It has been an awfully long month and ten or so days. I have been in the basement for the entire time waiting for Tom Brady to come out and do something stupid. That did not happen...yet. I was waiting for Matt Leinart to get caught on some fools Blackberry Storm video in another hot tub with seventeen year old SoCal co-eds with the wrong end of a beer bong shoved down his throat. That hasn't happened as far as I know. Instead his team the Arizona Cardinals inexplicably are in a conference championship game led by a the biggest Jesus freak in NFL history. Tom Brady, for his defense, is still trying to rehab from a knee surgery that his family vet completed some months ago after a feigned injury in the first game of the year. We will find out when he is trying to get into the Hall of Fame that he actually got injured in his S&M chamber.
We are now getting ready to actually put a new President in the White House. The end of one of the worst segments in American history might actually be over. I have been increasingly convinced that the last years was an absolute nightmare of epic proportions and I have little hope that anything will happen to break the spell...at least in the next two to three years. To watch one of the great companies of the last twenty five years, Circuit City, all of the sudden implode and thus causing 35,000 additional jobs to be lost. Whose counting...aren't we now up to three million or so lost jobs? Watching Circuit City blow up like Lindsey Lohan after a three day coke binge was sad. Watching the Farewell (and Good Riddance) President Asterisk tour wind down with impeccably staged and banal speeches was re-traumatizing. I did not need to see that. I was better off watching re-runs of the Cosby Show on some distant channel. I don't frankly know which is worse...watching President Asterisk state with absolutely no sense of guilt or shame or empathy or anything resembles humanity that he may or may not have made mistakes and that some people say that he made the wrong choices or watching his Vice President nod off during the thirteen minutes of his speech the other night in the White House. Was he nodding off when he shot someone on a hunting trip? In my wildest dreams I hope to see both of them wearing Snuggies getting on the helicopter out of town so they can meet the Mother Ship that will take them to the alien hot bed of Texas. Of course I could dream. Meanwhile President Oprah will now take the reigns of one of the biggest messes that any President has probably ever taken on. I wonder if it's too late to turn down the job offer. He's pissed enough already about having to maybe give up his Blackberry (He shouldn't. I wouldn't.) That might be a deal breaker right there. I can hear him saying the following: "It's OK that the economy is in the worst shape in seventy years and we are hated the world over and we have been locked into wars with no end and Jim Rice made it into the baseball Hall of Fame, but if I can't keep my Blackberry Curve then I am not taking the job. Take this job and shove it." He gets sworn in on Tuesday. It's not too late. If he doesn't get sworn in then what happens? Does the Sham-Wow guy get it? What about the person who thought that the Snuggie would make an excellent gift for...Halloween when you want to dress up for the next Star Trek convention or be beamed up.
So we are a few weeks from the Super Bowl. We have the Ravens and the Steelers in one game which will resemble a fifty car pile-up on a foggy interstate in California and the Cardinals and the Eagles that will resemble a carnival ride in Berlin. I am somewhat surprised that the Ravens are in the conference final after somehow taking advantage of one of the biggest choke jobs in history as the Titans found every way to blow the game with turn overs, penalties, and paying off the referees to ignore the play clock on a key third down play. I do not expect the Steelers to blow it as big as the Titans, but it is possible. There is precedence of the Steelers tanking a conference championship game that they should win. Maybe Big Ben's post motor cycle accident syndrome we hit him and he'll choke and throw like three picks while the Unibrow wearing Joe Flacco manages the game (circa Trent Dilfer) and Ed Reed runs a pick back for a TD. It could happen, but I sort of doubt it. The Cardinals are an interesting story. They get destroyed late in the season by the Eagles and in the snow to the Evil Empire. Everyone (except me) picked the Falcons to beat them. What do they do? They shock Carolina (which was over-rated anyways) in Charlotte and end up hosting the Eagles. Kurt Warner is on his way to his own Snuggie ad when his career is over. I see it happening. What I am hoping for is that he gets beamed up to purgatory during the game allowing for a hung over Matt Leinart to enter the game. That would be classic. However, I won't be watching because I am preparing for the alien invasion.
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