like that.

Running Diary: Saturday Night Football

Again, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and with my apologies to Bill Simmons I will write my running diary of a segment of TV viewing:

10:12 pm: The Patriots are winning 21-17 over Jacksonville late in the 3rd. It has been a watchable game so far. Each team has answered each other's scores. I picked Jacksonville based on the spread so this is going well so far too. Because of serious headaches (I think that I have a tumor caused by Tom Brady's stubble) I am not hitting the Irish Stout as I had planned.

10:15 pm: As much as I rag on Brady, but one has to be impressed that he is currently 22 of 23...make it 23 of 24 as they just scored another TD. Pats now up by 11. The line was 13. OK. I am safe as long as they don't score again. Maybe I should take some more Advil.

10:19 pm: It is gut check time for the Jags. Down by 11 late in the 3rd. They need to answer or it will be over before 10:30.

10:20 pm: Ad came on for David Letterman. Katie Holmes is a featured guest next week. So Tom lets her out of the house? You mean he lets her out of the alien pod she has to sleep in waiting for the next comet to roll by? Where is the baby? Oh I forgot, the baby is already on the spaceship to Venus.

10:23 pm: Huge jump and grab by the Jags Wilford. Huge first down for them. They also get the call for spearing late. Is it me or is the Foxborough crowd nervous? I know my cat is nervous. He's eating plastic wrappers from my wife's cigarette packages. I have to stop the cat now unless I want to go to the kitty emergency room again.

10:27 pm: Another huge first down by the Jags in the red zone. This time Jones-Drew catches a screen and bowls over a defensive back for the first down. I have to admire the fact that the Jags are refusing to give up in the face of Darth Hoodie. I wonder what his presser will be like after the game. Wait a minute!! He does not have any personality. I already know what it will be like. It will be like watching my six hour home movie of my trip to the Deep South I made in 1991. After five minutes you have a blinding headache watching it and you are praying that the giant gerbil comes out of the woods and eats the camera person. Did I only take Advil earlier?

10:33 pm: Jags now are down by 8 with about 9 1/2 minutes left in the game. They made the right decision by taking the points in the red zone instead of giving the game away by going for it on 4th down. The Advil has not kicked in yet as I still feel like a sledgehammer is hitting my head. I need a comet to take me away.
The cat did not finish all the plastic. You never ever want to go to any emergency room at this hour. Not a people ER or a pet ER. I went to a pet ER in North Carolina with my cat who fell down and would not get up. It wasn't pretty.

10:39 pm: Patriots go down the field and get a field goal and the lead is 11. It would have been 15 if it wasn't for a shoe string tackle several minutes earlier. The Jags are still alive in this game with under 7 minutes to go.

10:42 pm: Now is not the time for a trick play on a kickoff. Coach Del Rio needs to be fired and go invent some salsa or a sharper ax for the locker room. He needs the comet ride to stop here before taking the TomKat baby to Venus. This is the moron who had a tree in the locker room and ax to chop it with. Then the punter chopped half his leg off with the ax. Maybe I am exaggerating a little here. He did not chop half his leg off only a piece of his leg off. This reminds me of that story where the punter at a small Colorado college shanked the other punter he was competing with for a starting job. How many Coors were consumed before he came up with that plan? How many tapes of Nancy Kerrigan did he view prior to the act?

10:49 pm: Another cat in the house puked up her dinner, of course, on the carpet. Yaaaay Me!!! I am the only person still awake to clean it up.

10:52 pm: The Patriots Harrison picks off a pass on 4th and 6 with about 4 minutes left. I am now going to puke up my dinner.

10:56 pm: Stallworth for the Patriots just converted a third and long by diving for the first down. This pretty much puts a fork in the Jaguars. I wonder what jaguar tastes like? Chicken? Snake? Gator? Can you put hot sauce on it? Fried gator is pretty good actually. I had it in a restaurant just outside of Gainesville, Florida. Ironic isn't it?

10:59 pm: Ad for the next Rambo movie. Absolutely perfect. That guy must have had a combination of botox, HGH, steel rods, and crazy glue to look like a complete space alien. He must be on his way on another comet to Saturn. Someone should really get Sly to stop. He's going to end up like Lyle Alzado.

11:05 pm: The game is now over. I am going to have a heart attack to go with my tumor. I just saw two things I would never see in the same generation. I saw Coach Hoodie smile and actually hug his children and then I noticed that the Pats only won by 11 and I am right on another pick. I am going to have to give myself a triple bypass right now. I am doing it with only Advil as an anesthetic. I feel like I will be OK though since I have taken about 100 in the last two days. (I'm kidding just a little. No need to call the rescue squad yet. Wait till I start the surgery)

11:10 pm: Should I go find Coach Hoodie's presser? Any thoughts on this? I am really debating this in my head. On another note as I quickly roll to ESPNews, which college basketball team currently has a better record? Virginia Military Institute or Michigan? If you answered Michigan you would be wrong. VMI is 9-6 and Michigan is 5-8. Where is the Fav Five when you need them? I was clicking around earlier today and saw at the beginning of the 2nd half of the UNC-NC State that UNC was up 46-15. Just stupid.

11:18 pm: COACH HOODIE PRESSER!!!!!! HOW EXCITING!!! GET THE POPCORN KIDS!!! GET THE BATTERY CABLES OUT!!! ATTACH THEM TO MY __________!!!!!! GET THE PADDLES OUT!!!! I NEED CPR!!!!

11:21 pm: Next up: Zoolander Presser. Can't wait. His smile will be blinding. I need my shades. I need more Advil.

11:22 pm: Hoodie presser is now over. Anyone notice that no one asked him any real questions? What are they afraid of? Do they think if they ask the wrong question they'll get whacked by Darth Hoodie's minions? Wait. I already know the answer to this question. Never mind. Questions I would ask Coach Hoodie:
1. Did you make sure Tom got his child support payment in on time?
2. Did you take Nyquil before or after the game?
3. Who dressed you today?
4. Where is the body buried?
5. Is it true that you had a hit on Donovan McNabb and Tony Romo?
6. Who ordered the "Code Red"?

11:26 pm: ZOOLANDER PRESSER!!!! WAKE THE KIDS!!! GET MY SUNGLASSES OUT!!! HIDE THE WOMEN!!! HIDE THE SHEEP!!

11:28 pm: Doesn't anyone else notice that Tom tries to smile after every word he utters? What's with this? Nobody asks him any real questions either. Some questions I would ask are as follows:
1. Didn't your pre-school bust you for using performance enhancing drugs to learn your colors faster than everyone else?
2. Have you got your visitation set yet?
3. How much is your child support payment? $200,000 a week? $400,000?
4. If Gisele gets pregnant, will you dump her too?
5. Do you know how to put on a condom?
6. Isn't Randy Moss your "special wide receiver"?

A Letter To Bill

Dear Mr. Belichick,

Tomorrow your team, the "Evil Empire" New England Patriots, will be playing for a 16-0 season. This is a momentous occasion for everyone. I congratulate you and your team even though your quarterback is the NFL's version of Zoolander and has been using HGH since he was a five year old youngster living in the Bay Area. I have several pieces of advice for you this coming new year. First, you need a image make over. You are by far the worst dressed head coach in the history of the league. Not even close. Cut-off hoodies, pants that look like they were laundered two years ago, clothes that do not match, and head bands that would make Olivia Newton-John quiver all yell out "homeless person." This look is not working and has been getting worse since you started coaching. One gets the idea that you are slowly turning into Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver or you are on an escalating dose of Vicodin. Not sure which. My suggestion is to allow your wife (if you have one who will even talk to you) or call girl to dress you before games. That will improve your image quickly. Secondly, stop cheating. It is obvious that you are continuing to cheat in one way or another. If you are not videotaping other team's signals you are paying off referees. You are doing something sinister. Like taking coins out fountains, making deals with Satan, intercepting audio from opposing team's helmets, or defrauding the government by claiming that your in-game wardrobe is a "business expense."
Whatever you are doing, please stop. Third, control Zoolander. This year, Tom Brady managed to impregnate a hot actress and then dump her so badly that she would not even allow him near the hospital when the baby was born. Now he is trying to impregnate a hot underwear model. This world needs less Tom Brady's so he has to be stopped. Only you, Bill can stop him. Get him some condoms. Make sure he makes his child support payments. Encourage him to become a monk. He's out of control and needs to be stopped before we have a whole team of Tom Brady's out there who will go 65-0 in twenty or so years. Just like in the Terminator, the fate of humanity rests entirely on Tom Brady not impregnating anyone else. Fourth, if you go 19-0, please retire. For your own sake. If you go 19-0 then you would have achieved everything in coaching that one can do and much more. You don't need to do anymore. If you continue coaching beyond this year then all of the HGH, Vicodin, and Boston call girls will eventually catch up with you. I am afraid if that happens you will end up like Elvis keeled over on the toilet. Not pretty (especially if you are wearing your cut off hoodie at the time). I know that you believe that you do not need any advice. Just consider this an intervention or a warning or a prophecy. Just consider what I have advised before it is too late.

Sincerely,
Fox1073