Your NFL Picks

I am on-call again.  I got called at 4:30 this morning by an ER doc who wanted to make a referral for Monday.  I love this job!  On one hand I was glad that I could go back to sleep.  On the other hand, there was no point in waking me up at that hour to start with.  That's the problem with night shift folks.  They believe since they are up that everyone else should get up too and join the fun.  I had a family member who would only work the night shift in the hospital.  He stated that on night shift the administration is not there to mess with you and you can definitely get away with stuff on shift that would get you fired during the day.  Like getting oral sex in a closet, smoking crack or gambling at craps.  OK, you have a good point there.  

I sent a letter to Bill Simmons concerning my idea to turn MLB into the English Premier League which has not been answered.  I suspect that it will not get answered as he probably got 100,000 letters just like mine saying the exact same thing.  I guess I'll have to take the case to court or something. I use my cat, Mick, as my attorney. He would be damn good. He knows exactly how to prepare briefs and motions. The only problem is that I don't think he passed the bar. I guess I might have to defend myself. I can't pay his fees anyways. But, I do have Dippy who definitely knows how to handle himself in a court room. He just will need to make sure that he does not wear his blood and semen stained pirate bear outfit.

Now for my pro picks.  According the wonderful folks at wagerline.com I am six games under .500 in my NFL picks for the year so far.  I am 49% against the spread and over/under picks combined.  That puts me over 9000 units in the hole and in the 6th percentile of everyone else.  So in two weeks I have earned back over 1000 units.  If Mick was making the picks I am sure that he would be on top of the leaderboard up about 15,000 units.  He is absolutely gifted at making picks.  Last night he picked the Nuggets to beat the Celtics and the Lakers to lose to Detroit.  He was right on both counts.  The likelihood that this was going to occur was around 32-1.  I've gotta go with his picks more often or take him to Vegas to count cards.

Denver at Atlanta (-6.5)

OK, Atlanta is a good team.  They have a good formula for victory.  They are now getting some national attention.  They have done much better than anyone expected.  Matt Ryan could be the second coming of...of...of...who knows.  Denver has been underachieving.  They have a good quarterback who has been cooling off.  I do not know who is running the ball for them and they have a terrible pass defense.   When I first saw this game on the schedule I penciled in a twenty plus point loss.  Not today.  Take Atlanta and the points.

Mick:  Atlanta

Oakland at Miami (-10)

This game is much more interesting than it seems.  Miami is actually a decent team.  Ricky Williams is doing well.  They run gimmick plays.  Chad Pennington is their quarterback, but they have pretty much stayed in every game win or lose.  They are favored by a good margin.  However, they're playing the Raiders.  The Raiders continue to prove that they are the biggest train wreck in all of football.  They are a bigger wreck than the Lions and Rams.  Only the dumpster grease fire that are the Bengals are worse.  But, still...it's real bad.  I heard that the Crypt Keeper tried to call Kenny Stabler in rehab in Alabama to run the run and shoot offense this week.  It's really that bad.  Trust me.  Take the Dolphins.

Mick:  Miami

St. Louis at San Francisco (-6.5)

In order to help the finances of San Francisco 49er fans that may go to this game, the team should give each of the fans their money back when they come to the gates.  Give them free beer, wine, cheese, seal meat, snail, or whatever it is they eat at that dreadful football stadium that is not a football stadium.  Mike Singletary has toned down a little bit after they blew the game against the Cardinals that gave them a false sense of competency.  I have not heard if he has exposed any more body parts to his players in the locker room.  He has not been arrested in Golden Gate Park for lewd activities.  This may be his only real chance to get his first win.  His team better give it to him or else.  The Rams are truly bad.  And so are the 49ers.  Take the 49ers for Mike Singletary's sake.

Mick:  St. Louis

Dallas at Washington (+1)

Dallas is completely demoralized.  They are coached by a guy whose father is named "Bum".  This explains his coaching skills.  TO was on Letterman, which is a bad sign.  As an aside, does anyone believe that he actually put out a children's book?  That makes about as much as sense as me giving out advice on relationships. Tony Romo's pinkie is back, which could be a good sign.  The owner is guaranteeing that the Cowboys will go to the play-offs.  The problem on the other side is that it looks like Shaun Alexander may get some touches at running back for the Redskins, which is a horrible sign for them.  The Redskins best cross dressing player, CP, will not be in the game.  Take Dallas in a must-win game for their fragile psyche.

Mick:  Washington

Minnesota at Tampa Bay (-4)

Not sure what to say about this game.  It's an important game for both teams.  Minnesota is coached by a guy who looks like the janitor at any local middle school (see above pic).  He coaches just as well as one, too.  Tampa is at the top of their division and are clearly a solid team with no flash or major drama.  Not many arrests on that team.  A good sign.  As much as I want the Bucs to stumble I don't think that coach Middle School Janitor can make that happen with a quarterback who is best known for giving himself a concussion by slamming his head into the end zone padding--on purpose.  The Bucs should win fairly easily.  

Mick:  Tampa  

My Presidential Endorsement And Mick's Picks

Mick the Cat did better than me in making pro football picks last weekend so he is back to make more picks. He has gotten pretty cocky now and is walking through the house with mass amounts of bling stating he had gotten it all from his "winnings" in Vegas. And the damn cat has never been to Vegas. Insane.

Dippy is out of jail now on some sort of technicality. Apparently he got a ton of evidence thrown out of court as it was gotten illegally. Something about not having a search warrant or something. Chain of custody issues. Whatever. He wants to make some picks on pro football for this weekend, but is not sure he should make too many comments about his state of affairs or any state of affairs. Dippy has had more legal charges than anyone in a pirate bear costume should have. He is the only one who celebrates Halloween everyday...or maybe not.

Then we have the magic that is Mike Singletary. Days after the greatest head coach debut news presser ever in the history of organized sports we find out that 49ers head coach Singletary is basically insane. We find out that during half time of his very first NFL head coaching game he dropped his pants and mooned his own team. Why? To illustrate how the Seahawks were kicking their asses. How did the 49ers play after Singletary literally showed his ass? They played worse. On the list of things not to do as a football head coach at any level (except the CFL) is to show your ass literally to your own team. That ranks on the list around with setting yourself on fire, getting arrested for DUI's, killing your pregnant girlfriend, and selling porn. You just don't. Just don't do it. Take off your pants in your own house. Not in the locker room in front of your players. Not in your car. Not outside in a park. In your own home. At this rate of sanity decline, Singletary will not make it past this season which would be very unfortuneate because he is quite entertaining.

Let me just say that the Presidential election is over. Unless something crazy happens such as Obama being caught on tape with a crack pipe or running from reporters at a hotel where his mistress is hiding their love child then Obama will win the election. There will be some nervous moments until the polls in California close, but it's over. The result of this election really has as much to do with the state of affairs in the country than the candidates themselves. I am reminded of 1992 when Asterisk Sr. was running for re-election during an economic downturn and appeared totally out of touch and a dynamic, younger, image conscious Bill Clinton used the third party candidate and a wave of change talk to win the White House fairly easily.  Times are darker now.  The economy is in a deflation (which is worse than inflation by the way) and is on the verge of a deep depression (not a recession which we are already in, but a depression).  Our military is stretched thinner than Tom Brady's condoms fighting a war that it should have never fought while struggling to keep any gains from the war we should have fought.  At this point, Russia is in better shape than we are.  In 1992, a vote for Asterisk Sr. was a vote for more of the same failing policies that were in place under Reagan and his hand maiden.  Now, a vote for McCain is a vote for more of the last eight years of Captain Asterisk's mad cowboy vision of America that has led us down the rabbit hole into oblivion.  It is also a vote for lowest common denominator of arrogance and ignorance.  This is personified by the GOP Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin who is as appealing as Rosanne Barr singing the national anthem and just as ugly.  Palin represents everything that is wrong with the GOP.  She is trite, out of touch, out of ideas, blind, fraudulent, and boorish.  Though I am not a huge fan of Oprah Obama he does represent at least a different direction...a refreshing change.  He appears to be in touch with what is actually happening at the ground level.  He appears to have a vision.  He appears to have empathy for people.  He appears to be calm and thoughtful under fire.  He has a connection to people and strives for it.  His ideas and policies make more sense in this trying time.  He presents an energy towards going forward as opposed to going sideways.  He's brighter, more energetic, more intelligent, and more in touch with reality.  Sure, he is not that experienced.  I have to ask though.  Do we really need experience?  What has experience gotten us?  Don't we need someone who may have some level of objectivity?  As you can guess I am endorsing Oprah Obama.  This is without any reservations or hesitations.  His election will be a world changing event.  In a flat world, this would cause it to flip...just like Hammer's house.

Now your pro football picks:

Houston at Minnesota (-4.5)

Why am I picking this game?  Well, I have a soft spot for Minnesota.  The Vikings have not met expectations this year so far.  It is not too late for them, but when you have Gus as your quarterback I do not know how far you're going to go.  I honestly don't know anything about Houston.  Do they still have a team?  Does anyone watch their games?  Are they still the Oilers?

Take the Vikings.

Dippy:  My gerbil is smarter than any fox I know.  Matter of fact your cat is smarter than any fox I know.  Take Houston.

Mick:  Houston.

Pittsburgh at Washington (-1)

I really like what is happening in Washington.  I hope that it is sustainable.  Has Campbell thrown an interception yet?  They escaped being beaten by a no-loss team in Detroit.  Not sure exactly what your are going to get from this team.  Their games against Cleveland and Detroit were not real convincing.  However, they are 6-2.  A win is a win.  Pittsburgh presents a big test for this team.  It's a test that I don't think they will pass.  Take the Steelers.

Dippy:  Did you notice that as we are writing this stupid entry that your Bulldogs are being killed.  I mean prison raped by Florida right now.  Georgia is the most over-rated team that I ever seen.  They are more over-rated than Spam.  More over-rated than Madonna.  More over-rated than any movie that Richard Gere has been in since 1992.  Take Washington.

Mick:  Washington.

Dallas at NY Giants (-9.5)

The Cowboys are like the Raiders except with more talent.  More talent means that you should win more games.  More talent with a coach who is a marshmallow means unmet expectations.  TO will be doing sit-ups in his drive way by December 1st and this will be his last season in Dallas.  He'll be playing for Atlanta next year.  The point spread for this game is too high.  I think that Dallas will keep it close and eventually lose.  I know how good the Giants are, but they are also over-rated.

Dippy:  Fox, did you ever consider visiting me in jail?  You didn't.  You did not show up.  You were too busy.  You were too busy chasing women and money around.  Too busy making stupid bets on-line.  How much are you down by now?  The Giants are great.  Eli Manning is playing better than his brother.   Coach Tom's head hasn't melted off yet.  Take the Giants.

Mick:  Giants.

Detroit at Chicago (-12.5)

I am pulling for Detroit.  Not to win.  No.  Not at all.  I want them to complete the perfect season.  I want them to lose all 16 games.  I think they can do it.  Sadly, I think they'll actually win their last game of the year against a team that has nothing to play for and will be playing JV high school players.  Nonetheless, I want the impossible dream to happen.  I was broken hearted when Miami somehow beat Baltimore for a win.  I hope to not be so disappointed this time around.  The point spread for this game is also too high.  Detroit has been playing people tough.  I don't think the Bears will cover.  Take the Lions.

Mick:  The Lions.  Of course.

Dippy:  Only a loser would pull for another team to go 0-16.  Take the Bears.  

Atlanta at Oakland (+3)

Beat the teams that are not as good as you and play well against the teams that are better than you.  That is exactly how it has played out for Atlanta.  They have lost to three teams that are way better than they are.  The Falcons have beaten teams that are much worse than them.  The Raiders?  I think that they are in the category of teams that the Falcons should beat.  Take Atlanta.  Take that #47!!!

Dippy:  The Raiders are better than the Falcons.  No, just kidding.  The Florida Gators are.  At least we can say that the Gators are a ton better than the over-rated Bulldog team that have killed today.  I love it.  I love watching your team get slaughtered and burned.  The Falcons will make it perfect weekend for Georgia football by going to Oakland and watch DeAngelo Hall score a pick six off of Ryan.  Take the Raiders.  Is there a pool on the Crypt Keepers death?

Mick:  Raiders.