My Letter To Kidnapper 47

Dear Kidnapper 47,

I'll try to be brief.  I would like to thank you for showing some humanity and releasing Dippy pretty much in one piece.  Except for the blood soaked towel, but that is normal for him.  Dippy is likely in need of detox due to large amount of drugs he has been taking, but again that is normal for him.  Anyways he and I will need to debrief his whole experience of being held hostage.  It was your demand for me to switch my allegiance from Atlanta sports to Washington sports.  I refused to give in to such terrorist tactics.  I have refused to switch over and give in despite the threats of Dippy being sent back in 47 Zip-Loc baggies.  You respected my devotion.  It apparently appealed to your devotion to Washington sports.  The FBI did not believe that Dippy was still alive.  Does the FBI ever get anything right?  I thought that Dippy was doomed either way so it really did not matter what I did.  So I chose my heart.  I like Washington, DC as a city.  It's a pretty good place to live if you ignore the street violence, bad schools, horrible traffic, high priced call girls, and a penchant for mayors to be caught smoking crack in hotel rooms.  They have respectable sports teams (if you take out the Nationals who are sadly putrid and the baseball fans deserve better) that make the play-offs.  The Caps, Wizards, DC United, and Redskins all made the play-offs last year.  That is a lot to cheer for.  I like those teams.  However, I don't love them.  I hope they do well.  I'll pull for them. However, when the chips are down I love Atlanta and it's desperate and destitute sports franchises.  I believe that you like as many teams as you want, but I do believe that you have to have a favorite and you stick with them no matter what.  Despite the fact I could make the argument that the owners have screwed the fans in Atlanta so much that you are forced into a divorce I am sticking with Atlanta hoping that some day I will be rewarded for such twisted loyalty.

As I sit in a rat infested hotel in Richmond, Virginia blocks from skid row transvestite prostitutes selling pirated copies of Star Wars: The Clone Wars for cocaine, I am feeling bad for you.  Why you ask?  I finished watching your Redskins look absolutely awful playing on national TV in their first game against the Giants.  I suspected that Jason Campbell and the offense would take awhile to get into the rhythm of the West Coast offense, but I was hoping for better than what was on display in New Jersey.  Campbell looked like a rookie.  There was no run game even with two quality running backs.  Receivers dropped balls and couldn't keep from getting off-sides.  The defense got shell shocked early and then pulled it together enough to not get blown out of the building.  The Giants got sixteen.  I figured that if the Giants got more than 14 then the Redskins would lose by at least four.  I was left wondering:  Are the Redskins that bad or the Giants that good?  I think the Redskins offense was bad.  The Giants overall were very good.  I expected a little more than 7 points from the offense.  Don't they have training camp and four (oh, the Redskins had five) pre season games to work on this mess?  Oh well, the Redskins will likely get at least six more wins than the Falcons this year.  I am picking Atlanta to be 1-15, by the way.  At least, the Redskins don't have to sell off tickets at huge discounts for their home opener so that the game won't get blacked out on TV.  If your home opener gets blacked out on TV then your team should be relegated to the CFL.

I would like to offer you the chance to be a frequent contributor to this post.  I know I shouldn't give you anything because you committed a felony offense that carries more prison time than what Ron Mexico got, but I would like a new voice on this blog to choose mine.  So I invite you to post on this blog or at least to submit posts that I will publish for you.  Just let me know.  Thanks for taking care of Dippy for the last month even though he was against his will, but reading the transcript it does not look like that he knew what was going on anyways.

Fox        

DIPPY IS FREE TO GO: A LETTER TO FOX

Dear Fox:

 I have decided to let Dippy go home, back to the warm waters and bear costume-scorching sun of Virginia Beach.  I have been contemplating giving Dippy back to you for a couple of reasons:

1)      The 47-3 drubbing the Washington Redskins suffered at the hands of the Panthers on Saturday has vastly dimmed the optimism I have recently had for their success this year.  Watching this “dress rehearsal for the regular season” was extremely disconcerting and tortuous, sort of like having an old fling...(CENSORED BY FOX)

2)      Ever since I accosted Dippy, your recent blogs have been rather pedantic, lacking their usual flair that comes from having Dippy by your side to give his commentary on a variety of subjects.  I am returning him to you in hopes that there will be future conversations between you two jaded lost souls for people in every continent to enjoy.

Additionally, I have read your latest blog, in which you seem to continue to desperately cling to your love for Atlanta sports.  I agree with you: the Falcons won’t be good for several years; the Braves’ 14-year run is a distant past; the Hawks will continue to lose their players to countries such as Greece, Angola, and Mauritius; and the Thrashers probably won’t be there in a few years.  But hey, at least the Georgia Bulldogs will be good this year, although their ranking keeps dropping with each arrest.  Hey, there’s always the Georgia Force!  But I am going to admit something to you.  You called my bluff!  I was trying to act like I was going to hurt someone you care about in an effort to convert you to Washington sports because I truly believed this might be the year the Skins actually make a good run in the playoffs.  I knew you were struggling with your loyalties, and I attempted to take advantage of that.  I was going to kidnap your daughter, but I was afraid she would run my cell phone bill way up.  So Dippy seemed to be the next logical choice.  In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Dippy, partly because, at heart, I am a lover, not a fighter, and partly because Dippy had access to all kinds of drugs, and I was afraid he could kick my butt with the help of a drug-induced psychosis.  To that end:

I have provided you with a transcript of my last conversation with Dippy.  I have to apologize, because Dippy seems quite disoriented.  He hardly ate anything the whole time he was under my supervision.  Instead, as the picture I sent you shows, he chose to consume only alcohol and pills, and occasionally snort cocaine if it was on a stripper’s breast. 

K47: Okay Dippy, you are free to go home now!

Dippy: Uuuuuggggggghhhhh. What? Who are you?

K47: I am the guy who kidnapped you.

Dippy: I was kidnapped? I thought I was at a rave, with all the drugs I was doing!

K47: Yeah, I gave those drugs to you because I thought they would make you happy!

Dippy: You were right man!  Uuuuugggggghhhhhhh! How long have I been gone?  Like three hours?

K47: Ummm.  Actually, it has been a month.

Dippy: Holy crap!  I wonder if my girlfriend is asking about me, or if she is banging some other guy now.  What month is it?  Did the Lakers win the NBA Championship?  When do the Olympics start?  Did I miss the AFI concert?  Uuuuuuggggghhhh!  Get me a towel!

K47: Woah, slow down Dippy.  I think you have lost all sense of time and reality.  Those drugs really messed you up, didn’t they!  Maybe Fox can answer all your questions.

Dippy: Oh God, not that guy! He can’t make up his mind about anything.  I remember he was questioning whether he should stay loyal to Atlanta sports.

K47: Actually, that is why I am letting you go.  He called my bluff, and is sticking with Atlanta.

Dippy: Did the Lakers win?

K47: Ummm, no.  As everyone had predicted two months before the season began, the Celtics beat the Lakers.  Dippy, you hadn’t been kidnapped yet when the Celtics won.

Dippy: Ugggghhhhhh. Sunstroke, Memory, Gone.

K47: Yeah, and apparently Kobe Bryant has to visit Shaq so he can tell him how his ass tastes.

Dippy: What?

K47: Nevermind, talk to Fox.  So what are you going to do now that you are free?

Dippy (blood dripping from his wrist): Uuuuuggggghhhh! I think I will just sit in my room taking these pretty blue pills and listen to Forever the Sickest Kids over and over.

K47: So basically the same thing you did while you were with me.  Dippy, you need help!  Talk to Fox!  I am sure he wants your perspective on the Democratic Convention, among other issues.

Dippy: Seriously, can you get me a towel, man?

K47: Good Bye Dippy.