Great goal by the Pens to go up 1-0. Not even a fifteen foot tall and 15,000 pound hamster could have stopped that power play.

Half way through first period of Wings-Pens Game 2 and I have not seen the Dos Equis guy once. He must be scared of me. Bearded bastard!

The Nationals lost their sixth in a row today. They are on pace to lose 119. The '62 Mets lost 120. I say go for 121!! Then go to Montreal.

Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

So I must be in a pissed off mood tonight, which I am. I am royally pissed. I won't get into it on this post in order to protect the supposed innocent, I will just take it out on my subject matter(s) for this evening.

As stated in a previous post, I went to see Terminator: Salvation this afternoon. It was the first movie that I have ever gone to where I wanted to leave half way through it, demand my money back, and set fire to the theatre on the way out the door. I wanted to go home and take a shower in order to remove the endless mound of slime that this movie vomitted all over me during the 114 minutes of endless agony that it created. It was so bad that I began to laugh (along with half the audience) at every stupid action scene or example of poor dialogue uttered.

A five year old could have written the script for this utter garbage. The dialogue was so ridiculous, foolish, and cliched that I would love to go on a campaign to make sure that the writers never ever work again. Ever. Trust me, it was as bad as every movie starring Burt Reynolds or Van Diesel. Random typing of words on a keyboard could have created a better script.

Christian Bale was great in American Psycho, however, he is more than awful in this film. He (to his defense) was given miserable lines to utter. Despite this, it is no excuse for a completely shallow performance. There were no acting stand outs in this film except for being utterly horrible. Most characters were so poorly developed that I began to root for the killer robots (who did a better acting job) to kill all of them. I felt that if this group of people were the last people living then we should just give ourselves over to the killer robots now. I kept sitting in my chair choking on my over salted popcorn muttering "Please die" over and over thinking that if they all die then maybe the horror show of this movie would mercifully end soon.

The plot of the film was so disjointed, disconnected, tangential, and absurd that I felt that a movie featuring giant hamsters wiping out Kansas City made more sense and had better merit. In my hamster movie, the hamster named Charlie gets shot up full of HGH and female hormones and ends up growing to fifteen feet tall and 15,000 tons. After the hamster's girlfriend gets killed by North Korean terrorists dressed in Mickey Mouse masks in a failed bank robbery, Charlie goes insane and demands revenge by taking out Kansas City. Charlie eventually gets killed off after trying to eat a giant radioactive cheese ball. See! My idea is so much better than this movie where nothing seemed plausible or make any bit of rational sense. The heroes of this film should have been killed 1,000 times over, but the killer robots seemed to want to try to kill them in the same manner that the Los Angeles Lakers play half their play-off games this year (re: inept, inconsistent, foolish, uninspired and idiotic).

The saddest thing of all is the fact that I have never been so bored in an action film before. I was so bored watching stuff explode that I felt like I needed an eight ball just to stay awake.

In the end, I will never be able to get those lost 114 minutes back in my life. I will remember the utter horror of this film (even though the last thirty minutes was comic genius....only it was not meant to be funny) on my death bed. I will have nightmares of Christian Bale barking bad dialogue into a scratchy microphone or of a likeness of AHHHnold tearing everything apart at the end of the film. The last scene gave us the hint that we will have a sequel to this shit fest. If that happens, I will make that hamster film after all.

Went to see the new Terminator movie. Worst movie I've ever seen. My idea of giant hamsters destroying Kansas City has more merit.

Please forgive me for the insanity of trying to put a reasonable post up in 12 texts all with no more than 160 characters each. See! I am the most interesting!

The Lakers Have Two Teams

So the Lakers win another conference title. They somehow won Game 6 in Denver and Kobe was not distracted by some hotel hottie or small animals like hamsters or some such shit. Watching Magic Johnson's bloated head spilling information as useless as my beat up car made me wonder whether or not he ever had HIV at all. It was all some sinister plot anyways to become the Dos Equis guy. All in all I am absolutely convinced that I should be the Dos Equis guy. I'm younger. I'm stronger. I'm more unstable. And more importantly I am hundred times more interesting. However I digress or degress (whatever it doesn't matter does it). The Lakers are two totally different teams. The first team is called Kobe and the Lakers. That team stands around and waits for Kobe to either take over the game or flame out or snort coke off a Laker girls breasts. That team is inconsistent, frustrating and boring. So frustrating that even Jackie Nicholson feels like choking on a baked potato--on purpose. The second Laker team we saw tonight. They have role players who are actively involved, appear interested, and look like they want to actually win. They play to their potential. They become so unstoppable that not even Stan Van Gundy's rambling garbled tangential speeches can stop them. No team can stop the second Laker team for four games in a seven game series. Except when they revert back to the first team. We should send the first Laker team to North Korea to solve the nuclear crisis before it gets out of

hand. Wait a minute. It already is out of hand. The only thing they can do now is to bore them into submission which would not take much. All that is needed is a vampire, a shotgun, and a roll of paper towels.

I have no idea why no one else has brought this up but since LeBron James has gained 400 pounds in muscle in the last year I think he's juicing.

So the 4th quarter of the Cavs and Magic has started. Soon the nightmare of listening to Marv Albert's oversexed toupee will soon be over

I would like to start a new campaign. A new website devoted to sending the Washington Nationals back to Montreal. They had the best uniforms in the 80's

I wonder what the Dos Equis guy is doing right now. Combing his chest hair? Smoking blunts? Surfing for porn on the net? How interesting!

So imagine that North Korea is a hot vacation spot. Who can't have a fun where there is no electricity, running water, and cat is a good meal?

So the Cavs are up by 16 early which means we will have to listen to Marv Alberts talking toupee hit on Reggie Miller with deep longing.

If I see another ad for the new show "Hawthorne" I'm going to start my own show called "Jaded Communist Bastard" starring Bryant Gumbel as himself.

Seriously, why doesn't ESPN report something more important than Tom Brady in light drizzle like how the NBA fixes play off games?

I have decided to plan my next vacation. I plan to tour nuclear weapons attractions in North Korea. I'm sure that they are full of fun!

Since I am back to blog with a vengenance, ESPN reported that Tom Brady practiced in light drizzle. Don't they have anything else to report, like camel races?

Text Messaging Is Fun Boys And Girls

Now the blog master a-holes said that I can post by submitting a text. So ok. Here I am sending a pointless ranting text that will cause mass illiteracy. Not!

I'm Back!!!!

It is late. Very late. Midnight late. My brain is buzzing. I'm coming out of hiatus. I am coming out of hiding. No, not a closet even though everyone who has read this believes that I have some sort of man-crush on Tom Brady. That is another matter all together. I have dealt with the ups and downs of life. I have dealt with having no energy to post anything worth anyone's time in reading it. Matter of fact, all I had to offer was senseless smoking hot messes of ideas that would have likely caused anyone reading it to start wearing Snuggies...during the summer...riding a lawn mower...in Virginia. Dangerous stuff.

So on the day after Tom Brady marked his return to the practice field throwing a football and thousands of cameras clicked, whirled, and drooled away I am finally making my return to this blog. I do not know how it will be. I don't even know if it will make any bit of sense whatsoever. But, I am back. I am better than ever.

No, I'm lying there.

Let's just say that I am back. I am looking for blood. I am looking for subject matter. I want your suggestions. No one is going to escape my return. I am taking revenge. On what I have no clue. I am ready to go after anyone, anywhere, at any time. It does not matter. I have been saving my ranting energy up for this run. I will even go after the Dos Equis guy. Why? Because I am the most interesting man in the world and I have had more awkward moments than anyone and others obviously live vicariously through me.