There Will Be No Deal

Dippy the Pirate Bear and Phillip the Resistance Puppy have been respectively kidnapped and dog napped. Dippy was last seen somewhere in the Wyndham Virginia Beach hotel lobby cavorting with groupies and swingers. Phillip was captured moments later somewhere near Lynnhaven Mall trying to buy cigarettes.

All I got was the above note that appears to be some sort of ransom note. It implies, I am guessing, that I need to pick a sports city to formally align myself. Well, I have to say to everyone that I do not negotiate with kidnappers or dog nappers only other degenerate gamblers and on-line poker players...and maybe most attractive women. So there will be no deals. There will be no strange meetings on a bridge where I get killed by a sniper over dog biscuits. It won't happen.

I have been torn between two cities, neither of which are great in terms of sports, Washington, D.C. and Atlanta. I have given my reasons for choosing either city throughout the last several months. Many of you have commented about how to decide one's allegiance to a sports city and it's teams. Atlanta is where I was living when I started being interested in sports and Washington, DC is more like my current "home" city. Though some of you may have figured that I have flirted with Boston, but that probably has more to do with being a bandwagon jumper than anything else (though I live there for three years before moving to Atlanta). I used to live in Charlotte, Dallas, Jacksonville, western Pennsylvania amongst other places. My sports fan "mentor", Bill Simmons, does not have an answer for the dilemma of someone who has moved to various different places throughout their life (and believe me I have written to him several times since he seems to have these RULES for being a sports fan). However, most people have told me that there are no real rules for being a sports fan...that you like who you like. On the other hand, most have stated that you should have a favorite and that you should not root for two teams in the same division or conference. So who the hell knows.

All I know is that I am not making any deals with kidnappers or dog nappers around choosing a side. I consider Washington sports teams to be the "home" teams and I have had an unwritten rule that you should root for the home team in every professional sport that the particular city owns. If there is a sport that your city does not have then you can go "free agent" and pick another team somewhere else. So when I lived in Charlotte I pulled for that city's teams and the regional teams (such as the Hurricanes, for example). When I lived in Jacksonville there were no major sports teams (they had only the Suns which were and still are a Double A minor league baseball team) so I remained with the last city--Atlanta. After Jacksonville, I ended up in suburban Washington, DC and I secretly rooted for the Redskins, Bullets (now the Wizards), Capitals, Maryland, and the Baltimore Orioles (no baseball in DC in 1981 through 2004). I secretly rooted for the home teams because I feared that I would labeled as a "dork" by the neighborhood kids for pulling for the home team. The story goes on and on. For the exception of my self-imposed exile in Charlotte I have lived in Virginia for over half my life. So go figure.

Atlanta is like a first love. You never forget her/him regardless of how horrible, good, silly, insane, psychotic, or stupid the relationship was. It will still hold a special place. So, Atlanta has stuck with me. I have not been able to fully let go. Just like Iran and nukes or Lindsey Lohan and Xanax.

It is not like I hate the other teams from other cities that I have lived in. I still have a passing interest in Charlotte and Jacksonville and Boston etc. It is just that Atlanta is the first love that you never forget and always will have a special place and Washington is the "home" city. Go figure. Hence, the struggle to "decide" on a "favorite."

So this is my message to the dog nappers and kidnappers:

Do what you want. Feed them both ten day old tacos and stale grape juice. Give them electro shock to their "packages." Make them watch the new X-Files movie a hundred times. Don't allow Dippy near a razor. Don't let Phillip "resist." It will not matter. I will not make a deal. I will not bargain with their lives. I will decide when I choose to decide. I will not let you or anyone else dictate when I make up my mind. It will all happen on my terms. Not yours. No matter how many spiked jalapenos you send me.

Movie Review: X-Files: I Want To Believe

The long awaited X-Files second movie came out this past weekend, X-Files: I Want To Believe, and it was released at least eight years too late.  The television series that it was based on had long since gone through the sunset of shows that had "jumped the shark" as they say.  I was a fan of the series even after it had skidded completely off the road and exploded like a pirate bear in a microwave.  I watched the first movie, which was "o.k.", but at least it fit into the context of the TV series mantra of mystery mixed with conspiracy.  This movie takes us to the present day so many years have passed for Scully (Gillian Anderson who now is forever typecast in this role) and Mulder (David Duchovney who now is forever typecast in this role) with no clear explanations on how they got there.  It's like watching a DVD starting at scene 12 of the movie and then trying to figure out what had happened in the previous eleven chapters.   The movie's attempts at clarifying how we got here were feeble at best for those who are aware of the TV series and totally obscure for those who are not.  So in this sense, the movie was doomed from the start in a no-win situation:  take a lot of time getting us up to speed or doing nothing and hoping that everyone will figure out the gaps on their own.  Either way it was not going to work in a movie that is set in the present and trying to fill in six to eight years of history.  

The plot actually it did not appear to be the true plot.  The "case" the former FBI agents work on is an old urban myth tale with no originality whatsoever.  It seemed that the "case" was not supposed to be the main plot.  The main plot appeared to be the relationship between Mulder and Scully and each character's struggle with who they are and who they have been.  However, each "plot" was done half-way and with very mixed results.  This, in the end, was a movie that did not know where it was going or how it got to where it was.  

The acting was average.  There were no stellar moments.  Nothing stood out in the positive.  It was not awful either.

The plot had more gaps than President Asterisk's ability to make rational decisions.  There were two plots that were each given short shrift (like our war on terror) and with no positive results except pissing everyone who gives a rip off (just like our war on terror).  There was little originality.  No true link to the mantra of the series past.  Just gaps and confusion which resulted in more questions than answers.  At least when the series was in it's zenith you had at least some answers.  Here in this movie, there are way too many questions and at this point, at the end of luckily a short film (102 minutes running time), I just did not care anymore.  

In terms of camera work and directing, there were no stellar moments either.  Nothing stuck out good or bad.

My grades:

Acting:   C

Plot:       D

Directing:   C

Final GPA:  1.67  (Academic probation)

I Don't Want To Cheat Anymore...On Atlanta

I'll be brief.

Maybe.

I have had only one mojito as I am writing this and I am well on my way to many more after today's fun festivities.

The Disabled List Hall of Famer Mike Hampton pitched his first major league game for the Atlanta Braves in three years this afternoon in Philadelphia. The fact that he was able to actually go out on the mound in a major league stadium wearing a real major league uniform (as opposed to an iron lung or a pirate bear outfit) was amazing enough. For someone who had not thrown a big league game in three years he pitched rather well. As expected, he ran out of gas in the fifth inning assuring that he would not be able to win the game and I suspect the idea was to at least get him out of there before he could lose it. Hampton pitched four innings giving up eight hits and six earned runs (the last three were in the fifth inning where the bullpen could not hold the base runners they inherited). The thing is that when Hampton left the Braves were up 9-3 after posting a season-high nine runs in the top of the fourth off of Phillies ace Cole Hamels. By the end of the home end of the fifth inning the Phillies were up 10-9. The Braves in the very next inning gave up their season high in runs. Of course, as it has been the entire season the score in a road game against a division opponent remained the same. The Braves are now 6-23 in one run games this year. They have won a total of one game by one-run on the road this year. The Braves are, by far, the worst team in MLB in one-run games. The Mariners, for example, are a last place team, but their record in one run games is only nine games under .500. This has been the biggest statistic of the season for the Braves. This statistic has caused me, a life-long Braves fan, to completely want to drink 15 mojitos daily, run my car off a cliff, and run off with any other team that looks good, just like John Daly at a craps table or John McCain at a botox convention. Of course, my choice of teams did not fare any better (the Nationals have lost three straight games all in the late innings and by two runs or fewer...of course, we expect this from them as they are a minor league team and if I had my way they would be relegated to Triple A ball after the end of season). However, this mark of being seventeen games under .500 in one run games has been the biggest symptom of having an extremely young and inexperienced team (mainly in the pitching department that has seen the training table more often than Lindsey Lohan and Miley Cyrus have seen cocaine lines on mirrors in sketchy hotel rooms). This team despite some veteran leadership has not learned how to win in the clutch. Over the years, we have come to expect that the Braves would pull out these close games by finding ways to win as opposed to finding ways to lose...except in the play-offs. So to see this team blow games they should win is a huge shock to the system. It has been so unnerving that I have considered dropping 25 years of fandom just to get away (just like Josh Childress!!!) from Atlanta. Learning how to lose can be as contagious as Bojangles chicken. Learning how to win is the biggest lesson and hopefully somehow this young pitching staff will find a way to pull it together and win a game they aren't supposed to win followed by winning a game they should win in the clutch. This type of losing reminds me of the young Braves squad in 1989 and 1990 where their pitching staff had not learned how to play and win in the big leagues. A year later, they learned and they went to the World Series. I pray something like this happens again. As I suspect that the Liberty Media empire is not going to be spending money anytime soon so this will require key targeted spending on young talent, which Atlanta has. Tampa and Milwaukee have learned to win without spending a ton of money this year so it can be done. However, regardless of money, young players need to learn how to win. It's happening in Tampa. It happened in Atlanta in 1991. It can happen again...and I hope soon because I don't like cheating anymore.

Try To Stop Me

I thought that this picture is the essence of Atlanta professional sports. This says it all. If you think about it pretty much every good player in his prime ended up leaving Atlanta eventually and doing better somewhere else. Josh Childress has not even reached his prime yet and he is already gone. I suspect that Josh will end up winning the Greek basketball MVP for the next five years straight (the trophy for this is something like a giant golden gyro or a golden copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding) and his afro will get at least three feet wider. I know that there are examples of Atlanta athletes that were above average that stayed (most of them for the Braves), but it just seems that the Atlanta sports teams as a whole, in general, do not keep their young talent once they become above average. They won't pay them or buy them hookers or a free pass to the Gold Club.

This is why I am cheating on Atlanta as a sports fan. I am so done with Atlanta. I have not lived there since 1981 and the current owners have treated their fans so badly that there is no way that they can be forgiven. This whole Childress thing just tops it off. I am sure that Josh Smith will end up in Germany somewhere...anywhere but Atlanta. The owners are doing the same thing with the Hawks as they did with the Thrashers. A year after their only play-off run the Thrashers became a joke again. Now the same will take place with the Hawks. The Falcons are owned by a porn king and the Braves are owned by a heartless profiteering corporation. It's so over. I have to move on now. Just try to stop me!!!!

I live in Virginia now. Hear me! Virginia. Spelled V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A. I have lived in Virginia for nineteen bloody years. Before that I lived in Maryland near DC for four and half years. So who are the home teams? The teams in Washington, DC, that's who! So I am cheating on you Atlanta sports. With the home teams even. I did the same thing with women in 1989, 1991, 1992, 1996, 1998, 1999, 2000, and 2001. Just try to stop me. I know that I would be rooting for the worst team in baseball, a football team with a non-PC name, a hockey team whose star can't speak English, and basketball team lead by somebody named "Agent Zero." I know it might be the same as dating and scoring with a "7" you meet at the bar on the corner while the "9" waits 400 miles away. But, Atlanta sports, your not a "9", you never were. So I am running away....just try to stop me...and I don't want a stinking T-shirt either.

A Good Start

As I am preparing my first blog entry regarding the Washington Redskins (yes, Atlanta, I am seeing someone else now) as the "home team" I am mulling over in my mind a question on one of the Redskin fan blog sites asking whether or not the Redskins should keep their name. As someone who tries in this blog to not be politically correct I would answer this question with an adamant "No." The Redskins have the most politically incorrect name in all of professional sports. Actually, the LA Lakers come close (there are no lakes in LA, and the only "lake" there is actually is a tar pit). However, they have had that name since the start of the franchise. Why change now? What would change into? The Murderers? The Congressmen? The Bought Off? The Gun Ban Posse? The Monuments? The Presidents? The President's Hookers? I mean it could go on and on. All the other names are taken...the Capitals, the Nationals (they really should have brought back the Senators), the Wizards (this is so racist against wizards). So what would be the point? The world needs a lot less political correctness anyways. PC has kept people from speaking their minds and from their heart. Sure, people may not like what some other people may have to say, but we all have the RIGHT to say it. I respect people who speak their minds, mean exactly what they say, and give me the honest truth. Don't give me some sugar coated response that could mean a hundred different things. Just give it to me straight. If I don't like I'll tell you. So, in other words, the Redskins should stay the Redskins if that is what they want.

Jim Zorn is the new head coach of the Redskins.

Hmm...the former quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks (also a non-PC name). He spent most of his entire career being chased after by Raiders defensive linemen and having his brains splatted all over the Kingdome turf. This is the guy you want as a head coach? Well, at least Dan Snyder did not get some flashy big name who either had no clue what he was doing coaching pro ball (Spurrier, who left for South Carolina as an escape hatch) or the game had completely passed him by (Gibbs, and I know I'll get killed for this, but if you really had a brain you would agree). Dan (who is one of the worst owners I have seen in football) did not go after Tom Landry or tried to exhume George Allen. He did not get a top college coach, which I guess is good. College coaches who succeed in college can't do the same thing using the same methods in the pros (like sleeping). It shows also that maybe the big name is not what the Redskins need now. They need a coach and a fresh head coach at that. I am still unsure of this decision (due to Zorn's lack of head coaching experience and spending his entire career getting killed in Seattle, Green Bay and Tampa-sure to cause brain damage), but it is a fresh start.

So far, the reports that I have read from training camp (aside from key injuries to starters and potential new starters) is that Zorn is trying to put his stamp on the team from day one. He has been a bit of a drill sergeant, which professional athletes need (but don't want) continuously demanding continued repetitions and hustle. He has been demanding of his players and so far has not taken any grief from them. He has demanded attention, respect, and drive. One player that seems to have responded well to this is Clinton Portis. Yes, Clinton, the man with all the wigs, big sunglasses, and the desire to be the NFL's version of Dennis Rodman, has been working harder in this off season and this camp than in previous seasons. The team's best offensive player working hard is a great sign. He has signaled to his teammates that it's time to get to work. It's not time for warm and fuzzy time. It's time to be serious if things are going to get better.

I expect Zorn to have some definite mis-steps in his first head coaching season, but the early signs are quite positive. It will be much easier for him to loosen the reigns if he needs to be, then it would be to crack the whip later on. This is why taking a hard line approach is the best plan to establish oneself (as long as you don't go into overboard land like Barney or Dippy the Pirate Bear when he trained his dog to attack ants and parked cars). Hey, it eventually worked for Tom Coughlin.

Zorn is planning to install the West Coast offense for the Redskins. I question this move mainly because I wonder if the team has the right personnel for it. However, the players have been quite happy with it so far in comparison to Gibb's predictable 1983 offensive of strategy. Zorn has also installed a more aggressive pass defense strategy which also has players more involved in the action (corners will be playing closer to the line). So far, so good and maybe Zorn did not have too much brain damage from hitting his head on the Kingdome turf too many times...but there is a lot left to go and Howie Long still works for Fox Sunday.

I Came Back For This??

I come back from a hiatus full of expensive mojitos and magaritas to find out that one of the key players of the Atlanta Hawks, Josh Childress, owner of the best afro in the NBA, signed with the best team in...

Greece.

Yes, Greece. You know that country. The country that gave us the Greeks, frat parties, and names with way too many vowels. They also gave us the Olympics and have been regretting it ever since. Greece has a major basketball league. Did anyone really know that outside of Europe?

Afro Man did not end up signing with big name teams like the Lakers, Celtics, or the Spurs. No, it's the best professional basketball team in Greece. When I first heard the news I got ready to throw in the towel in regards to any allegiance to Atlanta sports. The Hawks lost one of their best players to a team in Greece. How much lower can they get? This would not have happened to the Celtics, Lakers, Spurs, or even the Wizards. No, the Hawks have now proven how inept they are. They lost their best afro to a team in Greece. It's like your girlfriend not just dumping you for someone else, but instead running away to New Mexico by themselves. However, on second glance at the deal I changed my tune (but only slightly) and realized that the deal was an absolute no brainer for Josh and a huge warning shot for every NBA team. This does not, by the way, change my mind that the Hawks are the worst franchise in the NBA...well except for the Knicks.

The Hawks offered The Big Afro a package deal worth in the neighborhood of $17 million dollars. The Greek squad offered the same number of years, but placed $20 million on the table. Childress, a restricted free agent, would have had to wait on the Hawks to equal the deal if he had been offered a package from any other NBA team. The Hawks would have had a chance to match or beat any other offer made by any other NBA team, which knowing the Hawks they would have never ever done. That was not the case if an offer from a team outside of the NBA.

The key to the whole deal is what Josh will be getting out of the deal. Let me explain and it's a lot more than the $3 million difference between the two offers. Here in the NBA if you got a $17 million deal, how much of that money would you be able to put away (after taxes, agents, homes etc.)? Maybe $11 million? $10 million? Less? In Greece, how much of that $20 million would you be able to put away? The same?

No.

That $20 million that Josh is going to get is actually $20 million. Why? Because that $20 million is post taxes. The Greek team will be paying the taxes up front. They will also be paying the 10% for the agent. They will also be paying Josh's bill for housing. They will also be paying for his transportation and food. In other words, he's getting a free ride and will be paid and get exactly $20 million to do it. Compare that to his situation here where his salary would have been $17 million prior to taxes, agents, food, car, and housing which Josh would have paid for on his own in Atlanta.

What would you do? Take the money and run to Greece and learn how to eat a gyro without half of it landing on your pants.

Even if the offer was the same amount of money one would be a fool not to take the Greek deal. In the end, you keep all the money in the Greek deal, which doubles the take home and put in the bank take.

I don't blame Josh for taking the deal. I would have taken the deal. It's a no brainer. I blame the Hawks a little bit for not even trying to match the deal. They were content to let him walk. However, this exodus poses a major threat to all the other teams who are trying to avoid paying superstar money to key role players. The European teams are offering far better deals. Role players in the NBA can become European superstars (that whole big fish in smaller pond scenario). This will make it 100 times harder for any NBA team to re sign role players that could get wooed away to Greece, Italy, Russia, and France. Sadly, the teams that are in the mid and low level markets are going to be hurt first. Teams like Charlotte, Atlanta, New Orleans, Seat....eh...Oklahoma City will be hurt long before high profile teams that free agents want to play for (Lakers, Celtics, Spurs etc.) These teams in Europe have the resources and are playing on an uneven field with the NBA. If you think that I am kidding that this signing poses a threat let me give you this nugget. Russian womens teams are paying six and seven figures (roughly ten times more than the WNBA) to play in the dead of winter in Russia and the top women in this country are playing there every winter. If the WNBA played in the winter there would be no WNBA (which for some would be a sigh of relief). The warning shot has been made.

Taking A Break And Having A Real Meal...Just Like This Guy

As the political landscape of the country is turning into a bizarre Wizard of Oz motif, Dippy's 401K is headed into the toilet, and we are at the All-Star Break in baseball, I am taking a hiatus. I know that it is undeserved, but so was Paul Newman's Oscar. I am taking a break anyways. Call it a separation to clear my thoughts of work and family disturbances. Cloud my brain with good beer, good real meals and better times away from home (I know some of you are asking how this will be any different than when I am on a work related trip...just stop). I will become in the next few days what I hate the most...a tourist. I don't care, it's been awhile. It'll be fun. I think. I get to ride on a subway and dodge bullets. However, I hope to come back with my mind as fertile as Angelina Jolie's uterus.

I need to get away from work. I need to get away from dealing with the mustard gas fire that is Atlanta professional sports....

An aside here. I am truly wondering if I should divorce Atlanta professional sports. It should be (and is, according to Sensai Bill Simmons)allowed that if the owners of your teams professional franchises egregiously damage the team and the fan's psyche with crazy plans and even more ridiculous moves then you can divorce them and go somewhere else.

Case in point, The Hawks Josh Smith is being courted by a number of teams who are in need of his services. He is one of the most coveted free agents right now. He has been linked to a number of teams. The LA Clippers is one of them. Smith has been a key component of the Hawks pseudo resurgence. I'll admit that he has been a bit of an underachiever, however, he grew up a little bit in the play-offs. He is key to the team's future success. The Hawks need him more than most other teams. If the Hawks lose him to any other team (especially to the only inferior franchise in the NBA, the Clippers), then this will mean that the ownership "group" does not care about building for success. It will show that they are more concerned about the bottom line than winning. This group did the same thing to the Thrashers after their first ever play-off appearance last year. So I would not be surprised. Just like I was not surprised that Heath Ledger ended up dead in his New York City suite. I expected that to happen. Just like I expect the ownership group (nobody really knows who owns the Hawks or the Thrashers) to scuttle the team right after a play-off run.

The porn king that is Arthur Blank has totally destroyed the Falcons from now and into eternity. Matt Ryan? No offensive or defensive line? Signing Vick to a $100 million contract that is still being counted against the cap? Please. This is worse than Hannah Montana doing a porn video with the Olsen twins, which is probably Blank's (wet) dream. Well, I guess it would be worse from her father's perspective.

The ownership company that owns the Braves has hand-cuffed the GM from doing anything productive. They need to make a choice about the near and far future. They are leaning towards buying or doing nothing. The two worst moves the team can make. When your team ends up being run by a corporation (aside from the Yankees and the Angels), then your team is doomed to live in the bottom line world where mediocrity is OK as long as we make a profit.

So I am frustrated. The owners do not care about winning. They care even less about the fans. It is not a recent issue either. For the exception of the Braves in the 90's, the owners of all of the sports teams have done their level best to screw up everything. I am tired of dealing with it and living in the 3-13 world of the Falcons or the 24-58 world of the Hawks. So I am thinking of calling my attorney and drawing up the divorce papers just like A-Rod's wife (oh, she's already done it...OK).

That was a long aside. Getting back to the point. Once I clear my head with bad toothpaste, sketchy Richmond, Virginia food, and really damn good beer then I'll make a better decision about Atlanta sports, the market, gas prices, Iran, and whether or not to post Dippy's bail for teaching his puppy how to hide drugs in his mother's house.

Hide The Trigger

The Iranian military launched an elaborate test of long range missiles today that was seen all over the world. An Iranian military talking head (whose name is similar to a lunch meet) stated that "our finger is always on the trigger....we have hundreds even thousands of missiles ready to be fired against predetermined targets." Good times. One of the missiles that was tested can carry a one megaton warhead. The missiles that were tested have a range of over 1,200 miles, which is enough to reach most Middle Eastern US targets and the entire state of Israel. Good times. The Iranians stated that they launched this test in response to Israeli military exercises that resembled test runs on an air strike of Iranian nuclear facilities as well as the US Navy's "secret" test of shooting down Iranian missiles. Good times.

I suspect that the Iranians do not know who exactly they are dealing with. Don't they know that President Asterisk is looking for any reason to launch a military strike on them? President Asterisk has illegally invaded and occupied sovereign countries for far less than shooting long range missiles. I mean he did all this because the country's pot bellied leader wanted to kill his dad. That was back in 1991 when everybody wanted to kill his dad and President Asterisk was still snorting coke off of hookers breasts in a stripper bar somewhere in East Texas. So to run tests of long range missiles that can carry nukes 1,200 or so miles away is similar to knocking off half the family. Then to say things like: "Our finger is always on the trigger" only makes things more fun. Don't they know that President Asterisk also always his finger on the trigger also? He's had the itch for pushing the button as bad as he has the urge to drink mojitos in the Oval Office (of course I suspect that it's much more than just an urge).

The leaders of both Iran and the US have the collective mentality of a nine year old spoiled child with alcoholic parents. They are both a complete mess. They are both egocentric, irrational, lack judgment, lack insight, have poor anger controls, impulsive, and hopelessly intellectually challenged. They listen to no one in their inner circle. They do not tolerate anyone who tells them "no" or tells them to do something different than what they have planned. Their approval ratings in their home countries is lower than 35% (though I suspect the Iranian approval rating is completely anecdotal because anyone saying anything negative about the government is probably shot on sight). They are practically brothers. Brothers in arms.

So as Iran rattles sabres and tells everyone that "their finger is always on the trigger" and the US runs non-secret secret test runs of missile defense tactics we in the rational world are left wondering if these two "world leaders" have had a nap recently or somehow got into dad's stash of porn and seven year old beer. The world is a far less safer place to live with these two snipping at each others toes. There is a reason why we do not let nine year old boys drive cars, drink booze, vote, go to strip clubs, and go to war. That's because when you let nine year olds run nuclear states they don't know how to conduct themselves. They become dangerous, concrete, and myopic. This is a nasty combination. I am hoping that cooler heads within the governments of Iran and the US will keep their prospective leaders distracted with pretty objects, girls in bikinis, dancing pirate bears, or tear gas (it's so easy to distract nine year old boys) so that somebody trusted can hide the trigger long enough for someone else to be in charge. At least in the US that will be in another six months...

...unless John McCain is in charge, which will be like having a temperamental egocentric fourteen year old with a fetish for botox and sleeping pills running a nuclear state.

Good times.

Sell The BMW And Fire The Trainer

As I am flirting with the collective sports teams in Atlanta filing for divorce from me as a fan like A-Rod's wife (Hmm...Madonna or A-Rod's wife?) I submit another post focusing on Atlanta sports. I am also wondering who else out there may be planning to divorce me in the next few weeks. However, I am not worried I have a back-up plan to follow Rafael Nadal's groupie entourage around the globe for the next three years.

Today, the Braves announced that Jeff Francoeur was being brought back to Atlanta after spending the Fourth of July weekend in Mississippi, which is a version of hell that I would not ever want to endure. I spent a Fourth of July weekend in Panama City, Florida once and it was going through the eleventh ring of hell. Trust me. It was bad. Try standing around for three hours in 156% humidity waiting for fireworks with 2,000 beer slugging people straight out of Dawn of the Dead. The Braves also announced that they were putting three more players on the DL. So it's time to make a choice. It is July 8th. The Braves are 42-47. They are in fourth place in the division. They are 6 games out of the division lead and 7 1/2 games back in the wild card race. The trade deadline is looming. It's time for Frank Wren to make his first big decision of his GM career in Atlanta. Buy or Sell. Buy to try to make a run at the play-offs or sell assets and build for the future.

Let's read off the list of Braves players now on the DL:

Manny Acosta RP
Jeff Bennett RP
Tom Glavine SP
Mike Hampton SP
Anthony Lerew RP
Peter Moylan RP
John Smoltz SP/RP?
Rafael Soriano SP
Omar Infante IF
Matt Diaz OF

The players on the bench make up approximately 47% of the Braves $102 million payroll. There have been between seven and ten players on the DL most of the season and at one time half the payroll was on the DL. Chipper Jones has not been healthy all year and should have been on the DL on a number of occasions so far. Yunel Escobar also has been fighting nagging injuries all year. When over 40% of your payroll has been on the DL all year it's time to fire the trainer. Not the manager or a bench coach. The trainer and probably the strength and conditioning coach. Something is amiss off the field that has translated to injuries off the field. I know that Mike Hampton should go into the DL Hall of Fame (first ballot) and Smoltz, Glavine, and Jones are nearing the end of the line, but all of these young relief pitchers? What's going on with their training and conditioning regimen? It's like they all have turned into Lyle Alzado in his last years. Or Brit Spears after a cocaine and mocha frappuccino binge for three weeks.

Mark Teixeria was a trade deadline player and should be one this year...leaving Atlanta. The choice between buying or selling should be clear. It's time to sell and re-build. The Braves are completely beat up and snake bit (5-21 in one run games this year and 0-1,000,000 in road one run games over the last half-century). There are numerous players on the DL and players who should be shut down for periods of time to just get rest for next year. It is unlikely that the cheap bastards who now own the team (Liberty who???) will re-sign Teixeria. So use the one big asset that many teams covet to steal a number of young prospects from Pawtucket or Iowa (Red Sox and Cub Triple A teams respectively). This will allow the Braves to stock pile young talent on their roster to test the waters in September, to re-build for the future, to shut down players that need the rest for next year, and to allow the current young players to continue to mature in the big boy league. To try to buy now for this year will mortgage the future for a run that will likely result in more injuries and eventual failure. There are too many teams to climb over and the Braves need many of the players on the DL to come back, no one else to join the hospital ward, and for drastic improvement in players who have underachieved so far this year (yes, you, Frenchy). So sell the BMW to get several VW bugs to soup up later. It's the best play for the future.

Of course, you still need to fire the trainer and strength coach or the young players that the Braves should get will also end up on the DL.

Tom Brady Isn't Me And Your Zito-Jones Update

It has been awhile since I posted an update on our favorite (or at least my favorite) overpaid baseball players. I have been flirting with another sports city and have been caught leaving their apartment late at night. Just like A-Rod!! It is true and not a rumor that I have been re-kindling an old old flame of sports cities: Boston. Yes, Boston. When I was three years old (I think) I moved to the Boston area and slowly became influenced by osmosis into the Boston sports melodrama of futility. This was 1974 when I moved there and then left somewhere in 1978 to Atlanta. I became familiar with the Celtics (in a major downturn in fortunes soon to be changed by Larry Bird and his mullet), the Bruins (everybody played street and ice hockey, including me, and dreamed of being Bobby Orr), the Red Sox (winner of the prize of pulling defeat out of victory over and over...just like Atlanta!!), and the Patriots (only slightly better than the Falcons of today). Except now, the owners of the Boston sports franchises actually are trying to win. The owners of the Atlanta sports teams have done their best to live in a world where it is OK to be no better than .500, run the team into the ground, fight amongst themselves in court, and treat fans like me for granted. The fact that I lived in Boston for a significant part of childhood, the fact that the owners care about winning, and the most recent success of the Boston sports teams have made this sports city the solid "10" in the bar full of "6's." I have to admit and I know that you all will call me a bandwagon jumper that I have pulled for the Boston teams all my life. In 1986, I owned a busted Red Sox cap trying to will the Red Sox to win Game 6 only to see what my sports life would turn into when Buckner lost a little rolling white ball in a field of green and brown. I was actually pulling for the Celtics during their run of titles in the early 80's. I loved the Boston Garden. I pulled for the Bruins during their bitter series against the Canadians every play-off year. I even (as tears roll down my face in shame) wanted the Patriots and (OMG) Tom Brady to win their first Super Bowl against the Rams. When the Red Sox won the World Series in 2004 I could barely watch fearing that some sort of crazy event would occur that would cause them to lose yet again. When they finally won I was relieved. I have discovered that my disdain for Boston sports came out of a primitive defense mechanism that is used by grade school boys who will push girls they actually like into a mud puddle as a way to cope with the fact that they like the girl. For me, it was awe and envy. I hated Tom Brady because he wasn't me. I hated him because I was not him. I didn't have a hot model girlfriend who goes by one name to sleep with (I did back around let's say, 1991...and I have been chasing the hot young model ever since...see 1997, 1999, 2001, and 2007). Tom Brady is the coolest guy in the room. He is what everyone would want to be and 99.9999% of us will never ever get there. So no wonder there is a love-hate thing going. I have always disliked franchises that I had the most respect for (see the 49ers in the 80's and 90's). I still don't like Coach Hoodie. Why? Because he is a cheat and he has the personality of a snapping turtle. However, I have been lured by the distant past of my childhood where futility was woven into the fabric of both my personal and sporting life. At the time, I just didn't know it. By the way, the first baseball card I ever owned? Carl Yastrzemski.

Of course, if I even start actively pulling for any team in Boston they'll start losing...just like in Atlanta. Forgive me.

Now your stinking update:

ANDRUW JONES:

Andruw went on the DL for quite awhile due to a bum knee (and also a bum swing, but that was not mentioned in the official record). He came back over the weekend in San Francisco an went 1 for 10 with 1 RBI and 5 strike outs. Back to where he left off!!!

AVG.: .161 HR: 2 RBI: 8 OBP: .262 SLG: .259

How often is one's slugging percentage lower than their OBP?

BARRY ZITO (ZITI):

Barry has actually won two out of his last three games and his drive towards 30 losses seems to have lost steam. However, there is always 20 losses. His best game of the year was yesterday at home against the Dodgers (who are simply awful offensively). Nonetheless, he pitched seven strong innings giving up two earned runs and striking out 10. I watched parts of this game and I noticed for the first time that his mechanics and mental game were both sharper. He may turn this dumpster fire of a season around after all. I hope so because the ace of the Giants is a 24 year old kid who looks like he is 14, wears a wool hat in 90 degree weather, weighs about 174 pounds, and throws a 98 MPH fastball with a lot of movement.

W-L: 4-12 ERA: 5.73 SO: 60 WHIP: 1.78

Tell Me How My Ass Tastes!!!!

I have got so many possible subjects that I am going to bounce all over the place so buckle your seat belts.

**Apparently there was a rescue of 15 hostages out of Columbia (the country, not the cesspool of a city in South Carolina) completed by Columbian intelligence officers. The hostage takers apparently thought it was a great idea to rent a private helicopter company to haul the hostages from one place to another. When the helicopter arrived it was manned by intelligence officers posing as helicopter pilots. They picked up the hostages and simply flew away. Of course, the US intelligence agencies are trying to take credit for the operation that the Coumbians and only the Columbians could have pulled off. Typical for the President Asterisk reign of terror. On a sad note, FARC missed an opprotunity to get another hostage--John McCain, who also was in Columbia today.

**I have gotta say this: "Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes."

**Am I off base in thinking that Shaq's opening of his free-style rap on Kobe sounded really gay?
How does my ass taste? How does that conversation go? Is this something that is asked in a typical free-style rap? I must have missed something in the whole Kobe-Shaq marriage and divorce saga. Only in a marriage and divorce saga would there be any place for a "How does my ass taste?" blast. In fact, I did something similar to this during my last break-up saga. And I have had many.

**"Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes."

**The latest Dippy the Pirate Bear update is that he is in the hospital in Virginia Beach due to MRSA, exhaustion, cat nip overdose, malaria or shingles. I am not sure which one it is. Either way it is pretty bad. They have had to hide all the sharp objects out of his hospital room yesterday after he heard that Elton Brand was possibly going to leave the Clippers and end up at Golden State. I told him he was being overly dramatic as he should have been more upset by Baron Davis coming to the Clippers from Golden State. Dippy has been training his "Resistance Puppy" named Phillip how to sniff for drugs. I don't think this is for law enforcement purposes.

**I am watching the Rays-Red Sox game on ESPN and I am hoping for another brawl so I can watch Coco Crisp do his Matrix impression ducking from a wild punch by a Rays player who is swinging like a middle school girl in a lunch room fight. I also saw Dick Vitale in the stands being interviewed by Erin Andrews. My close friend stated that Vitale looks more like Montgomery Burns from the Simpsons. He's right on target. This series also comes off the heels of the latest "Manny being Manny" fiasco where he shoved the team travel secretary because he voiced not being able to get Manny 50000 tickets for the game in Houston. I am tired of hearing about Manny Ramirez just being "Manny." So that excuses all of this outrageous behavior? What if T.O. did this? What if it was Randy Moss? What if it was Tom Brady (I wish)? I have always gotten the impression that the whole "Manny being Manny" blast was actually a racially driven insult implying that Ramirez's actions and Hispanic dialect make him appear to be less intelligent. That is why I have no real tolerance for that statement being uttered everytime Manny Ramirez does something outrageous or inappropriate or just like every other spoiled professional athlete.

**I was watching the latest evening news, which these days should lead people to be placed on some sort of suicide precautions because of how horrible it is, and heard about the latest Chinese fiasco. I watched in horror as children, young girls, women, men with grocery carts were all trying to pull massive sticky green algae out of the sea. The very sea that is supposed to be hosting sailing events in the Olympics next month. News reports show this algae infestation now covers 1/3 of the sea that the competition is supposed to be held on. I found it humorous watching people try to scoop this stuff off the sea surface and cart it off in grocery carts. I watched as little children were trying to get it up using their bare hands. Something tells me that this is going to take awhile. This is just another reason why the Olympics should be boycotted. This ranks right up there with all the other good reasons: Tibet. Pollution. Human Rights violations. Nuclear proliferation. Imbalanced trading practices. Running over people with tanks. Driving up energy prices. Jackie Chan. Yao Ming. Now it's the green algae that people are referring to as "the blob" or "the fairway." It's not too late. We haven't gotten on the plane to China yet. It's time to call it off. Let's hold an alternate Olympics--in Columbia.

**The new mental health commitment laws have now been enacted in Virginia. One interesting (and expected) development is that the pre-admission screening forms that CSB pre-screeners are required to use when evaluating a patient is now eight pages long. Two days ago it was five. I can not wait to fill out one of those puppies at four in the morning. The commitment criteria for hospitalization has been loosened. This will likely cause more involuntary admissions when there are no more inpatient beds available to put people in. This will tie up emergency rooms with psychiatric patients in limbo for longer periods of time. I have to ask. If it was a medically comprimised patient as opposed to psychiatrically comprimised, would they be "in limbo" tying up ER's for hours and even days waiting for beds? The mandatory outpatient laws are set up to tie up the court system in such an convulted manner that eventually there will not be any orders for outaptient treatment anyways. Then there is the murky concept in the mandatory outpatient treatment laws about patients "voluntarily" seeking mandatory outpatient commitment. How does that work? How does this sponsor true recovery and patient choice? I don't know of many people choosing to be committed. Does anyone choose going to prison? The only people who choose to go to prison are those not wanting the death penalty. Not much of a "choice." I don't believe that anyone truly can choose to be forced into treatment. This is not recovery. This is punitive.

**Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes. Dippy. Tell me how my ass tastes.

**The team formerly known as the Seattle SuperSonics will be leaving the former cofee and flannel capital of the world for Oklahoma City. The team's owners are willing to pay out $45 million and the team name and colors just to get out of Seattle. This has got to be the biggest middle finger to Seattle. The fact that a team's ownership group is willing to ditch the team's past, name, colors, and $45 million just to get out---NOW--is an ugly scene. I know that people in Seattle are disappointed. I went through this in Charlotte, North Carolina when George Shinn (who looks like a cross dressing child sex predator) held the city for ransom for a publicly funded arena and the left for New Orleans when he didn't get what he wanted (only for him to do the same thing to the city of New Orleans a year after Katrina). Trust me when I say this, Seattle. You are all better off. Believe me. You will get another team. They will be called the Sonics. They will be an expansion team for several years, but maybe you'll get an ownership group that cares about you and winning just as much as making money. Well....on that note, don't hold your breath. You're still better off even without a team then dealing with the crooks that are leaving in moving trucks only to be shunned by Oklahoma City in a few years when they get bored of losing to the Nuggets and Timberwolves all the time.

**Seattle. Tell me how my ass tastes. Seattle. Tell me how my ass tastes.