The Lakers Have Two Teams

So the Lakers win another conference title. They somehow won Game 6 in Denver and Kobe was not distracted by some hotel hottie or small animals like hamsters or some such shit. Watching Magic Johnson's bloated head spilling information as useless as my beat up car made me wonder whether or not he ever had HIV at all. It was all some sinister plot anyways to become the Dos Equis guy. All in all I am absolutely convinced that I should be the Dos Equis guy. I'm younger. I'm stronger. I'm more unstable. And more importantly I am hundred times more interesting. However I digress or degress (whatever it doesn't matter does it). The Lakers are two totally different teams. The first team is called Kobe and the Lakers. That team stands around and waits for Kobe to either take over the game or flame out or snort coke off a Laker girls breasts. That team is inconsistent, frustrating and boring. So frustrating that even Jackie Nicholson feels like choking on a baked potato--on purpose. The second Laker team we saw tonight. They have role players who are actively involved, appear interested, and look like they want to actually win. They play to their potential. They become so unstoppable that not even Stan Van Gundy's rambling garbled tangential speeches can stop them. No team can stop the second Laker team for four games in a seven game series. Except when they revert back to the first team. We should send the first Laker team to North Korea to solve the nuclear crisis before it gets out of

hand. Wait a minute. It already is out of hand. The only thing they can do now is to bore them into submission which would not take much. All that is needed is a vampire, a shotgun, and a roll of paper towels.

Kobe's Death Look and Your Barry Zito Update

Well, it's Monday and it's 129 degrees in Virginia today and has been for several days. I was riding around the town I live in yesterday afternoon and given the color of the sky (orange) it appeared that I was driving around in Los Angeles. This is not a good sign for anyone who might have breathing difficulties. I like L.A., but not the air. I don't go to L.A. for the air.

Speaking of L.A., the Lakers are playing like the Lakers of 2006 who shot too many jump shots, never would challenge anyone in the paint, get out rebounded by a bigger team, get all the calls to go against them, and Kobe to take all the shots and shoot death laser glances at his own team mates. He shot Pau Gasol, the true NBA MVP this season, several of these glances during the game last night. Despite the fourth quarter where the Lakers tried to make the biggest come back in the history of the Finals (or any other major sporting event) they collectively look like they are in a dream state. The Celtics role players are playing like...role players. The bench has such an edge right now that many did not expect. Going into the series I was hearing everyone say the Lakers were going to win the series. I reluctantly picked them to win, but I was worried about the home court advantage that Boston has and whether or not the Lakers would throw up every time they walked onto the court. I was saying that the Lakers needed to win last night to go even with Boston and go to LA for three. Now, they are down 2-0, the odds are against them (over 90% of teams down 0-2 lose the series), and they would have to win one game in Boston to win the series. The Lakers need to wake up and stop being intimidated like the Hawks were in their first two games. The Lakers face the prospect that they must win three in a row in LA to have a chance. Even if they did that I am having serious doubts that they could win a Game 6 or 7 in Boston. It is really sad to watch this series so far as I do think that the Lakers at their best are the better team. However, they played in a coma during key parts of Game 1 and 2 and lostt badly. Time to wake up before Kobe ends up killing one of his team mates or being accused of sexual assault.

I don't know if I should laugh at Dippy's diary or never ever let him write on this blog again. I am wondering what you think. I'll go with the majority. On one hand, he is funny and has some, let's say, interesting insights. On the flip side, he made several runs at me and took endless numbers of hits from the bong he built in the leaky dark basement in his mother's house. I don't know. I am not sure it's good for a blog guest columnist to go Ricky Williams during writing a blog entry.

As a Braves fan I am so frustrated at the team and the fact that nearly everyone is on the disabled list or has one step away from it. The Braves blew an opprotunity to cut into the Phillies lead and show everyone that they plan on contending for the duration. Instead the bullpen blows every chance they had to hold the lead or tie, someone blows a simple fielding play, and the bats went cold all weekend. It was ugly. The obvious bright spot and the most intriguing story line is Chipper Jones who hit .570 last week, but also has a partially torn quad. Today, the Braves bought the contract of former major league pitcher Brian Lawrence who started for six games for the Mets last year. Where was Mr. Lawrence pitching when the Braves picked him up? The Camden Riversharks of the Independent League. It only gets better. I think the Braves should strongly consider signing Doc Gooden or Kevin Costner to pitch just to round out the starting rotation.

Now for your update:

BARRY ZITO

Barry had two starts this week and actually won a game in Washington yesterday afternoon. However, he pitched nine and a third and gave up eight earned runs. He walked nine batters and struck out three. Luckily, his team mates actually are giving him some run support by getting six runs for him each game. His WHIP for the week was 2.46 and opponents batted .389, which for Barry Ziti is real bad. Just real bad.

W-L: 2-9 ERA: 5.83 WHIP: 1.87 SO: 35

By the way, Barry is five walks behind the league leader in walks with 40. I have watched several Ziti games and I continue to maintain that his mechanics are totally off. He is off balance in his wind up and delivery. His release point is at a different angle depending on what inning he is pitching.

Andruw Jones is still on the DL.

Mark Kotsay is on the DL in Atlanta. No surprise.

I don't want to jinx Chipper.

On The Loose

It is about 10:45 pm Eastern Time and I am overlooking the ocean, half-drunk on damn fine beer, and chatting up the woman in the hotel room next to mine.  It's true.  I am on the loose in Virginia Beach at another conference.  I am all about conferences in locales that also double as resorts.  This is perfect.  The hotel I am at is a distance from the VABeach Boardwalk, which from my oceanfront balcony are glimmering orange lights in the distance.  I am watching F-16 fighter jets buzz the hotel up the street on their way to crash their planes into the Naval Base nearly five miles away.  Boy, the fire is terrific.  The wind has picked up and the salt air feels just like...salt air.  I need more beer.  I'll be right back.

It is now past 10:45 pm.  Still on a hotel balcony overlooking the ocean.  I am still aware of some of my senses.  I can still read the keyboard though I have an overwhelming need to take my clothes off and try to jump into the pool from the balcony.  This explains all those deaths at spring break from people jumping off balconies.  They are drunk and thinking they can fly.  

I just watched Kobe Bryant pick up his first career NBA MVP Award.  I think the whole thing is completely off-base.  Kobe is one of the best players in the league.  He is a Hall of Fame player on the first ballot.  He has a number of rings.  Yet, this year he is not even the MVP of his team.  The MVP on his team is actually Pau Gasol.  In fact, Kobe should just hand over his trophy to Pau right there on the court.  If it was not for Pau then Kobe would be watching Chris Paul of the Hornets lift the award to a bunch of screaming hooligans and an owner who is a sleaze bag in The Big Easy.  Up until the trade that brought Pau to LA, the Lakers were a middle of the road Western Conference team with few folk thinking they could win the title.  Now, the Lakers are a #1 seed in the toughest conference and the team to beat (next to the Celtics) for the title.  Pau gave the Lakers an inside athletic presence and another option on the floor.  Teams could no longer just key on Bryant in order to make someone else beat them.  All the other starters in the floor for the Lakers were shaky and inconsistent at being to provide the help the Kobe needed to lead the Lakers to a higher level than a 45 win team.  Gasol has the athleticism to play in the middle, in the paint, and to clog up the middle on defense.  He has been consistent throughout his time in gang title town which is much more than anyone else on the floor could say (except Kobe).  Furthermore, I am opposed to Kobe getting the MVP when he was openly trying to get himself traded to anywhere but Atlanta because he did not like his team, his coach, and his bosses.  He slammed everyone all summer and now he's the MVP.  What's next?  Naming Roger Clemens as the AL Cy Young this year?

Can someone tell me why I am attracted to women who are completely unavailable at any deeper level?  I chase women who are emotionally, sexually, or intellectually unavailable on a consistent basis (or at all!!!).  This is so ridiculous.  If she is absolutely unavailable (and pretty and smart) then I am attracted to her like a gerbil to a wheel or an addict to a needle.I know that it is totally insane to do this.  However, I have done it more times than I can count.  The worst part of it is that I have married someone who fits this twice already.  Is there a point where I would learn not to commit myself to those people who are not able to commit fully to me?  Is this too much to ask for myself?  I should never be let loose alone in a city with access to beer and women.  Period.  It's bad news in the end.  Trust me.  Gone there too many times and have the cut marks (from broken beer bottles and steak knives) to prove it.  

11:10 pm:  All is quiet.  Except the waves of regret and passion smashing into the shores of my consciousness.  Good grief.  I am a dope.

11:11 pm: When will my neighbor next store come back?  She seems interesting and attractive (and probably totally unavailable, which obviously means that I am in to her even though I just met her thirty minutes ago).  I need to stop.

11:13 pm: The planes have learned their lessons about crashing into the local naval base causing such a beautiful fire.  They have stopped flying all together.  Now I can only hear the waves, the wind, and my sanity crashing on the concrete below.  FORE!!

11:16 pm: What the hell am I doing here?  Where did the UFO come from?  Cut!!!

1:00 am:  What have I been doing for the last hour and a half or so?  Talking to the attractive and interesting woman next store.  That's what.  Also, adding more beers and cigarettes to the mounting count.  Who is counting?  I stopped somewhere around one awhile back.  I am trying to figure out when I need to wake up in the morning to have some visual and physical sanity left.  During my conversation that bordered on being flirty (Is this even a word?) with the woman next store (I am not mentioning names) the battery died on the laptop.  So now I am pathetically typing as the battery is being recharged.  This is the curse of bloggers with laptops.  I did have fun talking to the woman next store (and, yes, it appears that she is also unavailable...I told you...I'm attracted to the unavailable...it's a curse.  I can go hundreds of miles from home and it will still be the same...told you!)

1:10 am:  I forgot.

1:12 am: Uh...I still forgot.

1:15 am: What would happen if?

1:16 am: Don't even think about it.  I know how the mind works.  It twists things into beautiful patterns of rationalizations and innuendos.  It happens every time.  Just stop now.

Go to sleep.

1:18 am: I just remembered what I wanted to write about.  The primaries in North Carolina and Indiana were yesterday.  Oprah Obama won in North Carolina easily and almost pulled out of dramatic comeback in Indiana.  I hate to say it, but I think it is time to end this Democratic race.  I really did not want anyone to pull out because the race was so close.  I have been torn about all the candidates.  However, the writing is on the wall.  Whitewater Hillary is not going to win.  The math does not pan out in her favor.  Eventually, Obama is going to get the delegates that he needs to win the nomination.  It is time for Hillary to bow out.  This was not her year.  We all thought at one point that it would be.  We all planned that she would run in 2008 and she could win it all.  Tough luck and a Kennedy like speaker figure rose from the ranks in rapid succession (you could see it coming as far back as 2002).   I remember when Obama won the election to get into Congress.  I heard him speak and it reminded me of a Kennedy speaking.  It was uplifting, eloquent, and inspiring.  I knew then that many years later he would be on the verge of a big-time White House run.  I said to myself: "He could be President and he, too, could diddle an intern with a cigar."  It is time for Hillary (who also had her own vision for dealing with interns) to fold.  The Dems should now rally together to win what should be an easy election.

1:26 am:  I have done enough for one night.