There Will Be No Deal

Dippy the Pirate Bear and Phillip the Resistance Puppy have been respectively kidnapped and dog napped. Dippy was last seen somewhere in the Wyndham Virginia Beach hotel lobby cavorting with groupies and swingers. Phillip was captured moments later somewhere near Lynnhaven Mall trying to buy cigarettes.

All I got was the above note that appears to be some sort of ransom note. It implies, I am guessing, that I need to pick a sports city to formally align myself. Well, I have to say to everyone that I do not negotiate with kidnappers or dog nappers only other degenerate gamblers and on-line poker players...and maybe most attractive women. So there will be no deals. There will be no strange meetings on a bridge where I get killed by a sniper over dog biscuits. It won't happen.

I have been torn between two cities, neither of which are great in terms of sports, Washington, D.C. and Atlanta. I have given my reasons for choosing either city throughout the last several months. Many of you have commented about how to decide one's allegiance to a sports city and it's teams. Atlanta is where I was living when I started being interested in sports and Washington, DC is more like my current "home" city. Though some of you may have figured that I have flirted with Boston, but that probably has more to do with being a bandwagon jumper than anything else (though I live there for three years before moving to Atlanta). I used to live in Charlotte, Dallas, Jacksonville, western Pennsylvania amongst other places. My sports fan "mentor", Bill Simmons, does not have an answer for the dilemma of someone who has moved to various different places throughout their life (and believe me I have written to him several times since he seems to have these RULES for being a sports fan). However, most people have told me that there are no real rules for being a sports fan...that you like who you like. On the other hand, most have stated that you should have a favorite and that you should not root for two teams in the same division or conference. So who the hell knows.

All I know is that I am not making any deals with kidnappers or dog nappers around choosing a side. I consider Washington sports teams to be the "home" teams and I have had an unwritten rule that you should root for the home team in every professional sport that the particular city owns. If there is a sport that your city does not have then you can go "free agent" and pick another team somewhere else. So when I lived in Charlotte I pulled for that city's teams and the regional teams (such as the Hurricanes, for example). When I lived in Jacksonville there were no major sports teams (they had only the Suns which were and still are a Double A minor league baseball team) so I remained with the last city--Atlanta. After Jacksonville, I ended up in suburban Washington, DC and I secretly rooted for the Redskins, Bullets (now the Wizards), Capitals, Maryland, and the Baltimore Orioles (no baseball in DC in 1981 through 2004). I secretly rooted for the home teams because I feared that I would labeled as a "dork" by the neighborhood kids for pulling for the home team. The story goes on and on. For the exception of my self-imposed exile in Charlotte I have lived in Virginia for over half my life. So go figure.

Atlanta is like a first love. You never forget her/him regardless of how horrible, good, silly, insane, psychotic, or stupid the relationship was. It will still hold a special place. So, Atlanta has stuck with me. I have not been able to fully let go. Just like Iran and nukes or Lindsey Lohan and Xanax.

It is not like I hate the other teams from other cities that I have lived in. I still have a passing interest in Charlotte and Jacksonville and Boston etc. It is just that Atlanta is the first love that you never forget and always will have a special place and Washington is the "home" city. Go figure. Hence, the struggle to "decide" on a "favorite."

So this is my message to the dog nappers and kidnappers:

Do what you want. Feed them both ten day old tacos and stale grape juice. Give them electro shock to their "packages." Make them watch the new X-Files movie a hundred times. Don't allow Dippy near a razor. Don't let Phillip "resist." It will not matter. I will not make a deal. I will not bargain with their lives. I will decide when I choose to decide. I will not let you or anyone else dictate when I make up my mind. It will all happen on my terms. Not yours. No matter how many spiked jalapenos you send me.

Movie Review: X-Files: I Want To Believe

The long awaited X-Files second movie came out this past weekend, X-Files: I Want To Believe, and it was released at least eight years too late.  The television series that it was based on had long since gone through the sunset of shows that had "jumped the shark" as they say.  I was a fan of the series even after it had skidded completely off the road and exploded like a pirate bear in a microwave.  I watched the first movie, which was "o.k.", but at least it fit into the context of the TV series mantra of mystery mixed with conspiracy.  This movie takes us to the present day so many years have passed for Scully (Gillian Anderson who now is forever typecast in this role) and Mulder (David Duchovney who now is forever typecast in this role) with no clear explanations on how they got there.  It's like watching a DVD starting at scene 12 of the movie and then trying to figure out what had happened in the previous eleven chapters.   The movie's attempts at clarifying how we got here were feeble at best for those who are aware of the TV series and totally obscure for those who are not.  So in this sense, the movie was doomed from the start in a no-win situation:  take a lot of time getting us up to speed or doing nothing and hoping that everyone will figure out the gaps on their own.  Either way it was not going to work in a movie that is set in the present and trying to fill in six to eight years of history.  

The plot actually it did not appear to be the true plot.  The "case" the former FBI agents work on is an old urban myth tale with no originality whatsoever.  It seemed that the "case" was not supposed to be the main plot.  The main plot appeared to be the relationship between Mulder and Scully and each character's struggle with who they are and who they have been.  However, each "plot" was done half-way and with very mixed results.  This, in the end, was a movie that did not know where it was going or how it got to where it was.  

The acting was average.  There were no stellar moments.  Nothing stood out in the positive.  It was not awful either.

The plot had more gaps than President Asterisk's ability to make rational decisions.  There were two plots that were each given short shrift (like our war on terror) and with no positive results except pissing everyone who gives a rip off (just like our war on terror).  There was little originality.  No true link to the mantra of the series past.  Just gaps and confusion which resulted in more questions than answers.  At least when the series was in it's zenith you had at least some answers.  Here in this movie, there are way too many questions and at this point, at the end of luckily a short film (102 minutes running time), I just did not care anymore.  

In terms of camera work and directing, there were no stellar moments either.  Nothing stuck out good or bad.

My grades:

Acting:   C

Plot:       D

Directing:   C

Final GPA:  1.67  (Academic probation)

I Don't Want To Cheat Anymore...On Atlanta

I'll be brief.

Maybe.

I have had only one mojito as I am writing this and I am well on my way to many more after today's fun festivities.

The Disabled List Hall of Famer Mike Hampton pitched his first major league game for the Atlanta Braves in three years this afternoon in Philadelphia. The fact that he was able to actually go out on the mound in a major league stadium wearing a real major league uniform (as opposed to an iron lung or a pirate bear outfit) was amazing enough. For someone who had not thrown a big league game in three years he pitched rather well. As expected, he ran out of gas in the fifth inning assuring that he would not be able to win the game and I suspect the idea was to at least get him out of there before he could lose it. Hampton pitched four innings giving up eight hits and six earned runs (the last three were in the fifth inning where the bullpen could not hold the base runners they inherited). The thing is that when Hampton left the Braves were up 9-3 after posting a season-high nine runs in the top of the fourth off of Phillies ace Cole Hamels. By the end of the home end of the fifth inning the Phillies were up 10-9. The Braves in the very next inning gave up their season high in runs. Of course, as it has been the entire season the score in a road game against a division opponent remained the same. The Braves are now 6-23 in one run games this year. They have won a total of one game by one-run on the road this year. The Braves are, by far, the worst team in MLB in one-run games. The Mariners, for example, are a last place team, but their record in one run games is only nine games under .500. This has been the biggest statistic of the season for the Braves. This statistic has caused me, a life-long Braves fan, to completely want to drink 15 mojitos daily, run my car off a cliff, and run off with any other team that looks good, just like John Daly at a craps table or John McCain at a botox convention. Of course, my choice of teams did not fare any better (the Nationals have lost three straight games all in the late innings and by two runs or fewer...of course, we expect this from them as they are a minor league team and if I had my way they would be relegated to Triple A ball after the end of season). However, this mark of being seventeen games under .500 in one run games has been the biggest symptom of having an extremely young and inexperienced team (mainly in the pitching department that has seen the training table more often than Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus have seen cocaine lines on mirrors in sketchy hotel rooms). This team despite some veteran leadership has not learned how to win in the clutch. Over the years, we have come to expect that the Braves would pull out these close games by finding ways to win as opposed to finding ways to lose...except in the play-offs. So to see this team blow games they should win is a huge shock to the system. It has been so unnerving that I have considered dropping 25 years of fandom just to get away (just like Josh Childress!!!) from Atlanta. Learning how to lose can be as contagious as Bojangles chicken. Learning how to win is the biggest lesson and hopefully somehow this young pitching staff will find a way to pull it together and win a game they aren't supposed to win followed by winning a game they should win in the clutch. This type of losing reminds me of the young Braves squad in 1989 and 1990 where their pitching staff had not learned how to play and win in the big leagues. A year later, they learned and they went to the World Series. I pray something like this happens again. As I suspect that the Liberty Media empire is not going to be spending money anytime soon so this will require key targeted spending on young talent, which Atlanta has. Tampa and Milwaukee have learned to win without spending a ton of money this year so it can be done. However, regardless of money, young players need to learn how to win. It's happening in Tampa. It happened in Atlanta in 1991. It can happen again...and I hope soon because I don't like cheating anymore.

Try To Stop Me

I thought that this picture is the essence of Atlanta professional sports. This says it all. If you think about it pretty much every good player in his prime ended up leaving Atlanta eventually and doing better somewhere else. Josh Childress has not even reached his prime yet and he is already gone. I suspect that Josh will end up winning the Greek basketball MVP for the next five years straight (the trophy for this is something like a giant golden gyro or a golden copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding) and his afro will get at least three feet wider. I know that there are examples of Atlanta athletes that were above average that stayed (most of them for the Braves), but it just seems that the Atlanta sports teams as a whole, in general, do not keep their young talent once they become above average. They won't pay them or buy them hookers or a free pass to the Gold Club.

This is why I am cheating on Atlanta as a sports fan. I am so done with Atlanta. I have not lived there since 1981 and the current owners have treated their fans so badly that there is no way that they can be forgiven. This whole Childress thing just tops it off. I am sure that Josh Smith will end up in Germany somewhere...anywhere but Atlanta. The owners are doing the same thing with the Hawks as they did with the Thrashers. A year after their only play-off run the Thrashers became a joke again. Now the same will take place with the Hawks. The Falcons are owned by a porn king and the Braves are owned by a heartless profiteering corporation. It's so over. I have to move on now. Just try to stop me!!!!

I live in Virginia now. Hear me! Virginia. Spelled V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A. I have lived in Virginia for nineteen bloody years. Before that I lived in Maryland near DC for four and half years. So who are the home teams? The teams in Washington, DC, that's who! So I am cheating on you Atlanta sports. With the home teams even. I did the same thing with women in 1989, 1991, 1992, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2001. Just try to stop me. I know that I would be rooting for the worst team in baseball, a football team with a non-PC name, a hockey team whose star can't speak English, and basketball team lead by somebody named "Agent Zero." I know it might be the same as dating and scoring with a "7" you meet at the bar on the corner while the "9" waits 400 miles away. But, Atlanta sports, your not a "9", you never were. So I am running away....just try to stop me...and I don't want a stinking T-shirt either.

A Good Start

As I am preparing my first blog entry regarding the Washington Redskins (yes, Atlanta, I am seeing someone else now) as the "home team" I am mulling over in my mind a question on one of the Redskin fan blog sites asking whether or not the Redskins should keep their name. As someone who tries in this blog to not be politically correct I would answer this question with an adamant "No." The Redskins have the most politically incorrect name in all of professional sports. Actually, the LA Lakers come close (there are no lakes in LA, and the only "lake" there is actually is a tar pit). However, they have had that name since the start of the franchise. Why change now? What would change into? The Murderers? The Congressmen? The Bought Off? The Gun Ban Posse? The Monuments? The Presidents? The President's Hookers? I mean it could go on and on. All the other names are taken...the Capitals, the Nationals (they really should have brought back the Senators), the Wizards (this is so racist against wizards). So what would be the point? The world needs a lot less political correctness anyways. PC has kept people from speaking their minds and from their heart. Sure, people may not like what some other people may have to say, but we all have the RIGHT to say it. I respect people who speak their minds, mean exactly what they say, and give me the honest truth. Don't give me some sugar coated response that could mean a hundred different things. Just give it to me straight. If I don't like I'll tell you. So, in other words, the Redskins should stay the Redskins if that is what they want.

Jim Zorn is the new head coach of the Redskins.

Hmm...the former quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks (also a non-PC name). He spent most of his entire career being chased after by Raiders defensive linemen and having his brains splatted all over the Kingdome turf. This is the guy you want as a head coach? Well, at least Dan Snyder did not get some flashy big name who either had no clue what he was doing coaching pro ball (Spurrier, who left for South Carolina as an escape hatch) or the game had completely passed him by (Gibbs, and I know I'll get killed for this, but if you really had a brain you would agree). Dan (who is one of the worst owners I have seen in football) did not go after Tom Landry or tried to exhume George Allen. He did not get a top college coach, which I guess is good. College coaches who succeed in college can't do the same thing using the same methods in the pros (like sleeping). It shows also that maybe the big name is not what the Redskins need now. They need a coach and a fresh head coach at that. I am still unsure of this decision (due to Zorn's lack of head coaching experience and spending his entire career getting killed in Seattle, Green Bay and Tampa-sure to cause brain damage), but it is a fresh start.

So far, the reports that I have read from training camp (aside from key injuries to starters and potential new starters) is that Zorn is trying to put his stamp on the team from day one. He has been a bit of a drill sergeant, which professional athletes need (but don't want) continuously demanding continued repetitions and hustle. He has been demanding of his players and so far has not taken any grief from them. He has demanded attention, respect, and drive. One player that seems to have responded well to this is Clinton Portis. Yes, Clinton, the man with all the wigs, big sunglasses, and the desire to be the NFL's version of Dennis Rodman, has been working harder in this off season and this camp than in previous seasons. The team's best offensive player working hard is a great sign. He has signaled to his teammates that it's time to get to work. It's not time for warm and fuzzy time. It's time to be serious if things are going to get better.

I expect Zorn to have some definite mis-steps in his first head coaching season, but the early signs are quite positive. It will be much easier for him to loosen the reigns if he needs to be, then it would be to crack the whip later on. This is why taking a hard line approach is the best plan to establish oneself (as long as you don't go into overboard land like Barney or Dippy the Pirate Bear when he trained his dog to attack ants and parked cars). Hey, it eventually worked for Tom Coughlin.

Zorn is planning to install the West Coast offense for the Redskins. I question this move mainly because I wonder if the team has the right personnel for it. However, the players have been quite happy with it so far in comparison to Gibb's predictable 1983 offensive of strategy. Zorn has also installed a more aggressive pass defense strategy which also has players more involved in the action (corners will be playing closer to the line). So far, so good and maybe Zorn did not have too much brain damage from hitting his head on the Kingdome turf too many times...but there is a lot left to go and Howie Long still works for Fox Sunday.

I Came Back For This??

I come back from a hiatus full of expensive mojitos and magaritas to find out that one of the key players of the Atlanta Hawks, Josh Childress, owner of the best afro in the NBA, signed with the best team in...

Greece.

Yes, Greece. You know that country. The country that gave us the Greeks, frat parties, and names with way too many vowels. They also gave us the Olympics and have been regretting it ever since. Greece has a major basketball league. Did anyone really know that outside of Europe?

Afro Man did not end up signing with big name teams like the Lakers, Celtics, or the Spurs. No, it's the best professional basketball team in Greece. When I first heard the news I got ready to throw in the towel in regards to any allegiance to Atlanta sports. The Hawks lost one of their best players to a team in Greece. How much lower can they get? This would not have happened to the Celtics, Lakers, Spurs, or even the Wizards. No, the Hawks have now proven how inept they are. They lost their best afro to a team in Greece. It's like your girlfriend not just dumping you for someone else, but instead running away to New Mexico by themselves. However, on second glance at the deal I changed my tune (but only slightly) and realized that the deal was an absolute no brainer for Josh and a huge warning shot for every NBA team. This does not, by the way, change my mind that the Hawks are the worst franchise in the NBA...well except for the Knicks.

The Hawks offered The Big Afro a package deal worth in the neighborhood of $17 million dollars. The Greek squad offered the same number of years, but placed $20 million on the table. Childress, a restricted free agent, would have had to wait on the Hawks to equal the deal if he had been offered a package from any other NBA team. The Hawks would have had a chance to match or beat any other offer made by any other NBA team, which knowing the Hawks they would have never ever done. That was not the case if an offer from a team outside of the NBA.

The key to the whole deal is what Josh will be getting out of the deal. Let me explain and it's a lot more than the $3 million difference between the two offers. Here in the NBA if you got a $17 million deal, how much of that money would you be able to put away (after taxes, agents, homes etc.)? Maybe $11 million? $10 million? Less? In Greece, how much of that $20 million would you be able to put away? The same?

No.

That $20 million that Josh is going to get is actually $20 million. Why? Because that $20 million is post taxes. The Greek team will be paying the taxes up front. They will also be paying the 10% for the agent. They will also be paying Josh's bill for housing. They will also be paying for his transportation and food. In other words, he's getting a free ride and will be paid and get exactly $20 million to do it. Compare that to his situation here where his salary would have been $17 million prior to taxes, agents, food, car, and housing which Josh would have paid for on his own in Atlanta.

What would you do? Take the money and run to Greece and learn how to eat a gyro without half of it landing on your pants.

Even if the offer was the same amount of money one would be a fool not to take the Greek deal. In the end, you keep all the money in the Greek deal, which doubles the take home and put in the bank take.

I don't blame Josh for taking the deal. I would have taken the deal. It's a no brainer. I blame the Hawks a little bit for not even trying to match the deal. They were content to let him walk. However, this exodus poses a major threat to all the other teams who are trying to avoid paying superstar money to key role players. The European teams are offering far better deals. Role players in the NBA can become European superstars (that whole big fish in smaller pond scenario). This will make it 100 times harder for any NBA team to re sign role players that could get wooed away to Greece, Italy, Russia, and France. Sadly, the teams that are in the mid and low level markets are going to be hurt first. Teams like Charlotte, Atlanta, New Orleans, Seat....eh...Oklahoma City will be hurt long before high profile teams that free agents want to play for (Lakers, Celtics, Spurs etc.) These teams in Europe have the resources and are playing on an uneven field with the NBA. If you think that I am kidding that this signing poses a threat let me give you this nugget. Russian womens teams are paying six and seven figures (roughly ten times more than the WNBA) to play in the dead of winter in Russia and the top women in this country are playing there every winter. If the WNBA played in the winter there would be no WNBA (which for some would be a sigh of relief). The warning shot has been made.

Taking A Break And Having A Real Meal...Just Like This Guy

As the political landscape of the country is turning into a bizarre Wizard of Oz motif, Dippy's 401K is headed into the toilet, and we are at the All-Star Break in baseball, I am taking a hiatus. I know that it is undeserved, but so was Paul Newman's Oscar. I am taking a break anyways. Call it a separation to clear my thoughts of work and family disturbances. Cloud my brain with good beer, good real meals and better times away from home (I know some of you are asking how this will be any different than when I am on a work related trip...just stop). I will become in the next few days what I hate the most...a tourist. I don't care, it's been awhile. It'll be fun. I think. I get to ride on a subway and dodge bullets. However, I hope to come back with my mind as fertile as Angelina Jolie's uterus.

I need to get away from work. I need to get away from dealing with the mustard gas fire that is Atlanta professional sports....

An aside here. I am truly wondering if I should divorce Atlanta professional sports. It should be (and is, according to Sensai Bill Simmons)allowed that if the owners of your teams professional franchises egregiously damage the team and the fan's psyche with crazy plans and even more ridiculous moves then you can divorce them and go somewhere else.

Case in point, The Hawks Josh Smith is being courted by a number of teams who are in need of his services. He is one of the most coveted free agents right now. He has been linked to a number of teams. The LA Clippers is one of them. Smith has been a key component of the Hawks pseudo resurgence. I'll admit that he has been a bit of an underachiever, however, he grew up a little bit in the play-offs. He is key to the team's future success. The Hawks need him more than most other teams. If the Hawks lose him to any other team (especially to the only inferior franchise in the NBA, the Clippers), then this will mean that the ownership "group" does not care about building for success. It will show that they are more concerned about the bottom line than winning. This group did the same thing to the Thrashers after their first ever play-off appearance last year. So I would not be surprised. Just like I was not surprised that Heath Ledger ended up dead in his New York City suite. I expected that to happen. Just like I expect the ownership group (nobody really knows who owns the Hawks or the Thrashers) to scuttle the team right after a play-off run.

The porn king that is Arthur Blank has totally destroyed the Falcons from now and into eternity. Matt Ryan? No offensive or defensive line? Signing Vick to a $100 million contract that is still being counted against the cap? Please. This is worse than Hannah Montana doing a porn video with the Olsen twins, which is probably Blank's (wet) dream. Well, I guess it would be worse from her father's perspective.

The ownership company that owns the Braves has hand-cuffed the GM from doing anything productive. They need to make a choice about the near and far future. They are leaning towards buying or doing nothing. The two worst moves the team can make. When your team ends up being run by a corporation (aside from the Yankees and the Angels), then your team is doomed to live in the bottom line world where mediocrity is OK as long as we make a profit.

So I am frustrated. The owners do not care about winning. They care even less about the fans. It is not a recent issue either. For the exception of the Braves in the 90's, the owners of all of the sports teams have done their level best to screw up everything. I am tired of dealing with it and living in the 3-13 world of the Falcons or the 24-58 world of the Hawks. So I am thinking of calling my attorney and drawing up the divorce papers just like A-Rod's wife (oh, she's already done it...OK).

That was a long aside. Getting back to the point. Once I clear my head with bad toothpaste, sketchy Richmond, Virginia food, and really damn good beer then I'll make a better decision about Atlanta sports, the market, gas prices, Iran, and whether or not to post Dippy's bail for teaching his puppy how to hide drugs in his mother's house.

Hide The Trigger

The Iranian military launched an elaborate test of long range missiles today that was seen all over the world. An Iranian military talking head (whose name is similar to a lunch meet) stated that "our finger is always on the trigger....we have hundreds even thousands of missiles ready to be fired against predetermined targets." Good times. One of the missiles that was tested can carry a one megaton warhead. The missiles that were tested have a range of over 1,200 miles, which is enough to reach most Middle Eastern US targets and the entire state of Israel. Good times. The Iranians stated that they launched this test in response to Israeli military exercises that resembled test runs on an air strike of Iranian nuclear facilities as well as the US Navy's "secret" test of shooting down Iranian missiles. Good times.

I suspect that the Iranians do not know who exactly they are dealing with. Don't they know that President Asterisk is looking for any reason to launch a military strike on them? President Asterisk has illegally invaded and occupied sovereign countries for far less than shooting long range missiles. I mean he did all this because the country's pot bellied leader wanted to kill his dad. That was back in 1991 when everybody wanted to kill his dad and President Asterisk was still snorting coke off of hookers breasts in a stripper bar somewhere in East Texas. So to run tests of long range missiles that can carry nukes 1,200 or so miles away is similar to knocking off half the family. Then to say things like: "Our finger is always on the trigger" only makes things more fun. Don't they know that President Asterisk also always his finger on the trigger also? He's had the itch for pushing the button as bad as he has the urge to drink mojitos in the Oval Office (of course I suspect that it's much more than just an urge).

The leaders of both Iran and the US have the collective mentality of a nine year old spoiled child with alcoholic parents. They are both a complete mess. They are both egocentric, irrational, lack judgment, lack insight, have poor anger controls, impulsive, and hopelessly intellectually challenged. They listen to no one in their inner circle. They do not tolerate anyone who tells them "no" or tells them to do something different than what they have planned. Their approval ratings in their home countries is lower than 35% (though I suspect the Iranian approval rating is completely anecdotal because anyone saying anything negative about the government is probably shot on sight). They are practically brothers. Brothers in arms.

So as Iran rattles sabres and tells everyone that "their finger is always on the trigger" and the US runs non-secret secret test runs of missile defense tactics we in the rational world are left wondering if these two "world leaders" have had a nap recently or somehow got into dad's stash of porn and seven year old beer. The world is a far less safer place to live with these two snipping at each others toes. There is a reason why we do not let nine year old boys drive cars, drink booze, vote, go to strip clubs, and go to war. That's because when you let nine year olds run nuclear states they don't know how to conduct themselves. They become dangerous, concrete, and myopic. This is a nasty combination. I am hoping that cooler heads within the governments of Iran and the US will keep their prospective leaders distracted with pretty objects, girls in bikinis, dancing pirate bears, or tear gas (it's so easy to distract nine year old boys) so that somebody trusted can hide the trigger long enough for someone else to be in charge. At least in the US that will be in another six months...

...unless John McCain is in charge, which will be like having a temperamental egocentric fourteen year old with a fetish for botox and sleeping pills running a nuclear state.

Good times.

Sell The BMW And Fire The Trainer

As I am flirting with the collective sports teams in Atlanta filing for divorce from me as a fan like A-Rod's wife (Hmm...Madonna or A-Rod's wife?) I submit another post focusing on Atlanta sports. I am also wondering who else out there may be planning to divorce me in the next few weeks. However, I am not worried I have a back-up plan to follow Rafael Nadal's groupie entourage around the globe for the next three years.

Today, the Braves announced that Jeff Francoeur was being brought back to Atlanta after spending the Fourth of July weekend in Mississippi, which is a version of hell that I would not ever want to endure. I spent a Fourth of July weekend in Panama City, Florida once and it was going through the eleventh ring of hell. Trust me. It was bad. Try standing around for three hours in 156% humidity waiting for fireworks with 2,000 beer slugging people straight out of Dawn of the Dead. The Braves also announced that they were putting three more players on the DL. So it's time to make a choice. It is July 8th. The Braves are 42-47. They are in fourth place in the division. They are 6 games out of the division lead and 7 1/2 games back in the wild card race. The trade deadline is looming. It's time for Frank Wren to make his first big decision of his GM career in Atlanta. Buy or Sell. Buy to try to make a run at the play-offs or sell assets and build for the future.

Let's read off the list of Braves players now on the DL:

Manny Acosta RP
Jeff Bennett RP
Tom Glavine SP
Mike Hampton SP
Anthony Lerew RP
Peter Moylan RP
John Smoltz SP/RP?
Rafael Soriano SP
Omar Infante IF
Matt Diaz OF

The players on the bench make up approximately 47% of the Braves $102 million payroll. There have been between seven and ten players on the DL most of the season and at one time half the payroll was on the DL. Chipper Jones has not been healthy all year and should have been on the DL on a number of occasions so far. Yunel Escobar also has been fighting nagging injuries all year. When over 40% of your payroll has been on the DL all year it's time to fire the trainer. Not the manager or a bench coach. The trainer and probably the strength and conditioning coach. Something is amiss off the field that has translated to injuries off the field. I know that Mike Hampton should go into the DL Hall of Fame (first ballot) and Smoltz, Glavine, and Jones are nearing the end of the line, but all of these young relief pitchers? What's going on with their training and conditioning regimen? It's like they all have turned into Lyle Alzado in his last years. Or Brit Spears after a cocaine and mocha frappuccino binge for three weeks.

Mark Teixeria was a trade deadline player and should be one this year...leaving Atlanta. The choice between buying or selling should be clear. It's time to sell and re-build. The Braves are completely beat up and snake bit (5-21 in one run games this year and 0-1,000,000 in road one run games over the last half-century). There are numerous players on the DL and players who should be shut down for periods of time to just get rest for next year. It is unlikely that the cheap bastards who now own the team (Liberty who???) will re-sign Teixeria. So use the one big asset that many teams covet to steal a number of young prospects from Pawtucket or Iowa (Red Sox and Cub Triple A teams respectively). This will allow the Braves to stock pile young talent on their roster to test the waters in September, to re-build for the future, to shut down players that need the rest for next year, and to allow the current young players to continue to mature in the big boy league. To try to buy now for this year will mortgage the future for a run that will likely result in more injuries and eventual failure. There are too many teams to climb over and the Braves need many of the players on the DL to come back, no one else to join the hospital ward, and for drastic improvement in players who have underachieved so far this year (yes, you, Frenchy). So sell the BMW to get several VW bugs to soup up later. It's the best play for the future.

Of course, you still need to fire the trainer and strength coach or the young players that the Braves should get will also end up on the DL.

Tom Brady Isn't Me And Your Zito-Jones Update

It has been awhile since I posted an update on our favorite (or at least my favorite) overpaid baseball players. I have been flirting with another sports city and have been caught leaving their apartment late at night. Just like A-Rod!! It is true and not a rumor that I have been re-kindling an old old flame of sports cities: Boston. Yes, Boston. When I was three years old (I think) I moved to the Boston area and slowly became influenced by osmosis into the Boston sports melodrama of futility. This was 1974 when I moved there and then left somewhere in 1978 to Atlanta. I became familiar with the Celtics (in a major downturn in fortunes soon to be changed by Larry Bird and his mullet), the Bruins (everybody played street and ice hockey, including me, and dreamed of being Bobby Orr), the Red Sox (winner of the prize of pulling defeat out of victory over and over...just like Atlanta!!), and the Patriots (only slightly better than the Falcons of today). Except now, the owners of the Boston sports franchises actually are trying to win. The owners of the Atlanta sports teams have done their best to live in a world where it is OK to be no better than .500, run the team into the ground, fight amongst themselves in court, and treat fans like me for granted. The fact that I lived in Boston for a significant part of childhood, the fact that the owners care about winning, and the most recent success of the Boston sports teams have made this sports city the solid "10" in the bar full of "6's." I have to admit and I know that you all will call me a bandwagon jumper that I have pulled for the Boston teams all my life. In 1986, I owned a busted Red Sox cap trying to will the Red Sox to win Game 6 only to see what my sports life would turn into when Buckner lost a little rolling white ball in a field of green and brown. I was actually pulling for the Celtics during their run of titles in the early 80's. I loved the Boston Garden. I pulled for the Bruins during their bitter series against the Canadians every play-off year. I even (as tears roll down my face in shame) wanted the Patriots and (OMG) Tom Brady to win their first Super Bowl against the Rams. When the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 I could barely watch fearing that some sort of crazy event would occur that would cause them to lose yet again. When they finally won I was relieved. I have discovered that my disdain for Boston sports came out of a primitive defense mechanism that is used by grade school boys who will push girls they actually like into a mud puddle as a way to cope with the fact that they like the girl. For me, it was awe and envy. I hated Tom Brady because he wasn't me. I hated him because I was not him. I didn't have a hot model girlfriend who goes by one name to sleep with (I did back around let's say, 1991...and I have been chasing the hot young model ever since...see 1997, 1999, 2001, and 2007). Tom Brady is the coolest guy in the room. He is what everyone would want to be and 99.9999% of us will never ever get there. So no wonder there is a love-hate thing going. I have always disliked franchises that I had the most respect for (see the 49ers in the 80's and 90's). I still don't like Coach Hoodie. Why? Because he is a cheat and he has the personality of a snapping turtle. However, I have been lured by the distant past of my childhood where futility was woven into the fabric of both my personal and sporting life. At the time, I just didn't know it. By the way, the first baseball card I ever owned? Carl Yastrzemski.

Of course, if I even start actively pulling for any team in Boston they'll start losing...just like in Atlanta. Forgive me.

Now your stinking update:

ANDRUW JONES:

Andruw went on the DL for quite awhile due to a bum knee (and also a bum swing, but that was not mentioned in the official record). He came back over the weekend in San Francisco an went 1 for 10 with 1 RBI and 5 strike outs. Back to where he left off!!!

AVG.: .161 HR: 2 RBI: 8 OBP: .262 SLG: .259

How often is one's slugging percentage lower than their OBP?

BARRY ZITO (ZITI):

Barry has actually won two out of his last three games and his drive towards 30 losses seems to have lost steam. However, there is always 20 losses. His best game of the year was yesterday at home against the Dodgers (who are simply awful offensively). Nonetheless, he pitched seven strong innings giving up two earned runs and striking out 10. I watched parts of this game and I noticed for the first time that his mechanics and mental game were both sharper. He may turn this dumpster fire of a season around after all. I hope so because the ace of the Giants is a 24 year old kid who looks like he is 14, wears a wool hat in 90 degree weather, weighs about 174 pounds, and throws a 98 MPH fastball with a lot of movement.

W-L: 4-12 ERA: 5.73 SO: 60 WHIP: 1.78

Tell Me How My Ass Tastes!!!!

I have got so many possible subjects that I am going to bounce all over the place so buckle your seat belts.

**Apparently there was a rescue of 15 hostages out of Columbia (the country, not the cesspool of a city in South Carolina) completed by Columbian intelligence officers. The hostage takers apparently thought it was a great idea to rent a private helicopter company to haul the hostages from one place to another. When the helicopter arrived it was manned by intelligence officers posing as helicopter pilots. They picked up the hostages and simply flew away. Of course, the US intelligence agencies are trying to take credit for the operation that the Coumbians and only the Columbians could have pulled off. Typical for the President Asterisk reign of terror. On a sad note, FARC missed an opprotunity to get another hostage--John McCain, who also was in Columbia today.

**I have gotta say this: "Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes."

**Am I off base in thinking that Shaq's opening of his free-style rap on Kobe sounded really gay?
How does my ass taste? How does that conversation go? Is this something that is asked in a typical free-style rap? I must have missed something in the whole Kobe-Shaq marriage and divorce saga. Only in a marriage and divorce saga would there be any place for a "How does my ass taste?" blast. In fact, I did something similar to this during my last break-up saga. And I have had many.

**"Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes."

**The latest Dippy the Pirate Bear update is that he is in the hospital in Virginia Beach due to MRSA, exhaustion, cat nip overdose, malaria or shingles. I am not sure which one it is. Either way it is pretty bad. They have had to hide all the sharp objects out of his hospital room yesterday after he heard that Elton Brand was possibly going to leave the Clippers and end up at Golden State. I told him he was being overly dramatic as he should have been more upset by Baron Davis coming to the Clippers from Golden State. Dippy has been training his "Resistance Puppy" named Phillip how to sniff for drugs. I don't think this is for law enforcement purposes.

**I am watching the Rays-Red Sox game on ESPN and I am hoping for another brawl so I can watch Coco Crisp do his Matrix impression ducking from a wild punch by a Rays player who is swinging like a middle school girl in a lunch room fight. I also saw Dick Vitale in the stands being interviewed by Erin Andrews. My close friend stated that Vitale looks more like Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons. He's right on target. This series also comes off the heels of the latest "Manny being Manny" fiasco where he shoved the team travel secretary because he voiced not being able to get Manny 50000 tickets for the game in Houston. I am tired of hearing about Manny Ramirez just being "Manny." So that excuses all of this outrageous behavior? What if T.O. did this? What if it was Randy Moss? What if it was Tom Brady (I wish)? I have always gotten the impression that the whole "Manny being Manny" blast was actually a racially driven insult implying that Ramirez's actions and Hispanic dialect make him appear to be less intelligent. That is why I have no real tolerance for that statement being uttered everytime Manny Ramirez does something outrageous or inappropriate or just like every other spoiled professional athlete.

**I was watching the latest evening news, which these days should lead people to be placed on some sort of suicide precautions because of how horrible it is, and heard about the latest Chinese fiasco. I watched in horror as children, young girls, women, men with grocery carts were all trying to pull massive sticky green algae out of the sea. The very sea that is supposed to be hosting sailing events in the Olympics next month. News reports show this algae infestation now covers 1/3 of the sea that the competition is supposed to be held on. I found it humorous watching people try to scoop this stuff off the sea surface and cart it off in grocery carts. I watched as little children were trying to get it up using their bare hands. Something tells me that this is going to take awhile. This is just another reason why the Olympics should be boycotted. This ranks right up there with all the other good reasons: Tibet. Pollution. Human Rights violations. Nuclear proliferation. Imbalanced trading practices. Running over people with tanks. Driving up energy prices. Jackie Chan. Yao Ming. Now it's the green algae that people are referring to as "the blob" or "the fairway." It's not too late. We haven't gotten on the plane to China yet. It's time to call it off. Let's hold an alternate Olympics--in Columbia.

**The new mental health commitment laws have now been enacted in Virginia. One interesting (and expected) development is that the pre-admission screening forms that CSB pre-screeners are required to use when evaluating a patient is now eight pages long. Two days ago it was five. I can not wait to fill out one of those puppies at four in the morning. The commitment criteria for hospitalization has been loosened. This will likely cause more involuntary admissions when there are no more inpatient beds available to put people in. This will tie up emergency rooms with psychiatric patients in limbo for longer periods of time. I have to ask. If it was a medically comprimised patient as opposed to psychiatrically comprimised, would they be "in limbo" tying up ER's for hours and even days waiting for beds? The mandatory outpatient laws are set up to tie up the court system in such an convulted manner that eventually there will not be any orders for outaptient treatment anyways. Then there is the murky concept in the mandatory outpatient treatment laws about patients "voluntarily" seeking mandatory outpatient commitment. How does that work? How does this sponsor true recovery and patient choice? I don't know of many people choosing to be committed. Does anyone choose going to prison? The only people who choose to go to prison are those not wanting the death penalty. Not much of a "choice." I don't believe that anyone truly can choose to be forced into treatment. This is not recovery. This is punitive.

**Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes.

**The team formerly known as the Seattle SuperSonics will be leaving the former cofee and flannel capital of the world for Oklahoma City. The team's owners are willing to pay out $45 million and the team name and colors just to get out of Seattle. This has got to be the biggest middle finger to Seattle. The fact that a team's ownership group is willing to ditch the team's past, name, colors, and $45 million just to get out---NOW--is an ugly scene. I know that people in Seattle are disappointed. I went through this in Charlotte, North Carolina when George Shinn (who looks like a cross dressing child sex predator) held the city for ransom for a publicly funded arena and the left for New Orleans when he didn't get what he wanted (only for him to do the same thing to the city of New Orleans a year after Katrina). Trust me when I say this, Seattle. You are all better off. Believe me. You will get another team. They will be called the Sonics. They will be an expansion team for several years, but maybe you'll get an ownership group that cares about you and winning just as much as making money. Well....on that note, don't hold your breath. You're still better off even without a team then dealing with the crooks that are leaving in moving trucks only to be shunned by Oklahoma City in a few years when they get bored of losing to the Nuggets and Timberwolves all the time.

**Seattle. Tell me how my ass tastes. Seattle. Tell me how my ass tastes.

UGA VI Passes Away From A Broken Heart

Beloved UGA VI, mascot of the Georgia Bulldogs athletic program, passed away of heart failure on Friday night at his owner's Savannah home. UGA VI was most noticeably the mascot of the football team who had an air conditioned dog house at Sanford Stadium and first class Delta tickets to road games. He was nine years old. The Bulldogs won two SEC football titles and a football record of 87-27, the most of any previous UGA.

UGA VI has had a very interesting last nine months. Georgia's football program flirted with a BCS Title game bid and eventually landed in New Orleans in a BCS game where they destroyed Hawaii. The basketball team was seeded last in the men's SEC tournament in Atlanta and despite having to play the majority of their games on Georgia Tech's home court due to tornadoes damaging the Georgia Dome they won the tournament by winning four games in three days.

However, I am wondering if UGA VI passed not of heart failure, but of heart break. The Bulldogs baseball team was seeded #8 in the NCAA Baseball tournament and landed in Omaha for the College World Series. Through clutch hitting, stunning come backs, and shut down relief pitching they made it to the final championship series against Fresno State. Georgia went up 1-0 in a come back victory, then it all fell apart. In Game 2, Georgia was up 5-0 and wound up getting whacked 19-10. Then in Game 3, Fresno State pitching game up one run and five hits and won the championship in a stunning upset (Fresno was seeded fourth or last place in their own regional). The loss was deeply heart breaking as Georgia was playing the best baseball in the CWS and was up a game and 5-0. I wonder that this was just too much for poor UGA VI to take. A few days later, he was gone.

Soon a UGA VII will be revealed. UGA VI will have a service in a few days in Athens and be buried at Sanford Stadium along with all his predecessors. One hopes the UGA VII's run will be as fruitful. UGA VI, DGD!

Germany Needs A Prayer Answered To Win

I have not spoken up too much about the UEFA Euro 2008 tournament so I thought on the afternoon before the final match that I would throw my two cents in and put on my gambling degenerate hat and give some sort of analysis of the game. Like I know anything about international football. Dippy the Pirate Bear has been very busy training his Resistance Puppy as well as fighting off a MRSA outbreak. I have no clue what types of training with his puppy he is using, however, one hopes that this training will not involve federal indictments in the future unlike his other enterprises.

It is Germany and Spain in the final match. I have to say first that I am extremely pleased that Italy is not in the final and in fact got knocked out in the quarterfinal round in penalty kicks by Spain. This was a surprise as Spain had a string of several tournaments where they had been knocked out by the Italians--in penalty kick shootouts. The Italian team shows Americans every stereotype they have against football. The Italian players are constantly complaining about calls, flopping all over the field with fake injuries, taking cheap shots on opponents, and crying like twelve year old school girls after their text messaging gets taken away after they sent pictures of themselves flashing gang signs to the local Crips recruiting office. It is miserable to watch. I have no tolerance watching the Italians play when their players complain and cry constantly. I tried to watch them play against Spain and wanted to drink--excessively. I saw so many phantom calls that I thought I was watching Casper the Friendly Ghost. Luckily, Spain pulled it out in a dramatic penalty kick round.

This brings me to another point. Why is it in football that they conclude an important knock-out round match after two overtimes by penalty kicks? They should go to a sudden death goal round to end it all. Whoever scores a goal first (whether it is five minutes or five hours later) wins. It happens in American football and hockey in their play-offs. I would hate to be on a losing side due to penalty kicks when the other goalie got lucky and managed to guess right and dive in the direction of the ball.

Going into the match it is Spain that is the complete team. Spain has an effective offensive strategy that involves attacking from all angles and directions on the pitch. They have attacked from both flanks and the center consistently through-out. They have maintained a solid attack of two strikers throughout which has proven to be effective. They are second in the competition in scoring as well as shots taken. The potential loss of David Villa, the tournaments leading scorer, for the final may hurt, however, Spain remained even more effective in their match against Russia with just one striker. Spain has shot the ball on net more than the Germans and have the most balanced attack on offense between the two sided. The Germans were woeful in attacking on offense from the right flank and it is a glaring weak point. Klose and Ballack are veteran players that are the keys to the German squad staying composed and attacking in their typical surgical manner. The Germans shot the ball on net far less than the Spanish squad, however, their percentage of shots that got into the net (10 out of 23) was significantly higher than the Spanish. Overall, as previously stated the Spanish attack more often and in a more balanced manner than the Germans. The Spanish have the advantage on offense as they will give themselves more chances to score.

This brings us to another advantage for the Spanish squad. Spain is second in the tournament in goals allowed. Their defense and goal-keeping have been solid through the whole tournament. I have not seen any clear let downs (maybe against Sweden) on the defensive side by the Spanish despite the pressure put on them by Italy and Russia in the last two games. The same can not be said for the German squad. The Germans gave up two goals to Croatia, Turkey, and Portugal. All good teams, but the Germans suffered periods of uncharacteristic lapses in concentration on the defensive side that cost them dearly and forced the Germans to work harder than they needed to score goals. The Germans will not be able to get away with giving up easy goals to Spain in this match as the Spanish have given up 0.6 goals a game in the whole tournament.

Spain is more free-wheeling and exciting with a strong defense to boot. Germany is methodical, surgical, and experienced (three titles in five previous final matches) with some defensive lapses.

I will take Spain.

I Am A Sports (Love) Bigamist And Proud Of It

My writing "mentor", Bill Simmons of ESPN came out with 20 rules for sports fans back several years ago. He wrote at the time that one should not root for more than one team in one sport no matter what the circumstances. He also stated that one can not jump on bandwagon teams or wear NBA jerseys in public. He discussed at length pulling for home teams, but gave vague ideas on what to do if you moved three million times as a child. I have written Mr. Simmons, my "mentor", numerous times asking for additional clarification on these rules but I have never gotten a response. This is mainly because Mr. Simmons apparently answers e-mails that are humorously whimsical in nature. I, obviously, do not meet these qualifications.

So I have to say that I root for more than one team in one sport and I have no regrets. This breaks one of the major rules that Mr. Simmons seems to fret obsessively over. However, I have never stuck with one woman (and for the most part neither should anyone and the same is true for women with men) and I have never stuck with just one team. And like my history with women, I have no regrets. Ever.

In 1979, I was seven years old and lived in Atlanta, Georgia. My father took me to my first ever baseball game. The Braves played the Dodgers. Phil Niekro pitched for the Braves and I think Sandy Koufax pitched for the Dodgers (Just kidding. I don't know who pitched for the Dodgers that day). The Braves, as usual and expected during those colorful times, lost by one run. However, I was hooked. I was hooked on the Braves and eventually became hooked on Atlanta sports, period. This was despite living in Boston prior to living in Atlanta only a few years previously. It was not until living in Atlanta was I exposed to sports full scale. In 1980, Atlanta football had a magical run when the Georgia Bulldogs led by Herschel Walker (before he ended up with five or fifteen additional personalities) won the national championship and the Atlanta Falcons led by, pretty boy and booze hound before finding God, quarterback Steve Bartkowski won the NFC West title before losing in a gut spilling NFC Divisional Play-off game loss to the Cowboys. Though this loss was a harbinger of things to come in my Atlanta sports fan experience I was hooked on Atlanta sports. The Atlanta Hawks were the first NBA team I started to root for. It went on and on.

Had I stayed living in Atlanta I probably would have not stepped out on Atlanta's teams. However, it did not work out that way. It turns out that it has never worked out that way with the women in my life either. Go figure. I ended up moving to Jacksonville, Florida and then to the Washington, DC area in the following couple of years. I stayed living in the DC area for four years and then moved out to northwestern Virginia for a few years after that. During this time, I maintained my interest in Atlanta sports teams. However, during the 80's the Lakers and Celtics dominated professional basketball. I picked the Lakers. Mainly because of my interest in the city of Los Angeles. All I can say about LA is that it represents the best and worst in America all wrapped up into a sprawling world of plastic surgery, clogged highways, smog, and every other nationality in the world. To me, LA seemed far away and magical. I became interested in LA as a city and it's sports franchises. I became interested in the Lakers and the Dodgers (and those teams were also pretty good through the majority of the 80s). My best friend in DC created a electric tackle football league where he created a likeness of me who ended up winning three Super Bowl championships for...the Raiders...who happened to be in...LA. Except his version of me was the professional football version of Madonna, which I later figured out probably made me appear looking like a drag queen or Todd Marinovich. Anyways, I started pulling for the Raiders only after they destroyed the Redskins in the Super Bowl.

If anyone asked me what my favorite team was during my formative years I would have picked the teams in Atlanta. However, I also pulled for the teams in Los Angeles because I was obsessed with the city and also I was an electric football hero playing for the LA Raiders.

In 1992, I visited both Los Angeles and San Francisco for the first time. I fell in love with both cities and as a result I claimed the Bay Area's teams as rooting interests as well. The LA Raiders eventually moved back to Oakland so my interest in them...for better or worse...remained. I picked up pulling for the SF Giants (despite their bitter rivalry with the Dodgers) and not the Oakland A's so I did not break the rule of cheering for both a city's teams in the same sport. Somewhere in the mix, Wayne Gretsky ended up in Los Angeles and played for the Kings. In 1993, the Kings (coached by Barry Melrose who had, at the time, the best hockey mullet in the history of the NHL) went to the Stanley Cup Finals against the Montreal Canadians. I remember watching every Kings play-off game that season. I watched the stellar Game 7 versus Toronto where Gretsky pulled off a stunning victory. Then I watched Marty McSorley get called for having too much curve on his stick and the Canadians scoring a crucial power play goal and winning Game 2 and eventually stealing the Cup. The play-off run by the Kings mirrored my relationships with women very closely. A series or relationship should never be decided by anyone's curved stick. Ever.

My interest in LA and it's sports teams dates back to the 80's. In the 90's, San Francisco joined Atlanta and Los Angeles as my favorite American cities. Atlanta was my first love. Their teams will always be my favorites. Just as one's first love will always have a special place in one's heart. However, in real life there always is other women/men and it is the same with sports teams as well. We are not biologically wired to stay with one significant other and nor are we wired in a mobile age to pull for just one sports team either. We have our favorites, but we also have our memories of other experiences good or bad with people and sports teams. We never love just one person. We end up being in lust with more than one person in our lives. Same as sports teams. Just like with relationships I have no shame in this regard. My favorite teams are in Atlanta and I will always love them. There have been other women in my life. There have been even other women in my life during other relationships. I have no regrets for any of this. Life is too short for regrets. The same is true with my sports teams as well. So if that makes me a sports bigamist then so be it. I am not going to be ashamed of it and neither should anyone else.

I 'm Retiring

Transcript from hastily arranged news conference in the basement dungeon of my house where only two reporters showed up. One from the local grocery store insert and a writer from the Moscow Times (they'll show up for anything that could involve booze).

Thank you for coming out here today. I hope the hailstorm did not cause your vehicles too much trouble. I will keep it brief so that you all can go back outside and try to catch the hail falling from the sky.

I brought you all here to let you all know and the world know that I am retiring. Yes, I am retiring. I am retiring from competitive fantasy sports. I know that it is a shock since I have a total of six league championships across three sports and it seems that I am on top of my game. That is all true. However, I am 36 years old and frankly I have grown beyond fantasy sports. Fantasy sports was fun for awhile, but I am too old for this. I am too old to be engaging in a sport that is typically dominated by people who live in their basements in their parent's house without any other responsibilities and also no regular sex. At this point, fantasy sports distracts me from being a true sports fan. I spend most of my time pulling for my "fantasy" players on my "fantasy" teams. I have found myself rooting for these people more so than players on "real" teams that I root for. When I am rooting for Tony Romo to throw another touchdown pass so my team "The Deathmasters" could get an additional four points over a team call "The Black Raiders" while forgetting that the Falcons are being killed for the eleventh straight time, something needs to change. I spent more time in my "career" in fantasy sports rooting for individual players on other teams than my own favorite teams when I can figure out who those teams are. As a fantasy player, I became less of a fan of my team who in fact are...real...and more time rooting for teams that...DO NOT REALLY EXIST except in my own head or on a computer screen. I have a life people. I have other responsibilities. I have to get out of my own basement and live my "real" life. So after the conclusion of the Virginia Death Masters fantasy baseball season I will officially retire from fantasy sports. I will not defend any of my fantasy football titles. I will also not be like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre and I will not be coming back. I will try to actually have real relationships and root for actual real teams. I also hope for regular sex.


Any questions?


Grocery store insert guy: So you are leaving on top?
Fox: Yep. On top. I have won six titles in three sports. Baseball. Football. Basketball. It's time to move on. I am tried of rooting LT since he plays for San Diego not for me. I'd rather suffer the indignity of rooting for the Falcons who will be terrible this year.
Grocery store insert guy: So you weren't getting regular sex?
Fox: No.
Moscow Times guy: Fox, thanks for the vodka shooters. I had one question. Or maybe more. So why are you doing this now? Why not defend your titles? You owe it to your football challengers to defend your title.
Fox: Who are these challengers? I have never seen them. All I can see of them is their screen names. No faces. I wonder if these people were merely figments of my imagination made up by ESPN to make me believe that these were real people.
Moscow Times guy: Aren't you going to miss the excitement?
Fox: I think I will get more excitement by actually rooting for teams that really exist...and getting regular sex.
Moscow Times guy: There's no guarantee that you are going to get regular sex if you retire.
Fox: That is true, but most women I know do not want to have sex with fantasy sports guys. They generally think they are losers and if they do have sex with them it is either out of pity or money. Or both.
Moscow Times guy: George Carlin died today. Your thoughts?
Fox: George made it possible for people to push the limits on PC humor. He was never PC and we loved him for it. It is a sad loss. Without him none of this would be possible. I don't know what he thought about fantasy sports, but I am sure he didn't like it.
Grocery store insert guy: So who are you going to root for now?
Fox: Well, real teams. I root for teams out of Atlanta, LA, and San Francisco.
Grocery store guy: Those teams are awful. How could root for them?
Fox: The fact that they are awful is what kept me in the fantasy sports game longer than I should have. When I played in four football leagues last season I should have retired then. However, I knew the season would be terrible. However, I have to be a real person. I need to live a real life and if that means being a true fan of the teams in one of the worst sports cities in the world then so be it.
Moscow Times guy: Do you think that you will go into the Hall of Fame?
Fox: There's a Hall of Fame? Well, I think that I deserve it. I won six titles in three sports. How many people living in their basements having no regular sex can say that?
Moscow Times guy: The Russian soccer team...the real one...knocked off the Netherlands in Euro 2008 quarterfinal yesterday. You thoughts?
Fox: I am surprised. I had picked the Netherlands to win the whole thing this year. They seemed to be the best team going into the knock out rounds. The Russians played strong defense for a change. They seemed weak in the back line and I am not real confident on their goalie play. They gave up several opportunities to the Netherlands squad, but were able to get away with it. The second Russian goal during overtime was impossible. I have never seen any goal go that way. That goal cut the heart out of the Netherlands so it was not surprising that another goal was given up. I have been telling people to watch out for Russia. They are an up and coming soccer nation these days. Their coach is very experienced in international competition. Their offense and defense are always sketchy, but they find ways to win games. That is what counts. They play hard. They play unpredictably, but they have heart. They don't give up and they find ways to win games they shouldn't. I can't completely go against them in the semi-finals.
Moscow Times guy: What about the other half of the draw?
Fox: Turkey has shocked the world to get this far. They had no business getting past Croatia. They play Germany next and I don't trust the Germans not to lose. The Germans are not as good as they typically have been. They have a lot of holes.
Grocery store insert guy: Are you sick?
Fox: Yes. Temperature of 102. Why?
Grocery store insert guy: You're shivering.
Fox: Maybe we should end this conference.

Running Diary: Sunday Night NBA Finals Game 5

9:11 pm: It's 5-0 LA, one of the refs looks like he is a gangster. Are all the NBA refs look like they are on the take? Why won't anyone investigate this? It has taken Boston nearly three minutes to score. This is starting to look very much the last game where LA choked like a cat in a laundry mat.

9:13: Bad defense by Gasol. As I suspected he has been over matched mentally and physically throughout the series. What I am wondering is whether or not the effect of having multiple key players on the Lakers side who are European who have played like...Europeans... against a tougher Celtics team is a difference. To me, it appears that it has made a difference. The European players on the Lakers have looked like on several occasions that they are about to throw up on Jack Nicholson's shoes any minute. Several players I am sure have thrown up in their mouths.

9:16: Finally!! A European player shows a brief two seconds of toughness as Gasol manages to hustle to the ball on the rim and get fouled for a three point play.

9:17: Boston calls a timeout as the game is beginning to get a little out of hand. 18-5 Lakers. I am unhappy that the Lakers carted themselves out wearing their white gear. I hate that uniform. They are only to wear yellow and blue. None of this pansy white uni bullshit. Did one of the European players come up with that stupid idea. Let's wear white uniforms tonight!!! We'll look really snazzy. The Lakers don't need snazzy. They need wins.

9:20: I am a blue puppy. I thought I would just say that.

9:21: I wonder if anyone has thought of stabbing Pierce like eleven times before this game. Just a thought. It's happened before.

9:25: Kobe has already been named MVP. Stop chanting "MVP" Laker fans. He didn't deserve it, but he won it anyways.

9:27: In an instant replay of Game 4, the Lakers are blowing out Boston early and lead by 16. Except this time Kobe is involved in the game this time. They need Kobe to take over. The Lakers absolutely can not let the game get into the hands of players that have too many vowels in their names. Also, please do not give us Michael Jackson tunes as you go into chimerical. It's in real bad taste with his allegiance to Qatar and all. Or is it Dubai? Who cares.

9:32: Garnett just got his second foul. This is what LA needs. They need Garnett to go into his crazy person routine and get himself fouled out of the game or maybe get a couple of technicals for yelling at Dyan Cannon's hair.

9:34: I wonder if Luke Walton talks as crazy as his dad, Bill Walton. Now that is a guy that has got to be smoking a lot of dope all the time. He talks just like a pot guy. All over the map leading to absolutely nowhere. I have to say that I like Bill Walton a lot. I did my first ever book report on him like a million years ago. I did not realize into much later that Portland, Oregon was probably the best place for him to play professional ball after leaving UCLA. Especially with all the naturally growing "vegetation" in Oregon.

9:38: It's that baby commercial with the clown. It is so perfect. Just remember that Gacy was a clown.

9:39: Lakers up by 17 at the end of the first quarter. The scary thing is that there are three more quarters to go. We went through this a few days ago. Except the Lakers were wearing yellow in that game and Kobe was only yelling at his teammates. Tonight he is yelling at his teammates and scoring points.

9:42: A soccer player just got a basket for the Lakers. How did that happen?

9:44: Posey just got knocked into the Laker girls by a soccer player wearing a Laker jersey. Kobe is going to get real upset about that. Just look at him on the sideline. He's trying to figure out what to do on his next date right about now. Speaking of soccer, I have been watching parts of the Euro 2008 tournament. This is a great tournament so far. It looks like the Netherlands, Portugal, and Spain have the teams to beat. Those three look real strong early. I watched Russia play Greece yesterday where Greece got knocked out 1-0 when their goalie made an absolutely bone head play for the ball way out of the box and the Russian player kicked back to the middle of the zone where his team mate had an empty net shot. Ugly way to get knocked out of a tournament when you are the defending champion. Russia is not going to make it out of this round as they have to play Sweden on Wednesday. Sweden is the second best team in the group and had their hearts ripped from them by Spain in extra time 2-1 on another bone head defensive play on the ball. There is no way that guy should have been able to get past a double team with the ball to get it through to the net two minutes into extra time. Insane. Sweden will take out years of military losses to Russia by beating them into the ground in a couple of days. Of course, you have to remember that it was Russia who knocked out England during qualifying.

9:51: As expected, the Celtics now have pulled to within 11. The Euro 2008 players on the Lakers team are about to throw up on one of Laker girls. When that happens Kobe will go ballistic because he'll have to deal with sloppy seconds tonight.

9:52: The lead is now nine. Watch out, Paula!!

9:53: Key moment of the game. Garnett just got foul number three after hacking Gasol as he tried to get to the basket. Tough call there. I would not have called a foul there. I wonder how much that ref got paid to make that call. Garnett sits down for the half. He should have gotten a T as he was walking to the bench.

9:55: The Laker defense has completely fallen apart and so has the rest of the team. They can not afford to have Kobe and Fisher sit for long stretches on the bench. When that happens the Euro 2008 players are on the court which only creates a soccer game when no one scores. The result? A 15-0 run.

9:58: Dippy e-mailed me today stating that he had gotten a puppy. He said that he named him Phillip. I asked him what kind of puppy it was and he said in a bizarre text message that it was a "resistance puppy." We need to have Phillip on with Dippy next time. That should be fun. What the hell is a "resistance puppy?" Can someone help me with this?

10:01: I can tell that I am not a true Laker fan because I am actually caring that they have blown another big lead. Posey and Gasol just got tangled up under the basket on the floor. Don't worry folks. Gasol is like a Euro 2008 player he's not going to actually fight anyone. He'll call their mother or sister a name and get head butted...in the chest. That's all.

10:04: Let me apologize to all the soccer fans out there. I actually love soccer. I follow soccer a great deal. I follow it much more than most other stupid American sports degenerates who are hopped up on DayQuil and Concerta. It's just that European soccer players don't belong playing in NBA Finals games. They belong...playing soccer games. Does anyone really want to see Kobe or Garnett trying to play in a Euro 2008 game against Portugal? They would get red carded after five minutes for trying to take the head off an opposing player. Of course, it would be interesting what would happen if Luke Walton and Kobe ended up playing in Amsterdam some time.

10:08: Radmonovich just got yellow carded!!! One more and he's gone. Sorry, I couldn't resist. I just couldn't.

10:10: Kobe has just gone into anti-Kobe mode. He's now passing to everyone and not being aggressive. It's either all or nothing. He either takes all the shots or takes none. Farmar just air balled it from three point land after the Lakers took way too many passes. Kobe needs to take over the series. He can. Does anyone want the game to be decided by Farmar and Radmonovich?

10:12: Fisher and Allen just got yellow carded!!! Uh-oh.

10:13: Another pass by Kobe to Farmar for another three point shot which he misses. Kobe had an open three, but gave the ball up again. That can't happen if the Lakers are to win this game. It just can't. It's like sending your ex-girlfriend to buy condoms for you and your new girl-friend. In either case, you are asking for problems.

10:16: If I weren't a Laker fan I would be really really upset. The Lakers were up by 19 and waiting for the Oswald kill shot and then they went cold. They let Euro 2008 players roll into the game and they started to play like...Euro 2008 players. They completely stopped playing any type of assertive defense. Kobe decided that he scored enough points and passed up shot after shot. He ended up scoring a big fat zero points in the second quarter. The Celtics pushed the physical intensity and broke the Lakers down again. Pierce scored fifteen in the quarter and again made his case for the series MVP. They have now pulled to within three at the half. They have all the momentum. Gasol at the buzzer put his hands on his head as if to say "I can't believe this is happening...again" except in a Spanish accent. Do the Lakers want to win this game? Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't want to have see Kobe's face for another four months. I don't know.

10:22: Bill Walton is on babbling about how he can't understand the Lakers. It's easy, Bill!! Put down the joint. The Lakers are a finesse team. The Celtics are a physical team. In this case and in most cases in today's NBA the most physical team wins (unless you are the Pistons in any play-off series where they did not win the title). The only way the Lakers will be able to do anything is if they go back to what they do best, which is to quicken the pace and attack the basket more aggressively by speeding up the transition game. It might also help if they would play defense.

10:27: I can't watch this Walton father-son piece. It's a mess. I can't do it. I just can't. Bill needs to put the pot down. At least he shaved that beard.

10:31: I am taking a half-time break in order to ingest more DayQuil and Ritalin shots. That is some great stuff. I wonder what Dippy and Phillip "The Resistance Puppy" are doing. I wonder. Maybe I should try calling.

10:32: I forgot to mention that I am still on call. I have been on-call for emergency psychiatric services since 5 pm on Friday. I am not off until sometime in the next ten hours. I am taking the day off tomorrow so I am not sweating it. However, I may have to abruptly end this diary at any minute. How exciting!!!

10:36: Did anyone see Tiger Woods over the weekend? He's walking around all over the course using his club as a cane, wincing in pain after key shots, and MAKING CRAZY SHOTS. He led the Open by one stroke going into today and was not able to pull off the win. He had to hit a clutch 20 foot putt on 18 just to tie a golfer named Rocco. So there will be a death match play-off tomorrow afternoon. Tiger vs. Rocco. My money is going to be on Tiger. It will be close, but I see Tiger pulling it off. I know. This prediction is not a stretch. However, I did notice that in the key fourth round of the tournament where Tiger usually finishes off his prey that he shot his worst round of the tournament. He shot a 73. Hmmm...

10:40: Well, the Lakers continue to slide into the La Brea tar pits. They passed up easy lay-ups and played embarrassing defense and have allowed the Celtics to take the lead. The Lakers don't deserve to win. This is absolutely a mess.

10:42: Finally!! Kobe chases down a ball and hits a fade away and gets the foul. He HAS TO TAKE OVER. I need to write a letter to Phil Jackson. It's too late. Way too late. Isn't Jackson dating the bosses daughter? That next family dinner is going to suck when he blows this game like Tonya Harding in the men's bathroom at a biker bar in Cincinnati. Wait a minute!!! Isn't Tonya from Oregon? It all makes sense now.

10:44: Another stupid defensive series by the Lakers. They left Rondo wide open for a jumper. Just stupid. Jack Nicholson should just take over coaching the team right now. He should tell Jackson: "You CAN'T HANDLE THE KOBE!!!" followed by a kick in the man package.

10:46: I am losing it. That last entry was just stupid. Just like the Lakers defense. And Bill Walton's teeth.

10:52: Just watched a promo for the new movie Hellboy II. I just pulled up Ron Perlman's filmography. He has over 150 credits dating back to 1975 when he was on Ryan's Hope. However, he's going to be known for only for two roles: Hellboy and Vincent from the TV show Beauty and the Beast. Fun.

10:55: I must be in some sort of major haze caused by all the Diet Pepsi I drank with the Ritalin shots. Did I just see the Lakers go out to a seven point lead? How did that happen? Did something happen? Did aliens take over? Did my cat just eat that blue pill on the floor? Did I mention that I am a blue puppy?

10:57: It took ABC close to two hours to show us the celebrities in the crowd. What is David Spade doing? The Lakers ARE actually up by seven. They appear to be playing more aggressively and there are less Euro 2008 players on the court. However, they still look like they are being worn down. They are having too many mental and physical breakdowns.

11:02: Michelle Tafoya just referred to Doc Rivers having a brain in his head. Are people in Boston surprised? What would his image in Boston be like if the Celtics actually finished this thing off? Doc has been skewered every day he has been coach of the Celtics. Even during the play-offs and the Finals he has been criticized relentlessly by Boston fans and writers. Does that change if he wins? How could he be that bad if he leads this team to a title? From what I can see he may not be the best strategist out there, but he appears to motivate his team when they need it the most. Is that bad? Just wondering. People have compared him to Grady Little who was blamed for leaving Pedro in too long in the AL Series Game 6 against the Yankees and then got fired after the Red Sox blew the series...only to have the Sox win the World Series the next year. Would that happen to Doc if he blows this?

11:09: The Lakers are somehow up by six. However, they are still playing listless on defense and passing up easy shots for stupid long range jump shots that they can't make consistently. It's like passing up dating the easy pretty girl/boy for the middle of the road looking ice boy/girl who won't put out. Notice I am trying not to be sexist??? That is the new me!!! Thanks to DayQuil and Ritalin shots I actually think these thoughts through. Viva Ritalin!!! Viva Ritalin!!!

11:14: Phillip the Resistance Puppy called to let me know that Dippy is working the bar at the Wyndham Hotel at Virginia Beach tonight. It must be "Swingers Night" at the hotel tonight. I still do not know what a Resistance Puppy is. Can anyone tell me? I am wondering if it is some sort of sexual thing. However, we are talking about a puppy.

11:17: Odom took a knee in the man package from Pierce. Good one taking one for the team. Somehow it is wrong that Pierce was the one who ended up at the free throw line in this case. Anyways the Lakers are up by nine to start the 4th quarter.

11:18: Nice recovery by Odom who just hit a three point shot to put the Lakers up by 12. I can;t figure this out, but it appears that the Celtics are now the team that is becoming sloppy. They have had major stretches in the play-offs where the team gets haphazard and starts making unforced turnovers on the offensive side the ball. That appears to be what is happening here. Except with a good team (unlike the Hawks, Cavs, and Pistons) the Lakers can make them pay for it.

11:20: Another baby trading chimerical with the puking clown loving baby. The baby apparently has grown some hair and gotten a Blackberry. Watching the baby exclaim: "What a bad girl" when getting an e-mail is rather creepy. Am I the only one who feels this way?

11:23: Finally!! Two big things just happened. One, Farmar took the ball to the basket instead of passing the ball off for a contested shot. Two, Gasol just aggressively grabbed a rebound and was fouled on the play. This is what the Lakers must keep doing. Lakers now up by 14.

11:25: Lakers now up by twelve. They are pushing the ball up the court. They are playing more aggressively. They are using their speed to their advantage. One of the Euro players got thrown down by the Celtics token space alien. How does that happen? The alien is about 6000 years old.

11:29: Great shot by Kobe. Now is time for him to take over the game. We are half way through the fourth quarter. The Lakers up by 11. The Celtics are determined to make another comeback and finish them off. My cat apparently is hallucinating right now. He's crawled into a drawer and is singing Falco's Rock Me Amadeus.

11:33: More ridiculous defense by the Lakers and Posey hits an open three pointer to cut the lead down to four. The Lakers are playing like virgins on prom night. It's messy, clumsy, and painful. I can see how Bill Simmons gets paid the big bucks to write these horrendously long running diaries. I have been writing this piece for the last two and half hours and I am completely spent. I have got to toughen up. I am not a Euro 2008 blog writer after all.

11:38: The Lakers are actually trying to blow this game. Kobe and Odom need to have the ball. They need to be the ones wo take over. The folk with too many vowels can't handle the pressure that the Celtics defense pushes on them. They just can't have the ball in their hands in this situation. They will act like a cat with too much cat nip. There's less than four minutes left and the Lakers have a small two point lead. The Lakers are having to take tough shots. The Celtics are taking advantage of the Lakers Prevent defense.

11:41: Hmm...Pierce and Garnett just got called for wimpy fouls in the last 10 seconds giving them both five fouls each. The money must have just been wired over into the refs off shore accounts in Bermuda.

11:44: Star Tracker: Kobe, 20 points. Pierce, 34 points. Hmmm...

11:48: Four point game with three minutes left. It's time for Dippy to call in to check on how things are going. I would have to say that the Celtics are playing with more grit and determination than the Lakers. They may not be better, but the Celts are tougher. That is the difference. That is what has given them this series so far.

11:50: Garnett just yaked up two bad free throw shot attempts. He is not a clutch player. I wonder if that perception will change if the Celtics win the series. Just like Eli Manning's changed after the Super Bowl. Maybe not. Bad comparison. Manning actually had a hand in the Giants clinching the victory instead of lucking out that his team won like Garnett. Sorry, Eli. I won't do it again.

11:52: Despite themselves the Lakers are hanging on and it seems that the crowd is actually...dare I say...caring. Key rebound by the Lakers. Kobe just missed a death shot three pointer. Odom is doing his best Rasheed Wallace impression. Pierce is on the line for free throw 18 and 19. This is what you get for putting it to your opponent instead of dancing like a bad prom date with your opponent.

11:55: Bad shot by Fisher. Awww......man......Kobe gets a killa steal and slams it home. That's what "killas" do. They make the key play when it is needed the most. Lakers by 4 now with less than a minute to go. I need more Ritalin to make it through this piece.

11:57: Dippy just called for an update. He is on the 17th floor on the Wyndham. That is one of the floors that you have to use your room key to get to the floor via elevator. It definitely IS Swingers Night.

12:00: Fisher blows free throw No. 1 with 24.8 seconds left....ugh!!!....ok....he makes No. 2. Five point Laker lead. I don't know if the Lakers are winning this game or the Celtics are losing this game due to being haphazard and foolish with the ball. Don't know. I have watched this game and I don't know exactly how the Lakers have managed to be up late in the fourth.

12:03: Lakers up by six. Kobe misses one of two free throws. Less than fifteen seconds left in the game. I would have to say that the Celtics have blown this game. They should have won this game. They are tougher than the other team. They just have played a sloppy game where they gave up the ball too many times, made too many unforced errors, and taken dumb shots as well. I will let Simmons have his take on this game from his side. He'll diagnose the problem in this game.

12:06: Typical for the Celtics. Another sloppy play with the ball resulting in a steal by Fisher. Game over. The Celtics should have won this game. They gave it up. They choked. The Lakers managed to win despite their best effort to tank the series. Maybe Doc is not that great after all.

12:08: As I Love LA flows down from the rafters, the Lakers walk off the court facing the impossible task of trying to win two in Boston. I am spent. The Ritalin has worn off. I have to save my cat from jumping off the roof. Good thing my on-call shift ends in eight hours.