Monday Driving Songs and Emo Hall of Fame

I had a rough Monday morning. I woke up from a dream and ended up acting like a stoner for the next ten hours. I was listening to songs I added to my iPod on Sunday and became inspired by the following tunes:




"You Don't Know Love"-The Editors

This is from their new album that was released in total silence two weeks ago. This band is slowly turning into the most melodramatic alternative band in existence. The lead singers deep voice omits more foreboding than Rush Limbaugh on any given day. The Editors have taken some sort of detour with this album by going straight to using 80's synthesizers. I wonder if they use Aqua Net hair spray?



"This Must Be The Place (Live)"-Talking Heads

This was from the 80's. I think it was used in the closing credits to the movie "Wall Street." That movie along with "Less Than Zero" and "The Breakfast Club" are the prototype 80's movies that completely exemplified white teenage and young adult pretentious angst to the 400th degree. Of course with "Less Than Zero" I did not know that Robert Downey Jr. was actually playing himself and doing all the drugs--for real.



"Hearing Damage"-Thom Yorke

This is from the "New Moon" soundtrack. Overall, this soundtrack is so incredibly melodramatic even I could not stand it beyond five minutes. Thom Yorke is a perfect fit for the soundtrack if you could understand what he is singing about. Then I have to remember that the whole Twilight book and now movie series is supposed to be completely dripping with emo melodrama that is meant to attract teenage girls like OJ Simpson to a Vegas hotel with a sawed off shotgun.
The whole book and movie series will forever go down in the official "Emo" Hall of Fame that Dippy the Pirate Bear wants to create.



"Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"-Billy Joel

The verdict on Billy Joel's coolness is always debatable. One day he is cool and uncool and the next it is vice versa. His songs describe pretentious pitfalls of fake love in some New York City borough. However, when you hear the songs it all seems real to him. Then again, I have no idea how his career lasted as long as it did. And the story of this song means nothing to me and I would only listen to it again if I was as drunk as Billy Joel was writing this song.



"Human Touch"-Bruce Springsteen

God, this song is so incredibly awful. However, because he IS Bruce he can get away with it. If Billy Joel wrote this song his career would have ended with him playing Vegas shows three blocks from the Strip. This song was released in the early 90s when music really jumped the shark and went into a black hole bigger than Pete Rose's gambling debt.



"In This Light And On This Evening"-The Editors

Again, the deep voice. The 80's synthesizers. The Editors are well on their way to the Emo Hall of Fame. Those that are already there are Trent Reznor, Morrissey, Kurt Cobain, and Robert Smith of the Cure.


"Paradise City"-Guns N' Roses

I wonder what history will eventually say about Guns N' Roses. Their rise and fall helped bring about the end of what appeared to be decent rock music in the 90's. I often wonder what would have happened if Axl Rose had not pulled a Ted Kaczynski and disappeared off the planet and then came back when the rest of the band was dead....oh, they aren't dead? Oh, ok. My point being had the band managed to stay together what would have eventually happened? My guess is that they would be headlining the same lounge act in Vegas at the same hole that Billy Joel would have been three blocks off the Strip.

The great thing about Guns N' Roses was that their first hits were songs that describes the city of Los Angeles in the late 80's and early 90's perfectly--through the eyes of a white long red-headed wanna-be rock god. The songs show the train wreck that Los Angeles was and can be for the ill prepared, drug addicted, and the desperate: Dirty, manipulative, shocking, dangerous, and
fake. The West Coast rappers gave us a different picture of Los Angeles that was somewhat similar but with a stronger perspective. Then they started a war with the East Coast rappers in Vegas and that was the end of that. I love L.A.



"Malibu"-Hole

Ah, Courtney Love. The widow of Kurt Cobain, Emo Hall of Famer. Whatever happened to her? Is she still alive? Is she still doing heroin in a back alley in Portland? Is she still stalking Madonna? Actually, Hole was not a bad band and Love actually could write some killer songs. The last time I listened to this song was on a portable CD player (how so late 90's) in 1998 flying from Greensboro, NC to Chicago where I was going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show (yes, this is a true story). The last lines from the song describe most of my past relationships with various train wreck women: "I can't be near you/The light just radiates." The song means as much to me now as it did in 1998. Dating rule #6: Don't date people who are crazier than you are. Trust me. Courtney Love fell victim to this and see what happened?

"Like A Stone"-Audioslave
"No Sound But The Wind"-The Editors
Some emo song about Bella and Edward that I don't know-Some emo artist that I don't know

All these songs are from the Emo Hall of Fame movie "New Moon" (coming out in November!)
They all are melodramatic. They are all insipid. They are all too catchy and messy. The last song is so way way over the top I wanted to run my car into a rescue squad, bite myself on the arm, put the blood into an IV bag, and then find a nice female vampire and give it to her to drink. Of course, I have probably done this multiple times metaphorically. Thanks Stephenie Meyer!

Oh, I no long want to see the two stars from "New Moon" who are in fake real relationship to correspond with their fake fake movie relationship on anymore magazine covers when I go to the grocery store. The relationship will not last. Why? Because they are stars, they are young, and they are probably insane. Anyways, Robert Pattinson (a possible emo Hall of Famer) will get caught in a Vegas hotel elevator with a hooker with only a lamp shade on his head in about six months.


"Closer"-Nine Inch Nails

This is the Emo Hall of Fame theme during the first induction ceremony where they will honor Robert Smith, Kurt Cobain, Trent Reznor, Morrissey, and Stephenie Meyer.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile.

I do not know how long it has been since I have posted anything of any substantive value.

It's been awhile.

Did the Lakers actually win the NBA title with Kobe? (Yes.) Did Michael Jackson really die? (Maybe.) Are the Democrats going to keep the governor's mansion in November in Virginia? (No.)

It's been awhile.

I just finished watching the Falcons play and lose to the Cowboys on the nationally highlighted Fox NFL game. The Falcons proved that they will never win a championship in any of our life times. Most cockroaches will not live through to a Super Bowl championship for the Falcons. What does it matter anyways since we are all going to die in 2012 win the Earth explodes or Michael Jackson returns from the dead in the form of Britany Spear's unborn baby that she will have in 2011? Make amends now, I say.

The debacle of the Falcons rests not on the players. Not really on the coaches. It rests in the hands of upper management. As usual. Upper management continues to drink the water in Atlanta. It's the same water that all of Atlanta's sports teams upper management has done since 1966. That is to basically drink the water and make sure they do everything possible to make personnel moves that will insure that their team will never win a championship. Ever. The Falcons decided in their infinite wisdom to not re-sign three starters on defense from last year. One of which is a Pro Bowler (which kind of means nothing, but it proves my point here). This would have been fine had it not been for the fact that the Falcon's defense was not very good last year and were lucky that they were first in the NFL in offensive rushing, thus protecting the fact they could not stop anyone throwing the ball. Now their defense can't stop anyone who has a real NFL offense (the 49ers and Panthers don't have real offenses-they are CFL caliber at best). Keith Brooking, the Falcon's mainstay linebacker who had played for them for 2000 years was dancing around with glee like a 16 year old girl in his nice white Cowboys uniform as they were laying waste to Atlanta like Ice Cube in a LA pot dispensary. Sad. So the vaunted upper management of the Falcons have done what the Hawks, Thrashers, and Braves have done. Spend just enough money to be competitive, but not enough to actually win anything. The Thrashers made their one play-off appearance a few years ago and got swept in four games and scored (I think) three goals. Then they blew the team up and now are in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference. The Hawks finally won a play-off series last season. Then while every other team ahead of them in the conference loaded up, what did they do? They got Jamal Crawford. Do I need to say any more? And does anyone think that the Garrett Anderson acquisition sent the Braves over the top? Really? I want to know. None of Atlanta sports teams are going anywhere except middle of the pack one step above being mediocre. All because of the water that Atlanta's GM's all seem to be drinking which is as toxic as the make-up that O.J. Simpson has been using in prison.

It's been awhile.

Why?

It's hard to say.

Let's just say that I went to Fuck It mode. Everyone has probably had one period of time in their lives where they went into Fuck It mode. It's a mode where you end up not giving a shit about anything that happens to you or anything or anyone around you. You make stupid decisions and as a result you hurt yourself and the ones you love. You are in such a bad space where you have no idea which end is up and you have no clue who the hell you are anymore. For me, I made some crazy reckless decisions. As a result, it was clear that I did not care enough about myself or anyone else to pull out of a downward spiral I apparently was in. That was my Fuck It mode where I had more in common with Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Mike Tyson, and Steve McNair than I did with Tom Brady, Coach Hoodie, and the baby from the E-Trade commercials. I'm deeply sorry for those I hurt along the way.

It's been awhile.

I am now healthier. I am now wiser (I hope).

To those who stuck with me (and you know who you are)...I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me. For those who chose to abandon me I want you to know that there is such a thing as a karma and it can be a bitch (just ask OJ and Mike Tyson).

With 3 touchdowns Ricky Williams sure laid down the blunts this past week. Tony Sparano with his sunglasses at night? Yep, he hit the bong.

Speaking of bad porn, Dippy just shot a porn scene in which he was tied to a tree, had orange juice poured on him, and then a swarm of bees.

The Falcons defense is as filled with holes as Tony Montana was after the last scene of Scarface. Truly horrible in a bad porn sort of way

The Falcons should be embarrassed. They are worse than the Raiders. They are as putrid as Dippy after a three week bender of meth.

I am now promising to write one blog column a week. I have no clue what the hell I am going to write about. Anyone have any ideas out there?

I have neglected my blog long enough. I need to take some Ritalin or kitty Prozac or something and start writing something once a week.

Please keep those hockey team ideas coming!!! My fandom of a NHL team is up for free agency. Willing to take a flyer on a real live team!!

I have already gotten one suggestion for an actual real authentic hockey team to root for since the Thrashers are as putrid as bad sex.

My fantasy football teams combined 11-6-1 is as deceiving as the Redskins and Raiders 2-4 records. All the records hide how bad they are.

Cal-Berkeley, a state school, will be taking more out of state students over in-state kids in order to make up for budget cuts. A new low!

Since I am now a hockey fan free agent I am looking for suggestions for a real hockey team to root for where the owners actually want to win

The Atlanta Thrashers owners have screwed over the team by their ineptitude. I am a hockey team fan free agent ready to go for any team.

I am trying hard to decide who I am going to vote for in the Afghan run off. This Abdullah Abdullah guy sounds fun. I'm writing in Dippy.

I did ask very politely that the furnace guy leave his hunting knive, rope, shotgun, and LSD laced pot in his truck before coming in. Fun!!

The furnace fix-it guy came today. He looked like he had pulled an all nighter at a West Virginia truck stop that is also a bad strip club.

I am an Atlanta sports fan and even I want the Thrashers to leave town and move to Hartford. The owners don't care about the team or fans.

The furnace fix it guy just called saying that he will be here between now and next Thursday pm. Right after meeting his parole officer.

Uh oh! The Dodgers just lost and now are down 3-1 to Philly. I need to start calling rehab centers for Dippy. Any place do sex detox?

Dippy the Pirate Bear called saying that he wants to call plays for the Redskins. Told him that if he OD'd he would do better than Jim Zorn.

Tomorrow the furnace repair people are coming to my house. I'm the "second" call of the day. This means they will be here by 4 am Thursday.

Falcons corner Brian Williams (the news anchor?) is out for the season from a defense that is as putrid as dog food. Is Deion available?

It appears that the Denver Broncos are going to win another game. Coached by a high school junior. Kyle "What's a comb?" Orton is the QB.

How did the Raiders become better than the Redskins? Even Tom Cable who tried to murder one of his assistants is a better coach than Zorn.

Pot Guy called me to ask who would win a game between the Redskins and Tom Brady by himself. I told him Brady would win by two touchdowns.

Hall of Fame quarterback Vince Young's stats this season so far: 0 completions in 5 attempts with 1 pick. This guy is the next Dan Marino!

When was the last time the Falcons actually won a regular season prime time nationally televised game? When Bartkowski was the quarterback?

Just talked Dippy off the balcony ledge by promising that Orel Hershiser and Kirk Gibson will be playing for the Dodgers in Game 4.

Dippy the Pirate Bear just called saying that he is on 14th floor of the Va Beach Wyndham ready to jump off the balcony after watching the Dodgers game.

The Falcons made that touchdown look easy. Dippy the Pirate Bear and my "after" senior prom date are the only people easier. Except with Dippy you have to pay.

So which Falcons team will show up now? The Guns and Roses Falcons or the U2 Falcons? I have been down this road too many times before.

I am having serious flashbacks of watching the Falcons implode in the 4th quarter as I am trying to watch this game. I need more Vicodin.

Bears just gave away a gift 12 man on the field penalty to give the Falcons a first down. My senior prom date never gave anything away easy.

Incredible goal line stand by the Falcons. The defense forces two straight fumbles from Forte. Only my senior prom date had better defense

Stopped in Staunton, the meth capital of Virginia, for some on the road munchies so that we can survive. Wake me up when we're outta this dump.

On the way to Front Royal. The weather is turning cold, rainy, and damp. Time for post-season baseball, walks on the beach, and many beers.

00:09: Report from the I-95 overpass guard rail is that the "subject has psych issues." No! Really? I mean really? Dippy? Psych? Ha!

00:01: Dippy the Pirate Bear is found by police in Richmond in an alley. On him were 706 orange tic tacs, vodka, a razor, and someones bra.

23:55: Call for Richmond PD to investigate man on the I-95 overpass standing on the second guard rail. It must be Dippy coming off a bender!

2352: Of course if it happens in Richmond anywhere on the Midlothian Turnpike there probably is much more involved than alcohol. Crack? Tic Tacs? Meth? Cats

23:45: Richmond PD called to a "domestic" incident on Midlothian Turnpike with alcohol involved. When is alcohol NOT involved in a domestic?

Confused woman looking for infant nail clippers, drug idled woman with bad dye job asking how to treat a chemical burn, and "have you ever seen the rain?"...

Pharmacies at this hour are very interesting. People in surgical masks, stranded people from ER, people simply...waiting for the end of time

Dippy just called to ask if Ricky Williams knows where ALL the 800 pot dispensaries in Los Angeles are located. I'm sure the answer is yes.

Ricky Williams still wears a black visor on his helmet. Does anyone know if he still is smoking tons and tons of pot on a daily basis?

Is the pale white guy in the Cialis ad that tells about the side effects and to make sure we are healthy for sex totally pussy whipped? Yes!

Is it possible that the Atlanta Falcons have BOTH a franchise quarterback and a rising Top 5 NFL wide out? The best Falcon WR prior to now was Andre Rison.

Obviously J-Lo and J-Lo's untalented husband stand up and clap madly only when the cameras are on them. They have no clue what's going on.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called let me know that he has been celebrating the Dodgers series victory by drinking nothing but Stoli for three days.

I have gotten five out of thirteen pro picks correct this week. Today I got a visit from a tall 6 foot bunny with a sawed off shotgun. Fun!

The Dolphins are wearing some hideous orange jerseys tonight. They really should be sponsored by Orange Crush. Isn't their stadium named after a beer?

I get the Yankees as being a top trending topic on Twitter. But Vince Young? After throwing three completions to the ground, no wonder!

Another classic performance by Vince Young. Zero completions in three throws. I wonder if his dogs ever went to the 757 to fight Vick's dogs

Vince Young first pass, a tight spiral caught by the ground. Excellent throw and catch by Young and the ground there. Great execution there.

Vince Young will be coming in for an obviously drunk and high Kerry Collins for the Titans. He is the greatest quarterback ever to play in the NFL.

Its time for Vince Young to get into the game. He is a definite Hall of Famer right now. He is better than Montana, Brady, and both Mannings

Peyton Manning is single handedly saving my fantasy team right now from utter destruction on the scale of Dippy the Pirate Bear and Vicodin.

Goodbye to the Baggie Dome for the Twins. Too bad the fans aren't tearing up the place to take home with them like they would in New York

Andrea Kramer looks extremely yellow. I am wondering if she is in full liver failure. Obviously by how yellow she is, she has juandice.

This Wendy's ad I just watched made me want to run out, get a triple burger, go to a strip club, make it rain, and drive my car in reverse.

I thought that I was having a horrible acid flashback when I started watching the Broncos brown and yellow uniforms today. Then I realized it was all real.

Does placing large bets on pre-season NBA games make me a gambling degenerate? Is it worse that I put up my car betting on the WNBA Finals?

Damn! The Hawks lost by nine to the Pistons in the pre-season game. I had a ton of money on that game. Now I need witness protection.

Well, I thought my fantasy teams were good. They are now as putrid as a body that has been left in the water for about three weeks. Fun times!

Can we now admit that this is a rebuilding year at Georgia after getting mauled by Rocky Top? My cat could have played better defense.

Could it get any worse today for the Bay Area? 49ers and Raiders lose by a combined 89-17 score. Al Davis calling the plays next week?

So just when I started to bet against the Falcons they dismantle a feisty 49er team. My bookie has sent his goons with guns after me. Fun!

In the NBA fantasy draft I have the 2nd pick. I should draft someone like Marcus Camby or Sam Young with my 1st pick. That would be awesome!!!

I tried to get kicked out of the league after being forced to take 3 Thunder players by making comments about oral sex, Lindsey Lohan, and cat litter.

Going into 2nd NBA fantasy draft of the night after first one sucked as badly as getting a hummer from Liza Minnelli or Cher after 80 beers.

You absolutely can not be both a fan of the Dodgers and the Angels. Especially true for the Crips and Bloods. Bloods=Angels. Crips=Dodgers.

I'm sure most every NBA player knows this (especially the Clippers), but there are at least 7 pot dispensaries near the LA Staples Center.

Watching the Red Sox-Angels game. Wondering how many pot dispensaries there are near Angel Stadium. Bet Cheech and Chong would know for sure.

Just for giggles..heh..heh...there are at least 12 pot shops in close proximity to the LA International airport and 5 around Dodger Stadium.

For everyones convenience, the LA Times has a map of all the pot shops in Los Angeles. Interesting that there are only two in Compton. Fun!

Over 800 pot dispensaries in Los Angeles? No wonder NBA players all love to come to the City of Angels. Or is it the City of Tree? Or the blunt?

Headline story in LA Times this evening is that the over 800 medical weed "dispensaries" are now illegal. Over 800 tree shops? I love LA!

At the lame Minneapolis hotel bar I'm sure my party and I pissed everyone off by yelling "YeH" every five minutes and asking where Prince was.

This time last year I was in a Minneapolis hotel slowing going insane while visiting the lame hotel bar for hours at a time. Good times!

If I keep on making bad bets on hockey games and the Canadian Football League I will end up in a new career: drug mule and porn director.

If I keep on making bad bets on hockey games and the Canadian Football League I will end up in a new career: drug mule and porn director.

I am now completely convinced that Brett Favre is doing the juice and pumping himself full of HGH, Vicodin, and female fertility drugs.

Can someone tell me why the state of California has 3 National Hockey League teams? The state is bankrupt and about to fall into the sea.

I'm serious. Can the Braves get Ron Gardenhire to manage the team after Bobby Cox either retires, gets arrested for DUI, or kills a reporter?

Brad Childress looks more and more like someone who might end up stalking Faith Hill, running some illegal porn ring, or obsessing over Troy Polamalu's hair.

The Packers-Vikings game is turning into a very ugly prison shower scene and Brett Favre is the evil warden. Parents, put the kids to bed.

12:14 am: Quote from Redd Foxx: "A girls legs are her best friends, but even the best of friends must part." Man, Redd is a dirty dead man!

12:10 am: Richmond rescue squad sent out for a 79 year old man who is claiming to have a heart attack. It must be either Redd Foxx or Dippy's dad.

11:59: Richmond PD are called to deal with a man in jeans wandering around the front of a Lowes. Sounds very dicey to me. He could be an alien in a Snuggie.

11:42: Pittsburgh despite themselves manages to beat the Chargers. On NBC, Tony Dungy is looking like he wants to punch out Rodney Harrison.

11:38: Lost feed to Richmond and have switched to Los Angeles where apparently Dippy is leading his 400th high speed car chase on the 405.

11:28 pm: Russia announces they have 590 cases of the swine flu. Russia's flu season lasts from June 1st to June 1st. Do they have flu shots?

11:21 pm: Richmond PD gets third call for a "suicidal subject" in the last 15 minutes. They must have heard that Jason Campbell is still QB of the Redskins.

11:15 pm: Chargers are trying to make a miracle comeback in Pittsburgh. By closing the gap to seven. Mike Tomlin looks like he is going to set himself on fire.

11:13 pm: RPD called out to the Motel 6, I stayed at while hiding out after being chased by Dippy the Pirate Bear's stripper girlfriend.

I was listening to the Richmond scanner feed and heard a call for a fire truck for a dumpster fire. Wow! They must have found my life again

Huge fantasy football pet peeve: "Owners" who forget to look at their teams before a bye week and leave players in their line up even though they aren't playing

My once putrid fantasy football teams suddenly do not look so bad anymore after some easy wins this weekend. It must be the new medications.

The New England Patriots are like the Chelsea EPL team. They get all the ticky tac calls from the refs and get more chances to score than anyone.

When was the last time an Atlanta Falcons player was featured in a national TV ad who has not been arrested or was hocking a strip club?

It's a very long day when your time in the checkout line takes longer than getting the groceries. Then they give you the Death Star of carts to go to the car.

You know you are in deep trouble when the grocery store resembles a scene from "Apocalypse Now." Oh, the horror, the horror.

I have to say that I'm very impressed by the Washington Capitals. They have tons of offense and speed. They score more than a Russian hooker.

At this pace the Capitals may score goals in this game than the number of touchdowns the Redskins have scored all season. Fun times for all!

Another Ovechkin goal, his second tonight. He might get two hookers tonight! If he gets a hat trick he might even score a few eight balls!

Can anyone tell me what will happen with the "undeclared" enriched uranium that isn't going to Russia? Giant fireworks? Go-Kart fuel?

Iran has just agreed to send "declared enriched uranium" to Russia to convert to fuel. Does anyone else think that this is really bad idea?

Washington Capitals look strong early against a good Bruins team in their house. Ovechkin has a goal and is thinking of getting a hooker.