What Tiger Woods Should Have Said

It has been an awfully long time hasn't it? We survived the holiday season and massive snowstorms. I have not seen my yard in three months (not that it looked that great to begin with this time of year). I listen and watched the Tiger Woods statement and several people asked me for my comments. I had many. Then I thought about it. There was a whole different statement that Tiger should have made. So I have taken the liberty of re-writing the Tiger Woods statement:

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. It has been several months since I attacked a tree with a SUV after downing four doses of NyQuil after Elin found out that I was cheating on her. You have only seen me coming in and out of a rehab for sexual addiction in some horrible place in Mississippi. Let me be the first to tell you that I am not a sexual addict. I am not an addict of any type. What I am is....and I learned this in therapy in a cottage somewhere...a anti-social personality. Yes, an anti-social. I'm sure you morons think that anti-social personality means that I don't associate with people. It does not mean that at all. What it does mean is that I am glib. I am charming when I want to be. I am totally irresponsible. I have no respect for laws or norms. I am shallow. I have no affect. I am criminally versatile. I have poor impulse control. I have no anger control. I manipulate everyone and everything. I also live a parasitic lifestyle. Yes, I am a parasite. I use everyone. In fact, I am using all of you right now. I am using you to try to get back in your good graces. I am using you to get back some of my $100 million endorsement deals. I am using you because...you know what?...because I can. I have been doing it for years. I am a control freak. I use the media to get what I want. I use women to get what I want. I even use steroids that Roger Clemens trainer shot me in the ass with. I live off the life blood of others. I manipulate everything to suit my carnal desires and then some. I have used Elin to make myself look better. I use my kids to make it look like I am a decent dad. I am using my dead dad just for sympathy sake. You all don't understand. I make $5 trillion fucking a year. I don't think I am entitled. I know I AM entitled. I am entitled to whatever the hell I want. Whenever I want it. That's right....King Kong has nothing on me.

Now let's talk about the women. I know that I cheated. Everyone knew I cheated on the Tour. They all cheat on the Tour. They even cheat on the golf course. Anyone seen Vijay Singh lately? John Daly got it all right. He doesn't even try to cover it up. So I have cheated with Hooters girls, hookers, porn stars, psych patients, crazy people, dope dealers, and a Perkins waitress. So it's all there. I chase skirts. Who doesn't? JFK did it. Clinton did it. I'm damn sure Obama is doing it right now. So what's the deal? Everyone seems to be making fun of the fact that I did a Perkins waitress. I will tell you that she was the best of all of them. She cooked me some chicken fingers one time and ate them off my man package. That was awesome. There is not a lap dance I will refuse. Even if the stripper has been doing meth for the last three months straight trying to pay her way through school. It doesn't matter. I am the VIP room.

So I know that all of you are expecting an apology. You know what? I'm not giving you one. The only person I need to apologize is not you all. It's not even to Elin. Though have said that I am sorry to her and...I kind of meant it...sort of...but really the only person I need to apologize to is me. It's me for getting caught in the first place. There is no point in apologizing to anyone else. I don't really mean it anyways.

Everyone wants to know when I am coming back to play golf. That's really all what anyone cares about anyways. You all don't care about me. You don't care about my fake family. You don't care about my children who will grow up to be just like me. No, you don't care. All you care about is when I'm going to bust up my knees to hit a stupid little white ball around a golf course that would have never let anyone who looks like me play on it 50 years ago. So let me say this. I will play fucking golf whenever I feel like it...or whenever all my endorsement money runs out. Whichever comes first. That's all. I'm out."