Another night, another heartbreaking Braves loss when it means the most. Again under the drunk guy, the Braves do what they always do in big spots--fold.

Can someone tell me why Atlanta still has a NHL team? Nobody in the ATL cares about them. Most people in Georgia think a Thrasher is a monster truck.

Getting ready for the start of the NHL season tomorrow. Oh, right. My team has absolutely no chance at winning anything. None. Ever.

The fact that I am sitting through a day long suicide prevention training in Richmond is dripping with more irony than I can imagine. Fun times!

One of the funniest shows ever on TV? Martha Stewart Living. Remember the show where she set herself on fire? That was classic family TV!

If I had more patience and would not get myself sued every episode I would create a comedic TV gem on par with 60 Minutes, Alf, and Sesame Street.

Family Guy is probably one of the most under rated shows in TV history. There has not been an episode that I didn't laugh like I was criminally insane.

Oh now I get it. That's how they get away with this show and not get killed by a real gang running meth out of the desert. Its a "club" not a gang!! Sure, OK.

Watching this show makes me want to run out and join a motorcycle gang in Cali so I can run guns to Chico, drink excessively, and fall off my bike.

I have trouble watching Ron Perlman on this show as a motorcycle gang leader and not think of him as the Beast in that stupid show from the 80s

I'm watching Sons of Anarchy on FX. So how do Cali motorcycle gangs like being protrayed like Cali motorcycle gangs on TV? My guess it's a party for all!

Yes! Hot Tub With Bong And Underaged Girl King is in the game for a whole two plays. Leinart, you should go back to USC to be their QB

According to ESPNs NFL Coach Approval Ratings Skins coach Jim Zorn has the second lowest rating next to Eric Mangini with 8%. I must agree

We want Leinart! We want Leinart! We want Hot Tub With Bong And Underage Girl King! We won't rest till we see him hung over in the game.

What's not being talked about in tonights game: The Colts found a team in the Cardinals softer than they are. The Cardinals have 24 yards rushing tonight.

Does anyone out there think that Tony Romo will get 35 fantasy points Monday night against Carolina? OK, you can stop laughing anytime now.

Can someone tell me why Matt Leinart has not gotten caught with a bong in a hot tub with underaged girls yet? He's the king of that stuff.

The soft defensive line of the Colts is killing the even softer (like a Snuggie!) Cards line. Maybe we can see Hot Tub King Matt Leinart!

My putrid fantasy football teams are on pace to win all games this weekend. Good thing I did not go Crypt Keeper and start JaMarcus Russell

There is nothing worse than being stalked by a giant rabbit who is hooked on peanut butter cookies and battery acid that you owe money to.

It looks like I will win most of my bets on NFL games today. Great! I did not want to be chased down by a crazy rabbit with an AK-47.

I have one question about the Roman Polanski arrest. Was he arrested wearing a Snuggie? He has sex crazed death cult written all over him.

Found out the Swiss are holding Roman Polanski on a 31 year old warrant for having sex with a minor. The fact it took this long explains why Europe sucks.

Angela Merkel won re-election as Germany's Chancellor today. Does this mean that those silly ads for Volkwagons will continue? Hope not.

Why is it on "Football Night In America" no one speaking actually looks into the camera? Is Al "Crypt Keeper" Davis holding the camera?

You know things are bad when the offense is boo'd as they are take the field. Don't feel bad Raiders. I get boo'd when I go to work too.

When will the Raiders figure out that JaMarcus Russell will never be a NFL quarterback? Wait, we are talking about the Raiders. Right? I guess never.

Statement game for the Falcons? Yes it was! It stated that the Falcons are as close to the Super Bowl as I am to sanity and stability.

There is nothing good to take from the Falcons losing badly in New England. Again, I am reminded again that we are talking about the Falcons

Yep, the Jim Zorn era is now over in Washington. Can't keep your job losing to the Lions. Wasn't Zorn the QB for the Seahawks last season?

It will not take much for me to become fantasy footballs version of either Al Davis or Dan Snyder. Al is El Cid dead. Dan is a king maker.

Because I am totally insane I have three fantasy football teams. Because I am a train wreck they are combined 1-4-1. Putrid as a dead body.

Now that the Nationals have lost their 100th game of the season, can we celebrate by sending them back to Montreal? Can we have a parade?

Other things I learned from Wikipedia: Smurfs were created by someone from Belgium named Peyo in 1958. This is time I will never get back.

I made the mistake of not knowing how to spell "smurf". According to Wikipedia, there were 421 Smurfs episodes. I feel so much better now.

List of people I'd rather see manage the Braves next year: Ice Cube, Lindsey Lohan, Nancy Reagan, Joe Jackson, Carrot Top, and Papa Smurf.

I would rather be eaten alive my several killer rabid turtles than endure another Bobby Cox run Braves season of drunken tirades at umpires.

I really wish that Bobby Cox would retire now. My sanity nor his liver can't make it another year. I wonder which one will give out first?

I wonder what the Plaxico Burress house was like this morning. "Hey son, let's go watch Daddy get handcuffed and sent to prison!!!" Fun!!

Can someone tell me why every time there is a camera shot on Wade Phillips he looks like an escapee from a prison where they shoot everyone up with thorazine?

As I am reading many Falcons comments after todays game they are starting to lose their minds and becoming as irrational as SEC fans by going overboard.

I know I should not run the Falcons. Wanted them to pick Dorsey over Ryan in '08. But they need to know not to draft injury prone D-linemen in the 1st round.

The Cowboys are a mess. They are turning into a carnival act. Does Wade Phillips know what is happening on the field? Does he know what year it is?

I still maintain that the shampoo ads with Troy Polamalu are all very creepy. They still don't reach the level of the E*Trade baby ads, but they are close.

I was wrong folks. It was Nate Newton not Larry Allen. I get my felons confused sometimes. And it was only 213 pounds of pot in a van.

Wait a minute. I just saw Larry Allen at the Cowboy game. Didn't he get arrested a few years back for trafficking 300 pounds of pot in a van?

Evidence that Jerry Jones will go Crypt Keeper in a few years: team sliding into the abyss, bad coach hirings, bad player decisions, and age

Watching Costas interview Jerry Jones earlier convinced me that Jones will be Al Davis crazy in a few years. Mark my words. It will happen.

Dippy just called from LA saying that he ran over someone on the 405. I told him not to worry about it...it was only Keanu Reeves career.

You know you are a total loser when you don't spend the money on a pay per view fight you want to see and instead you follow it on Twitter.

I wonder if UCLA coach Rick Neuheisel bet any money against his own team in this game. He is the Pete Rose of college football with better hair.

Dippy just called to tell me that Los Angeles will end up going up in flames again if UCLA loses tonight after the choke job that USC turned in earlier.

Interesting. Erin Andrews is really toning down the sex appeal after the dreaded peeping tom sex video. Dippy would be pissed if he saw this

With this defense I am so not comfortable with an 11 point lead with 90 seconds left. The Georgia defense plays like a drunk guy after the bars close.

Good news: Georgia has scored 52. Bad news: They have given up 41. The Dawg defense has more holes in it than a condom made in Russia.

I hate it when teams try to settle for a field goal late in a game instead of scoring a touchdown when there is over two minutes left. Ugh!

Georgia is up by eight in the fourth quarter late. Pot Guy is offering some product to deal with my nerves. I've got a blender and a spoon.

Watching an electronic health records software demo. My brain is starting to shows signs of early dementia as I continue to be contaminated.

It seems like a great idea. Take a bunch of stuffed animals, douse them with gas, and light them on fire while tossing them out a ninth floor window.

FREE with your Snugggie! A cyanide pill! You can take it when the signal comes from your iPod that the UFO in the comet is ready for you!

I have been running from the gun wielding 7 foot rabbit. She's mowed down at least eight small animals coming after me. Where is my blender?

I wonder if it is a good idea to wake up one day, turn to your significant other, and say: "I have a great idea. Let's build us a meth lab!"

So I lost my bet on the Raider game last night. Now I'm being hunted down by a 7 ft. rabbit with a Glock and an AK-47 as back-up in her van.

The Chargers need to get it together. If they don't beat the spread then I am going to have sell my organs to pay off my gambling debt.

Personally, I actually loved Michael Jordan's Hall of Fame speech. He said what we all would have been thinking but would not have the balls to say out loud.

Dippy's pimp called looking for him. She said something about money, the Patriots, Brett Favre, a strap on, and latex. I don't want to know.

In order for me to make some money on this weekends NFL games I need the Chargers to beat the spread against the team of Crypt Keepers. Hmmm

Dippy called to let me know that watching the end of the Patriots game has caused him to call his dealer to ask if he can do some "favors."

Dippy called to let me know that is getting ready for the Raiders season by getting turned down by hookers in Norfolk. Its all connected.

Rule 75: Do not ever over use testosterone gel right before competing in the women's US Open tennis semi-final. Ever. Bad things will happen.

We now do not need Favre any more. We have Cutler who just tried to throw to a receiver being covered by 4 Packers. Just give him some Vicodin and we are set.

Lovie Smith just lost his mind and went for a fake punt on his own 30. That is as smart as letting Tom Cruise be the father of your kid.

Nothing says I love you like going into a rage piling their shoes in the bath tub, throwing some gasoline on them, and lighting them on fire

I think the Left Eye Lopez and Andre Rison relationship was very under rated in it's ability to generate unintentional humor. Fire=Love.

Dippy called to remind me that it was the late Left Eye Lopez who filled a bath tub full of Andre Rison's shoes and lit them on fire. Great!

I've been watching this game for 44 minutes before seeing the first boner ad. They must be slipping! What's with the damn two bath tubs!

It is interesting that no one has yet to talk about the significant racial and ethic overtones in the Serena Williams debacle at the US Open

You know you are getting old when you see a commerical for GE and they are using a sappy bad love song that your first girlfriend used to haunt you with.

Watching the Packers-Bears game and am excited that I'm listening to coherent and organized color commentary on Sunday Night Football.

I have three fantasy football teams. One has Adrian Petersen and the others don't. After one day I can say that the teams that don't are as putrid as a floater

NFL nightmare scenario in Week 1: Donovan McNabb has a broken rib. Uh-oh. At least its not Week 3. Hide all of the animals. You know who is at the door.

Good win for Atlanta against Miami. Some positives (Gonzalez and D) and some negatives (Turner and Elam). I'm as hopeful as a gerbil on HGH

Jake Delhomme played like Rocky Balboa circa Rocky V. Brain is toast. Body is marshmellow. Can't tell the difference between teams jerseys.

Pot Guy called to tell me that can do better than what Jake Delhomme is doing right now. Even if he's stoned out of his mind he's right on.

Biggest thing that the Falcons were hopeful about may be coming true: Tony Gonzalez catches first touch down pass to put them up by sixteen.

The Nationals have to be 14-6 or better in order to avoid losing triple digit numbers again. If that happens then they should go back to Montreal.

Its 2:37 pm and I have not once checked the status of any of the three fantasy football teams I am rolling with. And I'm still sober! Damn!

Can the Carolina Panthers fire their coach at the half of the first game? At home, down 24-7 to Philly in the 2nd. Delhomme: 2 interceptions

Second biggest fear for the Falcons looking like it may come true. Michael Turner has less than 30 yards on 12 carries late in the 1st half.

So which NFL team's season will go up in flames like pinata bathed in gasoline when their quarterback gets injured for the whole season?

Pot Guy just called me to ask me what I thought it might be like to smoke the ashes of Raiders owner Al Davis when he dies. I told him he was already dead.

Another thing about having Hard Knocks with the Raiders every year would be watching their owner the Crypt Keeper make crazy ass decisions.

I would love to watch season after season of HBO's Hard Knocks if it were in Oakland every year. It would be great to watch coaches beat on one another.

I have one question to ask to you all. Would you let me give a speech to all school children? Snuggies for everyone! Let E.T. come home.

Well I did not have to wait long! I'm watching the fashion Snuggie ad which only makes you look more fetching for the killer aliens that are coming.

Apparently, Billy Mays has risen from the dead because I just saw some ad for some sort of super glue thing that he was hocking. Where is the Snuggie spot?

Usually I tend to make outlandish or irreverent statements in my posts. However, today I will temper my comments as I reflect on this day.

I am back in car repair purgatory. I'm in the dealership waiting room straight from a ring of hell. With bad day time TV blaring away.

Its a sad that I am equally as concerned about my fantasy football team playing against my buddy's as my real favorite team playing another friend's favorite.

Because of the old school overtime rules the Steelers win the game despite the fact that they played miserably. The coin toss won the game.

I am thrilled at the start of the NFL season. I am annoyed at the overtime rule of sudden death. I am angry that I'm already in the hole with my bookie.

Did I see two women in the US Open crowd wearing matching dark blue Snuggies. I must be high. Wearing Snuggies screams "UFO Death Cult"

My command of proper grammar in my last few posts is on the same level as a South Carolina beauty pageant queen or a small garden snake.

Soderling is a broken man now. Once you break your racket on purpose on the court then you are 15 day old Oreo cookie left out in the sun.

Roger Federer's domination of tennis is in the same league with in Michael Jordan in basketball and Wayne Gretzky in hockey. It's incredible

This Soderling guy is being royally prison sexed by Federer. I haven't seen someone prison sexed this bad since the TV show "OZ". Painful.

In the better late than never category or why now category, the Braves somehow managed to win a virtually meaningless game, 2-1 in Houston

Oh great. Another creepy moment, yet another boner ad. This time one of the worst for ExtenZe. All of their commericials are creepy bad.

Two creepy moments within ten minutes of each other: Drunk NY guy trying to hug Nadal on the court and the shampoo TV ad with Troy Polamalu.

If Monfils loses this match he'll go totally bat shit and end up at Rikers in solitary confinement for smashing someone with a tennis ball.

7th round of fantasy hockey draft. Now I am drafting people I've never heard of nor say their name correctly. One pick away from the blade.

With my first two fantasy hockey draft I took Iginla and Kovalchuk. This shows that I have no idea what the hell I am doing. I can't say either name correctly

I am preparing for my first fantasy hockey draft. Dippy the Pirate Bear called to say that I should cut myself with the blade of a skate.

Pot Guy called to ask this question: "What if I played Tiger Woods in putt-putt? Since his putting is so bad now I think I can take him."

This Monfils guy keeps mumbling to himself and his hair is all wild. I am convinced that he is an escapee from a prison I worked in once.

Bobby Cox looks so drunk all the time. He can't remember what year it is or which pitcher is in the game. Or the score. He's toasterville.

Is there a web site calling for the firing of Bobby Cox? If not, I should start one. I really do not want a drunk guy managing the Braves.

Watching Nadal-Monfils match and noticed Michael Phelps. He must be a big pot head. Only a pot head would roll with that porn stache (sic).

Dear Miami, why when you are ahead by four with two minutes left hit a squib kick over hitting towards the end zone. This is why Miami is Miami.

No, I am definitely not bitter about the Braves blowing the season this weekend in the same way that Britney Spears blows her trainer(s).

No! I am not bitter that the Braves in the middle of the wild card race got swept by the Reds at home on the way to losing 5 in a row. Nope.

I am convinced that Atlanta sports teams replay their city's Civil War history over and over. When it counts the most they roll over and get burned.

While sober "Bobbie" Cox conceded the Atlanta Braves season. In October he will have more time to drink and dodge sobriety check points.

Dear San Francisco area: Since the Bay Bridge will not be open tomorrow please cancel work, stay home, smoke a lot of tree, and hug a cat.

WTF! Aren't both of these teams on double secret probation from the NCAA right now? I guess it is a secret, but all those rules violations!

Watching Florida State-Miami. Finally, a decent football game. At least I have recovered from my four day beer bender in time to enjoy it.

Getting Twitter updates from Oakland that have let me know that Richard Seymour has not shown up for the Raiders. Great job, Crypt Keeper!

Other side effects include: hip displacement, ebola virus, knee cancer, growth of a new head, stomach combustion, stigmata, and time travel.

I am waiting for the day that we hear about a new medication on tv and the side effects include: enlarged balls, throat swelling, and death.

The Raiders have won 24 games over the last six years, have the Crypt Keeper as their owner, have coaches beat on each other, and get prison sexed on trades.

Watching the first part of the Dent-Murray match. Something tells me that Murray will rip this guy and then he'll be eaten by a giant fish.

So Georgia plays South Carolina next Saturday. Both offenses played so bad yesterday that the over/under for the game should be 17 points.

Line from a commentator on Mississippi-Memphis game: "He's so fast that he can dodge rain drops." But can he dodge a NCAA rules violation?

I don't know what I have against the Williams sisters. One runs and looks like a gazelle and the other sister is LeBron James in a dress.

Part of me wants to pull for Nadal in the Open. He's coming back from injury, is injured again, does more HGH than me, and wears yellow.

In response to JG, thank you. Federer and Andy Murray are great choices. I would probably pull for Murray as he's never won a Major (?).

Rule #636 of dating: Do not date while in the middle of a steroid cycle. Why? Ask Shawne Merriman, arrested for choking girlfriend today.

With my favorite players Roddick and Sharapova both out I don't have anyone to root for at the US Open. Any ideas? I'm watching the CFL.

You know, I could be writing for ESPN if I simply knew how to spell. Awful spelling of word emotional. I was always the last picked in the team spelling bee.

If I were Richard Seymour I would ask for $50 million in bonus money for the all enotional damages that he will suffer through in Oakland.

Is the Crypt Keeper still in charge of the Raiders? Obviously he is as they have been hosed again on another deal for Seymour giving up a Top 5 pick in 2011.

I've been snorting red Tic Tacs, eating what passes for meat at Taco Bell, and changing my mind on who I want to win in the Tech-Bama game.

Mick the Cat called me upset that he had taken Florida and the 62 points against Charleston Southern. He is asking for a point shaving investigation.

Well, apparently no Georgia football player has gotten arrested for antelope killing or carnal knowledge of a tree, but one has been diagnosed with swine flu.

I am absolutely not surprised that Virginia lost to William and Mary as well as Duke losing to Richmond. ACC football....it's a burnt pie.

Its nice to know that nothing has changed. Another swoon by the Braves to play themselves right out of the wild card that was within reach.

I forgot that the results for the STD tests for all those Georgia and VA Tech players will have to wait a few days to come from the lab.

So far it appears that no Georgia player has gotten nabbed in Oklahoma and no Va Tech player cuffed in Atlanta..unless you want to count the VIP room.

So which team will have its first arrest? Georgia, Maryland, Miami (Fla), Va. Tech, Oklahoma, Florida, or Clemson? I'm putting my $$ on Ga.

The BC Lions have won the game and inexplicably all of the moose and a few of the giant giant killer gophers just ran onto the field.

Ladies and gentlemen, here is your 2009 British Columbia Lions!!!! Crowd of twelve people, 15,000 moose, and 2,000 elk stand and cheer!!!

Montreal scores a touchdown to tie the game with a minute left in the game. It gets called back because the clock wasn't set right. What???

As I am watching the CFL game (Montreal got a game tying TD called back because the clock wasn't set), I am wondering if we can give the CFL the Lions and Bills

My life is absolutely complete now. Its 1 am and I'm watching the Montreal-BC CFL game. I've got 500 Canada dollars (about $2 US) on BC. Eh!

OK. I have a deal. If the Nationals lose 100 or more games then they move back to Montreal. If they don't then Rob Dibble quits as commentator.

You can't be serious! Both John and Patrick McEnroe are commentating the Nadal match at the US Open. Ivan Lendl is turning in his grave.

In proof that people actually read my posts, I stand corrected. It was Boise State not Fresno State. These teams are so irrelevant that I mix them up constantly

I have to cheer for the Univ. of Oregon for suspending LeGarrette Blount for sucker punching a Fresno State player for the SEASON. Perfect!!

This is the life of an aging Gen X'er: Watching series marathons on cable, surfing the net, and trying to remember the last time you stayed up past 2 am.

So I'm sitting here watching a marathon of "Criminal Minds" and reading a Bill Simmons column. I'm hooked on both and it's been three hours.

I hate it when this happens: You are watching a TV show on Friday night on a cable channel and its a marathon and you get sucked in...bad.

Daytime TV is so horribly bad. If you are sick at home then you will get worse by watching this mess. You have be absolutely high to live.

This show is so absolutely awful. Who watches this? Pot guy? Dippy the Pirate Bear? You have to do lots of pot in order to watch this.

I'm having the misfortune of sitting in a Nissan service waiting room being forced to watch Regis and Kelly on a 32 inch flat screen. Hell!

Dave the Pot Guy left this message: "Dude..hehe..I wonder who would win a cage match between Tiger Woods and Roger Federer...uh..man..hehe"

Dippy the Pirate Bear called to say that he is in a strip club making it rain and that he was upset that Pac-Man Jones won't be doing the same in Winnipeg.

Pedro the Mexican Drug Cartel Killer called to say that he found my blast about Va. Tech players snorting coke off a stripper offensive.

So the SPCA's Most Wanted will get to play after Week 2 of the season. Let the countdown begin to the end of the Andy Reid era in Philly.

Isn't it about time for U. of Georgia football players to start getting arrested for shoplifting bling, crack dealing, and beating up the mailman?

Also definitely do not be surprised if a Virginia Tech player impregnates an underaged stripper whom he snorted coke off her ass in Atlanta.

I don't know what the lines are but do not be surprised if William & Mary beats Virginia or if Richmond beats Duke on Saturday. Bet smart.

I am so excited about being back on Twitter that I am going to bet all of my life savings on the Raiders and Lions going to the Super Bowl.

After listening to DC sports radio its clear that people hate Redskins owner Dan Snyder. C'mon now. My teams owner looks like a used car salesman/porn actor.

My first act as senator of Massachusetts is a bill that makes the birthdays of Bill Gates, Hugh Hefner, and Sam Walton national holidays.

I have decided that since my Twitter suspension has now ended that I will begin my campaign to be the next senator in Massachusetts. Eh!

Twitter suspension has ended after 22 exhausting days of internet imprisonment. I have been cleared of all charges and like OJ I'm going after the real killer.