I 'm Retiring

Transcript from hastily arranged news conference in the basement dungeon of my house where only two reporters showed up. One from the local grocery store insert and a writer from the Moscow Times (they'll show up for anything that could involve booze).

Thank you for coming out here today. I hope the hailstorm did not cause your vehicles too much trouble. I will keep it brief so that you all can go back outside and try to catch the hail falling from the sky.

I brought you all here to let you all know and the world know that I am retiring. Yes, I am retiring. I am retiring from competitive fantasy sports. I know that it is a shock since I have a total of six league championships across three sports and it seems that I am on top of my game. That is all true. However, I am 36 years old and frankly I have grown beyond fantasy sports. Fantasy sports was fun for awhile, but I am too old for this. I am too old to be engaging in a sport that is typically dominated by people who live in their basements in their parent's house without any other responsibilities and also no regular sex. At this point, fantasy sports distracts me from being a true sports fan. I spend most of my time pulling for my "fantasy" players on my "fantasy" teams. I have found myself rooting for these people more so than players on "real" teams that I root for. When I am rooting for Tony Romo to throw another touchdown pass so my team "The Deathmasters" could get an additional four points over a team call "The Black Raiders" while forgetting that the Falcons are being killed for the eleventh straight time, something needs to change. I spent more time in my "career" in fantasy sports rooting for individual players on other teams than my own favorite teams when I can figure out who those teams are. As a fantasy player, I became less of a fan of my team who in fact are...real...and more time rooting for teams that...DO NOT REALLY EXIST except in my own head or on a computer screen. I have a life people. I have other responsibilities. I have to get out of my own basement and live my "real" life. So after the conclusion of the Virginia Death Masters fantasy baseball season I will officially retire from fantasy sports. I will not defend any of my fantasy football titles. I will also not be like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre and I will not be coming back. I will try to actually have real relationships and root for actual real teams. I also hope for regular sex.


Any questions?


Grocery store insert guy: So you are leaving on top?
Fox: Yep. On top. I have won six titles in three sports. Baseball. Football. Basketball. It's time to move on. I am tried of rooting LT since he plays for San Diego not for me. I'd rather suffer the indignity of rooting for the Falcons who will be terrible this year.
Grocery store insert guy: So you weren't getting regular sex?
Fox: No.
Moscow Times guy: Fox, thanks for the vodka shooters. I had one question. Or maybe more. So why are you doing this now? Why not defend your titles? You owe it to your football challengers to defend your title.
Fox: Who are these challengers? I have never seen them. All I can see of them is their screen names. No faces. I wonder if these people were merely figments of my imagination made up by ESPN to make me believe that these were real people.
Moscow Times guy: Aren't you going to miss the excitement?
Fox: I think I will get more excitement by actually rooting for teams that really exist...and getting regular sex.
Moscow Times guy: There's no guarantee that you are going to get regular sex if you retire.
Fox: That is true, but most women I know do not want to have sex with fantasy sports guys. They generally think they are losers and if they do have sex with them it is either out of pity or money. Or both.
Moscow Times guy: George Carlin died today. Your thoughts?
Fox: George made it possible for people to push the limits on PC humor. He was never PC and we loved him for it. It is a sad loss. Without him none of this would be possible. I don't know what he thought about fantasy sports, but I am sure he didn't like it.
Grocery store insert guy: So who are you going to root for now?
Fox: Well, real teams. I root for teams out of Atlanta, LA, and San Francisco.
Grocery store guy: Those teams are awful. How could root for them?
Fox: The fact that they are awful is what kept me in the fantasy sports game longer than I should have. When I played in four football leagues last season I should have retired then. However, I knew the season would be terrible. However, I have to be a real person. I need to live a real life and if that means being a true fan of the teams in one of the worst sports cities in the world then so be it.
Moscow Times guy: Do you think that you will go into the Hall of Fame?
Fox: There's a Hall of Fame? Well, I think that I deserve it. I won six titles in three sports. How many people living in their basements having no regular sex can say that?
Moscow Times guy: The Russian soccer team...the real one...knocked off the Netherlands in Euro 2008 quarterfinal yesterday. You thoughts?
Fox: I am surprised. I had picked the Netherlands to win the whole thing this year. They seemed to be the best team going into the knock out rounds. The Russians played strong defense for a change. They seemed weak in the back line and I am not real confident on their goalie play. They gave up several opportunities to the Netherlands squad, but were able to get away with it. The second Russian goal during overtime was impossible. I have never seen any goal go that way. That goal cut the heart out of the Netherlands so it was not surprising that another goal was given up. I have been telling people to watch out for Russia. They are an up and coming soccer nation these days. Their coach is very experienced in international competition. Their offense and defense are always sketchy, but they find ways to win games. That is what counts. They play hard. They play unpredictably, but they have heart. They don't give up and they find ways to win games they shouldn't. I can't completely go against them in the semi-finals.
Moscow Times guy: What about the other half of the draw?
Fox: Turkey has shocked the world to get this far. They had no business getting past Croatia. They play Germany next and I don't trust the Germans not to lose. The Germans are not as good as they typically have been. They have a lot of holes.
Grocery store insert guy: Are you sick?
Fox: Yes. Temperature of 102. Why?
Grocery store insert guy: You're shivering.
Fox: Maybe we should end this conference.

A Letter To Cheeseheads

Dear Cheeseheads,

Yesterday afternoon I was sitting in my office escaping my employees who secretly want me dead. Wait a minute, they actually do want me dead. They want me to be pushed to insanity like Michael Keaton in Pacific Heights. I turn on the Crackberry and read the e-mail headings in the nearly 3,000 e-mails I get daily. Most of these e-mails are from mobsters or pimps, but that is of little concern. I find a news alert stating that your favorite icon in Green Bay. Your #4. Your favorite Vicodin savior. Your Brett Favre announced his retirement from 17 years of NFL football. Most for your team--The Packers. Then I learned that there was no melodramatic tearful press conference where he announces in front of clicking cameras and hideous close-ups that he is finished. No on-field interview as snow was flying around Lambeau. No interview with Barbara Walters or Oprah Obama. He let us know that he was retiring by leaving voice mails and letting it officially be announced through the team's leadership. I felt a little miffed that Bret did not announce this to you face to face. He has been so honest and up-front with his up's and down's with you all throughout his time in Green Bay. Up until now. This was like finding out you were getting a divorce through your mailman delivering the divorce papers. I quickly got over Brett stiffing you until I heard interviews with you immediately after the announcement that Brett was not coming back from Mississippi this summer. I heard your reactions of full-blown grief, shock, and mourning. I heard how nothing was ever going to be the same again. I heard how the sun will never shine on Lambeau Field again. I heard how you needed to cry over your loss. Once I heard all of this, I knew that I needed to write you with several thoughts.

First, Brett Favre is not dead. I repeat. Brett did not die in a plane crash like Clemente. He did not get eaten by a bear. He did not get run over by a speed boat running cocaine into Miami. He did not die. Brett is definitely still alive. With this in mind, I have to say that you are over reacting. You are reacting as if your mother died or your favorite pet. You are acting as if you are going to go to his funeral and have his #4 jersey draped over a yellow and green coffin (and I KNOW that one exists!!!) and some sort of salute involving turkey shooters and bratwurst. Calm down. Brett is still alive. You are still alive. You do not need to act as if he did. You are being more melodramatic than Brit Spears. Stop, wake up, and smell the cheese.

Second, Brett may not be completely done. It is March. The season starts in six months. Training camp is in four months. Every NFL player is exhausted in March. Every player is looking in the mirror and asking themselves if they really have another year left in the tank. Favre, of course, is mentally tired. He is a NFL quarterback. He is one of the best quarterbacks ever to play. He holds the career mark for interceptions. However, Favre physically is in good shape. Physically he is able to play at a very high level. He still has the ability to lead his team into the play-offs and beyond. I definitely imagine after Favre kills a few animals and hits a golf ball one too many times into a creek or does another commercial for acid reflux disease that the fire will return. The competitive drive will come back and he'll be dying to get back on the field. I will not believe that he is completely retired until Aaron Rodgers takes the first snap for your team in a real regular season game--in September.

Third, please please give Aaron Rodgers a chance. I know that he is not Brett. No one is going to be Brett. Brett is an all-time gamer. He is one of the best. Notice that I did not say was. I said is. I am not convinced that he is really done. However, in case he is then I need to tell you to give Rodgers a chance. I do not know how good he will be. I do not know if he will be able to lead your team to the promised land. I do not know if he will develop a gambling habit or a Vicodin addiction or have a desire to see dogs kill each other. I do not know and neither do you. I do know that your team felt that he had the athletic ability and potential to be your starting quarterback. I do know that you will destroy any chance he has to be an effective quarterback who will lead the Packers to victory if you turn on him the moment he has a bad game. If a rainstorm of boos come from you every time he throws that ill-timed interception or dart into the dirt thirty yards away from any receiver, then you will kill him. Once that happens, then he is no good to you and a long line of really horrible quarterbacks will follow. Then you will be--The Atlanta Falcons. A train wreck of a team where no one who has any talent wants to play (except back-up running backs gunning to prove themselves). You did not know Favre was going to be Favre until you gave him a chance. Please give Rodgers the same chance. Don't destroy his psyche by Week 4. If you do, then you get what you dish out. Trust me.

Good luck to you. Cut back on all the beer and brats. See a doctor. Stay healthy.

Signed,

Fox 4NX