Another Vapid Running Diary

I have decided that since I am coming down with the bubonic plague and that there is some sort of ice event coming that I would watch TV and feel worse than I already feel. I figure I should go ahead and write a running diary of the events on TV (thanks to the magic of digital cable and the little mouse that is running our power generator in the basement/dungeon). Here is what I saw:

7:57 p.m.: Just saw an ad for the movie American Gangster now out on DVD. I am convinced that I really like it when Denzel Washington plays a bad guy as opposed to a good guy. I mean when he played the jaded cop on Training Day I was so enthralled by the character that I wanted to go L.A. myself and become a rogue cop who gets blown away by gangsters paid off by the Russians. I gotta see Gangster. I am sure I will want to become a big time heroin dealer and smack hookers around in New York after watching it. Who says that movies are influential?

8:02 p.m.: I have mentioned before that I think The First 48 is one of the best shows on TV. I am watching an older episode where a seventy something year old retired landscaper got whacked in his apartment in Memphis. I wonder why they picked Memphis anyways? Does that city have high murder rate? More juicy murders? Maybe this show should go to someplace like Lexington, Virginia or better yet Bath County, Virginia (pop. 4,500). I am sure there would be plenty of things to investigate in those places..like all the murders that happen in Hot Springs that never get recorded.

8:05 p.m.: The detectives are interviewing a potential suspect who obvious is high on crack. Special. That's how I want my murder collar to go down. I'd be all high on NyQuil and HGH and telling the officers where I hid the gun.

8:18 p.m.: Major blow-out with twelve year old daughter who believes that she should have the same privileges as a fifteen year old. I need help. I am standing my ground because doing anything else would be stupid and irresponsible. I would be asking for her to be arrested or pregnant at thirteen or both.

8:21 p.m.: Police detectives talking again with the cracked out witness. I just realized that she looks like Oprah if she got all coked up and landed in a death trap apartment complex in Memphis. The cops push her hard and then put her in jail for the murder. The next morning they get her from the jail and feed her and push her some more. She still looks like a coked out Oprah in a jail uniform.

8:25 p.m.: Coked out Oprah fingers the real murder suspect out of a picture of six other thugs. I knew that Oprah couldn't have committed no murder. She is just too nice and everything. I mean there is no way she'd actually do a murder. Now hiring several thugs and paying them off with Omni Hotel food vouchers would not entirely be out of the question.

8:33 p.m.: I was thinking that I had heard on the news this evening that John McCain may be in some hot water over a relationship with a influential lobbyist. The relationship between him and this lobbyist was rumored to be romantic in some way. Now, does anyone imagine him in any love tryst with anyone? I can't. Unless he was chemically enhanced in some way. This relationship may at the very least had been unethical in some way. Like I said before, no one who has been in Congress for as long as he has is honest. None of them. I repeat. None of them. By osmosis, Congressmen get caught up with the "dark side" of Washington politics and eventually they get turned. When this happens they have to feed off lobbyists like blood and as a result they'll give up everything to remain in office. This is why I would want a Congressperson to run my favorite NFL team's front office. They would get so crazy that they would pay out large sums of money to high ticket free agents and hide it from being counting against the cap. They'd let players run amok in Vegas and bail them out when they got arrested. They would let them take all the HGH they wanted. He would have hookers and Brian McNamee in the locker room after games. It would be great.

8:47 p.m.: Just talked to the wife about said 12 year old child going on 36. She promised reinforcements and cold medicines. Yay!!!

8:48 p.m.: The suspect in Memphis is named "Little Homey." I need a new name. Can someone give me some recommendations? Maybe I should try out "Big Moody" or "Little Sanity Left" or "Large Debt Boy."
I don't know. I am open for suggestions. Looks like "Little Homey" is going to confess. However, he started his statement by saying: "I am telling you the truth." Ooops.

8:53 p.m.: I switched to the Norte Dame-Pittsburgh basketball game. ND is leading by eight with less than a minute left in the game. Then it hits me. I don't care. Next!

8:54 p.m.: The NFL Network is showing a re-play of the Super Bowl--last year. You remember that one right? Right? Remember it was Peyton Manning in his first Bowl. They were playing against...who was it...who was it now?? Good thing we have these re-play shows so we can remember who lost the Bowl last year. Of course, the Evil Empire became the most famous losers of a Super Bowl in history by being outplayed and outlasted by the Giants. I have never been a fan of the Giants. In fact, for years I also rooted against them. I rooted against them in Green Bay in the NFC Championship because I wanted a Favre vs. Zoolander match-up. But, I was a fan of the Giants for one night and one night only. For those of you struggling to remember who lost last year's Bowl--it was the Bears.

9:01 p.m.: One thing about last year's Super Bowl was that it was the only Bowl that I am aware of that played significant parts of the game in a driving rainstorm. That's why you have to love Miami in February (or March, or May, or September). You could have a fun little rain storm anytime!!! It may last two minutes or two hours. I really think one year they should play the Bowl in Montana or, better yet, India. I bet the weather would not be a factor in those games. I'll suggest the idea to the league. How about Bombay in 2011?

9:18 p.m.: I am now sweating to death after taking 400 Advil. I can take Advil with high blood pressure apparently. I looked all over the house for cold and flu medication and found that all of them have warning labels that say that with a low sodium diet and high blood pressure I can't take it. To put it simply I can't take any decongestant that comes in pill form. If I do I might have some sort of cardiac incident and my wife would not have anyone to yell at anymore. What can I take? Every high schoolers dream cold medicine: Coricidin!!! Yay, Coricidin!!! I wonder if I should take this medicine with a Jack chaser or two? Would it be like doing an 8-ball?

9:45 p.m.: Police detectives in Miami on the First 48 are looking for a suspect named "Fluke." Does "Fluke" have a brother named "Flake"? I wonder these silly things when I am high on Advil. I am still looking for names to use on the street. I am going to need one if I am going to get any street cred in Bath County, Virginia (pop. 4,500). I am still open for suggestions from anyone out there in the ether.

9:56 p.m.: Speaking of ether. Did you all catch that big three team trade between Seattle, Cleveland, and Chicago in the NBA right at the trade deadline? Everyone has been screaming for years to get King James some help in Cleveland to actually give them a legitimate chance to win the title as opposed to getting swept by whoever the Western Conference champion is. This year is no exception. The top Western teams all improved themselves. The Lakers got Gasol. The Suns got Shaq. The Mavs got Kidd. The Spurs got Thomas. Cleveland had to do something to give them a chance. So they went out and got Ben Wallace (who has never been the same since leaving Detroit), Wally Szczerbiak (who has not been the same since leaving Minnesota and has not played more than 50 games a season since 04-05), Joe Smith (who has not been the same since leaving Golden State ten years ago), and Delonte West (who has not been the same since leaving St. Joe's three years ago). Given what they received it looks on the surface that they got the best end of the deal. Cleveland was ready to be rid of Larry Hughes. Chicago had buyers remorse over picking up a uninspired Wallace. Perfect. Cleveland is improved by making this move. If they can get some inspiration and chemistry together in the next few weeks then they have a chance against a sputtering Celtics squad for the East. However, an Eastern team beating the Western team in the Finals is as probable as Amy Winehouse putting down the pipe for a few days. Hmmmm....it's about time to meet up with Denzel in L.A. so I can become the true hoodlum that he plays so well on the big screen. Trust me, if he puts a gun to my head to smoke some crack: I'm doing it.