So I must be in a pissed off mood tonight, which I am. I am royally pissed. I won't get into it on this post in order to protect the supposed innocent, I will just take it out on my subject matter(s) for this evening.
As stated in a previous post, I went to see Terminator: Salvation this afternoon. It was the first movie that I have ever gone to where I wanted to leave half way through it, demand my money back, and set fire to the theatre on the way out the door. I wanted to go home and take a shower in order to remove the endless mound of slime that this movie vomitted all over me during the 114 minutes of endless agony that it created. It was so bad that I began to laugh (along with half the audience) at every stupid action scene or example of poor dialogue uttered.
A five year old could have written the script for this utter garbage. The dialogue was so ridiculous, foolish, and cliched that I would love to go on a campaign to make sure that the writers never ever work again. Ever. Trust me, it was as bad as every movie starring Burt Reynolds or Van Diesel. Random typing of words on a keyboard could have created a better script.
Christian Bale was great in American Psycho, however, he is more than awful in this film. He (to his defense) was given miserable lines to utter. Despite this, it is no excuse for a completely shallow performance. There were no acting stand outs in this film except for being utterly horrible. Most characters were so poorly developed that I began to root for the killer robots (who did a better acting job) to kill all of them. I felt that if this group of people were the last people living then we should just give ourselves over to the killer robots now. I kept sitting in my chair choking on my over salted popcorn muttering "Please die" over and over thinking that if they all die then maybe the horror show of this movie would mercifully end soon.
The plot of the film was so disjointed, disconnected, tangential, and absurd that I felt that a movie featuring giant hamsters wiping out Kansas City made more sense and had better merit. In my hamster movie, the hamster named Charlie gets shot up full of HGH and female hormones and ends up growing to fifteen feet tall and 15,000 tons. After the hamster's girlfriend gets killed by North Korean terrorists dressed in Mickey Mouse masks in a failed bank robbery, Charlie goes insane and demands revenge by taking out Kansas City. Charlie eventually gets killed off after trying to eat a giant radioactive cheese ball. See! My idea is so much better than this movie where nothing seemed plausible or make any bit of rational sense. The heroes of this film should have been killed 1,000 times over, but the killer robots seemed to want to try to kill them in the same manner that the Los Angeles Lakers play half their play-off games this year (re: inept, inconsistent, foolish, uninspired and idiotic).
The saddest thing of all is the fact that I have never been so bored in an action film before. I was so bored watching stuff explode that I felt like I needed an eight ball just to stay awake.
In the end, I will never be able to get those lost 114 minutes back in my life. I will remember the utter horror of this film (even though the last thirty minutes was comic genius....only it was not meant to be funny) on my death bed. I will have nightmares of Christian Bale barking bad dialogue into a scratchy microphone or of a likeness of AHHHnold tearing everything apart at the end of the film. The last scene gave us the hint that we will have a sequel to this shit fest. If that happens, I will make that hamster film after all.
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