After watching the Braves lose 5-0 I gathered a blender, an orange, some vodka, a hairless rat, some pickles, tic tacs and let it all rip.

Another embarrassing performance by the Braves bats against a guy who can't throw harder than 86 MPH and walked five. My dead cat could hit better than that!

I continue my yearly frustration in the last 24 hours before the trade deadline as the Braves do absolutely nothing to help themselves win.

Despite the fact that the bullpen has more miles than Michael Jackson had adult alarms in his house, the Braves won in extra innings.

The Braves need to go ahead and finish this game up. The game is holding off Bobby Cox's vodka and beer chaser bender on the plane back home

Why the hell do I torture myself by watching these Braves games. So they just blew a two run lead in the eighth. I need an eight ball.

Things I wonder: Will the Braves trade for a bat? Will the Nats have a fire sale? Whose casting couch is Lindsey Lohan blowing a dude on?

I feel sorry for Pirates fans. Their ownership promises every year to keep their best players and then at the end of July they have a fire sale. Nice!

Ok, so the Braves are up by one run in the seventh inning. So now it's time for them and their drunk manager to find a way to blow this one.

Another hot ball game in Florida and another Chipper Jones strike out on a pitch horribly out of the strike zone. Obviously he took lessons from Andruw.

To all you pot head Wal-Mart embezzlers: Remember what the great modern scribe Ice Cube said, "Dicks in your ass are bad for your health."

Day 4 without nicotine: Wondering if it would be a great idea to start smoking pot to cut the edge off. I want to let a giant gerbil loose.

Why do people think that embezzling thousands of dollars from Wal-Mart would be a great idea? Do these people think that no one would care?

In my dream world MLB would be like the EPL and the bottom teams would be relegated out. I'd pick 5 to go. Now it would be Wash., KC, SD, Clev., and Balt.

I would love to have heard that embezzlement from Wal-Mart planning meeting. "Dude, no one would notice if I, uh, dude took $20,000, dope"

Hour 74 without nicotine: still hanging on by a thread of sanity. Did I see the Nationals just won their fourth game in a row or am I dead?

Word has it that OJ is scared that his cell mate will shank him in the shower. Actually, if that happned it wouldn't be the worst thing that could happen.

In typical Braves fashion their best closer gives up a walk off home run to lose the game by, you guessed it, one whole run. I need crack!!

Garrett Anderson just jacked a horrible pitch into the right field seats to put the Braves ahead in the ninth. Bobby might get to celebrate!

No Bobby, you can't get all that drunk on Scope anymore between innings and BTW Moylan having 55 appearances so far this year means he is overused.

Hour 72 without nicotine: Watching the Braves game on-line, drinking butane, wondering where all my money went, and betting the #9 horse.

Nolasco of the Marlins just hung one up for Chipper and he hit it to Cuba. Looks like there are more fans at a Nationals game then this one in Miami.

Ah, its July and the Atlanta Braves are on their typical summer swoon road trip to Florida. It doesn't matter the record, the Braves will stink it up in Miami

Hour 63 without nicotine: Withdrawal symptoms in full effect. My head hurts. I'm cranky (nothing unusual there). Feel like I have the flu.

I am watching the Lendl-McEnroe 1985 US Open tennis final on the Tennis Channel. I am such a degenerate loser that I am going to bet on the match.

Here goes the infamous eight run Brewer rally with two outs in the ninth against the Nationals. It could happen! Only to the Nationals!

I must be hitting the ole spoon and spike pretty hard tonight because I just realized that Willingham has hit two grand slams in a row! Ugh!

News flash!! The Nationals are now only the second worst team in baseball now. They are on their way to the pennant in 2015, if we live that long.

Willingham hits a grand slam for the Nationals to put them up 13-5. I have to be hallucinating from the twelve day old country fried steak.

I must be doing a lot more performance enhancing drugs than I thought, but the Nationals seem to playing pretty good baseball right now.

I can't complain of taking two of three against the Brewers and winning 12 of the last 17. That and Bobby Cox not getting another DUI. Yay!

Right now in Milwuakee Bob Uecker and Bobby Cox are in a topless bar doing lines of coke off strippers asses and drinking rail vodka shots.

I just saw that the MLS has fined David Beckham the huge figure of $1000 for confronting a fan on Sunday. His last hair color job cost more

Sports South just showed us a shot of Bob Uecker, who I thought was dead. He is the only person in the stadium more drunk than Bobby Cox.

Who was bright enough to put Moylan in the game for the Braves with a four run lead? I know that Bobby Cox was not smart enough to do it.

I wonder with anxious breath which overused reliever is going to go in the game to blow this three run lead for the Braves. Go Bobby Go!!!

Vazquez just blew the ball by Fielder to get out of a jam in the 7th inning. A stumbling Cox is doing whiskey shots right on the bench!

Right now Bobby Cox is thinking: "I wonder which reliever is about to have his arm fall off due to over use. Whoever it is goes in the game"

I'm definitely certain that Bobby Cox got really drunk before the game tonight. He has let Vasquez to go past six innings despite himself

I am watching the Braves playing at the Brewers, the home of beer, brats, and cheese. Bobby Cox must be in absolute heaven right now.

Is it me or did Ben Roethlisberger look like he had gained 50 pounds, has been on a bender for three weeks, and is guilty of something. Joy!

Ever sat around after smoking a lot of meth and drinking a ton of Kool-Aid and Colt 45's thinking: I wonder who Lindsey Lohan is doing now

I heard that the Taco Bell chihuahua died of an overdose of pain killers. I did not know that she knew Michael Jackson and Robert Downey Jr!

Anyone have Manny Ramirez's number? I need some female fertility drugs in order to mask my steriod use. I'm taking the pee test tomorrow.

Reason #45 that the Braves should fire a drunk Bobby Cox: He used SIX relief pitchers after the starter had given up 1 run in 5 innings.

I figure that if you watch NBA Summer League basketball then you are a sports degenerate. If you bet on these games then you are beyond help

As the MLB trading deadline is a few days away, the Braves will not a make get better. The endless pointless march to mediocrity continues!

Does anyone think that the Atlanta Braves players are listening a drunk Bobby Cox anymore? He's the lush uncle you laugh at on Christmas.

Sure Jair Jurrjens pitched a good game for the Braves tonight. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. The Giants have less hits than Toto this year.

The death of the Taco Bell Chihuahua leaves me wondering how he or she died. Was it drugs? Booze? Loose women? Gun shot? Chocolate tacos?

I just found out that the Taco Bell Chihuahua died at the age of 15. Frankly, I am taking this harder than the death of Michael Jackson.

My fantasy football league on espn.com called "Our Wives Should Leave Us" only has my team in it. Maybe I don't have a life...or friends.

For those wondering if I have a life. I'm letting you know that I do and it is filled with empty pill bottles, tic tac containers, and vials

On MASN2, Johnny Holliday and Ray Knight are as giddy as twelve year old girls at a Jonas Brothers concert after the horrific 4-0 Nats win.

Someone really needs to stop Rob Dibble. He is sounding more and more like a cross between Ed McMahon on crack and a drunk Beavis. Help us!!

On www.whatifsports.com I matched the '62 Mets against the '08 Nationals. The '62 Mets won three out of four games. Happy Happy Joy Joy!

Things I'd rather do more than listening to Rob Dibble do a Nats game include sticking my hand into a blender and putting a tatto on my face

DC sports is a dumpster fire. The Caps blow play-off series. The Wiz were horrific last year. The Skins blew a chance at the play-offs. The Nats are the Nats.

So the Nationals are leading 4-0 in the 6th inning. They need to man up and try harder to lose this game. Don't blow your shot at history!

The Nationals are winless in the Riggleman era. I am wondering if there is any hope for Washington DC as a sports city. It's a dumpster fire

To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the moon landing I am starting a week long bender of Tang, meth, and laxatives. No sleep for me or you

I thought that the Nationals would lose their chance at history by firing Acta but they manned up and are winless in the Riggleman era.

I am watching the DC United soccer match being played in DC. I swear that there are four times as many fans at this game than the Nats game.

Like Larry Odom, I'm having a major sugar craving. I need sugar like Jeremy Mayfield needs meth and Jerry Springer's number. Big Red NOW!

Went to the doctor. With the meds I am on I have failed baseball's performance enhancing drug policy. Can I start my fifty game suspension?

For the first time ever I have seen the words "breast augmentation" used appropriately in a work e-mail. I am so 13 years old. Weeee!!!

Watched Manny Ramirez's dreadlocks first at-bat in fifty games. I couldn't help but wondering if he is baseball's version of Rick James.

Despite the fact that Bobby Cox is drunk all the time and sticks with inept players like Drew Barrymore sticks to the casting coach the Braves won tonight

The Atlanta Braves are up by a run in the 8th inning. They are at home. A drunk guy is managing them. Wondering how they are going blow it.

I'm watching the Nationals game and I notice that there is a good turn out for the game in DC. Then I realize: "Oh, they're all Cubs fans"

So the American League won the All-Star Game for the thirteenth straight time. All before midnight. I'm going through Tic Tac withdrawal.

Is it possible that this game will be over before 1:30 am this time? I hope so because I need to go to Wal-Mart to pick up my Vicodin Rx.

I stand corrected. MLB is praying that Pujols doesn't get shot to death by a twenty something year old nurse who diverts narcotics from work

So interviewing Obama right now is Max Headroom and Tim McCarver who is wearing the tackiest sport coat in the history of TV. I need beer.

I'm sure MLB is praying that Pujols doesn't end up in a female fertility drug scandal or shot to death by a twenty something year old hopped up on meth.

As I watched Jeter get hit by a pitch from one of the dudes from "Dazed and Confused" I started hoping for a bench clearing brawl. Yes!!

Believe me when I say this. I would rather have Ozzy Osbourne and LaToya Jackson's frozen head do color commentary for the All-Star Game.

Is it me or does it seem like using a nine year old to get his dad to quit drinking inherently and morally wrong? Just call out for pizza.

Watching the show "Intervention" actually makes me want to drink a fifth of vodka and smoking as much meth as I can get my hands on. Why?

Australia has launched a competition to build killer Terminator military robots. This makes me feel warm and fuzzy all over. Why not gerbils

Why couldn't the Braves fire their manager Bobby Cox who only knows how to drink, getting run from games, and chronically underachieve?

When your team fires their manager at the All-Star break and then sends an apology letter to their 5 fans, they're going back to Montreal.

This new fad of pro sports players tweeting during "work" is not new at all. I have been tweeting at "work" for months now. Like this moment

We all should remember the immortal words of our great modern poet Ice Cube: "Shot gun bullets are bad for your health." Powerful shit, man.

Can someone tell me please why I am seeing ads for getting a prescription for getting "fuller longer eyelashes"? I thought the boner pill ads were bad enough!

I have a great idea! Let's get Billy Mays to do a TV ad for the Snuggie this winter! What? He's dead? Who are we going to get now?

I'm so very upset that I'm not getting a ticket to the Jackie Onassis funeral...what? They had that already? Oh, I'm not going to the Michael Jackson funeral.

So what would happen if there all these people crowded on this bus and it was twenty degrees warmer? I say, the end of civilization as we know it.

So we won freedom from the British so that we can watch fireworks on a hot night and then wait like lemmings jumping off a cliff in order to get away from them.

In a throng of people trying to reach the tunnel after fireworks. Los Angeles rush hour traffic has nothing on this human tragedy. Help!!!