Now That Brady Is Hurt, Who Do I Target Now?

Eight minutes into the season my favorite quarterback in the NFL, Tom Brady, went down with a left ACL tear that ended his season.  The jury is out whether or not it ends the Patriots season since they are the Evil Empire of the NFL and who knows what kind of unethical trick that they will  pull to remain in the thick of things.  The Colts, Chargers, Steelers, Jags, and maybe the Broncos now have reason to be hopeful.  Many people have stated that the Brady injury is bad for the league.  I totally disagree.  Now the season is more interesting and intriguing.  It is now no longer a given that the Patriots will win 12 to 15 games this year and being the number one seed in the AFC.  Some other team, maybe the Jets or the Bills, actually has a chance to win the division or at least be in the play-offs.  I am very interested in seeing how this all works itself out in the long run.

However, for me (and I am completely selfish), I am not as hopeful for the season as a wayward degenerate on-line sports gambler (I was 56% this weekend betting on everything from baseball to the CFL) blog writer.

I started this blog in December of last year.  Tom Brady was and is my favorite punching bag.  Not using protection, knocking up a pretty actress, dumping the pregnant actress, date another pretty underwear model all food for the machine that is this blog.  Now, he is gone.  For the season.  I was hoping to have the entire season to rain written haymakers at Brady.  I was planning to be openly critical of every single move he made on the field and even more so off the field.  I was ready.  Everyday I was ready to jab Brady with witty barbs about condoms, razors, gerbils, and edible underwear in bath houses in Boston.  I was really looking forward to it.  Now, it makes no sense.  He's not on the field.  He's hurt and gone for the season.  He is not on the front page as a target for my venom.  He will be irrelevant this season.  And that is the worst shot of all.  He will not be in the harshest public eye that he craves.  He will not be sought by reporters after every game which is what he needs as badly as he needs a cafe latte with skim goat milk from a Starbucks that he can walk to in a designer sweater made in a sweatshop in Thailand.  The whole point of writing disturbing blog posts about how Brady loves gerbils and garden hoses is predicated on the fact that he gets so much attention.  Now, he's out of the spotlight.  That hurts him the hardest and it hurts me because my target is gone.  I have to now find another target.  I always have to have a target.  In baseball it was Barry Zito and Andruw Jones for being horrible underachievers when you look at how much they are getting paid.  So who is going to be now?  Who can I target?   

It seems that Vince Young could be a nice target.  He wimped out of the first game of the year at home because he was being booed by the home fans for playing horribly that he did not want to enter the game at one point, faked an injury, and then went out and got hurt for real.  That makes for a great target...until the Titans called the police because he couldn't be found at home last night and they feared for his mental health.  When your employer calls the police because they are afraid that you are so emotionally fragile that you are teetering on the edge then your career with that employer is over.  Employers never want to deal with that mess no matter how concerned they seem.  Trust me.  It is for these reasons that make Young off limits for me.  I can't in good conscience go after him.

What about Brett Favre?  He is now a verb for unretiring within three months of retiring.  He plays for the Jets.  Problem is that he played pretty well in his first game and didn't cost them the game...however, it was the Jets.  Unless he completely falls apart there is no point in making him a blog target.  Unless he cheats on his wife with Sarah Palin.  

What about Ocho Cinco?  Too easy.  He is so ridiculous that even I can't top how ridiculous he is because he does it so well on his own.

What about the Raiders?   Too easy.  Al Davis is probably dead and they are propping him up to be seen like El Cid or the dead guy from Weekend at Bernie's.  That team is the biggest train wreck right now.  They played miserably last night as they were getting blown out by Denver.  Maybe they need to move again...to Las Vegas.

Tony Romo?  That might be the ticket.  He's handsome.  Dates an blond airhead.  Plays quarterback for the highest profile team in the league.  Wears his hats backwards trying to be a cool fourteen year kid. However, I can't think of what to blast him on.  Does anyone out there have any ideas?  The long and short of it is that I need a new NFL target to mercilessly blast every week.  Please send me your ideas.  I know that there has to be many to choose from out there, but I can't figure it out as I am in mourning that I can't rag on Brady for the rest of the season.  Help!!!

A Letter To Cheeseheads

Dear Cheeseheads,

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my office escaping my employees who secretly want me dead. Wait a minute, they actually do want me dead. They want me to be pushed to insanity like Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights. I turn on the Crackberry and read the e-mail headings in the nearly 3,000 e-mails I get daily. Most of these e-mails are from mobsters or pimps, but that is of little concern. I find a news alert stating that your favorite icon in Green Bay. Your #4. Your favorite Vicodin savior. Your Brett Favre announced his retirement from 17 years of NFL football. Most for your team--The Packers. Then I learned that there was no melodramatic tearful press conference where he announces in front of clicking cameras and hideous close-ups that he is finished. No on-field interview as snow was flying around Lambeau. No interview with Barbara Walters or Oprah Obama. He let us know that he was retiring by leaving voice mails and letting it officially be announced through the team's leadership. I felt a little miffed that Bret did not announce this to you face to face. He has been so honest and up-front with his up's and down's with you all throughout his time in Green Bay. Up until now. This was like finding out you were getting a divorce through your mailman delivering the divorce papers. I quickly got over Brett stiffing you until I heard interviews with you immediately after the announcement that Brett was not coming back from Mississippi this summer. I heard your reactions of full-blown grief, shock, and mourning. I heard how nothing was ever going to be the same again. I heard how the sun will never shine on Lambeau Field again. I heard how you needed to cry over your loss. Once I heard all of this, I knew that I needed to write you with several thoughts.

First, Brett Favre is not dead. I repeat. Brett did not die in a plane crash like Clemente. He did not get eaten by a bear. He did not get run over by a speed boat running cocaine into Miami. He did not die. Brett is definitely still alive. With this in mind, I have to say that you are over reacting. You are reacting as if your mother died or your favorite pet. You are acting as if you are going to go to his funeral and have his #4 jersey draped over a yellow and green coffin (and I KNOW that one exists!!!) and some sort of salute involving turkey shooters and bratwurst. Calm down. Brett is still alive. You are still alive. You do not need to act as if he did. You are being more melodramatic than Brit Spears. Stop, wake up, and smell the cheese.

Second, Brett may not be completely done. It is March. The season starts in six months. Training camp is in four months. Every NFL player is exhausted in March. Every player is looking in the mirror and asking themselves if they really have another year left in the tank. Favre, of course, is mentally tired. He is a NFL quarterback. He is one of the best quarterbacks ever to play. He holds the career mark for interceptions. However, Favre physically is in good shape. Physically he is able to play at a very high level. He still has the ability to lead his team into the play-offs and beyond. I definitely imagine after Favre kills a few animals and hits a golf ball one too many times into a creek or does another commercial for acid reflux disease that the fire will return. The competitive drive will come back and he'll be dying to get back on the field. I will not believe that he is completely retired until Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap for your team in a real regular season game--in September.

Third, please please give Aaron Rodgers a chance. I know that he is not Brett. No one is going to be Brett. Brett is an all-time gamer. He is one of the best. Notice that I did not say was. I said is. I am not convinced that he is really done. However, in case he is then I need to tell you to give Rodgers a chance. I do not know how good he will be. I do not know if he will be able to lead your team to the promised land. I do not know if he will develop a gambling habit or a Vicodin addiction or have a desire to see dogs kill each other. I do not know and neither do you. I do know that your team felt that he had the athletic ability and potential to be your starting quarterback. I do know that you will destroy any chance he has to be an effective quarterback who will lead the Packers to victory if you turn on him the moment he has a bad game. If a rainstorm of boos come from you every time he throws that ill-timed interception or dart into the dirt thirty yards away from any receiver, then you will kill him. Once that happens, then he is no good to you and a long line of really horrible quarterbacks will follow. Then you will be--The Atlanta Falcons. A train wreck of a team where no one who has any talent wants to play (except back-up running backs gunning to prove themselves). You did not know Favre was going to be Favre until you gave him a chance. Please give Rodgers the same chance. Don't destroy his psyche by Week 4. If you do, then you get what you dish out. Trust me.

Good luck to you. Cut back on all the beer and brats. See a doctor. Stay healthy.

Signed,

Fox 4NX