All Hail The Snuggie!

It has been an awfully long month and ten or so days. I have been in the basement for the entire time waiting for Tom Brady to come out and do something stupid. That did not happen...yet. I was waiting for Matt Leinart to get caught on some fools Blackberry Storm video in another hot tub with seventeen year old SoCal co-eds with the wrong end of a beer bong shoved down his throat. That hasn't happened as far as I know. Instead his team the Arizona Cardinals inexplicably are in a conference championship game led by a the biggest Jesus freak in NFL history. Tom Brady, for his defense, is still trying to rehab from a knee surgery that his family vet completed some months ago after a feigned injury in the first game of the year. We will find out when he is trying to get into the Hall of Fame that he actually got injured in his S&M chamber.

We are now getting ready to actually put a new President in the White House. The end of one of the worst segments in American history might actually be over. I have been increasingly convinced that the last years was an absolute nightmare of epic proportions and I have little hope that anything will happen to break the spell...at least in the next two to three years. To watch one of the great companies of the last twenty five years, Circuit City, all of the sudden implode and thus causing 35,000 additional jobs to be lost. Whose counting...aren't we now up to three million or so lost jobs? Watching Circuit City blow up like Lindsey Lohan after a three day coke binge was sad. Watching the Farewell (and Good Riddance) President Asterisk tour wind down with impeccably staged and banal speeches was re-traumatizing. I did not need to see that. I was better off watching re-runs of the Cosby Show on some distant channel. I don't frankly know which is worse...watching President Asterisk state with absolutely no sense of guilt or shame or empathy or anything resembles humanity that he may or may not have made mistakes and that some people say that he made the wrong choices or watching his Vice President nod off during the thirteen minutes of his speech the other night in the White House. Was he nodding off when he shot someone on a hunting trip? In my wildest dreams I hope to see both of them wearing Snuggies getting on the helicopter out of town so they can meet the Mother Ship that will take them to the alien hot bed of Texas. Of course I could dream. Meanwhile President Oprah will now take the reigns of one of the biggest messes that any President has probably ever taken on. I wonder if it's too late to turn down the job offer. He's pissed enough already about having to maybe give up his Blackberry (He shouldn't. I wouldn't.) That might be a deal breaker right there. I can hear him saying the following: "It's OK that the economy is in the worst shape in seventy years and we are hated the world over and we have been locked into wars with no end and Jim Rice made it into the baseball Hall of Fame, but if I can't keep my Blackberry Curve then I am not taking the job. Take this job and shove it." He gets sworn in on Tuesday. It's not too late. If he doesn't get sworn in then what happens? Does the Sham-Wow guy get it? What about the person who thought that the Snuggie would make an excellent gift for...Halloween when you want to dress up for the next Star Trek convention or be beamed up.

So we are a few weeks from the Super Bowl. We have the Ravens and the Steelers in one game which will resemble a fifty car pile-up on a foggy interstate in California and the Cardinals and the Eagles that will resemble a carnival ride in Berlin. I am somewhat surprised that the Ravens are in the conference final after somehow taking advantage of one of the biggest choke jobs in history as the Titans found every way to blow the game with turn overs, penalties, and paying off the referees to ignore the play clock on a key third down play. I do not expect the Steelers to blow it as big as the Titans, but it is possible. There is precedence of the Steelers tanking a conference championship game that they should win. Maybe Big Ben's post motor cycle accident syndrome we hit him and he'll choke and throw like three picks while the Unibrow wearing Joe Flacco manages the game (circa Trent Dilfer) and Ed Reed runs a pick back for a TD. It could happen, but I sort of doubt it. The Cardinals are an interesting story. They get destroyed late in the season by the Eagles and in the snow to the Evil Empire. Everyone (except me) picked the Falcons to beat them. What do they do? They shock Carolina (which was over-rated anyways) in Charlotte and end up hosting the Eagles. Kurt Warner is on his way to his own Snuggie ad when his career is over. I see it happening. What I am hoping for is that he gets beamed up to purgatory during the game allowing for a hung over Matt Leinart to enter the game. That would be classic. However, I won't be watching because I am preparing for the alien invasion.

My Presidential Endorsement And Mick's Picks

Mick the Cat did better than me in making pro football picks last weekend so he is back to make more picks. He has gotten pretty cocky now and is walking through the house with mass amounts of bling stating he had gotten it all from his "winnings" in Vegas. And the damn cat has never been to Vegas. Insane.

Dippy is out of jail now on some sort of technicality. Apparently he got a ton of evidence thrown out of court as it was gotten illegally. Something about not having a search warrant or something. Chain of custody issues. Whatever. He wants to make some picks on pro football for this weekend, but is not sure he should make too many comments about his state of affairs or any state of affairs. Dippy has had more legal charges than anyone in a pirate bear costume should have. He is the only one who celebrates Halloween everyday...or maybe not.

Then we have the magic that is Mike Singletary. Days after the greatest head coach debut news presser ever in the history of organized sports we find out that 49ers head coach Singletary is basically insane. We find out that during half time of his very first NFL head coaching game he dropped his pants and mooned his own team. Why? To illustrate how the Seahawks were kicking their asses. How did the 49ers play after Singletary literally showed his ass? They played worse. On the list of things not to do as a football head coach at any level (except the CFL) is to show your ass literally to your own team. That ranks on the list around with setting yourself on fire, getting arrested for DUI's, killing your pregnant girlfriend, and selling porn. You just don't. Just don't do it. Take off your pants in your own house. Not in the locker room in front of your players. Not in your car. Not outside in a park. In your own home. At this rate of sanity decline, Singletary will not make it past this season which would be very unfortuneate because he is quite entertaining.

Let me just say that the Presidential election is over. Unless something crazy happens such as Obama being caught on tape with a crack pipe or running from reporters at a hotel where his mistress is hiding their love child then Obama will win the election. There will be some nervous moments until the polls in California close, but it's over. The result of this election really has as much to do with the state of affairs in the country than the candidates themselves. I am reminded of 1992 when Asterisk Sr. was running for re-election during an economic downturn and appeared totally out of touch and a dynamic, younger, image conscious Bill Clinton used the third party candidate and a wave of change talk to win the White House fairly easily.  Times are darker now.  The economy is in a deflation (which is worse than inflation by the way) and is on the verge of a deep depression (not a recession which we are already in, but a depression).  Our military is stretched thinner than Tom Brady's condoms fighting a war that it should have never fought while struggling to keep any gains from the war we should have fought.  At this point, Russia is in better shape than we are.  In 1992, a vote for Asterisk Sr. was a vote for more of the same failing policies that were in place under Reagan and his hand maiden.  Now, a vote for McCain is a vote for more of the last eight years of Captain Asterisk's mad cowboy vision of America that has led us down the rabbit hole into oblivion.  It is also a vote for lowest common denominator of arrogance and ignorance.  This is personified by the GOP Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin who is as appealing as Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem and just as ugly.  Palin represents everything that is wrong with the GOP.  She is trite, out of touch, out of ideas, blind, fraudulent, and boorish.  Though I am not a huge fan of Oprah Obama he does represent at least a different direction...a refreshing change.  He appears to be in touch with what is actually happening at the ground level.  He appears to have a vision.  He appears to have empathy for people.  He appears to be calm and thoughtful under fire.  He has a connection to people and strives for it.  His ideas and policies make more sense in this trying time.  He presents an energy towards going forward as opposed to going sideways.  He's brighter, more energetic, more intelligent, and more in touch with reality.  Sure, he is not that experienced.  I have to ask though.  Do we really need experience?  What has experience gotten us?  Don't we need someone who may have some level of objectivity?  As you can guess I am endorsing Oprah Obama.  This is without any reservations or hesitations.  His election will be a world changing event.  In a flat world, this would cause it to flip...just like Hammer's house.

Now your pro football picks:

Houston at Minnesota (-4.5)

Why am I picking this game?  Well, I have a soft spot for Minnesota.  The Vikings have not met expectations this year so far.  It is not too late for them, but when you have Gus as your quarterback I do not know how far you're going to go.  I honestly don't know anything about Houston.  Do they still have a team?  Does anyone watch their games?  Are they still the Oilers?

Take the Vikings.

Dippy:  My gerbil is smarter than any fox I know.  Matter of fact your cat is smarter than any fox I know.  Take Houston.

Mick:  Houston.

Pittsburgh at Washington (-1)

I really like what is happening in Washington.  I hope that it is sustainable.  Has Campbell thrown an interception yet?  They escaped being beaten by a no-loss team in Detroit.  Not sure exactly what your are going to get from this team.  Their games against Cleveland and Detroit were not real convincing.  However, they are 6-2.  A win is a win.  Pittsburgh presents a big test for this team.  It's a test that I don't think they will pass.  Take the Steelers.

Dippy:  Did you notice that as we are writing this stupid entry that your Bulldogs are being killed.  I mean prison raped by Florida right now.  Georgia is the most over-rated team that I ever seen.  They are more over-rated than Spam.  More over-rated than Madonna.  More over-rated than any movie that Richard Gere has been in since 1992.  Take Washington.

Mick:  Washington.

Dallas at NY Giants (-9.5)

The Cowboys are like the Raiders except with more talent.  More talent means that you should win more games.  More talent with a coach who is a marshmallow means unmet expectations.  TO will be doing sit-ups in his drive way by December 1st and this will be his last season in Dallas.  He'll be playing for Atlanta next year.  The point spread for this game is too high.  I think that Dallas will keep it close and eventually lose.  I know how good the Giants are, but they are also over-rated.

Dippy:  Fox, did you ever consider visiting me in jail?  You didn't.  You did not show up.  You were too busy.  You were too busy chasing women and money around.  Too busy making stupid bets on-line.  How much are you down by now?  The Giants are great.  Eli Manning is playing better than his brother.   Coach Tom's head hasn't melted off yet.  Take the Giants.

Mick:  Giants.

Detroit at Chicago (-12.5)

I am pulling for Detroit.  Not to win.  No.  Not at all.  I want them to complete the perfect season.  I want them to lose all 16 games.  I think they can do it.  Sadly, I think they'll actually win their last game of the year against a team that has nothing to play for and will be playing JV high school players.  Nonetheless, I want the impossible dream to happen.  I was broken hearted when Miami somehow beat Baltimore for a win.  I hope to not be so disappointed this time around.  The point spread for this game is also too high.  Detroit has been playing people tough.  I don't think the Bears will cover.  Take the Lions.

Mick:  The Lions.  Of course.

Dippy:  Only a loser would pull for another team to go 0-16.  Take the Bears.  

Atlanta at Oakland (+3)

Beat the teams that are not as good as you and play well against the teams that are better than you.  That is exactly how it has played out for Atlanta.  They have lost to three teams that are way better than they are.  The Falcons have beaten teams that are much worse than them.  The Raiders?  I think that they are in the category of teams that the Falcons should beat.  Take Atlanta.  Take that #47!!!

Dippy:  The Raiders are better than the Falcons.  No, just kidding.  The Florida Gators are.  At least we can say that the Gators are a ton better than the over-rated Bulldog team that have killed today.  I love it.  I love watching your team get slaughtered and burned.  The Falcons will make it perfect weekend for Georgia football by going to Oakland and watch DeAngelo Hall score a pick six off of Ryan.  Take the Raiders.  Is there a pool on the Crypt Keepers death?

Mick:  Raiders.