Everyones Favorite Family Cold War Update

I am still in the midst of a Mountain Dew hang over from last night's celebration of the Hawks keeping their season alive and giving Mike Woodson one more game to coach before his bosses ax him for leading the team to the play-offs. They did it last fall to the Thrashers coach after he led them to their first ever play-off appearance. At least in that case Bob Hartley was actually on speaking terms with the GM. With Coach Baldy it's a different matter.

However, enough about the Hawks.

People have asked for another Family Cold War (that turned hot) update for this week. As it stands today, we in the Fox4NX household are only at about a DefCon 3. That level was reduced from 2 (1 is full-out war) today. It is a fragile peace. Earlier in the week, the superpowers in the home realized (what a shock!) that their world had some significant environmental issues. Russia (my ex) continued to lay out vast amounts of propaganda in order to prove her point that the U.S. (me) was unresponsive, uncaring, emotionally bankrupt, and had stolen all the toilet paper. Again, as with most of Russia's propaganda it took the form of old baggage from several days and weeks ago that she decided that now was the time to unleash it on an unsuspecting world. The U.S. admits that, at times, he is emotionally bankrupt and unresponsive. It is the same song and dance (the waltz at quarter speed) that has been going on since the Treaty of Virginia was enacted in 2002. It was this treaty that led to the current uneasy alliance. However, neither side in each other's opinions has lived up to all the points in that treaty. Thus, the two superpowers are where they are now. In a cyclical blame game of unmet wishes and mandates. The other side wishes not to live up to their end of the deal as long as the other does not in return live up to theirs. So, all the tanks and missiles are lined up across the borders. The current peace of today is as uneasy and fragile as Jennifer Aniston and TomKat.

North Korea (played extremely well by our 12 year old daughter) has ratcheted down it's propaganda in return for favors. After attacking nearly everyone over the previous weekend, Kim Jong Il has decided for the time being that it is not worth it to piss everyone else off. The U.S. denied several requests by North Korea to lift sanctions citing that Kim Jong was only being nice now in order to get what (s)he wanted. So far, very few sanctions have been lifted against North Korea and it is only a matter of time where there will be a RPG battle with Russia over PopTarts and Fanta. The U.S. has decided that in an effort to avoid another full out nuclear attack that he will stay out of any battle involving Russia and North Korea. The U.S. further states that if the czarina of Russia requests aid during a battle over anything involving more than food rations and soda trafficking that it will provide assistance.

FAMILY DEFCON LEVEL: 3 (medium salsa)

Monday Fuming

Some people were a little miffed that I compared our twelve year old daughter to the North Korean dictator and party king, Kim Jong Il. I can understand your concerns, however, I will offer a comparison in my unprofessional opinion between the North Korean dancing missile loving ruler and a twelve year old girl:

(1) Both are ego driven and self-absorbed. 12 year old girls are focused primarily only on their wants and needs while excluding everyone else's. Kim Jong Il will allow his country to collectively starve to death as long as he gets his women, money, and internet porn.

(2) Both are irrational in their decision making. 12 year old girls underestimate the danger of decisions and overestimate their ability to manage whether the dangers are. Kim Jong Il will make every decision possible to alienate the international community and cause every other reasonable country to ostracize his country. Kim Jong Il launches "attacks" at anyone and everyone no matter consequences. Twelve year old girls? DefCon 1 when things are going their way.

(3) Both are moody. Kim Jong Il has crazy mood swings that would make Brit Spears blush. One day he will be a happy clown dancing to old ABBA tunes and watching re-runs of ChiPs. The next day he'll randomly execute dissidents in an erratic angry rant. 12 year old girls are hopelessly hormonal and switch emotional gears as drastically as Roger Clemens fall from grace.

(4) Both are dictators. Kim Jong Il dictates to everyone in his country and in the world what he thinks they should do and he thinks he is always right in his command decisions. Twelve year old girls dictate to everyone in their country what she thinks they should do and she thinks she is always right in her command decisions. No matter what happens both believe that you are wrong.

You may not like the comparison, but any parent who has ever had an adolescent daughter would tell you the same thing. If they didn't they would be lying. The good thing about this is that most of the time 12 year old girls grow out of this stage and become reasonable adults. Kim Jong Il? He'll grow up when he's dead.



Time for another relationship rule. Rule #6. Do not at all costs get married (if you even should) out of fear. Another one of my rules of life is to never negotiate out of fear and instead make deals from a point of strength. If you negotiate out of fear then you are signaling that you do not have enough chips available to play the next hand of poker. You have little to deal with and are at risk for losing more then you can gain. From a position of fear, you are likely to jump into a sucker deal just to get the deal done. Then you have remorse after the fact once all the dust settles. If you deal from a position of strength (even only in perception) then you don't need the deal at all to survive. You have more than enough to deal with. You are in position to gain more than you lose. You are likely to take the best deal because it there are always more than one possible deals. Same in marriage. I am of the opinion that marriage for many people is a pointless legal, medieval, and economic trap. However, if you choose to marry then don't do it because you fear that (a) you can't get anyone else better; (b) you'll never have children; (c) there are no other living options; (d) you will disappoint your family if you don't; or (e) you will lose money, status, or prestige. If you get hitched out fear of any of the above you are a 100 times more likely to end up in any one or many of the above named situations anyways. If you get hitched out of fear then you are more likely to get into a sucker relationship that you will be miserable dealing with. If you get hitched out of fear the other partner will always have the lead in the power differential in the relationship. If you get married out of fear then you don't have enough chips on the table and eventually your spouse will know that and leave you for someone else who does. Trust me. In the end, it's never worth it.



Speaking of Clemens. Roger Clemens linked with country star Mindy McCready? What??? Rocket Roger hooking up with Mindy when she was 15 and he was something like 28? What??? How much more sick and disturbing does this all have to get? First, a steroid and HGH fiend. Now, a sex offender preying on teenage girls? I need more time to rant on this then I have tonight. The biggest thing to say about this is that I do not know how this whole thing could get any worse for Roger the Flasher. But, there's always tomorrow.



Now your Zito-Jones update:

BARRY ZITO

I actually started to feel sorry for this beatnik hippie pot guy until I re-freshed my memory of how much salary he is raking in this year ($14.5 million). Barry made us proud this week by getting lit up twice this week. His line for the week: 6 2/3 innings, 13 earned runs, 13 hits, six walks, two losses.

W-L: 0-6 ERA: 7.53 SO: 11 WHIP: 1.95

ANDRUW JONES

Andruw had a better week than Barry, but not by much. He hit .130 with no homers, one RBI, and eight strike outs this past week. To top it all off he fouled a ball off his calf.

AVG.: .159 HR: 1 RBI: 4

Your Family Cold War Update

This afternoon I figured that I would you provide an update on the Family Cold War. This weekend Kim Jong Il (our twelve year old daughter) launched a pre-emptive "nuclear strike" against the United States (me), Russia (her mother) and China (another family member). This missile strike came with little warning but was not entirely a major surprise either. The first nuclear exchange was between North Korea (Kim Jong Il) and Russia. North Korea launched an ill-advised and haphazard strike (Kim Jong Il's current claim to fame) which led Russia to launch a "missile and tank" barrage in return for being betrayed by an ally. North Korea then launched another all-out strike against a then neutral U.S. whom had sworn themselves to stay out of the fight unless provoked. The U.S coming to Russia's aid then launched another "assault" on North Korea's defenses. In what had to be Kim Jong's finest hour another strike was immediately launched at another ally in China and then in true Jong Il grace demanded to be rescued by China. This led China and Russia to negotiate the possible truce with North Korea while the U.S. and North Korea dueled with air strikes until cooler heads provailed and a "cease fire" was established. Right now, U.S. forces are on DefCon 2 waiting for the next battle despite the fact that it's pigeon holed President is actively debating whether or not any of thi sis worth all the bloodshed. On a positive note, the U.S. and Russia have been talking about their mutual national security interests and have forged a very fragile alliance in defense from North Korea. However, the tanks are all on stand-by and a mild nuclear winter has fallen. Good times have been had by all. We are all waiting for the UN peace keepers so we can all pick them off one by one. At least the family will all be "fighting" against someone else besides each other.