Gambling With House Money

I am doing emergency service behavioral health on-call work this weekend, which is why I made my picks early this weekend and I may have to run off.  I have two weeks left in my fantasy sports career.  Nobody took me up on my offer to join their fantasy football league.  Cowards!!!  Nonetheless, I somehow made the championship final fantasy baseball as the #4 seed.  I have the rest of the MLB regular season to go.  I am so happy to be walking away.  I have enjoyed the football season so much more by being able to focus my attention on the teams and players I care about and not whether or not someone slings the ball backwards on the one yard line thus causing someones team to take a gut wrenching fantasy loss.  I get to simply suffer when my team loses, not my fantasy teams.  I began to care more about my fantasy teams then real teams.  That was disturbing to everyone around me.  I was checking everyday for a hour a day (or more) to make sure my four fantasy football teams last year were doing ok.  My significant other wanted to send me to rehab...in South Korea where apparently they have inpatient rehab programs for internet addiction.  I am not busy on Sundays with my lap top refreshing fantasy scores every minute while one TV is playing whatever insipid game the networks were carrying in my region of the world.  I am glad I'm not doing that anymore.  I am not even giving fantasy advice to people who are still lurking the net looking for fantasy football nuggets.  It's over.  Done.

Like Michael Jordan leaving basketball for gambling huge money on his own golf game, I have moved onto degenerate on-line gambling with play money.  I have moved on to wagerline.com, a web site where sports degenerates can gamble with play money (called units) on every thing being contested under the sun.  I have "bet" on college football, the NFL, MLB, CFL, and even the WNBA.  I place about fifteen "bets" a day.  If you earn enough units in a given sport during a week or during the whole season then you become eligible to win actual real money.  So I don't lose anything (except time and the love of everyone in my home) and have something to win if I know what I am doing.  Of course, it is debatable whether or not I know what I am doing.  I have "bet" using point spreads in every college game being played today.  I even pick some over/under games.  So far, against the spread I pick correctly around 56% of the time on college games.  In pro football I am only one game over .500.  On wagerline.com, if you lose then you lose more units than you "bet" so if you are at .500 then you are in the hole as far as units are concerned.   I have learned that I have no business picking CFL and WNBA games.  None.  Though I am tempted to pick Connecticut in their WNBA play-off game this weekend.  Why?  Because wagerline.com will assist you in your picks in two ways.  The first way is that let's you know for each game the percentage of people who have picked one team or the other.  It also allows you for each game to see what the "experts" have picked.  The experts are what the website has tallied as the best handicappers for the teams involved.  Thus, whoever knows the team the best in terms of picking their contests is considered an expert on that team.  So you can go with the crowd or against it.  It is unclear how wise this crowd is, but at least you know what others are thinking even if you don't know anything about the teams that you are betting on.

I know that this is like one step away from on-line or real gambling with actual real money.  It is like the guy who is an alcoholic who goes to the bar and orders an O'Doul's.  It's just not that big of a leap towards the Coors.  Possibly the same thing here with on-line play gambling.  I will say that there is not as much excitement as in real gambling.  However, I think this is more fun because you really aren't losing anything (except time and maybe sex).  So since I have now a more vested interest in the Akron-Army game on ESPNClassic (I took Akron and the points), I'll click onto that game while looking over my shoulder for Sarah Palin's Terminator robots who I am sure are still after me.

Pulling a Favre

Awhile back I officially retired from fantasy sports. More specifically, I retired from fantasy football within months of the rush to get mock fantasy drafts in order, to start leagues, and to send smack to all your fellow league owners that your team--aptly named the Vultures or the Village People--would kill their team who was also aptly named. I stated that I wanted a life outside of fantasy sports to do things like (a) have a job (b) take care of my family (c) have regular sex (d) cheat on my taxes and (e) all of the above.

So I retired. Then I stated that I would not pull a Favre. Yes, Favre is now a verb. When one retires and then un-retires within four months or less it is called "a Favre" or Favring. So I exclaimed that I would not be coming back. That I would not pull a Favre. I deeply devoted myself to retirement and was planning the rest of my life. I vowed that when August came that the juices would not be flowing and if they were they were as a result of desiring more pleasurable things such as sex, booze, and movies starring Anne Hathaway.

However, as Barry Bonds and I were talking about how no one was calling either one of us to get into any games, it all hit me. I am retired. I am not going to be playing fantasy football this year. I won't be praying for three weeks of the pre-season that my starting quarterback would not get hit by a bus or run his motorcycle into a passing car. That I would not be hoping that the star linebacker of my defense would not end up with two torn knee ligaments. Or that my star running back would not be indicted for federal drug conspiracy (by the way, anyone can get busted by the feds for drug conspiracy...say hello to any drug dealer whether you know them or not will get you five in Leavenworth). I am not in it. And it makes me feel sad.

I am missing the game like I miss regular sex and playing in a band. Rough. Very rough.

So I am making this announcement to all league managers and commissioners....

Invite me to your league and I will join. Yes, that means that I would be pulling a Favre. So sue me. Or send me to the gulags. I don't care. I will join the first league that calls (or e-mails, or texts, or sends a pigeon) and only one. It does not matter what league and where. The first league that contacts me with an invite will get my best effort. I have six league championships to my credit so you are playing with fire, but at least I am not on performance enhancing drugs (unless you count blood pressure medication) and I have not been indicted...yet.

If no one contacts me before the first NFL game of the season, then I am staying retired and will likely stay that way to spite all you sorry asses. I learned how to say that from Barry Bonds who feels the same way about all the MLB teams that won't call him. Though they have many more reasons to NOT call him no matter how many people end up on the DL (yes, I am talking to you, Tampa Bay).

So click the mouse, or the keyboard, or whatever. Invite me back and I will join. Otherwise, it's your loss (and my family's gain--maybe).

I 'm Retiring

Transcript from hastily arranged news conference in the basement dungeon of my house where only two reporters showed up. One from the local grocery store insert and a writer from the Moscow Times (they'll show up for anything that could involve booze).

Thank you for coming out here today. I hope the hailstorm did not cause your vehicles too much trouble. I will keep it brief so that you all can go back outside and try to catch the hail falling from the sky.

I brought you all here to let you all know and the world know that I am retiring. Yes, I am retiring. I am retiring from competitive fantasy sports. I know that it is a shock since I have a total of six league championships across three sports and it seems that I am on top of my game. That is all true. However, I am 36 years old and frankly I have grown beyond fantasy sports. Fantasy sports was fun for awhile, but I am too old for this. I am too old to be engaging in a sport that is typically dominated by people who live in their basements in their parent's house without any other responsibilities and also no regular sex. At this point, fantasy sports distracts me from being a true sports fan. I spend most of my time pulling for my "fantasy" players on my "fantasy" teams. I have found myself rooting for these people more so than players on "real" teams that I root for. When I am rooting for Tony Romo to throw another touchdown pass so my team "The Deathmasters" could get an additional four points over a team call "The Black Raiders" while forgetting that the Falcons are being killed for the eleventh straight time, something needs to change. I spent more time in my "career" in fantasy sports rooting for individual players on other teams than my own favorite teams when I can figure out who those teams are. As a fantasy player, I became less of a fan of my team who in fact are...real...and more time rooting for teams that...DO NOT REALLY EXIST except in my own head or on a computer screen. I have a life people. I have other responsibilities. I have to get out of my own basement and live my "real" life. So after the conclusion of the Virginia Death Masters fantasy baseball season I will officially retire from fantasy sports. I will not defend any of my fantasy football titles. I will also not be like Roger Clemens and Brett Favre and I will not be coming back. I will try to actually have real relationships and root for actual real teams. I also hope for regular sex.


Any questions?


Grocery store insert guy: So you are leaving on top?
Fox: Yep. On top. I have won six titles in three sports. Baseball. Football. Basketball. It's time to move on. I am tried of rooting LT since he plays for San Diego not for me. I'd rather suffer the indignity of rooting for the Falcons who will be terrible this year.
Grocery store insert guy: So you weren't getting regular sex?
Fox: No.
Moscow Times guy: Fox, thanks for the vodka shooters. I had one question. Or maybe more. So why are you doing this now? Why not defend your titles? You owe it to your football challengers to defend your title.
Fox: Who are these challengers? I have never seen them. All I can see of them is their screen names. No faces. I wonder if these people were merely figments of my imagination made up by ESPN to make me believe that these were real people.
Moscow Times guy: Aren't you going to miss the excitement?
Fox: I think I will get more excitement by actually rooting for teams that really exist...and getting regular sex.
Moscow Times guy: There's no guarantee that you are going to get regular sex if you retire.
Fox: That is true, but most women I know do not want to have sex with fantasy sports guys. They generally think they are losers and if they do have sex with them it is either out of pity or money. Or both.
Moscow Times guy: George Carlin died today. Your thoughts?
Fox: George made it possible for people to push the limits on PC humor. He was never PC and we loved him for it. It is a sad loss. Without him none of this would be possible. I don't know what he thought about fantasy sports, but I am sure he didn't like it.
Grocery store insert guy: So who are you going to root for now?
Fox: Well, real teams. I root for teams out of Atlanta, LA, and San Francisco.
Grocery store guy: Those teams are awful. How could root for them?
Fox: The fact that they are awful is what kept me in the fantasy sports game longer than I should have. When I played in four football leagues last season I should have retired then. However, I knew the season would be terrible. However, I have to be a real person. I need to live a real life and if that means being a true fan of the teams in one of the worst sports cities in the world then so be it.
Moscow Times guy: Do you think that you will go into the Hall of Fame?
Fox: There's a Hall of Fame? Well, I think that I deserve it. I won six titles in three sports. How many people living in their basements having no regular sex can say that?
Moscow Times guy: The Russian soccer team...the real one...knocked off the Netherlands in Euro 2008 quarterfinal yesterday. You thoughts?
Fox: I am surprised. I had picked the Netherlands to win the whole thing this year. They seemed to be the best team going into the knock out rounds. The Russians played strong defense for a change. They seemed weak in the back line and I am not real confident on their goalie play. They gave up several opportunities to the Netherlands squad, but were able to get away with it. The second Russian goal during overtime was impossible. I have never seen any goal go that way. That goal cut the heart out of the Netherlands so it was not surprising that another goal was given up. I have been telling people to watch out for Russia. They are an up and coming soccer nation these days. Their coach is very experienced in international competition. Their offense and defense are always sketchy, but they find ways to win games. That is what counts. They play hard. They play unpredictably, but they have heart. They don't give up and they find ways to win games they shouldn't. I can't completely go against them in the semi-finals.
Moscow Times guy: What about the other half of the draw?
Fox: Turkey has shocked the world to get this far. They had no business getting past Croatia. They play Germany next and I don't trust the Germans not to lose. The Germans are not as good as they typically have been. They have a lot of holes.
Grocery store insert guy: Are you sick?
Fox: Yes. Temperature of 102. Why?
Grocery store insert guy: You're shivering.
Fox: Maybe we should end this conference.