If Drogba hadn't run right into a drunken Foster would Chelsea have scored that cheap goal? That was as cheap as the cost of a hummer under a bridge.

Dippy called to tell me that he is having nightmares of being kidnapped by some pathological lunatic who called himself 47. Crazy, man.

Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he was happy that MJ died because he left behind in his LA home lots and lots of good drugs.

The Man U goalie, Foster, seems to be stoned or on heroin right now. He seems lethargic and can't kick the ball well. Dippy says he is proud

Good first half for Man U who hold a goal lead at the half time whistle. Dippy the Pirate Bear called to tell me that he likes what he sees.

As I was saying before, Chelsea's defense is as shaky as a three pack a day smoker who quits cold turkey. Or a HGH fueled hamster losing the needle.

Beautiful goal by Nani puts Man U up by a goal early against Chelsea. The Blues defense is as shaky as Lindsey Lohan's sobriety and sanity.

It's sad that the only team that I cheer for that has consistently won anything is actually a soccer team out of England. Man U. has won three titles in a row.

I will be watching Manchester United play Chelsea for a silver plate or something tomorrow morning. Honestly, I'm excited for this game.

Its Saturday night and I am watching a soccer game between Barca and some nameless team from "Drugico". My brain has jumped the shark now.

Earth is now hurtling straight towards the sun which will, of course, supernova and kill us all. All because the Nats have won 7 in a row.

Just read that a guy in Florida is blaming his cat for downloading over 1000 images of child porn onto his computer. Happens all the time!

How on Earth can the Nationals make history if they do stuff like win six games in a row? Man up and lose 15 in a row to get back on track!

C'mon Saito, please please drill one of the Yankee players in the ass! I want to see someone take a run at the pitcher and throw down.

Now it is time for Sox pitcher to throw at a Yankee batter and the cage match is on. Throw in some cat litter, Stoli, and leather and you have a title shot.

Dustin Pedroia just got dotted by a Yankee pitcher after a ball pitched earlier almost took his head off. Its a nine run deficit. Time for a major brawl.

The Boston Red Sox are on the wrong side of a prison sex scene right against the Yankees right now. Where are the guards when you need them?

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

On another note, #1 reason why MLS should be shut down: the Seattle Sounders uniforms. They are the worst unis in the history of all sports.

I just picked Steve Smith and Peyton Manning. I know that I am tempting fate. Smith could end up beating up another teammate and Peyton might kill someone.

I'm so thinking of taking Arnez Battle as the #1 draft choice in the draft. He is projected to get no catches for no yards and no touchdowns

Unhappy with my first team in fantasy football, I joined another league. So I'm drafting #1 in 3 minutes. Nothing like a new group of tree smokers.

I'm looking at my fantasy football roster and am wondering which one of them will be arrested for dog fighting, carrying guns, or hitting their girlfriends.

Now deep into the 15th round of fantasy draft. It is time for a kicker. With the 143rd pick, the Coke Snorters pick....Neil Rackers. Yay!!

Can anyone tell me why on Earth I picked Maurice Jones-Drew in the first round of the fantasy football draft? Too much smoking tree I guess

I am driving to work with the rest of the lemmings. Three of four drivers on 460 are driving and doing something illegal at the same time.

I must be smoking a lot of tree, but I'm in the middle of watching the Nats score six runs in the eighth to turn a 4 run deficit into a lead

I have a better chance at going into a nightclub and shooting myself in the leg in New York than the Braves making the play-offs this year.

I am watching the Braves Kawakami get lit up by the Padres. Hasn't anyone learned that bringing pitchers over from Japan is a bad idea?

90,000 at the Rose Bowl for a FC Barca PRE-SEASON game is proof that Americans know what they are doing by supporting great international soccer over the MLS.

Is it me or is "Smiling Bob" from the Enzyte ads reach the Michael Jackson circa Jackie O. period level of utter creepiness? I say "YES!"

I can not help but wonder how much HGH, fertility drugs, and steriods that Stallone and Lundgren ingested while "training" for Rocky IV.

Day 7 without nicotine: I've run up a huge gambling debt betting on WNBA games, MLS matches, and classic tennis matches on TTC. Help me!!

Did the Rocky series jump the shark at III or at IV? Each movie ruins the legacy of the first two classics. Just like Favre with the Jets.

Watching Rocky IV scene where Rocky and Drago are training over really bad porn music. This movie is high on the unintentional comedy scale.

I thought after the annual Pirate fire sale they would be the worst team in baseball, but the Nats continue to prove they have that title.

I wonder what it is like to be a Red Sox fan where in nearly every road game there are more Sox fans than fans of the home team. Joy joy!

So the Braves traded a first baseman for another first baseman? That sounds like a major upgrade. Like switching from frozen Tang to vodka

Shocked that Facebook let me get away with starting a group in order to cheer the next TV weatherman in my town to get busted for smack.

After watching the Braves lose 5-0 I gathered a blender, an orange, some vodka, a hairless rat, some pickles, tic tacs and let it all rip.

Another embarrassing performance by the Braves bats against a guy who can't throw harder than 86 MPH and walked five. My dead cat could hit better than that!

I continue my yearly frustration in the last 24 hours before the trade deadline as the Braves do absolutely nothing to help themselves win.

Despite the fact that the bullpen has more miles than Michael Jackson had adult alarms in his house, the Braves won in extra innings.

The Braves need to go ahead and finish this game up. The game is holding off Bobby Cox's vodka and beer chaser bender on the plane back home

Why the hell do I torture myself by watching these Braves games. So they just blew a two run lead in the eighth. I need an eight ball.

Things I wonder: Will the Braves trade for a bat? Will the Nats have a fire sale? Whose casting couch is Lindsey Lohan blowing a dude on?

I feel sorry for Pirates fans. Their ownership promises every year to keep their best players and then at the end of July they have a fire sale. Nice!

Ok, so the Braves are up by one run in the seventh inning. So now it's time for them and their drunk manager to find a way to blow this one.

Another hot ball game in Florida and another Chipper Jones strike out on a pitch horribly out of the strike zone. Obviously he took lessons from Andruw.

To all you pot head Wal-Mart embezzlers: Remember what the great modern scribe Ice Cube said, "Dicks in your ass are bad for your health."

Day 4 without nicotine: Wondering if it would be a great idea to start smoking pot to cut the edge off. I want to let a giant gerbil loose.

Why do people think that embezzling thousands of dollars from Wal-Mart would be a great idea? Do these people think that no one would care?

In my dream world MLB would be like the EPL and the bottom teams would be relegated out. I'd pick 5 to go. Now it would be Wash., KC, SD, Clev., and Balt.

I would love to have heard that embezzlement from Wal-Mart planning meeting. "Dude, no one would notice if I, uh, dude took $20,000, dope"

Hour 74 without nicotine: still hanging on by a thread of sanity. Did I see the Nationals just won their fourth game in a row or am I dead?

Word has it that OJ is scared that his cell mate will shank him in the shower. Actually, if that happned it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.

In typical Braves fashion their best closer gives up a walk off home run to lose the game by, you guessed it, one whole run. I need crack!!

Garrett Anderson just jacked a horrible pitch into the right field seats to put the Braves ahead in the ninth. Bobby might get to celebrate!

No Bobby, you can't get all that drunk on Scope anymore between innings and BTW Moylan having 55 appearances so far this year means he is overused.

Hour 72 without nicotine: Watching the Braves game on-line, drinking butane, wondering where all my money went, and betting the #9 horse.

Nolasco of the Marlins just hung one up for Chipper and he hit it to Cuba. Looks like there are more fans at a Nationals game then this one in Miami.

Ah, its July and the Atlanta Braves are on their typical summer swoon road trip to Florida. It doesn't matter the record, the Braves will stink it up in Miami

Hour 63 without nicotine: Withdrawal symptoms in full effect. My head hurts. I'm cranky (nothing unusual there). Feel like I have the flu.

I am watching the Lendl-McEnroe 1985 US Open tennis final on the Tennis Channel. I am such a degenerate loser that I am going to bet on the match.

Here goes the infamous eight run Brewer rally with two outs in the ninth against the Nationals. It could happen! Only to the Nationals!

I must be hitting the ole spoon and spike pretty hard tonight because I just realized that Willingham has hit two grand slams in a row! Ugh!

News flash!! The Nationals are now only the second worst team in baseball now. They are on their way to the pennant in 2015, if we live that long.

Willingham hits a grand slam for the Nationals to put them up 13-5. I have to be hallucinating from the twelve day old country fried steak.

I must be doing a lot more performance enhancing drugs than I thought, but the Nationals seem to playing pretty good baseball right now.

I can't complain of taking two of three against the Brewers and winning 12 of the last 17. That and Bobby Cox not getting another DUI. Yay!

Right now in Milwuakee Bob Uecker and Bobby Cox are in a topless bar doing lines of coke off strippers asses and drinking rail vodka shots.

I just saw that the MLS has fined David Beckham the huge figure of $1000 for confronting a fan on Sunday. His last hair color job cost more

Sports South just showed us a shot of Bob Uecker, who I thought was dead. He is the only person in the stadium more drunk than Bobby Cox.

Who was bright enough to put Moylan in the game for the Braves with a four run lead? I know that Bobby Cox was not smart enough to do it.

I wonder with anxious breath which overused reliever is going to go in the game to blow this three run lead for the Braves. Go Bobby Go!!!

Vazquez just blew the ball by Fielder to get out of a jam in the 7th inning. A stumbling Cox is doing whiskey shots right on the bench!

Right now Bobby Cox is thinking: "I wonder which reliever is about to have his arm fall off due to over use. Whoever it is goes in the game"

I'm definitely certain that Bobby Cox got really drunk before the game tonight. He has let Vasquez to go past six innings despite himself

I am watching the Braves playing at the Brewers, the home of beer, brats, and cheese. Bobby Cox must be in absolute heaven right now.

Is it me or did Ben Roethlisberger look like he had gained 50 pounds, has been on a bender for three weeks, and is guilty of something. Joy!

Ever sat around after smoking a lot of meth and drinking a ton of Kool-Aid and Colt 45's thinking: I wonder who Lindsey Lohan is doing now

I heard that the Taco Bell chihuahua died of an overdose of pain killers. I did not know that she knew Michael Jackson and Robert Downey Jr!

Anyone have Manny Ramirez's number? I need some female fertility drugs in order to mask my steriod use. I'm taking the pee test tomorrow.

Reason #45 that the Braves should fire a drunk Bobby Cox: He used SIX relief pitchers after the starter had given up 1 run in 5 innings.

I figure that if you watch NBA Summer League basketball then you are a sports degenerate. If you bet on these games then you are beyond help

As the MLB trading deadline is a few days away, the Braves will not a make get better. The endless pointless march to mediocrity continues!

Does anyone think that the Atlanta Braves players are listening a drunk Bobby Cox anymore? He's the lush uncle you laugh at on Christmas.

Sure Jair Jurrjens pitched a good game for the Braves tonight. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Giants have less hits than Toto this year.

The death of the Taco Bell Chihuahua leaves me wondering how he or she died. Was it drugs? Booze? Loose women? Gun shot? Chocolate tacos?

I just found out that the Taco Bell Chihuahua died at the age of 15. Frankly, I am taking this harder than the death of Michael Jackson.

My fantasy football league on espn.com called "Our Wives Should Leave Us" only has my team in it. Maybe I don't have a life...or friends.

For those wondering if I have a life. I'm letting you know that I do and it is filled with empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and vials

On MASN2, Johnny Holliday and Ray Knight are as giddy as twelve year old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert after the horrific 4-0 Nats win.

Someone really needs to stop Rob Dibble. He is sounding more and more like a cross between Ed McMahon on crack and a drunk Beavis. Help us!!

On www.whatifsports.com I matched the '62 Mets against the '08 Nationals. The '62 Mets won three out of four games. Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Things I'd rather do more than listening to Rob Dibble do a Nats game include sticking my hand into a blender and putting a tatto on my face

DC sports is a dumpster fire. The Caps blow play-off series. The Wiz were horrific last year. The Skins blew a chance at the play-offs. The Nats are the Nats.

So the Nationals are leading 4-0 in the 6th inning. They need to man up and try harder to lose this game. Don't blow your shot at history!

The Nationals are winless in the Riggleman era. I am wondering if there is any hope for Washington DC as a sports city. It's a dumpster fire

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing I am starting a week long bender of Tang, meth, and laxatives. No sleep for me or you