Your NFL Picks

I am on-call again.  I got called at 4:30 this morning by an ER doc who wanted to make a referral for Monday.  I love this job!  On one hand I was glad that I could go back to sleep.  On the other hand, there was no point in waking me up at that hour to start with.  That's the problem with night shift folks.  They believe since they are up that everyone else should get up too and join the fun.  I had a family member who would only work the night shift in the hospital.  He stated that on night shift the administration is not there to mess with you and you can definitely get away with stuff on shift that would get you fired during the day.  Like getting oral sex in a closet, smoking crack or gambling at craps.  OK, you have a good point there.  

I sent a letter to Bill Simmons concerning my idea to turn MLB into the English Premier League which has not been answered.  I suspect that it will not get answered as he probably got 100,000 letters just like mine saying the exact same thing.  I guess I'll have to take the case to court or something. I use my cat, Mick, as my attorney. He would be damn good. He knows exactly how to prepare briefs and motions. The only problem is that I don't think he passed the bar. I guess I might have to defend myself. I can't pay his fees anyways. But, I do have Dippy who definitely knows how to handle himself in a court room. He just will need to make sure that he does not wear his blood and semen stained pirate bear outfit.

Now for my pro picks.  According the wonderful folks at wagerline.com I am six games under .500 in my NFL picks for the year so far.  I am 49% against the spread and over/under picks combined.  That puts me over 9000 units in the hole and in the 6th percentile of everyone else.  So in two weeks I have earned back over 1000 units.  If Mick was making the picks I am sure that he would be on top of the leaderboard up about 15,000 units.  He is absolutely gifted at making picks.  Last night he picked the Nuggets to beat the Celtics and the Lakers to lose to Detroit.  He was right on both counts.  The likelihood that this was going to occur was around 32-1.  I've gotta go with his picks more often or take him to Vegas to count cards.

Denver at Atlanta (-6.5)

OK, Atlanta is a good team.  They have a good formula for victory.  They are now getting some national attention.  They have done much better than anyone expected.  Matt Ryan could be the second coming of...of...of...who knows.  Denver has been underachieving.  They have a good quarterback who has been cooling off.  I do not know who is running the ball for them and they have a terrible pass defense.   When I first saw this game on the schedule I penciled in a twenty plus point loss.  Not today.  Take Atlanta and the points.

Mick:  Atlanta

Oakland at Miami (-10)

This game is much more interesting than it seems.  Miami is actually a decent team.  Ricky Williams is doing well.  They run gimmick plays.  Chad Pennington is their quarterback, but they have pretty much stayed in every game win or lose.  They are favored by a good margin.  However, they're playing the Raiders.  The Raiders continue to prove that they are the biggest train wreck in all of football.  They are a bigger wreck than the Lions and Rams.  Only the dumpster grease fire that are the Bengals are worse.  But, still...it's real bad.  I heard that the Crypt Keeper tried to call Kenny Stabler in rehab in Alabama to run the run and shoot offense this week.  It's really that bad.  Trust me.  Take the Dolphins.

Mick:  Miami

St. Louis at San Francisco (-6.5)

In order to help the finances of San Francisco 49er fans that may go to this game, the team should give each of the fans their money back when they come to the gates.  Give them free beer, wine, cheese, seal meat, snail, or whatever it is they eat at that dreadful football stadium that is not a football stadium.  Mike Singletary has toned down a little bit after they blew the game against the Cardinals that gave them a false sense of competency.  I have not heard if he has exposed any more body parts to his players in the locker room.  He has not been arrested in Golden Gate Park for lewd activities.  This may be his only real chance to get his first win.  His team better give it to him or else.  The Rams are truly bad.  And so are the 49ers.  Take the 49ers for Mike Singletary's sake.

Mick:  St. Louis

Dallas at Washington (+1)

Dallas is completely demoralized.  They are coached by a guy whose father is named "Bum".  This explains his coaching skills.  TO was on Letterman, which is a bad sign.  As an aside, does anyone believe that he actually put out a children's book?  That makes about as much as sense as me giving out advice on relationships. Tony Romo's pinkie is back, which could be a good sign.  The owner is guaranteeing that the Cowboys will go to the play-offs.  The problem on the other side is that it looks like Shaun Alexander may get some touches at running back for the Redskins, which is a horrible sign for them.  The Redskins best cross dressing player, CP, will not be in the game.  Take Dallas in a must-win game for their fragile psyche.

Mick:  Washington

Minnesota at Tampa Bay (-4)

Not sure what to say about this game.  It's an important game for both teams.  Minnesota is coached by a guy who looks like the janitor at any local middle school (see above pic).  He coaches just as well as one, too.  Tampa is at the top of their division and are clearly a solid team with no flash or major drama.  Not many arrests on that team.  A good sign.  As much as I want the Bucs to stumble I don't think that coach Middle School Janitor can make that happen with a quarterback who is best known for giving himself a concussion by slamming his head into the end zone padding--on purpose.  The Bucs should win fairly easily.  

Mick:  Tampa  

My Presidential Endorsement And Mick's Picks

Mick the Cat did better than me in making pro football picks last weekend so he is back to make more picks. He has gotten pretty cocky now and is walking through the house with mass amounts of bling stating he had gotten it all from his "winnings" in Vegas. And the damn cat has never been to Vegas. Insane.

Dippy is out of jail now on some sort of technicality. Apparently he got a ton of evidence thrown out of court as it was gotten illegally. Something about not having a search warrant or something. Chain of custody issues. Whatever. He wants to make some picks on pro football for this weekend, but is not sure he should make too many comments about his state of affairs or any state of affairs. Dippy has had more legal charges than anyone in a pirate bear costume should have. He is the only one who celebrates Halloween everyday...or maybe not.

Then we have the magic that is Mike Singletary. Days after the greatest head coach debut news presser ever in the history of organized sports we find out that 49ers head coach Singletary is basically insane. We find out that during half time of his very first NFL head coaching game he dropped his pants and mooned his own team. Why? To illustrate how the Seahawks were kicking their asses. How did the 49ers play after Singletary literally showed his ass? They played worse. On the list of things not to do as a football head coach at any level (except the CFL) is to show your ass literally to your own team. That ranks on the list around with setting yourself on fire, getting arrested for DUI's, killing your pregnant girlfriend, and selling porn. You just don't. Just don't do it. Take off your pants in your own house. Not in the locker room in front of your players. Not in your car. Not outside in a park. In your own home. At this rate of sanity decline, Singletary will not make it past this season which would be very unfortuneate because he is quite entertaining.

Let me just say that the Presidential election is over. Unless something crazy happens such as Obama being caught on tape with a crack pipe or running from reporters at a hotel where his mistress is hiding their love child then Obama will win the election. There will be some nervous moments until the polls in California close, but it's over. The result of this election really has as much to do with the state of affairs in the country than the candidates themselves. I am reminded of 1992 when Asterisk Sr. was running for re-election during an economic downturn and appeared totally out of touch and a dynamic, younger, image conscious Bill Clinton used the third party candidate and a wave of change talk to win the White House fairly easily.  Times are darker now.  The economy is in a deflation (which is worse than inflation by the way) and is on the verge of a deep depression (not a recession which we are already in, but a depression).  Our military is stretched thinner than Tom Brady's condoms fighting a war that it should have never fought while struggling to keep any gains from the war we should have fought.  At this point, Russia is in better shape than we are.  In 1992, a vote for Asterisk Sr. was a vote for more of the same failing policies that were in place under Reagan and his hand maiden.  Now, a vote for McCain is a vote for more of the last eight years of Captain Asterisk's mad cowboy vision of America that has led us down the rabbit hole into oblivion.  It is also a vote for lowest common denominator of arrogance and ignorance.  This is personified by the GOP Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin who is as appealing as Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem and just as ugly.  Palin represents everything that is wrong with the GOP.  She is trite, out of touch, out of ideas, blind, fraudulent, and boorish.  Though I am not a huge fan of Oprah Obama he does represent at least a different direction...a refreshing change.  He appears to be in touch with what is actually happening at the ground level.  He appears to have a vision.  He appears to have empathy for people.  He appears to be calm and thoughtful under fire.  He has a connection to people and strives for it.  His ideas and policies make more sense in this trying time.  He presents an energy towards going forward as opposed to going sideways.  He's brighter, more energetic, more intelligent, and more in touch with reality.  Sure, he is not that experienced.  I have to ask though.  Do we really need experience?  What has experience gotten us?  Don't we need someone who may have some level of objectivity?  As you can guess I am endorsing Oprah Obama.  This is without any reservations or hesitations.  His election will be a world changing event.  In a flat world, this would cause it to flip...just like Hammer's house.

Now your pro football picks:

Houston at Minnesota (-4.5)

Why am I picking this game?  Well, I have a soft spot for Minnesota.  The Vikings have not met expectations this year so far.  It is not too late for them, but when you have Gus as your quarterback I do not know how far you're going to go.  I honestly don't know anything about Houston.  Do they still have a team?  Does anyone watch their games?  Are they still the Oilers?

Take the Vikings.

Dippy:  My gerbil is smarter than any fox I know.  Matter of fact your cat is smarter than any fox I know.  Take Houston.

Mick:  Houston.

Pittsburgh at Washington (-1)

I really like what is happening in Washington.  I hope that it is sustainable.  Has Campbell thrown an interception yet?  They escaped being beaten by a no-loss team in Detroit.  Not sure exactly what your are going to get from this team.  Their games against Cleveland and Detroit were not real convincing.  However, they are 6-2.  A win is a win.  Pittsburgh presents a big test for this team.  It's a test that I don't think they will pass.  Take the Steelers.

Dippy:  Did you notice that as we are writing this stupid entry that your Bulldogs are being killed.  I mean prison raped by Florida right now.  Georgia is the most over-rated team that I ever seen.  They are more over-rated than Spam.  More over-rated than Madonna.  More over-rated than any movie that Richard Gere has been in since 1992.  Take Washington.

Mick:  Washington.

Dallas at NY Giants (-9.5)

The Cowboys are like the Raiders except with more talent.  More talent means that you should win more games.  More talent with a coach who is a marshmallow means unmet expectations.  TO will be doing sit-ups in his drive way by December 1st and this will be his last season in Dallas.  He'll be playing for Atlanta next year.  The point spread for this game is too high.  I think that Dallas will keep it close and eventually lose.  I know how good the Giants are, but they are also over-rated.

Dippy:  Fox, did you ever consider visiting me in jail?  You didn't.  You did not show up.  You were too busy.  You were too busy chasing women and money around.  Too busy making stupid bets on-line.  How much are you down by now?  The Giants are great.  Eli Manning is playing better than his brother.   Coach Tom's head hasn't melted off yet.  Take the Giants.

Mick:  Giants.

Detroit at Chicago (-12.5)

I am pulling for Detroit.  Not to win.  No.  Not at all.  I want them to complete the perfect season.  I want them to lose all 16 games.  I think they can do it.  Sadly, I think they'll actually win their last game of the year against a team that has nothing to play for and will be playing JV high school players.  Nonetheless, I want the impossible dream to happen.  I was broken hearted when Miami somehow beat Baltimore for a win.  I hope to not be so disappointed this time around.  The point spread for this game is also too high.  Detroit has been playing people tough.  I don't think the Bears will cover.  Take the Lions.

Mick:  The Lions.  Of course.

Dippy:  Only a loser would pull for another team to go 0-16.  Take the Bears.  

Atlanta at Oakland (+3)

Beat the teams that are not as good as you and play well against the teams that are better than you.  That is exactly how it has played out for Atlanta.  They have lost to three teams that are way better than they are.  The Falcons have beaten teams that are much worse than them.  The Raiders?  I think that they are in the category of teams that the Falcons should beat.  Take Atlanta.  Take that #47!!!

Dippy:  The Raiders are better than the Falcons.  No, just kidding.  The Florida Gators are.  At least we can say that the Gators are a ton better than the over-rated Bulldog team that have killed today.  I love it.  I love watching your team get slaughtered and burned.  The Falcons will make it perfect weekend for Georgia football by going to Oakland and watch DeAngelo Hall score a pick six off of Ryan.  Take the Raiders.  Is there a pool on the Crypt Keepers death?

Mick:  Raiders.   

The Black Hole Of Bay Area Sports

I was listening to the San Francisco 49ers radio broadcast as they were being shelled by Craig Stadler's Seahawks squad who entering the game had won one game and looked miserable in every other game this year.  Until they arrived in San Francisco.  As the game got further and further out of reach the commentator and analyst became more and more jaded and dark.  They started off criticizing only a few things to eventually making runs at everyone on the team, the coaches, the fans, the beer guys, and the city itself.  It was fun to listen to if it wasn't so absolutely sad to listen to a spoiled franchise continue to wallow in the black hole of professional sports that the Bay Area has become.  The 49ers are down to Shaun Hill as their quarterback who can not throw the ball longer than ten yards.  This will suit offensive coordinator Mile Martz perfectly as he relies on a passing game that forces the quarterback to be able to throw the ball twenty five yards or more.  The Raiders are being run through the ground by a crypt keeper of an owner who lost touch with reality when he forces Jon Gruden out setting the stage for him to destroy the Raiders the next year in the Super Bowl.  The Raiders and their fans are the biggest jokes in the league with little hope in sight until the Crypt Keeper dies and hands the team over to whom?  The Giants went to the World Series and 2002 and have fallen apart a little more every year since.  The nightmare of Barry Bonds is over, but his curse still hangs over the team like Tom Brady's infected knee still hangs over the S&M parlor he frequents in L.A.  The Giants stink and so does the A's.  The Oakland A's are grossly irrelevant and the only people that show up for their games in the clearly the worst stadium in baseball are people simply too lazy to make it into San Francisco.  To top it all off their hats match absolutely nothing in anyone's wardrobe...except Craig Sager.  The Warriors lost their best player to the Clippers of all teams which only shows how irrelevant they are.  If you lose your best player to one of the worst sports franchises that have ever existed then you should be kicked out of the league.  The fact that they signed their coach for an additional two years proves that they have no clue what they are doing or simply don't care or both.   The Sharks and Earthquakes both play in San Jose, which does not in the grand scheme of things.   All in all things are going great for Bay Area sports.  The fun thing there is that there more teams that can go into the toilet than in Atlanta.  Two teams in football and baseball that are as putrid as baked squid left out in the sun for five days make double the fun than watching the same thing happen in Atlanta.  So I guess I can feel lucky that I'm an Atlanta fan in that respect.  It can be worse!  I could pull for the Raiders!

By the way, Mick the Cat went 4-1 with his football picks.  I, of course, went 3-2.  So Mick is coming back for another week.  Dippy is busy with his hooker...er...lawyer...er...probation officer...er...dealer.  Whatever.  Dippy is busy.  On wagerline.com, I am 48% with pro picks for the week.  I have lost another 1,000 "units" and I am in the hole for 10,000 total for the season. Things are going well.  

Your Pro Football Picks With Mick The Cat

So far this NFL season at wagerline.com I am standing at 47% with my picks and I am 6,000 "units" in the hole. I pick both the spread and the over/under on each game of the week. I do absolutely no research. I go only by instinct. Except that my cat can do better. So to prove my point I will compete against my house cat on five games. The cat will pick by the first team name he touches when the match-up is held up. Now this cat is not declawed and probably is rabid so this might be difficult.

Oakland at Baltimore (-9)
By the luck of the draw I was able to watch the last of the Raiders-Jets match-up from last Sunday. This was one of the worst games I have ever seen. Both teams were worse than putrid. They were as fresh as garden salad left on the counter for three weeks with no air conditioning...in Nevada. Favre looked like he was hurt. The Raiders do not know concepts like a snap count and how many people belong on the field. The showed a shot of Raiders owner Al Davis in his box and he looked like the Crypt Keeper. Somehow the Raiders kicker (shouldn't he be in jail due to multiple DUIs?) ended this game and the Raiders actually won. I felt cheated that we did not get a shot after the game of the Crypt Keeper celebrating the win. They won't win this week. They never play well after a win at home and then traveling cross country. Terell Suggs will have another bounty...er...contest...er...friendly banter against the Raiders. Take the Ravens. Though Flacco is the worst name for a NFL quarterback ever.
Mick The Cat: Ravens.

Seattle at San Francisco (-5)
Why am I picking this game? No one under 12 should be allowed to watch this game. These two teams deserve to end in a tie. That is how bad they both are. I am interested to see how Mike Singletary does as a head coach. I loved him as a player and I suspect that players will be willing to play hard for him. Sadly, Nolan picked Alex Smith as his franchise quarterback and look how well he's doing now. He looks real good carrying a clipboard watching a guy that no one ever heard of start for his team. Seattle coach Craig Stadler is doing real well in his last season. Stick to your day job Stadler. Take the 49ers.
Mick The Cat: Seattle.

Washington at Detroit (+9)
i am having a real struggle with this game. The Redskins should not have lost at home to St. Louis. They gave that game away. The Lions are worse than the Rams and they are playing in Detroit. Last week the Redskins should have won by at least ten points or more against Cleveland. I just can't take Washington at Detroit with a point spread of nine. Detroit is not going to win, but this point spread is too high with a team that no one can really predict what they will do. Detroit, it is.
Mick The Cat: Washington. Meow.

Atlanta at Philadelphia (-9.5)
I know that everyone has jumped on my case for not believing in my beloved Falcons. If you have been a fan of the Falcons you would understand that nothing is ever as good as it appears and that at the end of every rainbow there is a pile of crap. Today I saw Matt Ryan's jersey being sold at the mall. Now it is the beginning of the end. Actually, no. I believe in Ryan. I think that he is the real deal. His mental game is excellent which will prove him well as his career progresses. The only thing stopping him are injuries and/or team management ineptitude by not surrounding him with good players. I refuse to have high expectations of the Falcons until the management shows that they know how to surround their franchise quarterback with good players. However, I am the most hopeful I have been about the future of an Atlanta quarterback since...ever...and that includes Vick/Mexico and Bartkowski. It will be a tough game for Ryan in Philly, but I think Atlanta will keep it close and I am not sold on the Eagles anyways. Atlanta.
Mick The Cat: Eagles.

Arizona at Carolina (-3)Why hasn't Kurt Warner gotten hurt yet? I have been waiting all year to see everyone's favorite beer bong sucking statutory rapist Matt Leinart play. Warner was one step away from retirement after Bouldin almost got his face snapped off against the Jets. I am waiting though. I wonder how ready Leinart is to come out if Warner breaks his pinkie or something. Is he on the sideline all hung over praying that Jenny from the whirl pool at the Holiday Inn will get her monthly friend to come in on time? Also, I am sick of hearing about Tony Romo's pinkie. That pinkie has had so much power over the Cowboys season and the air waves that I can't stand hearing about it anymore. The pinkie needs to talk about Tom Brady's knee which is getting also over-exposed. So, I need to pick one. Arizona does not travel to the East Coast well either. They will get rolled. Carolina is quite good and if the Cowboys don't get their act together Carolina has a chance at a high seed in the play-offs....if they can only compete with Tampa...ugh. Take Carolina.
Mick The Cat: Carolina. Of Course.

A New Low And Your Pro Football Picks

I love the above video. It is the latest chapter of the most surreal downfall in the history of professional sports. The Oakland Raiders were once a proud franchise that had it's own mystique that personified the grit of the ugly sister of the Bay Area main cities. Three Super Bowls. Ken Stabler. Al Davis in jump suits. Stick-Um soaked uniforms. All part of the lore of the Raiders. Prior to this week the Raiders had sunk to one of the worst franchises in professional sports. As an Atlanta sports fan, I know all about being the worst franchise in professional sports...we have the Falcons and the Hawks...and we know how stellar those franchises are!! Remember everyone that the Raiders had a Super Bowl appearance in this decade. Of course, the week of the game, their center went on a literal manic rant and ended up in Mexico doing who knows what. He's in prison now, I think, but I digress. The Bowl loss to Tampa Bay and the team's coach from the previous season who was run out of town by Al Davis before he died led to a free-fall at a massive level. Not even the fall from grace of Barry Bonds, Pete Rose, Roger Clemens, and Barry Manilow can compare to the suicide jump from the Bay Bridge the Raiders have taken. When Coach Chuckie was run out of town to Tampa it was clear that Al Davis's brain had finally succumbed to the effects of untreated syphilis. He had gone absolutely insane and eventually died four years ago. They prop up his body in the booth during games and at his desk like El Cid. Decisions are made by putting choices on pieces of paper on his desk and raising his cold hand over his head and letting it randomly flop on a choice. Hence we have the choice of Lane Kiffin as a head coach and letting Fargas be a starting running back. The fact that Kiffin is still the head coach proves that Al Davis is really dead and the key decisions are being made by a flopping hand. The fact that upper management of the Raiders openly criticizes Kiffin and, as the video above illustrates, attacks reporters during pressers shows that the Raiders have sunk to being the worst professional sports franchise. The Knicks are right there, but the Raiders have caught up. I am almost ashamed to admit that I have been a fan of the Raiders. For one of the stupidest reasons in the history of sports fandom. Here's the story. When I was thirteen my best friend had an electric football set. He had all of the NFL teams. He also had a wild imagination. He ran a electric football league with all of the NFL teams playing a shortened season and then a play-off leading to a Super Bowl. He liked to include his friends in the game by making them players on various teams in the league. One season I was "drafted" by the then Los Angeles Raiders. I did better than Todd Marinovich and won three Super Bowl titles three MVP awards, married Madonna, and ended up the Hall of Fame in the Silver Spring, Maryland electric football league before being found in a hotel room with a drugged out prate bear, a rabbit, ten bags of heroin, and the Olsen twins. At that point, being thirteen and a wanna-be goth sports degenerate the Raiders were appealing. They have not won a Super Bowl, electric or otherwise, since.

Now the Raiders are run by a dead guy who died of syphilis four years ago. The Raiders have gone 19-61 in the last five years. They have had fifty head coaches in that time frame. They have also made horrible personnel decisions and random draft picks that have led to a sense of disorder that only is eclipsed in it's ineptness by the Bush presidency and WaMu. The team on the field is actually playing better even though they blew a nine point lead with four minutes left last weekend. However, internally, when your team is being run by a dead guy you have surreal moments like upper management types with bad polo shirts attacking reporters at a presser for asking questions about the death watch of Lane Kiffin while on the other hand the same bad polo short wearing idiots bash the same coach every day in the press. The franchise has fallen to a new low. The lowest and worst professional franchise. Congratulations.


Atlanta at Carolina (-6.5)
Bill Simmons summed up my feelings about the 2-1 Falcons with this passage today:

"I'd feel a little better if their two victories hadn't come against Nos. 31 and 30 on this list. Still, your average Falcons fan is like a broke college student who went to a casino with $100 to gamble, turned it into $300 in 20 minutes, put a $100 chip in his pocket, shrugged his shoulders and said, "Whatever happens from now on, worst-case scenario, I'm breaking even."

My feelings exactly. Everything else might just be icing. Did you notice that both Michael Turner and Julius Norwood are averaging over six yards a carry? That won't be the case after Sunday. The Panthers are a better team. They are playing at home. They should win by at least a touchdown. It will be a struggle to score points. Take the under also.
Dippy: Carolina, of course.

San Francisco at New Orleans (-5)
The Saints have been a huge disappointment in my book. They supposedly made upgrades to their offense and defense. None of that has bore fruit. They have no defense to speak of and they are going up against a real upgraded offense in San Francisco. The Saints can't stop the pass (or even the run). This might be a track meet and I would take the 49ers.
Dippy: New Orleans.

Washington at Dallas (-11)
The line in this game is too high. I know that Tony Romo is at home. He's probably been drinking Jess under the table for the last two weeks and doing cocaine with TO. Nevertheless, the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC. But this line is too high in this rivalry game. Take the points with Washington who will keep it close against an over-rated defense.
Dippy: Washington.

Baltimore at Pittsburgh (-5.5)
The Ravens are better than any of us think. Their defense is back to am above average level and their offense looks actually functional under Flacco (the worst football name ever). New coach and new energy for Baltimore will come down to reality this week. Pittsburgh is so brazenly vanilla that they dare you to try to beat them even though everyone knows what they are going to do next. Take Pittsburgh.
Dippy: Baltimore.

Minnesota at Tennessee (-3)
This looks like a complete sucker bet. The Titans at home against the Vikings. On paper, the Titans are playing at a higher level. Be careful of the Titans. Even with Kerry Collins as the quarterback they are a formidable team. He's actually an upgrade. A real quarterback. Their offense is functional and their defense is very good. Petersen is hurt, again. Take the Titans. This one looks so easy that I am tempted to pick the Vikings. Nonetheless, I believe in the Titans. I wonder if Collins is still sober.
Dippy: Tennessee.