Great goal by the Pens to go up 1-0. Not even a fifteen foot tall and 15,000 pound hamster could have stopped that power play.

Half way through first period of Wings-Pens Game 2 and I have not seen the Dos Equis guy once. He must be scared of me. Bearded bastard!

The Nationals lost their sixth in a row today. They are on pace to lose 119. The '62 Mets lost 120. I say go for 121!! Then go to Montreal.

Movie Review: Terminator Salvation

So I must be in a pissed off mood tonight, which I am. I am royally pissed. I won't get into it on this post in order to protect the supposed innocent, I will just take it out on my subject matter(s) for this evening.

As stated in a previous post, I went to see Terminator: Salvation this afternoon. It was the first movie that I have ever gone to where I wanted to leave half way through it, demand my money back, and set fire to the theatre on the way out the door. I wanted to go home and take a shower in order to remove the endless mound of slime that this movie vomitted all over me during the 114 minutes of endless agony that it created. It was so bad that I began to laugh (along with half the audience) at every stupid action scene or example of poor dialogue uttered.

A five year old could have written the script for this utter garbage. The dialogue was so ridiculous, foolish, and cliched that I would love to go on a campaign to make sure that the writers never ever work again. Ever. Trust me, it was as bad as every movie starring Burt Reynolds or Van Diesel. Random typing of words on a keyboard could have created a better script.

Christian Bale was great in American Psycho, however, he is more than awful in this film. He (to his defense) was given miserable lines to utter. Despite this, it is no excuse for a completely shallow performance. There were no acting stand outs in this film except for being utterly horrible. Most characters were so poorly developed that I began to root for the killer robots (who did a better acting job) to kill all of them. I felt that if this group of people were the last people living then we should just give ourselves over to the killer robots now. I kept sitting in my chair choking on my over salted popcorn muttering "Please die" over and over thinking that if they all die then maybe the horror show of this movie would mercifully end soon.

The plot of the film was so disjointed, disconnected, tangential, and absurd that I felt that a movie featuring giant hamsters wiping out Kansas City made more sense and had better merit. In my hamster movie, the hamster named Charlie gets shot up full of HGH and female hormones and ends up growing to fifteen feet tall and 15,000 tons. After the hamster's girlfriend gets killed by North Korean terrorists dressed in Mickey Mouse masks in a failed bank robbery, Charlie goes insane and demands revenge by taking out Kansas City. Charlie eventually gets killed off after trying to eat a giant radioactive cheese ball. See! My idea is so much better than this movie where nothing seemed plausible or make any bit of rational sense. The heroes of this film should have been killed 1,000 times over, but the killer robots seemed to want to try to kill them in the same manner that the Los Angeles Lakers play half their play-off games this year (re: inept, inconsistent, foolish, uninspired and idiotic).

The saddest thing of all is the fact that I have never been so bored in an action film before. I was so bored watching stuff explode that I felt like I needed an eight ball just to stay awake.

In the end, I will never be able to get those lost 114 minutes back in my life. I will remember the utter horror of this film (even though the last thirty minutes was comic genius....only it was not meant to be funny) on my death bed. I will have nightmares of Christian Bale barking bad dialogue into a scratchy microphone or of a likeness of AHHHnold tearing everything apart at the end of the film. The last scene gave us the hint that we will have a sequel to this shit fest. If that happens, I will make that hamster film after all.

Went to see the new Terminator movie. Worst movie I've ever seen. My idea of giant hamsters destroying Kansas City has more merit.

Please forgive me for the insanity of trying to put a reasonable post up in 12 texts all with no more than 160 characters each. See! I am the most interesting!

The Lakers Have Two Teams

So the Lakers win another conference title. They somehow won Game 6 in Denver and Kobe was not distracted by some hotel hottie or small animals like hamsters or some such shit. Watching Magic Johnson's bloated head spilling information as useless as my beat up car made me wonder whether or not he ever had HIV at all. It was all some sinister plot anyways to become the Dos Equis guy. All in all I am absolutely convinced that I should be the Dos Equis guy. I'm younger. I'm stronger. I'm more unstable. And more importantly I am hundred times more interesting. However I digress or degress (whatever it doesn't matter does it). The Lakers are two totally different teams. The first team is called Kobe and the Lakers. That team stands around and waits for Kobe to either take over the game or flame out or snort coke off a Laker girls breasts. That team is inconsistent, frustrating and boring. So frustrating that even Jackie Nicholson feels like choking on a baked potato--on purpose. The second Laker team we saw tonight. They have role players who are actively involved, appear interested, and look like they want to actually win. They play to their potential. They become so unstoppable that not even Stan Van Gundy's rambling garbled tangential speeches can stop them. No team can stop the second Laker team for four games in a seven game series. Except when they revert back to the first team. We should send the first Laker team to North Korea to solve the nuclear crisis before it gets out of

hand. Wait a minute. It already is out of hand. The only thing they can do now is to bore them into submission which would not take much. All that is needed is a vampire, a shotgun, and a roll of paper towels.

I have no idea why no one else has brought this up but since LeBron James has gained 400 pounds in muscle in the last year I think he's juicing.

So the 4th quarter of the Cavs and Magic has started. Soon the nightmare of listening to Marv Albert's oversexed toupee will soon be over

I would like to start a new campaign. A new website devoted to sending the Washington Nationals back to Montreal. They had the best uniforms in the 80's

I wonder what the Dos Equis guy is doing right now. Combing his chest hair? Smoking blunts? Surfing for porn on the net? How interesting!

So imagine that North Korea is a hot vacation spot. Who can't have a fun where there is no electricity, running water, and cat is a good meal?

So the Cavs are up by 16 early which means we will have to listen to Marv Alberts talking toupee hit on Reggie Miller with deep longing.

If I see another ad for the new show "Hawthorne" I'm going to start my own show called "Jaded Communist Bastard" starring Bryant Gumbel as himself.

Seriously, why doesn't ESPN report something more important than Tom Brady in light drizzle like how the NBA fixes play off games?

I have decided to plan my next vacation. I plan to tour nuclear weapons attractions in North Korea. I'm sure that they are full of fun!

Since I am back to blog with a vengenance, ESPN reported that Tom Brady practiced in light drizzle. Don't they have anything else to report, like camel races?

Text Messaging Is Fun Boys And Girls

Now the blog master a-holes said that I can post by submitting a text. So ok. Here I am sending a pointless ranting text that will cause mass illiteracy. Not!

I'm Back!!!!

It is late. Very late. Midnight late. My brain is buzzing. I'm coming out of hiatus. I am coming out of hiding. No, not a closet even though everyone who has read this believes that I have some sort of man-crush on Tom Brady. That is another matter all together. I have dealt with the ups and downs of life. I have dealt with having no energy to post anything worth anyone's time in reading it. Matter of fact, all I had to offer was senseless smoking hot messes of ideas that would have likely caused anyone reading it to start wearing Snuggies...during the summer...riding a lawn mower...in Virginia. Dangerous stuff.

So on the day after Tom Brady marked his return to the practice field throwing a football and thousands of cameras clicked, whirled, and drooled away I am finally making my return to this blog. I do not know how it will be. I don't even know if it will make any bit of sense whatsoever. But, I am back. I am better than ever.

No, I'm lying there.

Let's just say that I am back. I am looking for blood. I am looking for subject matter. I want your suggestions. No one is going to escape my return. I am taking revenge. On what I have no clue. I am ready to go after anyone, anywhere, at any time. It does not matter. I have been saving my ranting energy up for this run. I will even go after the Dos Equis guy. Why? Because I am the most interesting man in the world and I have had more awkward moments than anyone and others obviously live vicariously through me.

All Hail The Snuggie!

It has been an awfully long month and ten or so days. I have been in the basement for the entire time waiting for Tom Brady to come out and do something stupid. That did not happen...yet. I was waiting for Matt Leinart to get caught on some fools Blackberry Storm video in another hot tub with seventeen year old SoCal co-eds with the wrong end of a beer bong shoved down his throat. That hasn't happened as far as I know. Instead his team the Arizona Cardinals inexplicably are in a conference championship game led by a the biggest Jesus freak in NFL history. Tom Brady, for his defense, is still trying to rehab from a knee surgery that his family vet completed some months ago after a feigned injury in the first game of the year. We will find out when he is trying to get into the Hall of Fame that he actually got injured in his S&M chamber.

We are now getting ready to actually put a new President in the White House. The end of one of the worst segments in American history might actually be over. I have been increasingly convinced that the last years was an absolute nightmare of epic proportions and I have little hope that anything will happen to break the spell...at least in the next two to three years. To watch one of the great companies of the last twenty five years, Circuit City, all of the sudden implode and thus causing 35,000 additional jobs to be lost. Whose counting...aren't we now up to three million or so lost jobs? Watching Circuit City blow up like Lindsey Lohan after a three day coke binge was sad. Watching the Farewell (and Good Riddance) President Asterisk tour wind down with impeccably staged and banal speeches was re-traumatizing. I did not need to see that. I was better off watching re-runs of the Cosby Show on some distant channel. I don't frankly know which is worse...watching President Asterisk state with absolutely no sense of guilt or shame or empathy or anything resembles humanity that he may or may not have made mistakes and that some people say that he made the wrong choices or watching his Vice President nod off during the thirteen minutes of his speech the other night in the White House. Was he nodding off when he shot someone on a hunting trip? In my wildest dreams I hope to see both of them wearing Snuggies getting on the helicopter out of town so they can meet the Mother Ship that will take them to the alien hot bed of Texas. Of course I could dream. Meanwhile President Oprah will now take the reigns of one of the biggest messes that any President has probably ever taken on. I wonder if it's too late to turn down the job offer. He's pissed enough already about having to maybe give up his Blackberry (He shouldn't. I wouldn't.) That might be a deal breaker right there. I can hear him saying the following: "It's OK that the economy is in the worst shape in seventy years and we are hated the world over and we have been locked into wars with no end and Jim Rice made it into the baseball Hall of Fame, but if I can't keep my Blackberry Curve then I am not taking the job. Take this job and shove it." He gets sworn in on Tuesday. It's not too late. If he doesn't get sworn in then what happens? Does the Sham-Wow guy get it? What about the person who thought that the Snuggie would make an excellent gift for...Halloween when you want to dress up for the next Star Trek convention or be beamed up.

So we are a few weeks from the Super Bowl. We have the Ravens and the Steelers in one game which will resemble a fifty car pile-up on a foggy interstate in California and the Cardinals and the Eagles that will resemble a carnival ride in Berlin. I am somewhat surprised that the Ravens are in the conference final after somehow taking advantage of one of the biggest choke jobs in history as the Titans found every way to blow the game with turn overs, penalties, and paying off the referees to ignore the play clock on a key third down play. I do not expect the Steelers to blow it as big as the Titans, but it is possible. There is precedence of the Steelers tanking a conference championship game that they should win. Maybe Big Ben's post motor cycle accident syndrome we hit him and he'll choke and throw like three picks while the Unibrow wearing Joe Flacco manages the game (circa Trent Dilfer) and Ed Reed runs a pick back for a TD. It could happen, but I sort of doubt it. The Cardinals are an interesting story. They get destroyed late in the season by the Eagles and in the snow to the Evil Empire. Everyone (except me) picked the Falcons to beat them. What do they do? They shock Carolina (which was over-rated anyways) in Charlotte and end up hosting the Eagles. Kurt Warner is on his way to his own Snuggie ad when his career is over. I see it happening. What I am hoping for is that he gets beamed up to purgatory during the game allowing for a hung over Matt Leinart to enter the game. That would be classic. However, I won't be watching because I am preparing for the alien invasion.