Monday Driving Songs and Emo Hall of Fame

I had a rough Monday morning. I woke up from a dream and ended up acting like a stoner for the next ten hours. I was listening to songs I added to my iPod on Sunday and became inspired by the following tunes:




"You Don't Know Love"-The Editors

This is from their new album that was released in total silence two weeks ago. This band is slowly turning into the most melodramatic alternative band in existence. The lead singers deep voice omits more foreboding than Rush Limbaugh on any given day. The Editors have taken some sort of detour with this album by going straight to using 80's synthesizers. I wonder if they use Aqua Net hair spray?



"This Must Be The Place (Live)"-Talking Heads

This was from the 80's. I think it was used in the closing credits to the movie "Wall Street." That movie along with "Less Than Zero" and "The Breakfast Club" are the prototype 80's movies that completely exemplified white teenage and young adult pretentious angst to the 400th degree. Of course with "Less Than Zero" I did not know that Robert Downey Jr. was actually playing himself and doing all the drugs--for real.



"Hearing Damage"-Thom Yorke

This is from the "New Moon" soundtrack. Overall, this soundtrack is so incredibly melodramatic even I could not stand it beyond five minutes. Thom Yorke is a perfect fit for the soundtrack if you could understand what he is singing about. Then I have to remember that the whole Twilight book and now movie series is supposed to be completely dripping with emo melodrama that is meant to attract teenage girls like OJ Simpson to a Vegas hotel with a sawed off shotgun.
The whole book and movie series will forever go down in the official "Emo" Hall of Fame that Dippy the Pirate Bear wants to create.



"Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"-Billy Joel

The verdict on Billy Joel's coolness is always debatable. One day he is cool and uncool and the next it is vice versa. His songs describe pretentious pitfalls of fake love in some New York City borough. However, when you hear the songs it all seems real to him. Then again, I have no idea how his career lasted as long as it did. And the story of this song means nothing to me and I would only listen to it again if I was as drunk as Billy Joel was writing this song.



"Human Touch"-Bruce Springsteen

God, this song is so incredibly awful. However, because he IS Bruce he can get away with it. If Billy Joel wrote this song his career would have ended with him playing Vegas shows three blocks from the Strip. This song was released in the early 90s when music really jumped the shark and went into a black hole bigger than Pete Rose's gambling debt.



"In This Light And On This Evening"-The Editors

Again, the deep voice. The 80's synthesizers. The Editors are well on their way to the Emo Hall of Fame. Those that are already there are Trent Reznor, Morrissey, Kurt Cobain, and Robert Smith of the Cure.


"Paradise City"-Guns N' Roses

I wonder what history will eventually say about Guns N' Roses. Their rise and fall helped bring about the end of what appeared to be decent rock music in the 90's. I often wonder what would have happened if Axl Rose had not pulled a Ted Kaczynski and disappeared off the planet and then came back when the rest of the band was dead....oh, they aren't dead? Oh, ok. My point being had the band managed to stay together what would have eventually happened? My guess is that they would be headlining the same lounge act in Vegas at the same hole that Billy Joel would have been three blocks off the Strip.

The great thing about Guns N' Roses was that their first hits were songs that describes the city of Los Angeles in the late 80's and early 90's perfectly--through the eyes of a white long red-headed wanna-be rock god. The songs show the train wreck that Los Angeles was and can be for the ill prepared, drug addicted, and the desperate: Dirty, manipulative, shocking, dangerous, and
fake. The West Coast rappers gave us a different picture of Los Angeles that was somewhat similar but with a stronger perspective. Then they started a war with the East Coast rappers in Vegas and that was the end of that. I love L.A.



"Malibu"-Hole

Ah, Courtney Love. The widow of Kurt Cobain, Emo Hall of Famer. Whatever happened to her? Is she still alive? Is she still doing heroin in a back alley in Portland? Is she still stalking Madonna? Actually, Hole was not a bad band and Love actually could write some killer songs. The last time I listened to this song was on a portable CD player (how so late 90's) in 1998 flying from Greensboro, NC to Chicago where I was going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show (yes, this is a true story). The last lines from the song describe most of my past relationships with various train wreck women: "I can't be near you/The light just radiates." The song means as much to me now as it did in 1998. Dating rule #6: Don't date people who are crazier than you are. Trust me. Courtney Love fell victim to this and see what happened?

"Like A Stone"-Audioslave
"No Sound But The Wind"-The Editors
Some emo song about Bella and Edward that I don't know-Some emo artist that I don't know

All these songs are from the Emo Hall of Fame movie "New Moon" (coming out in November!)
They all are melodramatic. They are all insipid. They are all too catchy and messy. The last song is so way way over the top I wanted to run my car into a rescue squad, bite myself on the arm, put the blood into an IV bag, and then find a nice female vampire and give it to her to drink. Of course, I have probably done this multiple times metaphorically. Thanks Stephenie Meyer!

Oh, I no long want to see the two stars from "New Moon" who are in fake real relationship to correspond with their fake fake movie relationship on anymore magazine covers when I go to the grocery store. The relationship will not last. Why? Because they are stars, they are young, and they are probably insane. Anyways, Robert Pattinson (a possible emo Hall of Famer) will get caught in a Vegas hotel elevator with a hooker with only a lamp shade on his head in about six months.


"Closer"-Nine Inch Nails

This is the Emo Hall of Fame theme during the first induction ceremony where they will honor Robert Smith, Kurt Cobain, Trent Reznor, Morrissey, and Stephenie Meyer.

It's Been Awhile

It's been awhile.

I do not know how long it has been since I have posted anything of any substantive value.

It's been awhile.

Did the Lakers actually win the NBA title with Kobe? (Yes.) Did Michael Jackson really die? (Maybe.) Are the Democrats going to keep the governor's mansion in November in Virginia? (No.)

It's been awhile.

I just finished watching the Falcons play and lose to the Cowboys on the nationally highlighted Fox NFL game. The Falcons proved that they will never win a championship in any of our life times. Most cockroaches will not live through to a Super Bowl championship for the Falcons. What does it matter anyways since we are all going to die in 2012 win the Earth explodes or Michael Jackson returns from the dead in the form of Britany Spear's unborn baby that she will have in 2011? Make amends now, I say.

The debacle of the Falcons rests not on the players. Not really on the coaches. It rests in the hands of upper management. As usual. Upper management continues to drink the water in Atlanta. It's the same water that all of Atlanta's sports teams upper management has done since 1966. That is to basically drink the water and make sure they do everything possible to make personnel moves that will insure that their team will never win a championship. Ever. The Falcons decided in their infinite wisdom to not re-sign three starters on defense from last year. One of which is a Pro Bowler (which kind of means nothing, but it proves my point here). This would have been fine had it not been for the fact that the Falcon's defense was not very good last year and were lucky that they were first in the NFL in offensive rushing, thus protecting the fact they could not stop anyone throwing the ball. Now their defense can't stop anyone who has a real NFL offense (the 49ers and Panthers don't have real offenses-they are CFL caliber at best). Keith Brooking, the Falcon's mainstay linebacker who had played for them for 2000 years was dancing around with glee like a 16 year old girl in his nice white Cowboys uniform as they were laying waste to Atlanta like Ice Cube in a LA pot dispensary. Sad. So the vaunted upper management of the Falcons have done what the Hawks, Thrashers, and Braves have done. Spend just enough money to be competitive, but not enough to actually win anything. The Thrashers made their one play-off appearance a few years ago and got swept in four games and scored (I think) three goals. Then they blew the team up and now are in the bottom third of the Eastern Conference. The Hawks finally won a play-off series last season. Then while every other team ahead of them in the conference loaded up, what did they do? They got Jamal Crawford. Do I need to say any more? And does anyone think that the Garrett Anderson acquisition sent the Braves over the top? Really? I want to know. None of Atlanta sports teams are going anywhere except middle of the pack one step above being mediocre. All because of the water that Atlanta's GM's all seem to be drinking which is as toxic as the make-up that O.J. Simpson has been using in prison.

It's been awhile.

Why?

It's hard to say.

Let's just say that I went to Fuck It mode. Everyone has probably had one period of time in their lives where they went into Fuck It mode. It's a mode where you end up not giving a shit about anything that happens to you or anything or anyone around you. You make stupid decisions and as a result you hurt yourself and the ones you love. You are in such a bad space where you have no idea which end is up and you have no clue who the hell you are anymore. For me, I made some crazy reckless decisions. As a result, it was clear that I did not care enough about myself or anyone else to pull out of a downward spiral I apparently was in. That was my Fuck It mode where I had more in common with Lindsey Lohan, Britney Spears, Mike Tyson, and Steve McNair than I did with Tom Brady, Coach Hoodie, and the baby from the E-Trade commercials. I'm deeply sorry for those I hurt along the way.

It's been awhile.

I am now healthier. I am now wiser (I hope).

To those who stuck with me (and you know who you are)...I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for sticking by me. For those who chose to abandon me I want you to know that there is such a thing as a karma and it can be a bitch (just ask OJ and Mike Tyson).

With 3 touchdowns Ricky Williams sure laid down the blunts this past week. Tony Sparano with his sunglasses at night? Yep, he hit the bong.

Speaking of bad porn, Dippy just shot a porn scene in which he was tied to a tree, had orange juice poured on him, and then a swarm of bees.

The Falcons defense is as filled with holes as Tony Montana was after the last scene of Scarface. Truly horrible in a bad porn sort of way

The Falcons should be embarrassed. They are worse than the Raiders. They are as putrid as Dippy after a three week bender of meth.

I am now promising to write one blog column a week. I have no clue what the hell I am going to write about. Anyone have any ideas out there?

I have neglected my blog long enough. I need to take some Ritalin or kitty Prozac or something and start writing something once a week.

Please keep those hockey team ideas coming!!! My fandom of a NHL team is up for free agency. Willing to take a flyer on a real live team!!

I have already gotten one suggestion for an actual real authentic hockey team to root for since the Thrashers are as putrid as bad sex.

My fantasy football teams combined 11-6-1 is as deceiving as the Redskins and Raiders 2-4 records. All the records hide how bad they are.

Cal-Berkeley, a state school, will be taking more out of state students over in-state kids in order to make up for budget cuts. A new low!

Since I am now a hockey fan free agent I am looking for suggestions for a real hockey team to root for where the owners actually want to win

The Atlanta Thrashers owners have screwed over the team by their ineptitude. I am a hockey team fan free agent ready to go for any team.

I am trying hard to decide who I am going to vote for in the Afghan run off. This Abdullah Abdullah guy sounds fun. I'm writing in Dippy.

I did ask very politely that the furnace guy leave his hunting knive, rope, shotgun, and LSD laced pot in his truck before coming in. Fun!!

The furnace fix-it guy came today. He looked like he had pulled an all nighter at a West Virginia truck stop that is also a bad strip club.

I am an Atlanta sports fan and even I want the Thrashers to leave town and move to Hartford. The owners don't care about the team or fans.

The furnace fix it guy just called saying that he will be here between now and next Thursday pm. Right after meeting his parole officer.

Uh oh! The Dodgers just lost and now are down 3-1 to Philly. I need to start calling rehab centers for Dippy. Any place do sex detox?

Dippy the Pirate Bear called saying that he wants to call plays for the Redskins. Told him that if he OD'd he would do better than Jim Zorn.

Tomorrow the furnace repair people are coming to my house. I'm the "second" call of the day. This means they will be here by 4 am Thursday.

Falcons corner Brian Williams (the news anchor?) is out for the season from a defense that is as putrid as dog food. Is Deion available?

It appears that the Denver Broncos are going to win another game. Coached by a high school junior. Kyle "What's a comb?" Orton is the QB.

How did the Raiders become better than the Redskins? Even Tom Cable who tried to murder one of his assistants is a better coach than Zorn.

Pot Guy called me to ask who would win a game between the Redskins and Tom Brady by himself. I told him Brady would win by two touchdowns.

Hall of Fame quarterback Vince Young's stats this season so far: 0 completions in 5 attempts with 1 pick. This guy is the next Dan Marino!

When was the last time the Falcons actually won a regular season prime time nationally televised game? When Bartkowski was the quarterback?

Just talked Dippy off the balcony ledge by promising that Orel Hershiser and Kirk Gibson will be playing for the Dodgers in Game 4.

Dippy the Pirate Bear just called saying that he is on 14th floor of the Va Beach Wyndham ready to jump off the balcony after watching the Dodgers game.

The Falcons made that touchdown look easy. Dippy the Pirate Bear and my "after" senior prom date are the only people easier. Except with Dippy you have to pay.

So which Falcons team will show up now? The Guns and Roses Falcons or the U2 Falcons? I have been down this road too many times before.

I am having serious flashbacks of watching the Falcons implode in the 4th quarter as I am trying to watch this game. I need more Vicodin.

Bears just gave away a gift 12 man on the field penalty to give the Falcons a first down. My senior prom date never gave anything away easy.

Incredible goal line stand by the Falcons. The defense forces two straight fumbles from Forte. Only my senior prom date had better defense

Stopped in Staunton, the meth capital of Virginia, for some on the road munchies so that we can survive. Wake me up when we're outta this dump.

On the way to Front Royal. The weather is turning cold, rainy, and damp. Time for post-season baseball, walks on the beach, and many beers.

00:09: Report from the I-95 overpass guard rail is that the "subject has psych issues." No! Really? I mean really? Dippy? Psych? Ha!

00:01: Dippy the Pirate Bear is found by police in Richmond in an alley. On him were 706 orange tic tacs, vodka, a razor, and someones bra.

23:55: Call for Richmond PD to investigate man on the I-95 overpass standing on the second guard rail. It must be Dippy coming off a bender!

2352: Of course if it happens in Richmond anywhere on the Midlothian Turnpike there probably is much more involved than alcohol. Crack? Tic Tacs? Meth? Cats

23:45: Richmond PD called to a "domestic" incident on Midlothian Turnpike with alcohol involved. When is alcohol NOT involved in a domestic?

Confused woman looking for infant nail clippers, drug idled woman with bad dye job asking how to treat a chemical burn, and "have you ever seen the rain?"...

Pharmacies at this hour are very interesting. People in surgical masks, stranded people from ER, people simply...waiting for the end of time

Dippy just called to ask if Ricky Williams knows where ALL the 800 pot dispensaries in Los Angeles are located. I'm sure the answer is yes.

Ricky Williams still wears a black visor on his helmet. Does anyone know if he still is smoking tons and tons of pot on a daily basis?

Is the pale white guy in the Cialis ad that tells about the side effects and to make sure we are healthy for sex totally pussy whipped? Yes!

Is it possible that the Atlanta Falcons have BOTH a franchise quarterback and a rising Top 5 NFL wide out? The best Falcon WR prior to now was Andre Rison.

Obviously J-Lo and J-Lo's untalented husband stand up and clap madly only when the cameras are on them. They have no clue what's going on.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called let me know that he has been celebrating the Dodgers series victory by drinking nothing but Stoli for three days.

I have gotten five out of thirteen pro picks correct this week. Today I got a visit from a tall 6 foot bunny with a sawed off shotgun. Fun!

The Dolphins are wearing some hideous orange jerseys tonight. They really should be sponsored by Orange Crush. Isn't their stadium named after a beer?

I get the Yankees as being a top trending topic on Twitter. But Vince Young? After throwing three completions to the ground, no wonder!

Another classic performance by Vince Young. Zero completions in three throws. I wonder if his dogs ever went to the 757 to fight Vick's dogs

Vince Young first pass, a tight spiral caught by the ground. Excellent throw and catch by Young and the ground there. Great execution there.

Vince Young will be coming in for an obviously drunk and high Kerry Collins for the Titans. He is the greatest quarterback ever to play in the NFL.

Its time for Vince Young to get into the game. He is a definite Hall of Famer right now. He is better than Montana, Brady, and both Mannings

Peyton Manning is single handedly saving my fantasy team right now from utter destruction on the scale of Dippy the Pirate Bear and Vicodin.

Goodbye to the Baggie Dome for the Twins. Too bad the fans aren't tearing up the place to take home with them like they would in New York

Andrea Kramer looks extremely yellow. I am wondering if she is in full liver failure. Obviously by how yellow she is, she has juandice.

This Wendy's ad I just watched made me want to run out, get a triple burger, go to a strip club, make it rain, and drive my car in reverse.

I thought that I was having a horrible acid flashback when I started watching the Broncos brown and yellow uniforms today. Then I realized it was all real.

Does placing large bets on pre-season NBA games make me a gambling degenerate? Is it worse that I put up my car betting on the WNBA Finals?

Damn! The Hawks lost by nine to the Pistons in the pre-season game. I had a ton of money on that game. Now I need witness protection.

Well, I thought my fantasy teams were good. They are now as putrid as a body that has been left in the water for about three weeks. Fun times!

Can we now admit that this is a rebuilding year at Georgia after getting mauled by Rocky Top? My cat could have played better defense.

Could it get any worse today for the Bay Area? 49ers and Raiders lose by a combined 89-17 score. Al Davis calling the plays next week?

So just when I started to bet against the Falcons they dismantle a feisty 49er team. My bookie has sent his goons with guns after me. Fun!

In the NBA fantasy draft I have the 2nd pick. I should draft someone like Marcus Camby or Sam Young with my 1st pick. That would be awesome!!!

I tried to get kicked out of the league after being forced to take 3 Thunder players by making comments about oral sex, Lindsey Lohan, and cat litter.

Going into 2nd NBA fantasy draft of the night after first one sucked as badly as getting a hummer from Liza Minnelli or Cher after 80 beers.

You absolutely can not be both a fan of the Dodgers and the Angels. Especially true for the Crips and Bloods. Bloods=Angels. Crips=Dodgers.

I'm sure most every NBA player knows this (especially the Clippers), but there are at least 7 pot dispensaries near the LA Staples Center.

Watching the Red Sox-Angels game. Wondering how many pot dispensaries there are near Angel Stadium. Bet Cheech and Chong would know for sure.

Just for giggles..heh..heh...there are at least 12 pot shops in close proximity to the LA International airport and 5 around Dodger Stadium.

For everyones convenience, the LA Times has a map of all the pot shops in Los Angeles. Interesting that there are only two in Compton. Fun!

Over 800 pot dispensaries in Los Angeles? No wonder NBA players all love to come to the City of Angels. Or is it the City of Tree? Or the blunt?

Headline story in LA Times this evening is that the over 800 medical weed "dispensaries" are now illegal. Over 800 tree shops? I love LA!

At the lame Minneapolis hotel bar I'm sure my party and I pissed everyone off by yelling "YeH" every five minutes and asking where Prince was.

This time last year I was in a Minneapolis hotel slowing going insane while visiting the lame hotel bar for hours at a time. Good times!

If I keep on making bad bets on hockey games and the Canadian Football League I will end up in a new career: drug mule and porn director.

If I keep on making bad bets on hockey games and the Canadian Football League I will end up in a new career: drug mule and porn director.

I am now completely convinced that Brett Favre is doing the juice and pumping himself full of HGH, Vicodin, and female fertility drugs.

Can someone tell me why the state of California has 3 National Hockey League teams? The state is bankrupt and about to fall into the sea.

I'm serious. Can the Braves get Ron Gardenhire to manage the team after Bobby Cox either retires, gets arrested for DUI, or kills a reporter?

Brad Childress looks more and more like someone who might end up stalking Faith Hill, running some illegal porn ring, or obsessing over Troy Polamalu's hair.

The Packers-Vikings game is turning into a very ugly prison shower scene and Brett Favre is the evil warden. Parents, put the kids to bed.

12:14 am: Quote from Redd Foxx: "A girls legs are her best friends, but even the best of friends must part." Man, Redd is a dirty dead man!

12:10 am: Richmond rescue squad sent out for a 79 year old man who is claiming to have a heart attack. It must be either Redd Foxx or Dippy's dad.

11:59: Richmond PD are called to deal with a man in jeans wandering around the front of a Lowes. Sounds very dicey to me. He could be an alien in a Snuggie.

11:42: Pittsburgh despite themselves manages to beat the Chargers. On NBC, Tony Dungy is looking like he wants to punch out Rodney Harrison.

11:38: Lost feed to Richmond and have switched to Los Angeles where apparently Dippy is leading his 400th high speed car chase on the 405.

11:28 pm: Russia announces they have 590 cases of the swine flu. Russia's flu season lasts from June 1st to June 1st. Do they have flu shots?

11:21 pm: Richmond PD gets third call for a "suicidal subject" in the last 15 minutes. They must have heard that Jason Campbell is still QB of the Redskins.

11:15 pm: Chargers are trying to make a miracle comeback in Pittsburgh. By closing the gap to seven. Mike Tomlin looks like he is going to set himself on fire.

11:13 pm: RPD called out to the Motel 6, I stayed at while hiding out after being chased by Dippy the Pirate Bear's stripper girlfriend.

I was listening to the Richmond scanner feed and heard a call for a fire truck for a dumpster fire. Wow! They must have found my life again

Huge fantasy football pet peeve: "Owners" who forget to look at their teams before a bye week and leave players in their line up even though they aren't playing

My once putrid fantasy football teams suddenly do not look so bad anymore after some easy wins this weekend. It must be the new medications.

The New England Patriots are like the Chelsea EPL team. They get all the ticky tac calls from the refs and get more chances to score than anyone.

When was the last time an Atlanta Falcons player was featured in a national TV ad who has not been arrested or was hocking a strip club?

It's a very long day when your time in the checkout line takes longer than getting the groceries. Then they give you the Death Star of carts to go to the car.

You know you are in deep trouble when the grocery store resembles a scene from "Apocalypse Now." Oh, the horror, the horror.

I have to say that I'm very impressed by the Washington Capitals. They have tons of offense and speed. They score more than a Russian hooker.

At this pace the Capitals may score goals in this game than the number of touchdowns the Redskins have scored all season. Fun times for all!

Another Ovechkin goal, his second tonight. He might get two hookers tonight! If he gets a hat trick he might even score a few eight balls!

Can anyone tell me what will happen with the "undeclared" enriched uranium that isn't going to Russia? Giant fireworks? Go-Kart fuel?

Iran has just agreed to send "declared enriched uranium" to Russia to convert to fuel. Does anyone else think that this is really bad idea?

Washington Capitals look strong early against a good Bruins team in their house. Ovechkin has a goal and is thinking of getting a hooker.

Another night, another heartbreaking Braves loss when it means the most. Again under the drunk guy, the Braves do what they always do in big spots--fold.

Can someone tell me why Atlanta still has a NHL team? Nobody in the ATL cares about them. Most people in Georgia think a Thrasher is a monster truck.

Getting ready for the start of the NHL season tomorrow. Oh, right. My team has absolutely no chance at winning anything. None. Ever.

The fact that I am sitting through a day long suicide prevention training in Richmond is dripping with more irony than I can imagine. Fun times!

One of the funniest shows ever on TV? Martha Stewart Living. Remember the show where she set herself on fire? That was classic family TV!

If I had more patience and would not get myself sued every episode I would create a comedic TV gem on par with 60 Minutes, Alf, and Sesame Street.

Family Guy is probably one of the most under rated shows in TV history. There has not been an episode that I didn't laugh like I was criminally insane.

Oh now I get it. That's how they get away with this show and not get killed by a real gang running meth out of the desert. Its a "club" not a gang!! Sure, OK.

Watching this show makes me want to run out and join a motorcycle gang in Cali so I can run guns to Chico, drink excessively, and fall off my bike.

I have trouble watching Ron Perlman on this show as a motorcycle gang leader and not think of him as the Beast in that stupid show from the 80s

I'm watching Sons of Anarchy on FX. So how do Cali motorcycle gangs like being protrayed like Cali motorcycle gangs on TV? My guess it's a party for all!

Yes! Hot Tub With Bong And Underaged Girl King is in the game for a whole two plays. Leinart, you should go back to USC to be their QB

According to ESPNs NFL Coach Approval Ratings Skins coach Jim Zorn has the second lowest rating next to Eric Mangini with 8%. I must agree

We want Leinart! We want Leinart! We want Hot Tub With Bong And Underage Girl King! We won't rest till we see him hung over in the game.

What's not being talked about in tonights game: The Colts found a team in the Cardinals softer than they are. The Cardinals have 24 yards rushing tonight.

Does anyone out there think that Tony Romo will get 35 fantasy points Monday night against Carolina? OK, you can stop laughing anytime now.

Can someone tell me why Matt Leinart has not gotten caught with a bong in a hot tub with underaged girls yet? He's the king of that stuff.

The soft defensive line of the Colts is killing the even softer (like a Snuggie!) Cards line. Maybe we can see Hot Tub King Matt Leinart!

My putrid fantasy football teams are on pace to win all games this weekend. Good thing I did not go Crypt Keeper and start JaMarcus Russell

There is nothing worse than being stalked by a giant rabbit who is hooked on peanut butter cookies and battery acid that you owe money to.

It looks like I will win most of my bets on NFL games today. Great! I did not want to be chased down by a crazy rabbit with an AK-47.

I have one question about the Roman Polanski arrest. Was he arrested wearing a Snuggie? He has sex crazed death cult written all over him.

Found out the Swiss are holding Roman Polanski on a 31 year old warrant for having sex with a minor. The fact it took this long explains why Europe sucks.

Angela Merkel won re-election as Germany's Chancellor today. Does this mean that those silly ads for Volkwagons will continue? Hope not.

Why is it on "Football Night In America" no one speaking actually looks into the camera? Is Al "Crypt Keeper" Davis holding the camera?

You know things are bad when the offense is boo'd as they are take the field. Don't feel bad Raiders. I get boo'd when I go to work too.

When will the Raiders figure out that JaMarcus Russell will never be a NFL quarterback? Wait, we are talking about the Raiders. Right? I guess never.

Statement game for the Falcons? Yes it was! It stated that the Falcons are as close to the Super Bowl as I am to sanity and stability.

There is nothing good to take from the Falcons losing badly in New England. Again, I am reminded again that we are talking about the Falcons

Yep, the Jim Zorn era is now over in Washington. Can't keep your job losing to the Lions. Wasn't Zorn the QB for the Seahawks last season?

It will not take much for me to become fantasy footballs version of either Al Davis or Dan Snyder. Al is El Cid dead. Dan is a king maker.

Because I am totally insane I have three fantasy football teams. Because I am a train wreck they are combined 1-4-1. Putrid as a dead body.

Now that the Nationals have lost their 100th game of the season, can we celebrate by sending them back to Montreal? Can we have a parade?

Other things I learned from Wikipedia: Smurfs were created by someone from Belgium named Peyo in 1958. This is time I will never get back.

I made the mistake of not knowing how to spell "smurf". According to Wikipedia, there were 421 Smurfs episodes. I feel so much better now.

List of people I'd rather see manage the Braves next year: Ice Cube, Lindsey Lohan, Nancy Reagan, Joe Jackson, Carrot Top, and Papa Smurf.

I would rather be eaten alive my several killer rabid turtles than endure another Bobby Cox run Braves season of drunken tirades at umpires.

I really wish that Bobby Cox would retire now. My sanity nor his liver can't make it another year. I wonder which one will give out first?

I wonder what the Plaxico Burress house was like this morning. "Hey son, let's go watch Daddy get handcuffed and sent to prison!!!" Fun!!

Can someone tell me why every time there is a camera shot on Wade Phillips he looks like an escapee from a prison where they shoot everyone up with thorazine?

As I am reading many Falcons comments after todays game they are starting to lose their minds and becoming as irrational as SEC fans by going overboard.

I know I should not run the Falcons. Wanted them to pick Dorsey over Ryan in '08. But they need to know not to draft injury prone D-linemen in the 1st round.

The Cowboys are a mess. They are turning into a carnival act. Does Wade Phillips know what is happening on the field? Does he know what year it is?

I still maintain that the shampoo ads with Troy Polamalu are all very creepy. They still don't reach the level of the E*Trade baby ads, but they are close.

I was wrong folks. It was Nate Newton not Larry Allen. I get my felons confused sometimes. And it was only 213 pounds of pot in a van.

Wait a minute. I just saw Larry Allen at the Cowboy game. Didn't he get arrested a few years back for trafficking 300 pounds of pot in a van?

Evidence that Jerry Jones will go Crypt Keeper in a few years: team sliding into the abyss, bad coach hirings, bad player decisions, and age

Watching Costas interview Jerry Jones earlier convinced me that Jones will be Al Davis crazy in a few years. Mark my words. It will happen.

Dippy just called from LA saying that he ran over someone on the 405. I told him not to worry about it...it was only Keanu Reeves career.

You know you are a total loser when you don't spend the money on a pay per view fight you want to see and instead you follow it on Twitter.

I wonder if UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel bet any money against his own team in this game. He is the Pete Rose of college football with better hair.

Dippy just called to tell me that Los Angeles will end up going up in flames again if UCLA loses tonight after the choke job that USC turned in earlier.

Interesting. Erin Andrews is really toning down the sex appeal after the dreaded peeping tom sex video. Dippy would be pissed if he saw this

With this defense I am so not comfortable with an 11 point lead with 90 seconds left. The Georgia defense plays like a drunk guy after the bars close.

Good news: Georgia has scored 52. Bad news: They have given up 41. The Dawg defense has more holes in it than a condom made in Russia.

I hate it when teams try to settle for a field goal late in a game instead of scoring a touchdown when there is over two minutes left. Ugh!

Georgia is up by eight in the fourth quarter late. Pot Guy is offering some product to deal with my nerves. I've got a blender and a spoon.

Watching an electronic health records software demo. My brain is starting to shows signs of early dementia as I continue to be contaminated.

It seems like a great idea. Take a bunch of stuffed animals, douse them with gas, and light them on fire while tossing them out a ninth floor window.

FREE with your Snugggie! A cyanide pill! You can take it when the signal comes from your iPod that the UFO in the comet is ready for you!

I have been running from the gun wielding 7 foot rabbit. She's mowed down at least eight small animals coming after me. Where is my blender?

I wonder if it is a good idea to wake up one day, turn to your significant other, and say: "I have a great idea. Let's build us a meth lab!"

So I lost my bet on the Raider game last night. Now I'm being hunted down by a 7 ft. rabbit with a Glock and an AK-47 as back-up in her van.

The Chargers need to get it together. If they don't beat the spread then I am going to have sell my organs to pay off my gambling debt.

Personally, I actually loved Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech. He said what we all would have been thinking but would not have the balls to say out loud.

Dippy's pimp called looking for him. She said something about money, the Patriots, Brett Favre, a strap on, and latex. I don't want to know.

In order for me to make some money on this weekends NFL games I need the Chargers to beat the spread against the team of Crypt Keepers. Hmmm

Dippy called to let me know that watching the end of the Patriots game has caused him to call his dealer to ask if he can do some "favors."

Dippy called to let me know that is getting ready for the Raiders season by getting turned down by hookers in Norfolk. Its all connected.

Rule 75: Do not ever over use testosterone gel right before competing in the women's US Open tennis semi-final. Ever. Bad things will happen.

We now do not need Favre any more. We have Cutler who just tried to throw to a receiver being covered by 4 Packers. Just give him some Vicodin and we are set.

Lovie Smith just lost his mind and went for a fake punt on his own 30. That is as smart as letting Tom Cruise be the father of your kid.

Nothing says I love you like going into a rage piling their shoes in the bath tub, throwing some gasoline on them, and lighting them on fire

I think the Left Eye Lopez and Andre Rison relationship was very under rated in it's ability to generate unintentional humor. Fire=Love.

Dippy called to remind me that it was the late Left Eye Lopez who filled a bath tub full of Andre Rison's shoes and lit them on fire. Great!

I've been watching this game for 44 minutes before seeing the first boner ad. They must be slipping! What's with the damn two bath tubs!

It is interesting that no one has yet to talk about the significant racial and ethic overtones in the Serena Williams debacle at the US Open

You know you are getting old when you see a commerical for GE and they are using a sappy bad love song that your first girlfriend used to haunt you with.

Watching the Packers-Bears game and am excited that I'm listening to coherent and organized color commentary on Sunday Night Football.

I have three fantasy football teams. One has Adrian Petersen and the others don't. After one day I can say that the teams that don't are as putrid as a floater

NFL nightmare scenario in Week 1: Donovan McNabb has a broken rib. Uh-oh. At least its not Week 3. Hide all of the animals. You know who is at the door.

Good win for Atlanta against Miami. Some positives (Gonzalez and D) and some negatives (Turner and Elam). I'm as hopeful as a gerbil on HGH

Jake Delhomme played like Rocky Balboa circa Rocky V. Brain is toast. Body is marshmellow. Can't tell the difference between teams jerseys.

Pot Guy called to tell me that can do better than what Jake Delhomme is doing right now. Even if he's stoned out of his mind he's right on.

Biggest thing that the Falcons were hopeful about may be coming true: Tony Gonzalez catches first touch down pass to put them up by sixteen.

The Nationals have to be 14-6 or better in order to avoid losing triple digit numbers again. If that happens then they should go back to Montreal.

Its 2:37 pm and I have not once checked the status of any of the three fantasy football teams I am rolling with. And I'm still sober! Damn!

Can the Carolina Panthers fire their coach at the half of the first game? At home, down 24-7 to Philly in the 2nd. Delhomme: 2 interceptions

Second biggest fear for the Falcons looking like it may come true. Michael Turner has less than 30 yards on 12 carries late in the 1st half.

So which NFL team's season will go up in flames like pinata bathed in gasoline when their quarterback gets injured for the whole season?

Pot Guy just called me to ask me what I thought it might be like to smoke the ashes of Raiders owner Al Davis when he dies. I told him he was already dead.

Another thing about having Hard Knocks with the Raiders every year would be watching their owner the Crypt Keeper make crazy ass decisions.

I would love to watch season after season of HBO's Hard Knocks if it were in Oakland every year. It would be great to watch coaches beat on one another.

I have one question to ask to you all. Would you let me give a speech to all school children? Snuggies for everyone! Let E.T. come home.

Well I did not have to wait long! I'm watching the fashion Snuggie ad which only makes you look more fetching for the killer aliens that are coming.

Apparently, Billy Mays has risen from the dead because I just saw some ad for some sort of super glue thing that he was hocking. Where is the Snuggie spot?

Usually I tend to make outlandish or irreverent statements in my posts. However, today I will temper my comments as I reflect on this day.

I am back in car repair purgatory. I'm in the dealership waiting room straight from a ring of hell. With bad day time TV blaring away.

Its a sad that I am equally as concerned about my fantasy football team playing against my buddy's as my real favorite team playing another friend's favorite.

Because of the old school overtime rules the Steelers win the game despite the fact that they played miserably. The coin toss won the game.

I am thrilled at the start of the NFL season. I am annoyed at the overtime rule of sudden death. I am angry that I'm already in the hole with my bookie.

Did I see two women in the US Open crowd wearing matching dark blue Snuggies. I must be high. Wearing Snuggies screams "UFO Death Cult"

My command of proper grammar in my last few posts is on the same level as a South Carolina beauty pageant queen or a small garden snake.

Soderling is a broken man now. Once you break your racket on purpose on the court then you are 15 day old Oreo cookie left out in the sun.

Roger Federer's domination of tennis is in the same league with in Michael Jordan in basketball and Wayne Gretzky in hockey. It's incredible

This Soderling guy is being royally prison sexed by Federer. I haven't seen someone prison sexed this bad since the TV show "OZ". Painful.

In the better late than never category or why now category, the Braves somehow managed to win a virtually meaningless game, 2-1 in Houston

Oh great. Another creepy moment, yet another boner ad. This time one of the worst for ExtenZe. All of their commericials are creepy bad.

Two creepy moments within ten minutes of each other: Drunk NY guy trying to hug Nadal on the court and the shampoo TV ad with Troy Polamalu.

If Monfils loses this match he'll go totally bat shit and end up at Rikers in solitary confinement for smashing someone with a tennis ball.

7th round of fantasy hockey draft. Now I am drafting people I've never heard of nor say their name correctly. One pick away from the blade.

With my first two fantasy hockey draft I took Iginla and Kovalchuk. This shows that I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I can't say either name correctly

I am preparing for my first fantasy hockey draft. Dippy the Pirate Bear called to say that I should cut myself with the blade of a skate.

Pot Guy called to ask this question: "What if I played Tiger Woods in putt-putt? Since his putting is so bad now I think I can take him."

This Monfils guy keeps mumbling to himself and his hair is all wild. I am convinced that he is an escapee from a prison I worked in once.

Bobby Cox looks so drunk all the time. He can't remember what year it is or which pitcher is in the game. Or the score. He's toasterville.

Is there a web site calling for the firing of Bobby Cox? If not, I should start one. I really do not want a drunk guy managing the Braves.

Watching Nadal-Monfils match and noticed Michael Phelps. He must be a big pot head. Only a pot head would roll with that porn stache (sic).

Dear Miami, why when you are ahead by four with two minutes left hit a squib kick over hitting towards the end zone. This is why Miami is Miami.

No, I am definitely not bitter about the Braves blowing the season this weekend in the same way that Britney Spears blows her trainer(s).

No! I am not bitter that the Braves in the middle of the wild card race got swept by the Reds at home on the way to losing 5 in a row. Nope.

I am convinced that Atlanta sports teams replay their city's Civil War history over and over. When it counts the most they roll over and get burned.

While sober "Bobbie" Cox conceded the Atlanta Braves season. In October he will have more time to drink and dodge sobriety check points.

Dear San Francisco area: Since the Bay Bridge will not be open tomorrow please cancel work, stay home, smoke a lot of tree, and hug a cat.

WTF! Aren't both of these teams on double secret probation from the NCAA right now? I guess it is a secret, but all those rules violations!

Watching Florida State-Miami. Finally, a decent football game. At least I have recovered from my four day beer bender in time to enjoy it.

Getting Twitter updates from Oakland that have let me know that Richard Seymour has not shown up for the Raiders. Great job, Crypt Keeper!

Other side effects include: hip displacement, ebola virus, knee cancer, growth of a new head, stomach combustion, stigmata, and time travel.

I am waiting for the day that we hear about a new medication on tv and the side effects include: enlarged balls, throat swelling, and death.

The Raiders have won 24 games over the last six years, have the Crypt Keeper as their owner, have coaches beat on each other, and get prison sexed on trades.

Watching the first part of the Dent-Murray match. Something tells me that Murray will rip this guy and then he'll be eaten by a giant fish.

So Georgia plays South Carolina next Saturday. Both offenses played so bad yesterday that the over/under for the game should be 17 points.

Line from a commentator on Mississippi-Memphis game: "He's so fast that he can dodge rain drops." But can he dodge a NCAA rules violation?

I don't know what I have against the Williams sisters. One runs and looks like a gazelle and the other sister is LeBron James in a dress.

Part of me wants to pull for Nadal in the Open. He's coming back from injury, is injured again, does more HGH than me, and wears yellow.

In response to JG, thank you. Federer and Andy Murray are great choices. I would probably pull for Murray as he's never won a Major (?).

Rule #636 of dating: Do not date while in the middle of a steroid cycle. Why? Ask Shawne Merriman, arrested for choking girlfriend today.

With my favorite players Roddick and Sharapova both out I don't have anyone to root for at the US Open. Any ideas? I'm watching the CFL.

You know, I could be writing for ESPN if I simply knew how to spell. Awful spelling of word emotional. I was always the last picked in the team spelling bee.

If I were Richard Seymour I would ask for $50 million in bonus money for the all enotional damages that he will suffer through in Oakland.

Is the Crypt Keeper still in charge of the Raiders? Obviously he is as they have been hosed again on another deal for Seymour giving up a Top 5 pick in 2011.

I've been snorting red Tic Tacs, eating what passes for meat at Taco Bell, and changing my mind on who I want to win in the Tech-Bama game.

Mick the Cat called me upset that he had taken Florida and the 62 points against Charleston Southern. He is asking for a point shaving investigation.

Well, apparently no Georgia football player has gotten arrested for antelope killing or carnal knowledge of a tree, but one has been diagnosed with swine flu.

I am absolutely not surprised that Virginia lost to William and Mary as well as Duke losing to Richmond. ACC football....it's a burnt pie.

Its nice to know that nothing has changed. Another swoon by the Braves to play themselves right out of the wild card that was within reach.

I forgot that the results for the STD tests for all those Georgia and VA Tech players will have to wait a few days to come from the lab.

So far it appears that no Georgia player has gotten nabbed in Oklahoma and no Va Tech player cuffed in Atlanta..unless you want to count the VIP room.

So which team will have its first arrest? Georgia, Maryland, Miami (Fla), Va. Tech, Oklahoma, Florida, or Clemson? I'm putting my $$ on Ga.

The BC Lions have won the game and inexplicably all of the moose and a few of the giant giant killer gophers just ran onto the field.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is your 2009 British Columbia Lions!!!! Crowd of twelve people, 15,000 moose, and 2,000 elk stand and cheer!!!

Montreal scores a touchdown to tie the game with a minute left in the game. It gets called back because the clock wasn't set right. What???

As I am watching the CFL game (Montreal got a game tying TD called back because the clock wasn't set), I am wondering if we can give the CFL the Lions and Bills

My life is absolutely complete now. Its 1 am and I'm watching the Montreal-BC CFL game. I've got 500 Canada dollars (about $2 US) on BC. Eh!

OK. I have a deal. If the Nationals lose 100 or more games then they move back to Montreal. If they don't then Rob Dibble quits as commentator.

You can't be serious! Both John and Patrick McEnroe are commentating the Nadal match at the US Open. Ivan Lendl is turning in his grave.

In proof that people actually read my posts, I stand corrected. It was Boise State not Fresno State. These teams are so irrelevant that I mix them up constantly

I have to cheer for the Univ. of Oregon for suspending LeGarrette Blount for sucker punching a Fresno State player for the SEASON. Perfect!!

This is the life of an aging Gen X'er: Watching series marathons on cable, surfing the net, and trying to remember the last time you stayed up past 2 am.

So I'm sitting here watching a marathon of "Criminal Minds" and reading a Bill Simmons column. I'm hooked on both and it's been three hours.

I hate it when this happens: You are watching a TV show on Friday night on a cable channel and its a marathon and you get sucked in...bad.

Daytime TV is so horribly bad. If you are sick at home then you will get worse by watching this mess. You have be absolutely high to live.

This show is so absolutely awful. Who watches this? Pot guy? Dippy the Pirate Bear? You have to do lots of pot in order to watch this.

I'm having the misfortune of sitting in a Nissan service waiting room being forced to watch Regis and Kelly on a 32 inch flat screen. Hell!

Dave the Pot Guy left this message: "Dude..hehe..I wonder who would win a cage match between Tiger Woods and Roger Federer...uh..man..hehe"

Dippy the Pirate Bear called to say that he is in a strip club making it rain and that he was upset that Pac-Man Jones won't be doing the same in Winnipeg.

Pedro the Mexican Drug Cartel Killer called to say that he found my blast about Va. Tech players snorting coke off a stripper offensive.

So the SPCA's Most Wanted will get to play after Week 2 of the season. Let the countdown begin to the end of the Andy Reid era in Philly.

Isn't it about time for U. of Georgia football players to start getting arrested for shoplifting bling, crack dealing, and beating up the mailman?

Also definitely do not be surprised if a Virginia Tech player impregnates an underaged stripper whom he snorted coke off her ass in Atlanta.

I don't know what the lines are but do not be surprised if William & Mary beats Virginia or if Richmond beats Duke on Saturday. Bet smart.

I am so excited about being back on Twitter that I am going to bet all of my life savings on the Raiders and Lions going to the Super Bowl.

After listening to DC sports radio its clear that people hate Redskins owner Dan Snyder. C'mon now. My teams owner looks like a used car salesman/porn actor.

My first act as senator of Massachusetts is a bill that makes the birthdays of Bill Gates, Hugh Hefner, and Sam Walton national holidays.

I have decided that since my Twitter suspension has now ended that I will begin my campaign to be the next senator in Massachusetts. Eh!

Twitter suspension has ended after 22 exhausting days of internet imprisonment. I have been cleared of all charges and like OJ I'm going after the real killer.

Please can MLB become like European football so we can relegate Washington, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, and maybe Baltimore and San Diego? No one cares about them!

Twitter suspension Day 21: I am seriously thinking about starting a campaign to become head coach of the Oakland Raiders. I can beat up on my assistants too!

I want to point out one reason why medical costs are so high that no one is talking about: tort law causing MDs to spend six figures on malpractice insurance.

Twitter suspension Day 21: I am enjoying all this free time on my hands. Now I can make regular checks of the air quality in Los Angeles. Smoke = summer fun.

Another summer and another summer wild fire in So Cal. The irony of this is that this time the wildfire is threatening the TV towers of all the LA stations.

El Gordo is doing absolutely great in the first inning for the Nationals. Where was this guy hiding when the Nats were winning. They could have really used him.

Twitter suspension Day 20: This Twitter suspension has gotten so bad that I am strongly thinking of calling a slimey personal injury attorney to take my case.

You have to love British soccer. Saw Tottenham get game winning goal in 95th minute (game was to end on 94th) and Manchedter United winning on an own goal.

Twitter suspension Day 19: Who gets blown out in an exhibition game? Only the Raiders can figure out a way to get destroyed in a pre season game 45-7. Awesome

Twitter suspension Day 19: I feel like I am naked and in the hole from that HBO show "Oz." I am coming to the conclusion that I'm never getting out of this.

Twitter suspension Day 15: Did I mention that the German soccer match is on-line and it's in Spanish? I wonder if I can bet on this game. I have Hamburger SV!

Twitter suspension Day 15: Can anyone explain why I am watching a re-play of a German Bundesliga soccer match at this hour? I've probably sunk to a new low.

Twitter suspension Day 14: I need to remind everyone that, regardless of what the Dos Equis Guy says, I am the most interesting man in the world. So there!

The Ravens back up Troy Smith is in the pre season game against the Jets and he looks awesome throwing the ball to the wrong team. Didn't he win the Heisman?

Listened to a local DC sports radio where people argued over who should be the Redskins 3rd quarterback. Seriously, you all need to argue who should be the 1st.

Ah, nothing like coming home after a terrible work Monday, turn on the TV and see the Nationals being prison sexed by the Brewers. All is normal there at least.

Actually it really is bad when you look at your most recent update and realize that your command of the English language is on par with your average NBA player.

You know things are bad when you are interesting in reading a blog article about how John Parker Wilson should be the Falcons third string quarterback.

Twitter suspension Day 13: When will this travesty stop? I'm watching crazy TV shows, mumbling about blue birds, snorting tic tacs, and worshiping Marlon Brando

I must be missing something but I do not see how, with their lackluster defense and killer schedule, the Atlanta Falcons will be able to do any better than 8-8.

Twitter suspension Day 12: I am watching the DC United-LA Major League Soccer game thinking that it is as sexually stimulating as watching 70's German porn.

Twitter suspension Day 12: They have tortured me to the point that now I think that 2 + 2 = 5 and Major League Soccer is entertaining. Cubans have more rights!

Twitter suspension Day 12: I am going to call Amnesty International as this suspension is based on politics. They're trying to shut down us dissidents! Help!

Twitter suspension Day 12: Thinking of starting a reality TV show showing the effects of this suspension on my psyche. I now want to eat Taco Bell everyday.

Twitter suspension Day 11: My situation is so hopeless that not even Vick's image consultants can help me get reinstated to Twitter. I have Plaxico's lawyers.

Twitter suspension Day 11: My reinstatement back to Twitter is still being processed. I have played both the race card and the deranged psycho lunatic card.

In response to message from Dippy the Pirate Bear: No, I have not ingested four boxes of hallucingenic orange tic tacs. I have ingested seven in three hours.

Twitter suspension day 9: Continue to feel persecuted by the evil blue bird on the Twitter website. It has to be a spawn of Satan and it taunts me now endlessly

Twitter suspension Day 9: I have applied for reinstatement. It is "being processed." What does that mean? Is it a cow being "processed" into SPAM or cat food?

I was planning to knock off a few 7-11s in order to support my HGH "supplement" and orange tic tac addiction, then I heard that Favre was coming back.

In looking at my Facebook photo it is obvious that I have been downing tons of Vicodin over the last ten years and now I can't pee and I'm constipated. Yay!

Is it me or is this Brett Favre thing getting totally out of control? Camera and helicopters et al. Are we going to get an update on when he takes a dump?

Robert Novak has died and Brett Favre has pulled another "favring" by unretiring again. This is way too much excitement for one day. I need to just go home now.

Can someone tell me how the Raiders 20-60 record in the last five years relates to their "Commitment to Excellence"? Is their Crypt Keeper owner dead yet?

Another reason to love the greatness that is the Oakland Raiders organization: The players don't fight each other at camp, the coaches do. This is classic.

I have applied for my reinstatement to Twitter. They said it was "resolved" but my account is still suspended. Vick had an easier time getting back to the NFL.

The quarterback for Montreal could start for all but the following NFL teams today: Patriots, Colts, Chargers, Saints, Steelers, and Giants. Trust me on this.

I would think that Montreal is the most hated team in the CFL since their province has wanted to split with Canada for years. It would be the same for Dallas.

Great thing about the CFL: The fact that there are only three downs instead of four. This equals more passing and more offense. More chances to beat the spread.

Day 5 of Twitter suspension: Watching CFL game between Montreal and Winnipeg. The fact that I knew that Montreal has the best record in the league is very sad.

Dippy the Pirate Bear just called to let me know that he is changing his Super Bowl pick from the Lions to the Eagles and his MVP pick from Jon Kitna to Vick.

Great day! Mrs. Bundchen (Tom Brady) and Hot Tub Boy (Matt Leinart) both played pre season games and the Philadelphia Eagles have just killed their season.

Congrats Philadelphia Eagles fans! Your team has now created a circus and have signed Andy Reid's death warrant as coach. Vick is a dog and coach killer.

Watching Phillies-Cubs game where stupid drunk Chicago guy dumps his beer on the Philly outfielder trying to make a catch. Why doesn't this happen more often?

I know no one wants to read my baseball themed updates but, this weekend is the make it or break it series for the Braves at home against Philly. Tic tacs rule!

Inspired by Klosterman, fueled by orange hallucingenic tic tacs, and feeling angry about Twitter suspension I am downloading old Metallica, Led Zep, and Thrice.

Just turned on the Nats-Braves game and Rob Dibble sounds like the announcer of a monster truck rally in some meth infested city between Raleigh and Columbia.

On day three of Twitter suspension. I'm watching bad re-runs of Dog the Bounty Hunter, reading Klosterman, and trying to score more hallucingenic tic tacs.

I just saw a clip of a Mike Tyson interview. Mike was his classic incoherent self. Sitting next to him a fat white guy with Erik Estrada sunglasses on. Classic

Got a call from the Los Angeles Police to advise me that Dippy had beaten up a taxi driver for not giving him a free ride to the airport. What a loser.

Dippy just called from the Viper Room. He just set fire to his car and is hiding out with Robert Downey Jr. and the Sham-Wow guy doing Jello shots. I love LA.

Eleven hours into Twitter suspension: I want my Twitter back! I did not gamble on pre season football. I did not sell secrets to North Korea. I am innocent.

So I got this cream from some pirate bear guy. He told me it would help my workouts. He told me that there was nothing "bad" in it. Never trust a pirate bear!!

Submitted my request for an appeal of my Twitter suspension. My defense is that I had absolutely no idea what I was putting into my body. I got this cream....

Ten hours into Twitter suspension: I have been visited by Tony Dungy who can not lie. He is now my mentor. I don't see how he is going to help me now. I'm lost

Seven hours into my Twitter suspension: trying to figure out which "supplements" I can legally take. Rethinking Detroit Lions prediction of a 16-0 season.

Yay me! I'm so excited! I have officially been suspended from Twitter! I can apply for reinstatement in a week. I am the Michael Vick of Twitter!

Terrell Owens needs to hit on a better looking white chick than the one that is interviewing him right now. Step your game up Terrell.

Terrell Owens needs to hit on a better white chick than the one that is interviewing him right now. Step your game up Terrell.

I gotta say that Hall of Famer Vince Young looks great on the sideline with a grimace on his face and his hat on backwards with a clipboard.

In looking, more like glancing, the folks who are tweeting about True Blood I can't help but notice how the shows fans cross race and gender

Apparently the show True Blood is the top trending topic on Twitter at this time. I have truly enjoyed the show and I never thought I would

I stand corrected. It was Hall of Fame quarterback Vince Young's second pass in a game in 100 years. Way to step your game up, Vince!

Future Hall of Famer Vince Young threw his first pass in a game in 100 years right to the wrong colored jersey. Next up? The Super Bowl!

Dippy should have his own Facebook and Twitter accounts. He is back with a vengence. He is trying to find Scott Baio in the Viper Room

Just got a call from Dippy the Pirate Bear. He's in LA under a bridge doing lines off a $50 a night hooker. His priorities are in order.

Still bitter at Man U loss. Now watching HOF game realizing that the EPL starts next week, football is starting, and Dippy is back. Awesome!

So the Nationals are up by seven going into the ninth inning looking to win their eighth in a row. Not even the Nats can blow this like Britney Spears can they?

Watching DC United against Real Madrid #DCU : is Real Madrid the NY Yankees of international football? $375 million in contracts!

Dippy and I are still deeply in a funk over Man U's loss to Chelsea this morning. Of course, Dippy is in a much much DEEPER funk than I.

I'm just sick. Dippy just took the spike. Of what I am not sure. United players flop and throw away the same on penalty kicks. Just sick!

Great effort by Rooney in extra time to even the score. Though he was likely off sides so I guess its payback by the refs. Dippy is stoned again.

Why is it that every time United plays Chelsea they get robbed by the refs? Every single match this happens. Two cheap goals and its 2-1 Chelsea

Now United's defense is as shaky as Dippy's vow of honesty, sobriety, and chasity. He called just now to tell me he is calling an "escort"

Play should have been stopped after a United player got body slammed that led to the Chelsea breakaway. But United should have kept playing.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called me to let me know that getting a blow job from a hooker under a bridge is not very cheap in LA. Good to know.

Someone needs to bean Drogba for Chelsea knocking Nani out of the game with an injury. Oh, wrong sport. But, still someone needs to pay.

If Drogba hadn't run right into a drunken Foster would Chelsea have scored that cheap goal? That was as cheap as the cost of a hummer under a bridge.

Dippy called to tell me that he is having nightmares of being kidnapped by some pathological lunatic who called himself 47. Crazy, man.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he was happy that MJ died because he left behind in his LA home lots and lots of good drugs.

The Man U goalie, Foster, seems to be stoned or on heroin right now. He seems lethargic and can't kick the ball well. Dippy says he is proud

Good first half for Man U who hold a goal lead at the half time whistle. Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he likes what he sees.

As I was saying before, Chelsea's defense is as shaky as a three pack a day smoker who quits cold turkey. Or a HGH fueled hamster losing the needle.

Beautiful goal by Nani puts Man U up by a goal early against Chelsea. The Blues defense is as shaky as Lindsey Lohan's sobriety and sanity.

It's sad that the only team that I cheer for that has consistently won anything is actually a soccer team out of England. Man U. has won three titles in a row.

I will be watching Manchester United play Chelsea for a silver plate or something tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'm excited for this game.

Its Saturday night and I am watching a soccer game between Barca and some nameless team from "Drugico". My brain has jumped the shark now.

Earth is now hurtling straight towards the sun which will, of course, supernova and kill us all. All because the Nats have won 7 in a row.

Just read that a guy in Florida is blaming his cat for downloading over 1000 images of child porn onto his computer. Happens all the time!

How on Earth can the Nationals make history if they do stuff like win six games in a row? Man up and lose 15 in a row to get back on track!

C'mon Saito, please please drill one of the Yankee players in the ass! I want to see someone take a run at the pitcher and throw down.

Now it is time for Sox pitcher to throw at a Yankee batter and the cage match is on. Throw in some cat litter, Stoli, and leather and you have a title shot.

Dustin Pedroia just got dotted by a Yankee pitcher after a ball pitched earlier almost took his head off. Its a nine run deficit. Time for a major brawl.

The Boston Red Sox are on the wrong side of a prison sex scene right against the Yankees right now. Where are the guards when you need them?

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

I just picked Steve Smith and Peyton Manning. I know that I am tempting fate. Smith could end up beating up another teammate and Peyton might kill someone.

I'm so thinking of taking Arnez Battle as the #1 draft choice in the draft. He is projected to get no catches for no yards and no touchdowns

Unhappy with my first team in fantasy football, I joined another league. So I'm drafting #1 in 3 minutes. Nothing like a new group of tree smokers.

I'm looking at my fantasy football roster and am wondering which one of them will be arrested for dog fighting, carrying guns, or hitting their girlfriends.

Now deep into the 15th round of fantasy draft. It is time for a kicker. With the 143rd pick, the Coke Snorters pick....Neil Rackers. Yay!!

Can anyone tell me why on Earth I picked Maurice Jones-Drew in the first round of the fantasy football draft? Too much smoking tree I guess

I am driving to work with the rest of the lemmings. Three of four drivers on 460 are driving and doing something illegal at the same time.

I must be smoking a lot of tree, but I'm in the middle of watching the Nats score six runs in the eighth to turn a 4 run deficit into a lead

I have a better chance at going into a nightclub and shooting myself in the leg in New York than the Braves making the play-offs this year.

I am watching the Braves Kawakami get lit up by the Padres. Hasn't anyone learned that bringing pitchers over from Japan is a bad idea?

90,000 at the Rose Bowl for a FC Barca PRE-SEASON game is proof that Americans know what they are doing by supporting great international soccer over the MLS.

Is it me or is "Smiling Bob" from the Enzyte ads reach the Michael Jackson circa Jackie O. period level of utter creepiness? I say "YES!"

I can not help but wonder how much HGH, fertility drugs, and steriods that Stallone and Lundgren ingested while "training" for Rocky IV.

Day 7 without nicotine: I've run up a huge gambling debt betting on WNBA games, MLS matches, and classic tennis matches on TTC. Help me!!

Did the Rocky series jump the shark at III or at IV? Each movie ruins the legacy of the first two classics. Just like Favre with the Jets.

Watching Rocky IV scene where Rocky and Drago are training over really bad porn music. This movie is high on the unintentional comedy scale.

I thought after the annual Pirate fire sale they would be the worst team in baseball, but the Nats continue to prove they have that title.

I wonder what it is like to be a Red Sox fan where in nearly every road game there are more Sox fans than fans of the home team. Joy joy!

So the Braves traded a first baseman for another first baseman? That sounds like a major upgrade. Like switching from frozen Tang to vodka

Shocked that Facebook let me get away with starting a group in order to cheer the next TV weatherman in my town to get busted for smack.

After watching the Braves lose 5-0 I gathered a blender, an orange, some vodka, a hairless rat, some pickles, tic tacs and let it all rip.

Another embarrassing performance by the Braves bats against a guy who can't throw harder than 86 MPH and walked five. My dead cat could hit better than that!

I continue my yearly frustration in the last 24 hours before the trade deadline as the Braves do absolutely nothing to help themselves win.

Despite the fact that the bullpen has more miles than Michael Jackson had adult alarms in his house, the Braves won in extra innings.

The Braves need to go ahead and finish this game up. The game is holding off Bobby Cox's vodka and beer chaser bender on the plane back home

Why the hell do I torture myself by watching these Braves games. So they just blew a two run lead in the eighth. I need an eight ball.

Things I wonder: Will the Braves trade for a bat? Will the Nats have a fire sale? Whose casting couch is Lindsey Lohan blowing a dude on?

I feel sorry for Pirates fans. Their ownership promises every year to keep their best players and then at the end of July they have a fire sale. Nice!

Ok, so the Braves are up by one run in the seventh inning. So now it's time for them and their drunk manager to find a way to blow this one.

Another hot ball game in Florida and another Chipper Jones strike out on a pitch horribly out of the strike zone. Obviously he took lessons from Andruw.

To all you pot head Wal-Mart embezzlers: Remember what the great modern scribe Ice Cube said, "Dicks in your ass are bad for your health."

Day 4 without nicotine: Wondering if it would be a great idea to start smoking pot to cut the edge off. I want to let a giant gerbil loose.

Why do people think that embezzling thousands of dollars from Wal-Mart would be a great idea? Do these people think that no one would care?

In my dream world MLB would be like the EPL and the bottom teams would be relegated out. I'd pick 5 to go. Now it would be Wash., KC, SD, Clev., and Balt.

I would love to have heard that embezzlement from Wal-Mart planning meeting. "Dude, no one would notice if I, uh, dude took $20,000, dope"

Hour 74 without nicotine: still hanging on by a thread of sanity. Did I see the Nationals just won their fourth game in a row or am I dead?

Word has it that OJ is scared that his cell mate will shank him in the shower. Actually, if that happned it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.

In typical Braves fashion their best closer gives up a walk off home run to lose the game by, you guessed it, one whole run. I need crack!!

Garrett Anderson just jacked a horrible pitch into the right field seats to put the Braves ahead in the ninth. Bobby might get to celebrate!

No Bobby, you can't get all that drunk on Scope anymore between innings and BTW Moylan having 55 appearances so far this year means he is overused.

Hour 72 without nicotine: Watching the Braves game on-line, drinking butane, wondering where all my money went, and betting the #9 horse.

Nolasco of the Marlins just hung one up for Chipper and he hit it to Cuba. Looks like there are more fans at a Nationals game then this one in Miami.

Ah, its July and the Atlanta Braves are on their typical summer swoon road trip to Florida. It doesn't matter the record, the Braves will stink it up in Miami

Hour 63 without nicotine: Withdrawal symptoms in full effect. My head hurts. I'm cranky (nothing unusual there). Feel like I have the flu.

I am watching the Lendl-McEnroe 1985 US Open tennis final on the Tennis Channel. I am such a degenerate loser that I am going to bet on the match.

Here goes the infamous eight run Brewer rally with two outs in the ninth against the Nationals. It could happen! Only to the Nationals!

I must be hitting the ole spoon and spike pretty hard tonight because I just realized that Willingham has hit two grand slams in a row! Ugh!

News flash!! The Nationals are now only the second worst team in baseball now. They are on their way to the pennant in 2015, if we live that long.

Willingham hits a grand slam for the Nationals to put them up 13-5. I have to be hallucinating from the twelve day old country fried steak.

I must be doing a lot more performance enhancing drugs than I thought, but the Nationals seem to playing pretty good baseball right now.

I can't complain of taking two of three against the Brewers and winning 12 of the last 17. That and Bobby Cox not getting another DUI. Yay!

Right now in Milwuakee Bob Uecker and Bobby Cox are in a topless bar doing lines of coke off strippers asses and drinking rail vodka shots.

I just saw that the MLS has fined David Beckham the huge figure of $1000 for confronting a fan on Sunday. His last hair color job cost more

Sports South just showed us a shot of Bob Uecker, who I thought was dead. He is the only person in the stadium more drunk than Bobby Cox.

Who was bright enough to put Moylan in the game for the Braves with a four run lead? I know that Bobby Cox was not smart enough to do it.

I wonder with anxious breath which overused reliever is going to go in the game to blow this three run lead for the Braves. Go Bobby Go!!!

Vazquez just blew the ball by Fielder to get out of a jam in the 7th inning. A stumbling Cox is doing whiskey shots right on the bench!

Right now Bobby Cox is thinking: "I wonder which reliever is about to have his arm fall off due to over use. Whoever it is goes in the game"

I'm definitely certain that Bobby Cox got really drunk before the game tonight. He has let Vasquez to go past six innings despite himself

I am watching the Braves playing at the Brewers, the home of beer, brats, and cheese. Bobby Cox must be in absolute heaven right now.

Is it me or did Ben Roethlisberger look like he had gained 50 pounds, has been on a bender for three weeks, and is guilty of something. Joy!

Ever sat around after smoking a lot of meth and drinking a ton of Kool-Aid and Colt 45's thinking: I wonder who Lindsey Lohan is doing now

I heard that the Taco Bell chihuahua died of an overdose of pain killers. I did not know that she knew Michael Jackson and Robert Downey Jr!

Anyone have Manny Ramirez's number? I need some female fertility drugs in order to mask my steriod use. I'm taking the pee test tomorrow.

Reason #45 that the Braves should fire a drunk Bobby Cox: He used SIX relief pitchers after the starter had given up 1 run in 5 innings.

I figure that if you watch NBA Summer League basketball then you are a sports degenerate. If you bet on these games then you are beyond help

As the MLB trading deadline is a few days away, the Braves will not a make get better. The endless pointless march to mediocrity continues!

Does anyone think that the Atlanta Braves players are listening a drunk Bobby Cox anymore? He's the lush uncle you laugh at on Christmas.

Sure Jair Jurrjens pitched a good game for the Braves tonight. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Giants have less hits than Toto this year.

The death of the Taco Bell Chihuahua leaves me wondering how he or she died. Was it drugs? Booze? Loose women? Gun shot? Chocolate tacos?

I just found out that the Taco Bell Chihuahua died at the age of 15. Frankly, I am taking this harder than the death of Michael Jackson.

My fantasy football league on espn.com called "Our Wives Should Leave Us" only has my team in it. Maybe I don't have a life...or friends.

For those wondering if I have a life. I'm letting you know that I do and it is filled with empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and vials

On MASN2, Johnny Holliday and Ray Knight are as giddy as twelve year old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert after the horrific 4-0 Nats win.

Someone really needs to stop Rob Dibble. He is sounding more and more like a cross between Ed McMahon on crack and a drunk Beavis. Help us!!

On www.whatifsports.com I matched the '62 Mets against the '08 Nationals. The '62 Mets won three out of four games. Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Things I'd rather do more than listening to Rob Dibble do a Nats game include sticking my hand into a blender and putting a tatto on my face

DC sports is a dumpster fire. The Caps blow play-off series. The Wiz were horrific last year. The Skins blew a chance at the play-offs. The Nats are the Nats.

So the Nationals are leading 4-0 in the 6th inning. They need to man up and try harder to lose this game. Don't blow your shot at history!

The Nationals are winless in the Riggleman era. I am wondering if there is any hope for Washington DC as a sports city. It's a dumpster fire

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing I am starting a week long bender of Tang, meth, and laxatives. No sleep for me or you

I thought that the Nationals would lose their chance at history by firing Acta but they manned up and are winless in the Riggleman era.

I am watching the DC United soccer match being played in DC. I swear that there are four times as many fans at this game than the Nats game.

Like Larry Odom, I'm having a major sugar craving. I need sugar like Jeremy Mayfield needs meth and Jerry Springer's number. Big Red NOW!

Went to the doctor. With the meds I am on I have failed baseball's performance enhancing drug policy. Can I start my fifty game suspension?

For the first time ever I have seen the words "breast augmentation" used appropriately in a work e-mail. I am so 13 years old. Weeee!!!

Watched Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks first at-bat in fifty games. I couldn't help but wondering if he is baseball's version of Rick James.

Despite the fact that Bobby Cox is drunk all the time and sticks with inept players like Drew Barrymore sticks to the casting coach the Braves won tonight

The Atlanta Braves are up by a run in the 8th inning. They are at home. A drunk guy is managing them. Wondering how they are going blow it.

I'm watching the Nationals game and I notice that there is a good turn out for the game in DC. Then I realize: "Oh, they're all Cubs fans"

So the American League won the All-Star Game for the thirteenth straight time. All before midnight. I'm going through Tic Tac withdrawal.

Is it possible that this game will be over before 1:30 am this time? I hope so because I need to go to Wal-Mart to pick up my Vicodin Rx.

I stand corrected. MLB is praying that Pujols doesn't get shot to death by a twenty something year old nurse who diverts narcotics from work

So interviewing Obama right now is Max Headroom and Tim McCarver who is wearing the tackiest sport coat in the history of TV. I need beer.

I'm sure MLB is praying that Pujols doesn't end up in a female fertility drug scandal or shot to death by a twenty something year old hopped up on meth.

As I watched Jeter get hit by a pitch from one of the dudes from "Dazed and Confused" I started hoping for a bench clearing brawl. Yes!!

Believe me when I say this. I would rather have Ozzy Osbourne and LaToya Jackson's frozen head do color commentary for the All-Star Game.

Is it me or does it seem like using a nine year old to get his dad to quit drinking inherently and morally wrong? Just call out for pizza.

Watching the show "Intervention" actually makes me want to drink a fifth of vodka and smoking as much meth as I can get my hands on. Why?

Australia has launched a competition to build killer Terminator military robots. This makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over. Why not gerbils

Why couldn't the Braves fire their manager Bobby Cox who only knows how to drink, getting run from games, and chronically underachieve?

When your team fires their manager at the All-Star break and then sends an apology letter to their 5 fans, they're going back to Montreal.

This new fad of pro sports players tweeting during "work" is not new at all. I have been tweeting at "work" for months now. Like this moment

We all should remember the immortal words of our great modern poet Ice Cube: "Shot gun bullets are bad for your health." Powerful shit, man.

Can someone tell me please why I am seeing ads for getting a prescription for getting "fuller longer eyelashes"? I thought the boner pill ads were bad enough!

I have a great idea! Let's get Billy Mays to do a TV ad for the Snuggie this winter! What? He's dead? Who are we going to get now?

I'm so very upset that I'm not getting a ticket to the Jackie Onassis funeral...what? They had that already? Oh, I'm not going to the Michael Jackson funeral.

So what would happen if there all these people crowded on this bus and it was twenty degrees warmer? I say, the end of civilization as we know it.

So we won freedom from the British so that we can watch fireworks on a hot night and then wait like lemmings jumping off a cliff in order to get away from them.

In a throng of people trying to reach the tunnel after fireworks. Los Angeles rush hour traffic has nothing on this human tragedy. Help!!!

The US soccer team should dedicate this great loss to the late great Billy Mays. Who's next to go down? Vince, the Sham Wow guy? Wow!

Remember our best athletes play basketball and impregnate random women. Brazil's best athletes play soccer and fly heroin to the USA. Go USA

Only the American soccer team could blow a two goal lead in the 2nd half. We are well on our way to greatness in the World Cup next year!!!

The killer bees that were attacking the crowd have now turned on the US soccer team as they have more sting holes than Joan Rivers and they're down 3-2.

Well the US held that goal lead for another three minutes as their defense had more holes as the SC govenors Appalachian Trail story.

Does anyone even remotely think that at the rate that Brazil is attacking the US goal that the US will be able to hold their goal lead for 20 more minutes?

Why does it seem that no one is even remotely alarmed by the fact there is a giant swarm of killer bees that is attacking the crowd at this soccer match?

I anxiously waiting for someone to get headbutted in the chest in this soccer game. When does that happen? Can't wait. Only reason to watch

So I am watching the US-Brazil soccer final. The US is up 2-0. The play by play guy is as excited about this as an arranged marriage to a vampire.