DIPPY IS FREE TO GO: A LETTER TO FOX

Dear Fox:

 I have decided to let Dippy go home, back to the warm waters and bear costume-scorching sun of Virginia Beach.  I have been contemplating giving Dippy back to you for a couple of reasons:

1)      The 47-3 drubbing the Washington Redskins suffered at the hands of the Panthers on Saturday has vastly dimmed the optimism I have recently had for their success this year.  Watching this “dress rehearsal for the regular season” was extremely disconcerting and tortuous, sort of like having an old fling...(CENSORED BY FOX)

2)      Ever since I accosted Dippy, your recent blogs have been rather pedantic, lacking their usual flair that comes from having Dippy by your side to give his commentary on a variety of subjects.  I am returning him to you in hopes that there will be future conversations between you two jaded lost souls for people in every continent to enjoy.

Additionally, I have read your latest blog, in which you seem to continue to desperately cling to your love for Atlanta sports.  I agree with you: the Falcons won’t be good for several years; the Braves’ 14-year run is a distant past; the Hawks will continue to lose their players to countries such as Greece, Angola, and Mauritius; and the Thrashers probably won’t be there in a few years.  But hey, at least the Georgia Bulldogs will be good this year, although their ranking keeps dropping with each arrest.  Hey, there’s always the Georgia Force!  But I am going to admit something to you.  You called my bluff!  I was trying to act like I was going to hurt someone you care about in an effort to convert you to Washington sports because I truly believed this might be the year the Skins actually make a good run in the playoffs.  I knew you were struggling with your loyalties, and I attempted to take advantage of that.  I was going to kidnap your daughter, but I was afraid she would run my cell phone bill way up.  So Dippy seemed to be the next logical choice.  In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Dippy, partly because, at heart, I am a lover, not a fighter, and partly because Dippy had access to all kinds of drugs, and I was afraid he could kick my butt with the help of a drug-induced psychosis.  To that end:

I have provided you with a transcript of my last conversation with Dippy.  I have to apologize, because Dippy seems quite disoriented.  He hardly ate anything the whole time he was under my supervision.  Instead, as the picture I sent you shows, he chose to consume only alcohol and pills, and occasionally snort cocaine if it was on a stripper’s breast. 

K47: Okay Dippy, you are free to go home now!

Dippy: Uuuuuggggggghhhhh. What? Who are you?

K47: I am the guy who kidnapped you.

Dippy: I was kidnapped? I thought I was at a rave, with all the drugs I was doing!

K47: Yeah, I gave those drugs to you because I thought they would make you happy!

Dippy: You were right man!  Uuuuugggggghhhhhhh! How long have I been gone?  Like three hours?

K47: Ummm.  Actually, it has been a month.

Dippy: Holy crap!  I wonder if my girlfriend is asking about me, or if she is banging some other guy now.  What month is it?  Did the Lakers win the NBA Championship?  When do the Olympics start?  Did I miss the AFI concert?  Uuuuuuggggghhhh!  Get me a towel!

K47: Woah, slow down Dippy.  I think you have lost all sense of time and reality.  Those drugs really messed you up, didn’t they!  Maybe Fox can answer all your questions.

Dippy: Oh God, not that guy! He can’t make up his mind about anything.  I remember he was questioning whether he should stay loyal to Atlanta sports.

K47: Actually, that is why I am letting you go.  He called my bluff, and is sticking with Atlanta.

Dippy: Did the Lakers win?

K47: Ummm, no.  As everyone had predicted two months before the season began, the Celtics beat the Lakers.  Dippy, you hadn’t been kidnapped yet when the Celtics won.

Dippy: Ugggghhhhhh. Sunstroke, Memory, Gone.

K47: Yeah, and apparently Kobe Bryant has to visit Shaq so he can tell him how his ass tastes.

Dippy: What?

K47: Nevermind, talk to Fox.  So what are you going to do now that you are free?

Dippy (blood dripping from his wrist): Uuuuuggggghhhh! I think I will just sit in my room taking these pretty blue pills and listen to Forever the Sickest Kids over and over.

K47: So basically the same thing you did while you were with me.  Dippy, you need help!  Talk to Fox!  I am sure he wants your perspective on the Democratic Convention, among other issues.

Dippy: Seriously, can you get me a towel, man?

K47: Good Bye Dippy. 

This Is Proof Of LIfe?

As you can see, we have now gotten more from the infamous KIdnapper #47. On the top photo, we have a proof of life photo of Dippy who apparently is getting most of his needs met with pills and a sword with what appears to be the head of Washington Redskins tight end Chris Cooley on the end of it. The ransom note on the bottom implies that Dippy is alive and well. It also indicates a demand that this blogger choose to root for Washington sports by September 11th.

The FBI profilers that are now consulting us on this case have stumbled on some key information. They indicated that the significance of the use of the number 47 is that it matches the uniform number of Redskins tight end Chris Cooley. This is key evidence!!!

The profilers from the FBI's Behavioral Science Unit have developed an overall profile of the kidnapper. They believe that the kidnapper is acting alone, is a white male, is slightly overweight, and is about 30-35 years of age. They also believes that he lives in the close proximity of my own town (if not in the town/city where I work). They also report that he does not live alone, is being suffocated by his family, and tries as much as possible to stay isolated. This is due to a grave thought content and process issue. The profilers believe that he is suffering from grandiose delusions and is becoming more disorganized as time goes on. It is also believed that he believes that he is significantly more important than he really is. It is thought that the kidnapper believes that he has special powers to control people's minds with his own ability of mind control. The thought disorganization may make this kidnapper more erratic in his behavior. The profilers also are concerned that if I meet the demands of the kidnapper that it may not result in the safe return of the pirate bear as this individual is seeking to make a huge demonstration of his powers and abilities. They are concerned also of the September 11th deadline and it's significance citing that this individual is looking for a grand stage and date to demonstrated his clearly advanced psychic powers and abilitites as well as showing how powerfully important that he is by doing something so over the top and dramatic related to kidnapping.

The FBI folks advise that I take care of this issue as quickly as possible. They are suggesting that I go ahead and meet the kidnappers demands. They indicated that this is the only chance that the pirate bear may have to survive the kidnapping. The profilers believe that as more time goes by without me meeting the kidnapper half way the more he will believe that we do not find him "powerful" or "important" enough and this will result in some vengeful act that can only end badly.

So I have some decisions to make. I believe that I have come very close to making a decision that may or may not end this crisis. So as I watch the opening ceremony of the Olympics in China (wouldn't it have been absolutely neat if the entire US team came out all wearing either duct tape over their mouths or gas masks in protest? I think it would have been absolutely great) I will be deciding on all the options. I will also be commuserating with former Senator John Edwards at some random North Carolina stripper bar while being served by a high school drop out with a meth habit named Becky or Star or Bar or Car or Candy. I don't know. All I do know is that this crisis must be resolved soon for the sake of Dippy. I don't want to cave to any kidnappers demands or even the demands of disgraced politicians and strippers. However, there is a pirate bear out there locked up in a storage facility or a cage or worse yet, a high school, that needs to be saved by clearly a kidnapper with some sort of sexual issue involving fruit and tight end Chris Cooley. I am worried of the possible consequences that Dippy may have to endure from this individual.

However, we do not really have a true proof of life photo of Dippy. There is nothing in the picture that suggests a date, a time, or anything that shows that he is still alive. That picture could have been taken in the bar at the Wyndam Hotel after he got paid off to be in a German snuff film three weeks ago. I need something that tells me that he is still alive...now not three weeks ago. Now that we know that Brett Favre is going to be playing this year after all so that leaves my demand for a proof of life for the bear. So Kidnapper #47 stop having bizarre fantasies involving Chris Cooley, leather, a small snake, a banana, and a small screwdriver and get me proof of life for Dippy.

Tomorrow I will be discussing Russia's latest war. Fun, Huh!!!